The Stranger City baseball team stood clustered in front of them.
All but Gaylord Messerschmitt.
Rube said we got us a problem.
I lit a fractured Camel and sat next to him.
Rube looked up at Opus Ganderneck.
He said will you repeat your statement for the benefit of Mr. Purdue?
Opus Ganderneck rolled his eyes upward.
He placed his left hand over his heart.
He raised his right hand high above his head.
Rube said just the statement if you will please.
Opus Ganderneck said we are quitting baseball because it is a sinful game with personal gain at its root.
Dudley Shift said not to mention greed.
Isoroku Yabuki sang “Grory Grory Harrerujah.”
Attila Honeywell tapped Opus Ganderneck on the shoulder.
He said don’t forget the part about them big black ants.
Horsefish Hallahan said farewell oh dark and dismal past.
Barnaby Klutz said onward and upward.
Isoroku Yabuki sang “Ret the Rower Rights be Burning.”
Sorehead Hawkins said I feel the joy-bells deep in my gut.
Rube nudged me.
He said wait till he feels my shoe deep in his drawers.
Isoroku Yabuki sang “This Ritter Right of Mine.”
Timothy Glumphwick said yea though I walk through the valley I shall not commit adultery.
Horsefish Hallahan said you got that all wrong.
Unexpected Kittzenwolf said leave the kid alone.
He said if he don’t want to commit adultery in the valley that is his business.
Isoroku Yabuki sang “Reaning on the Everrasting Arms.”
We watched as the Stranger City Strangers turned to file out of the lobby.
Isoroku Yabuki led them in singing “Ruvv Rifted Me.”
When they were gone Moose said hey Rube that Barnaby Klutz sure sings a lousy tenor.
46
…bumper stickers is things what horses’ asses sticks on the asses of automobiles…
Monroe D. Underwood
We were in the lounge of the Stranger City Hotel at noon.
I was spending the final minutes with Rube and Moose.
The shurff was to drive them over to Raccoon Rapids for the two o’clock bus.
I said Rube I’m going to miss you guys.
I said I really mean that.
Rube said son I know you do.
I said I guess you’ll be changing buses in Chicago.
Rube said yeah we got a two-hour layover.
I handed Rube the envelope containing my report to Cool Lips Chericola.
I said would you deliver this for me?
I said this guy got offices on Randolph Street right next door to the bus terminal.
I said Shadyside Enterprises.
Rube nodded.
He said I’ll have Moose handle it.
He said I’ll be so glad to get out of this crazy town I won’t know Randolph Street from the Black Hole of Calcutta.
Moose said hey Rube this is a swell town.
He said I had me a real good time here.
Rube said Moose you would probly have a real good time at the Spanish Inquisition.
Moose said I missed that one but I seen “The French Erection” over in Richwood.
Eddie Gee slammed a farewell round of drinks onto the bar.
We downed them and walked to the park bench.
Gilda Fitzhugh was waiting.
She said oh Mr. Mountainstill would you do me a favor and give this to Editor Sam Cohen at the Chicago Globe?
She pushed an envelope at Rube.
She said tell him it’s from Gilda.
She said the Globe is just around the corner from the bus depot.
Rube said Moose will take care of it.
He said Moose used to be a mailman.
Gilda Fitzhugh went away.
Rube said I was afraid to say no.
He said she might have stepped on me.
He put one foot up on his mile-weary old suitcase.
He said well Moose and me got out of here undefeated and we never done that good afore.
There was a sadness in his voice.
I slapped Rube’s bony shoulder.
I said Rube nobody will ever beat you guys.
Rube said I’m going back to Greenbrier County.
He looked down at his scuffed brown shoes and white socks.
He said I’m gonna sit on my front porch and listen to them crickets say stay home you goddam fool stay home.
We heard the barrel organ approaching.
Moose said that’s sure a purty song.
Rube said please Moose not now.
The shurff pulled up and Rube began to look around.
He said I kind of figgered Tillie Zilch might drop by.
They stuffed Count Frazzlewitz and the suitcases into the rear with the barrel organ compressor.
Rube and Moose sat up front with the shurff.
I said Rube how are you ever going to get that dog on a bus?
Rube took out a pair of dark glasses and put them on.
He said I always tell the driver I’m blind.
He reached out and grabbed my hand with his clean hard grip.
He said that’s probly not so far from the truth anyway.
I said so long boys.
Rube said good-bye son and may God bless you.
The little blue car pulled away with its barrel organ hammering out its eternal melody.
The music dwindled and died.
I dried my eyes and started across the street to the hotel.
A rusted-out black Chrysler came fishtailing in my direction.
There was an enormous cloud of Stranger City dust in its wake.
The crazed vehicle skidded to a stop.
Tillie Zilch leaned out and yelled which way did he go?
I pointed toward Raccoon Rapids.
Tillie said how much start does he have?
I said maybe thirty seconds.
I said it’ll be easy.
I said it’s only six miles and his bus doesn’t leave until two.
Tillie’s violet eyes were shining.
She said come here for a second.
I walked to the side of the beat-up Chrysler.
The backseat was full of suitcases.
Tillie was holding a baseball.
She said look at this.
It was inscribed 5,232 To Tillie With Love From Rube.
Tillie pressed it to her breast.
Tears gushed down her cheeks.
Her voice was like a faint busted bagpipe.
She said I just noticed it fifteen minutes ago.
She threw a trembling headlock on me.
She kissed me ferociously.
She said I’m going to send you something.
She said I know you helped me.
The Chrysler departed amid flying pebbles and burning rubber smoke.
On its crumpled bumper was a sticker from the Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ.
Jesus Answers Prayer.
47
…youth ain’t nothing but a shortcut to old age…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy was packing my things.
Very slowly.
She said Purdue we’ve had four days of undiluted heaven.
She said haven’t we?
I shrugged.
I said oh sure.
I said a couple times I was only inches from the pearly gates.
Brandy kissed me.
She said Purdue you say such nice things.
I said I should have been a diplomat.
Brandy said I can’t find your report to Chericola.
I said Moose is going to deliver it.
I said Chericola’s offices are next door to the bus terminal.
Brandy said oh that’s right.
I said Gilda Fitzhugh gave him her baseball ar
ticle to take to the Chicago Globe.
Brandy said yes the Fitzhughs own stock in the Globe.
She said I’ve seen some of Gilda’s stuff.
She said it all comes out sounding like “Hiawatha.”
She said this is Chance and this is Brandy in the town of Stranger City where they make mad love at midnight in the town of Stranger City.
She said like that.
She said do you want more?
I said not really.
There was a knock on the door.
I opened it and the shurff walked in.
He said I reckoned I ought to come by and shake hands and say so long and things like that.
I said thanks shurff.
The shurff said when I leave here I got to go arrest ole Horatio Brayfuss.
Brandy’s head snapped up.
She said whatever on earth for?
The shurff said fer perferating a fraud.
Brandy said how do you mean?
The shurff said ole Brayfuss tole everybody he buried them bad guys under the baseball clubhouse.
He said that explosion blowed a hole more than eight foot deep.
He said I been all over that piece of ground with a fine-tooth comb and there wasn’t no bones nor no belt buckles nor no guns nor no bullets nor no nothing.
Brandy said shurff it goes a step beyond that.
She said there was no Stranger either.
The shurff said I think maybe I figgered that out already.
Brandy said you can’t arrest Brayfuss.
The shurff bristled.
He said I’m the shurff ain’t I?
He said hoaxes is illegal ain’t they?
Brandy said yes shurff but you’re up against the seven year statute.
The shurff said seven years my foot.
He said why that goofy statute been up on the hill fer going on fifty.
Brandy closed my suitcase and took the shurff’s hand.
She said shurff The Stranger wasn’t an evil bit of trickery.
She said he was a publicity stunt.
She said he drew attention to Stranger City and he gave its people something to be proud of.
She said he has become an inspirational legend.
She said don’t the children of Stranger City sing “Hooray for The Stranger” in music classes?
She said doesn’t the Stranger City High School football team take the field to “Hail to The Stranger”?
The shurff said don’t help ’em much.
He said last year we lost ten straight.
He said Powersville beat us a hunnert and twelve to nothing.
Brandy said that doesn’t really matter.
She said the people of this community have always looked up to The Stranger.
The shurff said well we had to.
He said that damn statute got to be nigh twenny foot high.
Brandy said shurff would you destroy all of that wonderful tradition?
The shurff kicked at my throw rug.
He said well I reckon not.
I shook the shurff’s hand and told him so long.
Brandy kissed his wrinkled cheek.
We heard him go down the stairs.
We heard his car go down the street with its barrel organ tinkling.
Brandy sat on the bed with tears on her face.
She said there’s something about elderly gentlemen.
She said they destroy me.
I thought of Tillie Zilch and found a lump in my throat.
I said those old ladies are no pushovers either.
48
…a balalaika is something what if you can’t play it don’t worry about it…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy looked up with misery in her liquid brown eyes.
She said Purdue I’ve failed my country.
She said this is the first case I’ve ever blown.
I said I don’t know what you’re talking about but welcome to the club.
Brandy said I had the bastards right in my clutches.
She said I had thirty special agents planted in the audience.
She said if the damned tent hadn’t caved in I’d have that pair of America-hating sonsofbitches behind bars right now.
I said who?
Brandy said Bobby Crackers and Leonid Groganovitch.
I said I don’t get it.
Brandy said didn’t you recognize Groganovitch?
She said you remember him don’t you?
I said sure but I didn’t see him.
Brandy said Groganovitch was the big man who played the balalaika.
She said he has a crew cut now and his beard is gone.
I shrugged.
I said what’s a balalaika?
Brandy tossed herself onto the bed.
She lit a pair of cigarettes and jammed one into my mouth.
She said let’s start from the top.
She said Purdue the organization known as DADA is no longer funded by the Kremlin.
She said Russia’s arms program has become so expensive that many of its pet subversive groups have been forced to find means of self-support.
She said it’s a simple matter of a ruble shortage.
She said DADA made the conversion with its customary efficiency.
She said every dime that this hellish gang spends on the eventual overthrow of our government is contributed by well-meaning God-fearing Americans at the Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ.
I said I don’t get it.
Brandy said Bobby Crackers is really Boboi Krakezoff.
She said he’s a top-echelon KGB agent assigned to DADA and he has spent years mastering the techniques of the hustlers in America’s rural evangelistic field.
She said in addition to supplying DADA with operating capital his Blitzkrieg for Christ has served as dispatching headquarters for all the Soviet spies in the country.
She said they just attended services and took their instructions from the stage.
She said simplicity is the essence of beauty and let me tell you this was an exquisite operation.
I said how did it work?
Brandy said it always happened during the tongues-speaking contests.
She said Groganovitch appeared in every contest.
She said I haven’t the foggiest notion what languages the other contestants employed but Groganovitch spoke in Russian.
She said he rolled his eyes and waved his arms and jumped around like the rest but when he opened his mouth it was to spout instructions to Russian operatives in the crowd.
I said how did you get onto it?
Brandy said Horatio Brayfuss is the CIA fieldman in this area.
She said he also owns the Stranger City Bank.
She said DADA has its account there.
I said my God don’t tell me that they just walked in and opened an account under the name of Destroy America Destroy America.
Brandy said no they switched to Dental Association of Dillingham Alaska but when Brayfuss saw that the checks were signed by Bobby Crackers and cashed by people with names like Katkov and Pobedonostsev and Vyshnegredski he whistled up the hounds.
She said of which I am the head bitch.
I said what was the real tip-off?
Brandy said that goddam balalaika.
She said a balalaika simply doesn’t belong in a gospel band.
I shrugged.
I said why not?
I said doesn’t God like balalaikas?
Brandy said well perhaps it wasn’t a total washout after all.
She said at least we’ve broken the back of the outfit.
She said they’ll need a new gimmick now.
I said I don’t see anything wrong with playing gospel music on a balalaika.
I said what the hell the notes are the same and everything.
Brandy said but I detest the thought of those two lizards running loose.
I said I doubt that the musical instrument is terribly importa
nt to God.
I said I think the thing that really counts is what’s in your heart.
Brandy said I called Chicago and there’s an all-points bulletin out but I’m afraid they’ve skipped the net.
I said you see if your heart is pure I don’t think God would mind if you played gospel music on a kazoo.
Brandy said oh dear God Purdue will you shut up?
She said I’m in no mood for theological profundities.
I shrugged.
I said watch your language.
Brandy stood and began to remove her clothing.
She said pull down the shades and let’s have one for the road.
49
…oncet I knowed a feller what busted a window and had seven seconds bad luck…his jugular vein got in the way…
Monroe D. Underwood
I dropped the rear shade and went to the front window.
In the bright Stranger City sunlight I saw the shurff walking down the middle of Stranger Avenue.
He carried a double-barreled shotgun the size of a small cannon.
Ahead of him were two men.
They walked a trifle unsteadily.
One had a huge hole in the seat of his pants and the other carried a stringed musical instrument that had a triangular body.
I said Brandy come here and tell me if this is a balalaika.
50
…indecent exposure is a three-hunnertpound woman in a three-ounce swimming suit…
Monroe D. Underwood
The shurff was saying well I got one of ’em on a indecent exposure rap.
He said I got both of ’em for climbing The Stranger’s monument.
He said we don’t allow nobody on The Stranger’s monument.
He said what the hell The Stranger is a inspirational legend.
Brandy said what were they doing on The Stranger’s monument?
The shurff said they was trying to excape from some kind of animal what was just a-snapping at their asses.
He said never seen nothing like it.
He said it had funny-looking legs.
He ran a quivering hand through his white hair.
He said you fokes is looking at a man what is done took his last drink.
He said when I marched them looneys away I swear to God I heard music floating down the hill.
I said what sort of music?
The shurff said it sounded like a horn.
I said was it a tune you recognized?
The Stranger City Caper Page 10
