He looked at Sarah as she lay on the bed, her eyes closed and cheeks dampened by tears. He put his fist to his mouth and bit hard, just as Sarah had a few hours before, as he was afraid that a waling, painful sound would be released from his own lips.
But he knew he had to tell her, there were things he needed to say and he needed to say them now. There might not be another chance and it might be too late.
“You will find another man one day. A man who is more worthy of you and who will give you all the children you want, as well as the love you deserve.” He spoke tenderly. Her eyes opened like two feathery arcs fluttering over the sea of deep blue that were her eyes.
“The love you couldn't give me?” she asked, broken.
His time with Sarah flashed before his eyes. He remembered the Christmas decoration she had made for his front door. How she always made him smile and how she had been an eager student in the art of love making. He recalled her own, never-ending generosity, not only to him but seemingly to everyone she met. Her unconditional generosity even extended to Gabriella, the daughter of the woman who had been so nasty with her. Sarah's fine qualities were always on display and he had squandered her and taken her for granted as if she wasn't important.
And he thought of all the expensive clothes she abandoned at his house and the coat she had refused through pride. There was no other woman he had ever known who would have done that. She turned down his offer of marriage and he had sneered at her for refusing him as if she was an imbecile rather than a proud, honourable, independent woman. And who was he fooling? He never offered marriage, he merely snarled out his demand that she was to be his wife.
Yet even after all his selfishness there had still been a chance for him to redeem himself for the sake of Sarah and their marriage. But he hadn't, instead he subjected her to a trip to Madrid where she had to defend herself from the attack of a hostile, jealous woman. Why had he behaved in this way? Was he trying to hurt her in the way he had been hurt himself? And yet the hurt he felt when he was betrayed as a young man was nothing to the pain he was suffering right now.
He looked at her beautiful face, so innocent and honest, and in the moment was engulfed by a powerful truth. “I do love you, Sarah. I couldn't admit it to you because I couldn't even acknowledge it to myself – at least I couldn't until that night in Madrid,” he said deliberately. “All my life I have convinced myself that I don't need love, not from you or from anyone else. Because the one experience of love I had brought me nothing but pain and bitterness.”
Sarah shook her head dismissively. She had enough pain and heartache to deal with and wasn't interested in him piling on an additional dose of regret. She had spent weeks ignoring the truth, now was the time she had to face up to it. She was losing her baby and she needed to keep her mind strong and not get bogged down in the same old fantasies. “It's pointless telling me you love me just to make me feel better. Sweet talking isn't doing me any good, I need the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth,” he croaked, placing his arm across his body so his hand rested on his heart. “When we were making love in Madrid, I was telling you that I loved you. I spoke in Spanish because I couldn't speak the words in English knowing you would understand them. I needed to get used to saying it before I could admit it.”
“But you love Rafaela.”
“I don't. I loved her once, but it was so long ago it seems like somebody else's life,” he said. “I only ever think of her as the person who hurt my pride, not my heart.” he laughed bitterly. “I know I've been a fool. A stupid, bitter, twisted, arrogant fool. And I know, despite your warmth and generous nature, not even you could possibly forgive me for the pain I have caused you.”
This was the first time Sarah had heard Carlos speak about his own feelings, his face was buckled and his eyes were dull with pain. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, give him comfort and erase the dark feelings away – in spite of everything. Maybe she was the fool, she thought.
“Carlos, when we get home –“
“Mrs Rodriguez?” A shrill, efficient voice interrupted Sarah's sentence as an energetic, middle-aged woman in hospital uniform entered the room. “Hi. I'm the radiographer – I'm just going to do a scan, let's see what's happening down there.”
Sarah's tears began to flow once more. They were silent tears,dripping down her cheeks as Carlos held her hand.
“Try not to cry,” he begged.
“But I'm losing our baby.”
Carlos felt powerless, and Carlos never felt powerless. The radiographer squirted blobs of jelly onto Sarah's stomach and picked up the paddles, all with a professional efficiency which contrasted sharply with the way the two of them were feeling.
As their world was about to be devastated Carlos felt determined to reveal his own truth. He had to tell her now. There was no time for ambiguity, nor for a faint heart. He had to tell her in English even if she did throw it back at him
“I love you, Sarah. You might not believe me and I know it's too little, too late. But the truth is, I love you.”
“Don't Carlos, you don't love me.”
“I need to keep saying it until I know you believe me. I've been a terrible husband. You lit up my world and I was stubborn, arrogant and proud. All I've done is close my heart to you and keep you at a distance. I'm sorry.”
Sarah shook her head and fluttered her eyes in disbelief. For the first time Carlos was speaking of his inner feelings and saying such loving things to her – and whilst there was hospital staff in the room. He didn't show his feelings in public. He didn't want her hands on him in front of Elaine, and he had chastised her in the shop in Venice for potentially damaging his reputation – but he wasn't bothered about his reputation right now.
Sarah winced as the cold steel of the scan paddles pressed on her stomach. She pulled her eyes away from the monitor behind him. “I am scared, Carlos. Hold my hand.”
“I know I've blown it and I don't deserve you but I want you to stay as my wife, so we can make more babies together. If you want to leave then you have every right. I will accept your decision, even though I will miss you and long for you. If I have to let you go, and you want your freedom, then I will let you go, because I love you.”
His selflessness resonated with her soul. He wanted what she wanted, not what he desired. He wanted the best for her. Another tear fell as she took a deep, broken breath. “It's not freedom I want.”
“You don't?”
“No, I don't. I want to be with the man I love.”
Their eyes met as they tried to make sense of their horrific grief, offering each other a shared comfort as they prepared for the pain they were facing.
“I could be a better husband, and I will be.”
“And I will be a better wife.”
“How about being better parents and taking a look at this heartbeat here,” said the radiographer, interrupting. “There's a time and a place for soul-searching.”
“Pardon?” said Carlos.
“What do you mean?” blurted Sarah, over Carlos's word.
The radiographer had a beaming smile on her face, having to give bad news to people made giving good news all the more worthwhile. “Look, see that flashing bit there? That's baby's heart.”
Sarah squeezed his hand. “Is he – or she –“
“Baby's fine, Mrs Rodriguez. Looks quite healthy and normal. Here are the arms, and these sturdy things are legs. And you can just see some tiny fingers, here.
“But I was bleeding,” says Sarah, unable to believe what she was hearing. She scoured the screen, absorbing every bit of information about the baby which was still growing inside her.
“It does happen, it's not that uncommon,” declared the radiographer. “It's usually a sign that you should take it easy, so my advice is to relax. Can you do that for me, Mrs Rodriguez?”
Sarah's world changed from a deep, dark, desolate, horror movie to a bright, gleaming, all-dancing musical in the space of a few seconds. Her eye
s lit up and her mouth widened as she looked into Carlos's face. “I think I can do that,” she said, laughing through the tears.
“I will make sure she rests,” he declared softly. “Whatever it takes, I will do for my wife.” he lifted Sarah's hand to his mouth.
“Well I have finished here. I'll leave you alone, just come out when you're ready,” said the radiographer as she opened the door.
But they were hardly aware of her leaving. Carlos and Sarah were overwhelmed with relief and the gratitude they felt for the gift they thought they had lost. The new life was still growing inside her and they had opened up the avenues to a flourishing love, if they could nurture it.
“We will now grow strong together,” vowed Carlos. “Let me know how I can make it up to you, my dear Sarah.”
She scanned his face and saw the watery tears resting on the lids of his deep black eyes – surprised to see emotion in his face yet deciding that such an open honesty with his feelings was very manly – it made him seem even more masculine, than before.
“There's no point dwelling on any of the negative things from the past,” she whispered. “We only have to cherish and learn from all the good things.”
“I can learn so much from you. We can learn so much from each other,”added Carlos. He took off his jacket and wrapped it gently around his partner's shoulders, looking deep into her eyes. “Let's go home.”
Sarah felt a big lump in her throat and she could feel the tears ready to flow down her cheeks once again, but for happier reasons. It would have been impossible for her to get any words out, but there was only one word she wanted to say.
“Let's,” she agreed.
Epilogue
“And we just tie-down this piece of ivy...like this. See? Wrap the ribbon and tie it, here. And one Christmas decoration to surprise daddy.”
“Surprise daddy,” squealed Emily as she clapped her hands together. “Daddy loves Christmas.”
“Yes he does,” said Sarah in a high voice, smiling at her daughter. She looked straight into her big ebony eyes and for the millionth time was reminded of Carlos. “He really loves Christmas.”
“I do now,” said Carlos as he appeared in the doorway, with wisps of snow scattered on his head and coat. Emily ran to her father. “Daddy,” leaping towards him so Carlos could catch her and swing her around before lifting her close to his chest.
“Daddy's cold,” she commented, as she snuggled into him anyway. “Did you not used to like Christmas, daddy?”
Carlos looked over the dark hair of his daughter's curls and his heart melted as quickly as the snow on his coat as he studied Sarah, across the room. Her hair was more styled these days, but she still tied it back when busy. Her figure was still a picture of slender perfection and she always looked good, whatever she wore, even those jeans and the baggy sweater she was wearing. “It was a long time ago, I like Christmas now.”
“Why didn't you like it?” questioned Emily, innocently amazed that anybody could not like Christmas.
“I hadn't met mummy then,” he said quietly. “I didn't know you could enjoy making decorations, baking mince pies and putting presents under the Christmas tree. Mummy taught me how great Christmas is.” And she has taught me so much more, he thought. A simple walk, building sandcastles at the beach and living in a warm, loving, family home – just some of the things Carlos would never have appreciated without Sarah.
“Had a good day, dear?” she said, pecking him on the cheek. “Remember it's Emily's Christmas play tonight.”
“I know, that's why I am back early – I wouldn't miss my little darling dressed as an angel.”
Sarah breathed in his warm, familiar scent and reflected on how impossibly wonderful her life was. She often thought about pinching herself to make sure it wasn't a dream only to discover that life just got better and better.
After the pregnancy scare Sarah had spent almost six months resting. She had discovered what a great help Elaine was, and had often spoken of how she kept her sane. Nevertheless, once Emily was born she had been determined to have a family home, with no live-in staff. So they found Elaine a flat of her own, nearby, and she continued to help out on a more casual basis. Elaine had got married to a widower in the village and was happy to have more time of her own, along with the security her job with less hours gave her.
Sarah's mother had taken over her daughter's job in the shop. She had gotten more involved in community activities and in the winter, when things got quiet, she loved visiting her daughter and granddaughter for extended weekends. Carlos would always spoil her and she teased him back saying his generosity wasn't necessary because she liked him anyway.
Raul and Rafaela did get divorced. Gabriella lived with her father, and her mother quickly remarried. Her new husband was someone in films so she lived in plenty of style, in Hollywood. Sarah was always concerned that Gabriella was missing her mother, so she insisted she come and stay with them as often as possible.
Carlos's friends, it turned out, really did like Sarah. Once she gave them the chance to get to know her, and she'd stopped judging them, they all became good friends. In fact, Sarah thought of Carolyn as her best-friend and had made her godmother to Emily, her husband being godfather.
Gareth still kept in touch and had accepted that Carlos was perfect for Sarah. He had started an adventure activity holiday centre in the Lake District and offered hang-gliding, windsurfing and rock climbing to visitors, along with anything else he could fit in. He had fallen madly in love with a French ski instructor, so they shared their time between the Lake District in summer and the French Alps in winter.
Sarah was always smiling. She thought life was as perfect as could be, well almost. Her relationship with Carlos was open and communicative, but she had a secret and she needed to tell him. But she would wait until after Emily's nativity play.
Later, they walked home through the snowy, quiet streets, singing a robust version of Ding Dong Merrily On High. Carlos put their daughter to bed and read her a story whilst Sarah produced a paella, which she had learnt to cook at a Spanish cookery class.
She was standing in the kitchen when she heard the sound of footsteps followed by his warm breath against the back of her neck. She spun round and wrapped her arms around her husband's waist. Carlos had allowed himself to fall in love and now there was no stopping him. They talked; they respected each other and the passion, which had always been there, was as strong as ever. All that was missing was another addition to their family. They had decided two years ago that it was time for another baby, but it hadn't happened. The doctor had told Sarah that everything seemed okay, they just had to keep trying. And they tried regularly. But as the new baby hadn't made an appearance they had become philosophical and were grateful for what they did have.
But Carlos could tell. He pulled his lips away from hers and studied her closely. ”Have you got some news for me, Sarah?”
“News? Whatever do you mean?” She tried to be serious but her mouth was smiling so broadly, it was impossible.
“Well. Your eyes are glowing and your skin is even more radiant than usual. You keep biting your lip, the way you do when you want to talk to me. And...” He glanced down her body and gave her a mischievous smile. “I can't help noticing your breasts have become curvier.”
“Carlos.”
“Am I right?” he asked. “Are you –?”
“Yes, I am.” She moved back slightly so she could see his face clearly. “I saw the doctor this morning and she has confirmed what I already knew. But there's more. You'd better sit down.”
“Sit down? Come on, tell me,” he demanded.
“It's twins.”
“Twins?” he was dazed and pulled out a chair from the table to sit down.
A few moments passed and Carlos sat there shaking his head. “Wow, wow,” he repeated. He stood up and took his wife in his arms. “Oh, Sarah,” he said, as he held her close. “Te Amo.”
Sarah now knew enough Spanish to be able to
recognise the very same words he had spoke to her that night in Madrid. The first time she heard them she was insecure and confused. Now, there were no negative emotions – she was able to love him as she'd always wanted to. “I love you too, Carlos.”
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