Brayfuss said Mr. Purdue you must understand one thing.
He said in those days this town was failing.
He said no one knew we were here.
He said The Stranger changed all that.
He said my hotel began to thrive.
He said my newspaper tripled its subscriptions.
He said my bank increased its operating capital tenfold.
He said my book sold over a hundred thousand copies.
I said what was the name of your book sir?
Brayfuss said the name of my book was The Whole Stranger City Story.
I said what sort of book was it sir?
Brayfuss said it was a coloring book.
I said I see.
Brayfuss said why do you ask?
I shrugged.
I said I just wondered.
Brayfuss leaned back and looked around him.
He said yes Mr. Purdue The Stranger brought new life to a dying community.
He said look at us now.
He said a diligent hustling bustling beehive of activity.
I shrugged.
Brayfuss said Mr. Purdue there are times when one man can alter the flow of history.
He said remember that if you will.
I said I’ll do that sir.
Brayfuss winked at me.
He got up and hobbled southward.
His buckthorn cane struck little puffs of dust from the footpath.
25
…oncet there was a song what nobody never heard before…come to think of it nobody never heard it since…
Monroe D. Underwood
I caught up with Rube and Moose in the hotel lounge.
Rube was drinking a double bourbon and water and Moose was inhaling a few bottles of Old Washensachs.
Count Frazzlewitz was working on a table leg.
I sat next to Rube and ordered a hooker of Sunnybrook.
I said well Rube what do you think?
Rube said son if I was to tell you what I think your blood would run cold.
I said I’m talking about the baseball team.
Rube said so am I.
I said do you anticipate problems?
Rube said well I got to admit that the possibility has been stomping around in my mind.
Eddie Gee piled into the conversation.
He said I just can’t wait until tomorry night.
Rube said what happens tomorry night?
Eddie said why the Fifteenth Annual Stranger City Baseball Ball that’s what.
Rube said oh goody goody.
Eddie said it’s the foremost social event of the year.
He said sometimes it goes on till damn near ten-thirty.
Rube said you people better slow down.
He said look what happened to Pompeii.
Moose said yeah the Japs bombed hell out of it.
We heard the shurff’s car go by.
The barrel organ was pumping out its wistful melody.
Moose said what’s the name of that song?
Eddie said I don’t got the slightest idea.
Moose said I never heard of that one.
He said was it ever on the Hit Parade?
Eddie said was what ever on the Hit Parade?
Moose said “ I Don’t Got the Slightest Idea.”
Eddie said the title ain’t familiar.
He said whistle me a couple bars.
Moose whistled a bit of the barrel organ tune.
He said that’s it.
Eddie said that’s what?
Moose said “I Don’t Got the Slightest Idea.”
Eddie said me neither.
Rube nudged me.
He said the Bible says you gotta reap what you sow.
He said but my God this is ridiculous.
When we passed through the lobby the desk clerk waved us down.
He said have you gents heard the good news?
Rube said no but I will be delighted to hear some.
He said in fact I will be so delighted there is an excellent chance I will have to be clapped in irons.
The desk clerk said the Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ just hit Powersville and it will be in Stranger City Monday night.
Rube said well maybe that is good news.
He said but I’ll lay five two and even it ain’t.
26
…they ought to build a monument to Nixon…he was the only president what got caught doing what all the other presidents didn’t get caught doing…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy had left a note on the bed.
PURDUE XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO GONE TO POWERSVILLE XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO SEE YOU TONIGHT XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO RAISE MAIN MAST AND CLEAR DECKS FOR ACTION XXXXXXXXXOOOOOO XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO BRANDY.
PS XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXOOOOOO
I shrugged.
I sprawled on the bed with a busted Camel.
I thought of Horatio Brayfuss and his diligent hustling bustling beehive of activity.
Dogs slept undisturbed along the main thoroughfare.
Sparrows played leapfrog in the middle of the street.
I had seen three motor vehicles since my arrival.
Brandy’s Porsche and a fender-flapping pickup truck and the shurff’s Model A.
I thought of the gruesome monument on the hilltop.
According to its bronze plate Stranger City was a peaceful place to live.
Well I’d go with that in essence but it really wasn’t all that tranquil.
The village barkeep went waterskiing on dry land and the local law enforcement officer drove around with a barrel organ bleating in his wake.
I crushed my cigarette and fell asleep.
27
…oncet I knowed a man what went out to eat a grizzly bear and starved to death in a treetop…
Monroe D. Underwood
I slept like a drugged man.
I came out of it at sundown.
I was splashing cold water on my face when Rube knocked on the door.
He said I’m so hungry I could eat a grizzly bear.
I said me too.
Rube said I mean raw.
I said okay where can we get a couple raw grizzly bears?
Rube said I don’t know but Moose got a line on a Chinese joint over on a side street.
He said a place called Sun Mat Soo’s.
I said any old port in a storm.
During the walk to Sun Mat Soo’s Rube said Moose is nuts about Chinese restaurants.
He said he likes to agitate the waitresses.
He said he always orders sweet-sour dragon tonsils.
I shrugged.
I said they’re better deep-fried.
Rube said yeah more tender.
Sun Mat Soo’s was a small meticulously clean place.
When we entered there wasn’t a soul in sight.
We took a corner table.
Rube sat with his back to the kitchen commanding a full view of the front door.
He said I always like to watch the people come in.
Moose said nice thing about sitting that way is you also get to see ’em go out.
Moose looked at the bead curtains.
He said hey Rube looky all the bead curtains.
Rube said Confucius say hungry man always look at menu not bead curtains.
Moose said well screw Confucius.
He said Confucius probly gets to see bead curtains all the time.
A woman came out of the kitchen.
She was sixty or so.
She was about five feet tall and she couldn’t have weighed an ounce over ninety-five pounds.
She had crisp curly gray hair and violet eyes.
In her day she had been a real looker.
She still was.
Her violet eyes were bright with merriment.
She signaled for silence with a finger to her lips.
She tiptoed up behind Rube and clapped her hands over his eyes.
She said guess who Rube.
<
br /> Rube’s jaw went slack.
He said Frankenstein’s great-grandmother.
He said I hope.
The violet-eyed lady said guess again.
Rube slumped in his chair.
He said it just ain’t no use.
He said Tillie Zilch.
Tillie laughed happily.
She said I knew you’d be in sooner or later.
She said I got the last waitress job in town.
She said good thing I speak Chinese.
Rube said Tillie I bet you could get a whole lot of jobs in China.
Moose was grinning.
He said plittee lady you gottee sweetee-souree dlagon tonsils?
Rube said Moose this is Tillie Zilch.
He said you pulled that dragon tonsil routine on her before.
Moose said oh yeah Tillie Zilch.
He smiled forlornly.
He said I wonder is there any other Chinese restaurants in town.
Tillie threw a smooth lightly tanned arm around Rube’s neck.
It displayed a large tattoo that read Tillie Loves Rube.
Tillie said Rube I’ve been with you every year since you managed Beaver Dam and I worked the Jade Garden in North Livershank.
Rube nodded numbly.
He said thirty-goddam-nine seasons.
Tillie said you didn’t think I’d miss this one did you?
Rube said well a feller got a right to hope.
He said you could look it up in the Constitution.
He said I got a copy in my room.
He said I’ll go get it.
Tillie Zilch sat on Rube’s knee.
She looked for all the world like a perky violet-eyed doll.
She said Rube why didn’t you stay at Fletcher’s Crossing?
Rube said I got fired.
Tillie winked at me.
She said he didn’t get fired.
She said he quit to get away from me.
She kissed Rube on the ear.
She said it didn’t work.
She said he tries it every year and it never works.
She kissed Rube on the forehead.
She said isn’t that right Rube?
Rube groaned.
Tillie said you boys want chow mein as usual?
Rube said I seem to of lost my appetite.
Tillie flitted into the kitchen.
Rube nudged me.
He said honest to God I thought I had brung it off this time.
He said who the hell ever heard of Stranger City?
He said it ain’t on the map.
He said an Injun tracker would get lost trying to find it.
He said when God destroys the world He’s gonna miss it altogether.
I shrugged.
I said Tillie seems like a fine lady.
Rube said there just ain’t no finer lady than Tillie.
I said then what’s wrong with her?
Rube said there’s only two things wrong with Tillie.
He said the first thing is Tillie is bound and determined to get married.
He said the second thing is she’s bound and determined to get married to me.
I shrugged.
I said well is that the worst thing that could happen to you?
Rube said maybe not but it comes close enough to get in the finals.
Tillie returned with our chow mein.
We heard the shurff go by with his barrel organ.
Moose said Tillie what’s the name of that song?
Tillie said it beats me.
Moose said I never heard of no song by that name.
Rube dropped his fork and held up a warning hand.
He said let’s call the whole thing off.
Tillie said oh gracious Rube that’s not it.
She said Fred Astaire sang “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” in a 1937 movie.
She said we saw it at the Custard Corners Rialto and you had your cheek on my shoulder.
Rube said sure I had my cheek on your shoulder.
He said I had a toothache and we just got done blowing a double-header to Vinegar Valley.
He said you can’t expect a man to act rational under such circumstances.
Tillie rumpled Rube’s hair.
She said Rube you should surrender.
Rube said that’s what they kept telling Winston Churchill.
Tillie giggled.
She said Rube that’s a lousy parallel.
Rube said I know it.
He said all Churchill had to worry about was Hitler.
28
…I get the feeling I have lived this moment before every damn time the bartender says no credit…
Monroe D. Underwood
We left Sun Mat Soo’s after dark.
Clouds obscured the moon and trees rustled in a damp gentle wind.
There was muted thunder to the southwest.
When we reached the hotel Rube said I’ll buy a drink providing there ain’t no crazy talk.
Eddie Gee smiled hello from behind the bar.
Rube ordered a triple bourbon with water and Moose took a bottle of Old Washensachs.
I had a jolt of Sunnybrook.
Eddie said maybe you guys can help.
He said I just bought a second-hand Ford and on one of the hubcaps it says GM.
He said that don’t make no sense.
He said what does GM stand for?
Moose said which hubcap?
Eddie said why?
Moose said it might be real important.
Eddie said oh.
He said right rear.
Moose said it stands for general manager.
Eddie said I think you mean General MacArthur.
Moose said General MacArthur got fired.
Eddie said yes and this came as a severe shock to a great many people.
He said one of which was General MacArthur.
Moose said General MacArthur uttered the immortal words old soldiers never die they just fade away.
Eddie said he also uttered the immortal words I shall return.
Moose said who was it uttered the immortal words damn the torpedoes full speed ahead?
Eddie said well whoever he was he sure didn’t know much about torpedoes.
Rube nudged me.
He said did you ever get that funny feeling you have lived this moment afore?
I said why sure.
Rube said well I just got that funny feeling.
I said okay so tell me what happens next.
Rube said son I didn’t have the guts to stick around and find out what happened the first time.
I followed Rube up the stairs.
When he closed his door I could hear him jamming a chair under the knob.
29
…oncet I had a typewriter what made all kinds of mistakes…
Monroe D. Underwood
The cloudburst struck just after eleven o’clock.
It came with the savage suddenness of a Solomon Islands storm.
Thunder raved and chanted through the skies.
Wild jagged sheets of brilliant blue lightning ripped the cauliflower clouds to confetti.
Stranger City was buried under the onslaught.
Brandy came in at the peak of the thing.
She dripped like a busted spigot.
She cussed quietly but with maximum efficiency.
I said did you get your half-slip wet?
Brandy said Purdue I don’t mind a bit of water.
She said it’s all in the game.
She said what tees me off is I was closing in on something when this goddam rain interfered.
Brandy went into the bathroom and turned on the light.
She left the door open and she peeled and draped her soaked clothing over the shower curtain rod.
I sat in bed and watched.
It was one hell of a show.
Brandy said I was at a religious service this afternoon.
She said the preacher h
eld a faith-healing session for twenty-five middle-aged men who suffered from sexual impotency.
I said were they healed?
Brandy said I really don’t know but right after the session two dozen women and one man were raped.
She said it was the very first time the preacher had been raped.
She said he didn’t particularly care for it.
I shrugged.
I said well some like it and some don’t.
I said so what did you do tonight?
Brandy said I went to another religious service.
She said it grew increasingly interesting until the rain.
I said Brandy what’s with this sudden religious kick?
Brandy said only time will tell.
She said how did the baseball practice go?
I said possibly worse than the faith-healing session.
Brandy said no.
I said yes.
Brandy said have you worked on your report to Chericola?
I said I just remembered I don’t have a typewriter.
I said I also remembered I don’t know how to type.
Brandy said I have a portable in the car.
She said you dictate and I’ll type it for you.
She was standing naked in the bathroom doorway.
Her hands were on her hips.
Her chorus-girl legs were spread ever so slightly.
Sort of a seafaring pose.
I said I like that stance.
I said you could pass for a pirate.
Brandy said I’m a love pirate.
She turned out the bathroom light.
She said prepare to be boarded.
She wasn’t kidding.
30
…a gigolo is a man what gets paid for doing what any idiot would be perfeckly willing to do for nothing…
Monroe D. Underwood
On Sunday morning Stranger City was a sodden mess.
Broken tree limbs cluttered the area and the park across the street was partially underwater.
Stranger Avenue was choked with mist and the rain was still falling.
I took one look and went back to bed.
Brandy said will there be a baseball practice?
I said not unless they hold one in the lobby.
Brandy sat up and lit a pair of cigarettes.
She gave one to me.
She said Purdue I hate to see this come to an end.
I said I wasn’t aware that it was coming to an end.
Brandy said yes I suppose it will be all wrapped up by the middle of the week.
The Stranger City Caper Page 6
