“It was an accident, Neil,” I reminded him quietly. Then, I decided to shut my mouth. He hadn’t been angry, yet, and that was supposed to be an important part of grieving, right?
“I knew he wouldn’t be good for her! I didn’t like him from the start. And I know you think I was overprotective, but fathers have intuition, too,” he ranted, pointing a finger at me as if to silence words I didn’t say. “I shouldn’t have let her—”
“You shouldn’t have let her do what?” I asked, because, grief or not, reality still existed. “She was an adult, Neil.”
“Well, there are things I could have done,” he snarled. “Do you think he wouldn’t have taken my money?”
“You aren’t the kind of person who would buy misery for his daughter,” I pointed out, taking a seat in the desk chair he’d vacated. “And you could have offered Michael a billion dollars. He wouldn’t have taken it. He would have known it wasn’t worth as much as Emma.”
“Then, I would have done something else!” He paced the length of the room. “Gotten him an internship somewhere in California, or hired someone to…”
He didn’t continue down that path, thank god.
“You wouldn’t have had him killed.” There was no way Neil would have been able to pull that off, money or no. He would have felt too guilty, and he would never have hurt Emma that way.
“Why not?” He stopped his pacing and leaned an arm on a bookshelf. “I’m not a good person, Sophie.”
“Yes, you are,” I stated emphatically.
“According to you, you only know five percent of me. So, how well do you really know me? How well do you think you can?”
The words cut me to my soul. He’d just spoken the fear that had lurked in the back of my mind for as long as I’d known him. Oh, I was good at telling myself that I knew him better than anyone else. I probably did. But nobody really knew Neil. They knew only what he let them see.
“If you really…” He shook his head, dismissing his own words.
“Then, let me know.” It wasn’t a plea. It was a solution. “Whoever you were before is gone, now, Neil. Not all of him, but a significant part. I don’t love parts of you. I love all of you. I’ll love the parts that are different as much as I love the parts that are the same.”
“You wouldn’t if…” He stopped and closed his eyes. “I thought about… I even looked into…” He took a shuddering breath. “I was so angry at the driver of that other car, Sophie. And, when we found out that he’d been discharged from the hospital… Why did he get to go home, but my daughter didn’t? It isn’t fair. And I thought…”
“You thought you’d do something about it.” I knew why he didn’t want to tell me. But the emotional reaction made so much sense. “You’re not a bad person for thinking about it. I don’t even think you’re a bad person for, what, trying to buy a gun and go shoot him?”
“No. I wasn’t even brave enough to do that. I thought I could hire someone.” He laughed bitterly.
“You wanted to end the life of the person who ended your daughter’s life.” I shrugged. “You wouldn’t be the first person to have those thoughts. But you didn’t do it. Why didn’t you?”
He didn’t answer.
So, I answered for him. “You didn’t, because you are a good person. Good people have can have incredibly shitty wants and impulses. Good people can think horrible things. And good people can be angry at innocent people for things they can’t control.”
“The way you were angry with me, for leaving?”
Having the question out there between us made it unavoidable. And, though I had vowed to myself that I would never tell him, I said, “Yes.”
He looked down with a sad smile. “Here I was, thinking that you didn’t really know me.”
“I don’t think either of us will ever really know each other as well as we know ourselves. Maybe nobody knows their partner on that level, and we’re expecting more from each other than we should. But I am a hundred percent sure that no one has ever understood me as much as you understand me. And I want you to feel the same way about me.” Now, I was pleading, a single tear coursing down my face. “You lost Emma. But I lost you. Maybe we can grieve those losses together.”
He looked up at me, and for the first time in longer than I could remember, it was Neil my husband looking at me, not Neil the grieving father. In his emerald green eyes, I saw the love he still had for me. That had never gone away. He just hadn’t thought he deserved it.
“Maybe we’re both wrong,” I said, hoarse from my held-back tears. “Maybe we know each other a lot better than we give ourselves credit for.”
“I want—” He sighed. “I want to be who we were before. I feel as though it’s impossible.”
“It is impossible,” I agreed. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be who we are now, together.”
“It seems every time I get weaker, you get stronger,” he said, with what I thought was admiration.
It was undeserved. “You think you’re weak, now?” I balked at the notion. “Neil, you almost died. And not because you were giving up, but because you were sick, and that sickness almost overwhelmed you. I don’t see that as a weakness, at all.
“You’re not getting weaker, and I’m not getting stronger. We’re just changing each other. Everything that happens in our lives, every minute we spend together, I become something more than I could have been without you. And you do, too. Neil five years ago was in pretty bad shape. And I’m not taking credit for that. Five years ago Sophie wasn’t doing so hot in the personal growth arena, either. But together, I think we’re becoming ourselves.”
“I want to say that you put too much faith in me,” he said with a grim chuckle.
“But you won’t say it because…” I let my voice rise in anticipation.
He pursed his lips in annoyance, then relented. “Because I think you’re right.”
“We’re going to go through a lot more changes. There’s nothing we can really do about that. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. You have to move forward from this massive identity reset… We’re never going to be the people we were when we first fell in love. And that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to be.
“You said in your wedding vows that our life would be an adventure, and that we would never reach a destination. Every adventure has an awful, low point. More than one, if you’re watching those Peter Jackson Hobbit movies.”
“It didn’t need three installments,” Neil interrupted.
“No, it did not,” I agreed. “The point is, for every unnecessary battle scene, the roots of the good story are still there. We still have our roots. We just had to get through some overblown CGI nonsense to get back to them.”
“Well, there was certainly an ‘uncanny valley’ feeling about that hospital. Everything was like real life but just slightly off.” He shook his head. Then, he clapped his hands together and said, “All right.”
He dropped to one knee in front of me and reached for my hand. “Sophie Scaife. Will you be my partner for the next part of this adventure?”
I couldn’t help myself. “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”
Neil grinned up at me. “You utter smart ass.”
“Always.” I leaned down and kissed him.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
We’d only been in Iceland for two weeks when Neil announced, “I think it’s time to go home.”
I had never wanted anything more in my life than to have a full hour of total darkness at night. I called Mom and started packing immediately.
Our flight to New York was uneventful. Neil read picture books to Olivia when she was awake and fed her a bottle at take-off and landing so that her ears would clear. Everything felt so normal that, at one point, I had to excuse myself to the lavatory to cry. It was relief, I realized; after months of upheaval and uncertainty, we were going home. We were going to be okay.
Mom had proposed a welcome back dinner for Neil, and while I’d been leery of h
is reaction, he’d been enthusiastic about seeing everyone. So, when the helicopter landed and security met us at the helipad with a little golf cart, he could hardly contain himself.
“And Rudy will be here?” he asked for the second time since we’d left Reykjavik.
“Yes. Rudy will be here. And Valerie, and probably the Tin Man and the Lion,” I said, leaning across the seat to give him a kiss on the cheek. He adjusted his hold on Olivia and took a long, deep breath, true calm washing over his features.
My heart squeezed, overwhelmed by happiness.
God, I was going to be a crying mess all night.
Cars choked the circular drive at the front of the house, but the security guy managed to pull us under the porte cochere so we could enter through the kitchen door. Inside, the first person we encountered was Mom, standing at the kitchen island, surrounded by overflowing pots and stacks of utensils. She dropped a jelly roll pan full of asparagus onto the counter and whipped the pot holders off her hands before charging toward us.
Neil only just barely managed to hand Olivia off to me before my mom threw her arms around him. He let out a loud oof as they collided.
She slapped his back hard enough that I thought she might break one of his ribs. “Thank God you’re back. Thank God.” She stepped back and patted his cheek the way she would have done if it had been me she hadn’t seen in months. Neil, to his credit, did not run back out the door screaming into the night.
“Thank you, Rebecca. And thank you, for this.” He gestured to the chaos around the stove, which was probably already driving him insane. Neil was a “clean as you cook” kind of guy, and he loved his kitchen. “It looks like you’ve done quite a lot of work.”
“Tony helped.” Mom’s eyes sparkled at the mention of his name. “That’s why we sent the cart down for you.”
“It’s a nice night for it.” I juggled Olivia to my hip. “Is Valerie here, yet?”
“Mhmm,” Mom said, her smile a little more forced than before. Though she got along with Valerie on the surface, she knew the history between us and was firmly on my side, despite the fact that the war was over. “And Rudy, and, oh, the other one. The Scottish one.”
“Ian is here?” Neil grinned at that. “I haven’t heard from him in ages.”
“Well, it will be nice to get caught up.” I gestured to the door that led out to the long, gallery-style hallway. “Go on. I’ll be along in a minute.”
He gave me an uncertain look, but his glee at the prospect of rejoining his social life overcame any reservations.
Mom waited a beat after he left to ask, “So? How is he really?”
“He’s got a way to go,” I said, shrugging the shoulder that wasn’t helping hold Olivia. I leaned my nose into her sweet blonde curls. “But we all do.”
“I’m so proud of you,” Mom said, smiling fondly at Olivia.
“Why? Because I didn’t fall apart or give up?” I’d meant for it to be a joke, but what I really wanted was confirmation.
“Yeah,” Mom answered, as though it were obvious. “You’ve taken on some pretty big responsibilities, and you’re handling them all better than I ever would.”
“I don’t know that I had a choice,” I admitted. “I love him, Mom. And I love Olivia. This is my family, and somewhere, from some crazy person, I got this idea that family is important.”
Mom hugged me and kissed my forehead. “I have to go stir things. If anything burns, I’ll have to endure a lot of under-his-breath comments from snooty Rudy.”
I laughed at her rhyme and shook my head then carried Olivia out of the kitchen. I nearly collided with Valerie, who snatched her granddaughter out of my arms.
“Oh, I’ve missed you,” she murmured against Olivia’s cheek as she kissed it, and I almost laughed at how deeply I sympathized with that feeling.
In the living room, everyone crowded around Neil. Nobody had a drink in their hand that wasn’t a can of pop or a bottled water. For a group that socialized with alcohol as much as they did, it wasn’t a coincidence. I was truly grateful.
Valerie stood in front of Laurence, not leaning on him, but definitely close, with Olivia snuggled in her arms. Maybe it said something bad about me that I liked Valerie so much better now that she had someone in her life and wasn’t competing with me for Neil, but I was glad she looked genuinely happy. Ian stood with them, Penny by his side; they both positively glowed in each other’s presence, but Ian’s broad smile fixed on Neil. Everyone was so happy to see him, even Tony, who lingered awkwardly a few steps away. It had to be weird, becoming a part of a family you worked for.
Rudy stood at Neil’s side, a hand affectionately placed on his shoulder, gripping it and gently shaking him. “If you ever do that again, I will kill myself, too, just to come kick your ass in hell.”
If anyone could joke about suicide and make Neil laugh, it was Rudy. Neil smiled and looked down bashfully. These moments of boyish charm were what I lived for lately. They reassured me that everything was going to be all right.
“I must admit, I’m a bit embarrassed.” Neil scratched the back of his neck. “I feel as though you should all be shouting at me.”
“Shouting for joy that you didn’t pull it off,” Ian said.
“Should we really be joking about this?” Laurence asked, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be the one to bring down the party, but this was serious. Are you all right, Neil?”
“Never better,” he answered. Then he paused, and he did get serious. “I shouldn’t say that. Of course there have been times that were better.”
My gaze cut to Valerie. She made herself very busy adjusting the straps of Olivia’s sundress.
“This is just how we are, Laurence,” Rudy said with an exasperated noise. “If something happens and you should cry about it, it’s better to laugh and get the fuck over it.”
Neil would never be able to laugh off Emma’s death, but I agreed with Rudy. In Neil’s case, tragedy had been averted. If we needed to laugh, it was safe, now.
“Hey, guys,” Mom called from the dining room door. “Dinner’s ready.”
As we moved from the living room, Rudy leaned down to tell me, “Your mother needs a nail intervention. She looks like the claw machine in an arcade.”
“If you don’t shut up, you’re not having any scalloped potatoes,” I hissed.
He crossed himself. “Forgive me my trespass. But I would have never let my momma walk around with two garden rakes on the ends of her arms.”
“Hey, Sophie, can I talk to you for a minute?” Penny asked, casting a glance at Ian. He wasn’t paying attention.
Something was up. “Yeah. Sure.”
We hung back until everyone was in the dining room except us. Penny took a deep breath and smiled her gleaming Barbie smile. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” I exclaimed way too loudly. “Since when?”
“Since the end of May.” She beamed. “We weren’t telling anyone until I was three months out. But I wanted to tell you, in person, and next week—”
“You’ll be in the Bahamas,” I finished for her. Even though we had the means to buy a whole tropical island if we wanted to, running away would never be practical. I envied Penny her chance to live in a sun-drenched paradise. “I’m so honored that you told me!”
“Well, you set us up, so…” She shrugged. Then, without warning, she launched herself at me for a big hug. “Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Okay. Thanked,” I gasped. She was stronger than I would have expected from someone so petite. “Can I breathe, now?”
“Right,” she said, her cheeks flushed red as she stepped back. “Anyway, please don’t tell anybody else. I’m going to send out announcements after we get settled in down there.”
“Yeah, I won’t.” I looked down at her still flat stomach. There was another person in there. Pregnancy was so odd.
Dinner was as Midwestern as you could get on the east coast, but everyone s
eemed to love it. Mom had baked a ham, and when she was out of the room, Rudy said in a hushed tone, “This is the traditional food of her people.”
“Hey,” Tony said in a warning tone. “That’s my girl you’re talking about.”
“Why, Tony.” Neil grinned. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“I’m off the clock, Mr. E,” he reminded Neil.
The laughter and conversation brought to mind that awful day back in April, when we’d gathered to celebrate Emma’s birthday and Neil had tried to end his life. But those thoughts were quickly banished when I realized that, this time, he wasn’t wearing a brave mask. He was relaxed, engaged, and truly happy.
After our guests left and I helped Mariposa put Olivia down for the night, I went to look for Neil. In the back of my mind, I feared I would find him taking pills or having a drink or doing something else horribly self-destructive. I would probably worry about that for a long time. Maybe the rest of our life together.
He stood on the patio, looking out at the ocean far in the distance. Even from this far away, I heard the waves crashing.
“They’re really giving the shore hell tonight,” I said, stepping closer to him to use him as a windbreak. Even on a warm night in late June, the Atlantic wind could chill you.
“Good,” Neil said cheerfully. “It’s like applause. ‘Welcome home, Neil! Don’t fuck it up this time!’”
I laughed and put my arm through his then leaned my head on his shoulder. “You’re not going to fuck it up. Look at how many people there are ready to support you and love you and be here for you.”
“And absolutely destroy my kitchen,” he said with a grimace. “Your mother may make a fine home-cooked Midwestern meal, but she also makes a truly gruesome mess.”
“Which I’m sure she’s in there cleaning up, right now,” I lightly scolded.
“Oh, I hope she stays late, negating any chance I might have had for a ‘welcome home’ fuck.” He slipped his arm around my waist.
“Wow.” I pretended to be teasing to cover up my shock. “Are we really doing that, now?”
The Baby (The Boss #5) Page 27
