The Way Home (Chasing #3)

by Linda Oaks

When our eyes met, her lips curved into a half smile. “It’s okay,” she said, and I wanted to believe in those words; however, the doubt was always there, and it was stronger now than ever before.

  Would it ever be okay?

  Just when there was the remote possibility, a landslide of guilt always managed to bring reality crashing back down.

  “There’s no future in the past.”

  That faint whisper came to me as plain as day, floating on the gentle breeze, drifting along my skin. There was a moment of calmness deep inside me as I stared at Natalie’s name. The statue was fitting; an angel carrying a heart. It seemed significant since Natalie had taken so many hearts along with her the day she left. Here on earth, she’d been my angel, and now she was one in heaven.

  “Natalie.” I said her name out loud as I took a step closer.

  Etched into the marble heart were two small sheep. At seeing this, something inside of me unraveled. Even though the sun was shining, I suddenly felt cold. My teeth chattered, and I sank to my knees feeling weak. Miley’s hand slipped from mine. There were tears on my cheeks. I wasn’t even aware I was crying. There was this insane urge to hide my face from her, but it was too late; she’d already seen me.

  Her arms wrapped around my shoulders. Her body crowded close to mine. Her lips lightly brushed my ear. No one else may ever understand the significance of those sheep, but I did… one was for Natalie and the other for our child.

  “You need to let it out. You can’t hold everything in forever, Nate.”

  I gritted my teeth trying desperately to smoother the sounds threatening to escape. “I love you. I’m going to take a walk and give you a moment to yourself.”

  I couldn’t speak. Instead, I sat in my silence staring at the grave. From out of nowhere, a tingling began to build between my shoulder blades. The hair at the back of my neck prickled in awareness. It was almost as if someone were watching me. In my heart, I knew Natalie was there. The weight of her presence in everything around me; the air I breathed in, the breeze whispering through the tree’s leafy branches high above my head, and in the sun’s warm rays shining down. A red bird had lit upon the statue’s shoulder and sat staring back at me.

  “You have to move on.”

  That thought resonated deep in my mind, seeping into the essence of my soul. My hands clutched my knees. I needed something to hold onto. I was falling, falling apart. “I can’t,” I whispered out loud, and was thankful at the moment that Miley wasn’t around to hear me. My chest was tight. A tortured groan escaped my lips. I buried my face in my hands as my shoulders shook. Everyone I’d ever loved had been taken from me. My whole life was here, buried in the ground at Blossoming Hills. It hurt to love someone, but it was a bitch to be left behind and left all alone.

  Wiping my face, I drew in a deep breath and raised my head. The bird had now been joined by two more, and the three of them were peering back at me. It was crazy, but I knew it was my gran, Natalie, and our child. I half laughed, shaking my head. I wasn’t alone.

  There was also the very real possibility that I was finally losing my shit.

  “Nate,” Miley called, and I glanced over my shoulder to discover her standing just a few feet behind me. Damn it, had she been here all along? I tugged up my shirt, wiping the dampness from my cheeks. I needed to get myself in check.

  Hell, I was worse than a woman.

  Before I could stand, Miley sank to her knees beside me, but I didn’t look at her. Instead I drew in another deep breath silently wondering what she was thinking. “You don’t have to hide from me, Nate.” I heard her say.

  “The hell I don’t,” I growled. “What kind of man breaks down and bawls like a baby?”

  Miley reached, taking one of my hands. Her blue eyes shimmered with emotion. “The kind of man who has loved and has lost. The kind of man who has cared for someone other than himself. The kind of man who has a heart. You have a heart, Nate. You can’t keep it closed off for the rest of your life.”

  The hell I can’t.

  The depth of her words along with the wounded look in her eyes would have been enough to have brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already there to begin with. This woman had managed to burrow underneath my skin. She was like a drug I craved. I was worse than the junkies I tracked for a living. Worse than the scum I chased down for money, because I knew in the end, when everything was said and done, I’d probably end up breaking her heart. I wasn’t the guy she was looking for. I should have never touched her. Today more than proved that. I wasn’t the man she needed.

  I pulled away, stood, and then offered her my hand. “Are we leaving?” she asked, appearing confused.

  “Yeah, we are. There’s no need to stay.” I helped her to her feet. There wasn’t anyone here. I glanced at my watch. We needed to pick up Sierra soon.

  “They’re always with you, Nate.” I heard her say.

  “Yeah,” I agreed, and allowed her hand to slip from mine as I turned from her and walked away.

  She was right. They always were… and that was the problem.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THE RIDE WAS quiet… too damn quiet. It was during times like this that I wished Sierra was here. I could literally hear myself think, and I didn’t like it, not one damn bit. This whole mess was entirely my fault. I was acting like a certifiable dick. The idea of me ever being able to move on was downright ridiculous. There was no way I could ever replace Natalie or my child. There was no way I could ever forget. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel more, not even for Miley or Sierra.

  She’d attempted conversation, but I did little more than mumble a few one word replies, sometimes not even answering until she’d finally given up. There was nothing left for us to talk about anyway. My thoughts were entirely too focused on the past. Miley could do better than me, and the thought of her confession still had me reeling. She couldn’t love me. I wasn’t worthy of her trust or worthy of her heart.

  Women confused sex with love all of the time. This was just a big misunderstanding. It wouldn’t be long before Miley realized this too. I needed to find out what Ryder Blade was up to, hunt him down, and get this over with. I was getting too attached. Even though the thought of Miley and Sierra eventually moving back to their own place made me want to smash something with my fists, this needed to stop now before it was too late. They weren’t mine to keep.

  Sure, Myra and Calvin Hayes had finally cleared their consciences — and at the time, I’d felt relief — but it did damn little to rid me of the truth I’d grown to accept and had learned to live with over the years. The bottom line was I should have been with Natalie that day. If I had been man enough to put my foot down and had insisted on picking her up, she would still be alive and so would our child. It all came down to me. It was always me. Fuck having a heart if it meant living the life I’d lived since Natalie had passed away. I’d been deluding myself by getting caught up in playing house with Miley.

  This would end.

  It had to.

  In looks, Natalie and Miley were nothing alike, but Miley, she reminded me of her, that sweetness and headstrong attitude. I liked it when a woman wasn’t afraid to speak her mind or take what she wanted. It was a fucking turn on for me. It was obvious I had a thing for blondes, but I usually tried to steer clear of them if possible. All my fucks were brunettes, except for Natalie, and now Miley. They weren’t even in the same category as the women I casually screwed and there in lay the problem. I needed to return to what I knew, what I was comfortable with. I’d messed with my M.O.

  I wouldn’t allow the past a chance to repeat itself once again. I would never be responsible for anyone else or losing someone I loved — never again… no matter how much it may hurt me to let her go… I would let her go. It was only a matter of time.

  With that thought, my eyes drifted to Miley. We’d just turned down the long, winding driveway leading to Kara’s house. Miley was sitting quietly, passing the time by staring out the window. Her hands were in her lap.
Lost in thought, she appeared to be a million miles away. It would be so easy to reach out and touch her, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. My hands tightened around the steering wheel as I fought the urge to do just that. The truth of the matter was that Miley wasn’t competing with anyone but myself. At the end of the day, self- preservation always won out over matters of the heart. There was no other choice… not for me.

  I’d loved Natalie and still did, but she was gone. She wasn’t coming back. I knew this. I wasn’t completely bat shit crazy, but I wouldn’t allow myself to care like that for anyone else. It was too big of a risk. This was me choosing myself. This was me choosing my sanity… well, whatever was left of it, anyway.

  If I were being a selfish prick, then so be it. I refused to allow myself that kind of entanglement no matter how much I enjoyed Miley’s company. No matter how much I craved the woman sitting beside me. If there was ever a next time, I wouldn’t survive it. If not for my gran, I’d already be lying six feet under. There was nothing left inside of me to give. I was empty. I wouldn’t be selfish by holding onto Miley when she could have the opportunity to have a life of more with someone else. She deserved more. I wouldn’t do that to her or to Sierra.

  Ahead, on a hill, sat a two-story log house with a matching garage. The garage appeared to be the exact same size as the house. I was envious as hell. I wanted a garage. It may take time, but it would happen. I parked beside a dark slate gray mini-van with a huge pink bow strapped to hood. It was kind of impossible to miss.

  “It looks like someone has a present,” Miley said absently.

  “That’s one hell of a gift.” I climbed out of the truck.

  “Oh my God, Nate. You’re not going to believe this.” I heard Miley gasp, and walked around to where she currently stood peering into the driver’s side window. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at me. That fucking smile of hers was so damn beautiful. There wasn’t one thing I didn’t like about this woman — well, except for her shitty ass ex — but I’d take care of him eventually for her, and then she’d be free to move on.

  “The inside is leather, and it’s hot pink,” she practically squealed. I shook my head in disgust. I had to get a look at this shit.

  Hot pink. WTF? Someone was pussy whipped.

  “Mommy,” Sierra cried out. She must have heard us when we pulled in.

  Miley stepped around me as Sierra flew down the step and ran down the walkway, straight into her mother’s arms. A dark haired boy who appeared to be around the same age as Sierra was hot on her heels. On the front porch stood Kara and, with her, another woman who had long wavy blonde hair. She was packing a baby on her hip. Both were smiling as they watched us. My eyes were drawn to the woman and the child. Thick brownish-blonde curls adorned the baby’s round head.

  A tingling apprehension started at the base of my skull. The blonde seemed somewhat vaguely familiar. Those long curls and that heart shaped face, I’d seen her somewhere before. Then it hit me. She resembled like Natalie. This had to be Addie. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. It was her. I knew it. My hands started to sweat.

  Was I ready to face her?

  “Are you Sierra’s dad?” a small voice asked, momentarily distracting me from my thoughts.

  I glanced down to find a dark haired little boy with icy blue eyes staring back at me. He was dressed in denim shorts and a green t-shirt. His feet were bare and dirty. He had mean ass written all over him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to force a smile, but before I had the chance to reply, Sierra did.

  “Yes, silly,” she said. Miley’s expression was filled with apprehension; her eyes apologetic. “I told you, he’s my daddy,” she insisted, crossing her arms over her chest.

  The little boy held out his hand to me. My lips helplessly curved into a grin as I studied him. He didn’t cower beneath my stare. He didn’t seem the least bit intimidated, but instead, he puffed out his chest and tried to stand a little taller.

  “I’m Nate,” I said, and took his small hand in mine.

  “Jagger,” he replied, holding my gaze. “Someday, I’m going to marry Sierra, sir.”

  I burst out laughing and glanced over at Miley, whose laughter matched my own. There was a determined look in his eye. Who knew? Maybe someday, he would. Sierra frowned at him. She pulled away from her mother and glared at Jagger with her hands on her hips.

  “You won’t marry me, Jagger McGraw, unless I say so,” she snapped then proceeded to stick out her tongue at him.

  The little boy grinned, looked up at me, and then shrugged his shoulders as if silently saying it was no big deal. “Chicks,” he mumbled, and my chest began shaking once again.

  The kid was funny.

  “Sierra, that’s not nice,” Miley scolded, and it was all I could do not to snicker. Sierra was a miniature version of Miley, and together, those two were a handful.

  “I’m not marrying him, Mommy,” Sierra argued, stomping her foot as she stared back at Miley with her chin thrust out in pure defiance.

  Stubborn as can be.

  She then looked at Jagger and frantically shook her head no. She shoved her ponytail back over her shoulder eyeing him. “Besides, he can’t catch me!” she screamed, and instantly took off running with Jagger following right behind her.

  He’d fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

  “Come on up to the house,” Kara yelled. “They’ll be fine!”

  Miley smiled at me and we began walking toward the house. I really didn’t want to do this. These people were Miley’s friends. In the front yard, I watched as Jagger and Sierra ran circles around and around a flowerbed.

  A hand hesitantly touched mine and I glanced over at Miley. I tried to paste on a smile when I took her hand. It was comforting to touch her. My fingers slid in between hers, anchoring her to me despite my reservations to keep my distance. There was a tinge of guilt, but I shoved it aside. I glanced at the house. Addie was watching us. I had to fight against the urge to let go of Miley’s hand.

  There was no reason for me to feel guilty, but my heart refused to listen to reason. Regardless, I wouldn’t hurt Miley, not here in front of her friends and, especially, not in front of Addie. Miley squeezed my hand reassuringly as if somehow reading my thoughts.

  What kind of man was paralyzed by the fear of the past repeating itself? A fucking coward.

  When we reached the porch steps, I let go of Miley’s hand so she could walk up the steps ahead of me. My gaze drifted from Kara’s to lock on the woman holding the baby. Her smile was warm and friendly. “Hey, Miley,” Kara said, and briefly I caught parts of their conversation as my mind drifted. Absently, I heard Miley ask if Sierra had behaved herself.

  The baby seemed fascinated by me, and I her. The big man who was now in her space. Wide dark blue eyes were framed by long dark lashes. Curiously, she observed me. She was dressed in pink with a tiny fist dripping of slobber shoved halfway into her mouth. My chest grew tight.

  “She’s teething,” the woman explained. Suddenly, I realized I’d been staring. At the sound of her voice, my skin prickled with goosebumps. It was Addie, and she sounded just like Natalie had. My heart clenched with unwanted emotions. Before I embarrassed myself, I glanced away just in time only to feel arms wrap around me and a belly bump brush against my side.

  “Sorry about that,” Kara said, smiling up at me. “The belly gets in the way.”

  “It’s okay,” I replied. My smile slipping a notch at the mention of her pregnancy. The muscles in my face were stiff. I took a step back, putting some distance between us, and couldn’t help but notice the concerned expression on Kara’s face. It was just a hug, but it had made me feel as awkward as hell. It was too late to think up a reasonable lie to cover up my strange behavior when I was pretty sure she was already aware of the truth.

  “It’s good to see you again, Nate,” she said, not missing a beat. “The men are out in the garage tinkering with Devon’s latest toy.”

  A soft sigh escaped h
er lips. It wasn’t actually a toy, toy. It had to have an engine of some kind. I managed to genuinely smile back at her this time, but that awkward silence hung in the air between us. Shit. Miley and Addie were watching. They were waiting for me to say something, anything. At that moment I wished I were anywhere but here.

  “What kind of new toy?” I finally asked. After all, I was curious.

  “An old truck,” Kara answered, arching her slim dark blonde eyebrows at me. She peered past me to the driveway. “You like the classics, Nate?” she asked pointing at my truck.

  “Of course.” I almost snorted.

  Hell, it was pretty obvious since I drove a 1969 fully restored Ford F11.

  She giggled at hearing my answer. “You’ll fit right in here,” she said and winked at me.

  “We couldn’t help but notice the mini-van with the pink bow,” Miley said. Addie laughed, but Kara blushed.

  “Devon insisted. I now have my mini-van to go along with our fairytale. Typical cliché. Devon had it custom ordered, and included all the little details to make it mine — right down to the Goddess Pink leather seats,” Kara explained, wearing a huge grin. Cliché or not, it was obvious she was happy. She absently patted her round stomach. When she gazed at me and Miley, her expression appeared almost thoughtful.

  Whatever she was thinking, it needed to stop now.

  “Nate, you remember Addie?” Kara asked.

  There was no way I’d ever forget Addie.

  Unconsciously, my hands clenched at my sides. I bit the inside of my cheek as I studied the sister of the girl I’d loved and lost so many years ago. It was impossible not to notice the similarities. Addie was a softer version of Natalie, but she held her own and was just as pretty. Curious, dark brown eyes stared back at me instead of hazel eyes flecked with gold.

  “Hi, Nate. It’s good to see you again.”

  “Hello, Addie.” My heart thudded like crazy. She shifted the baby in her arms, took a step toward me, and held out her hand.

  Shit, I didn’t want to touch her.