by Linda Oaks
I stared down at her hand. She was waiting. A slight touch along my lower back had my eyes flickering from Addie’s. Miley wrapped her arm around my waist. She smiled reassuringly at me.
Fuck, I was acting like a moron.
I glanced back at Addie and, this time, took her hand. “I…Uh,” I stammered.
I was a bumbling idiot. I shouldn’t have come here. This had been a mistake.
“I’m glad you’re here, Nate,” Addie confessed, and I swallowed nervously, nodding in reply. I didn’t trust myself to speak. My tongue felt thick. My mouth incapable of forming words.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Do you mind if we take a walk?” Addie asked, and my heart pounded even faster thanks to her suggestion.
I wanted to say no, but instead I found myself nodding yes. She turned and handed the bundle in her arms to Kara. Soft lips brushed my chin; the smell of honeysuckle teased my nostrils as arms wrapped snugly around me. Without thinking, I automatically returned Miley’s hug. She edged even closer to me.
“You need this,” she whispered, and I lowered my head to brush my lips across her forehead.
I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent. My heart rate immediately slowed. There was something about the smell of her that calmed me. When she pulled away, I opened my eyes to find the three of them watching me. In that moment, I’d never felt more exposed or so unsure of myself in all of my life.
Hell, I’d faced down criminals, but put me in front of three women and a baby, and it was like facing off with a firing squad.
“Are you ready?” Addie asked, and I nodded in reply.
“When you two return, I’ll introduce you to the guys,” Kara said. Miley flashed me a grin as she skirted past me to pluck the baby from Kara’s arms.
Were they going to play hot potato with that kid?
What was it with women and babies anyway?
Following Addie down the steps, I could hear Miley behind me softly cooing to the baby. The gentleness of her tone tugged at something deep inside me. She was a good mother, but the possibility of even considering bringing another child into this world after losing one eluded me. Eventually… Miley would want more babies. Babies, I couldn’t give her. Someday, some lucky guy would call Miley and Sierra’s his, but that guy wouldn’t be me.
Jagger and Sierra ran up the walkway straight toward us. Sierra surprisingly launched herself at me. The impact of her small body crashing into mine was unexpected and caused me to stumble and take a step back. Arms were wrapped around my legs. I bent down and scooped her up, hearing her giggles as I wrapped her in my arms. Blue eyes the same shade as Miley’s stared back at me. She was out of breath and smiling.
“Love you, Nate,” she said, and my lips couldn’t help but curve upward. I was helpless against her. I squeezed her tight against my chest.
“Love you, too, princess,” I whispered softly near her ear before setting her down on her feet. She, too, was barefoot like Jagger. Her hand absently patted my cheek, and when I let her go, she took off running up the steps to join Jagger on the front porch.
“You’re good with her,” Addie said, and my eyes widened and flickered to hers. I’d completely forgotten all about her. She smiled at me and we continued to walk farther out into the yard heading for the flowerbed. “I’ve told Kara, numerous times, she actually has to weed her flowers for them to grow. Love her heart, but she doesn’t have a green thumb.”
Along the outside ring of the stone circle, the flowers were thick and full with pink, heady blooms, but the ones in the center, what few existed, were swallowed whole by weeds and stalky stems.
Hell, I wouldn’t even have noticed if she hadn’t pointed it out. I didn’t know a thing about flowers, but it seemed like this was nothing major. Nothing that a weed eater couldn’t take care of in less than five minutes flat. We continued walking, neither saying a word. I glanced over at her, and she smiled.
“I’m not sure where to start,” Addie hesitated, and we found ourselves standing in the driveway staring back at one another. I didn’t have a clue where to start either. There was so much I wanted to say, that needed to be said, but the words just wouldn’t come. This was awkward. Silence hung between us. Someone needed to say something.
“I loved your sister,” I blurted out, and immediately glanced away.
Way to go, Nate. Shit! I ran a hand through my hair, silently wishing I’d just kept my big mouth shut.
“Look at me, Nate,” Addie pleaded, and once again, I found myself meeting her curious stare.
I’d never been so damn uncomfortable in all of my life.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. What happened to Natalie wasn’t anyone’s fault. It took me a long time to come terms with that, and to finally accept what happened so I could move on and get to the point in my life where I am now. I will always miss her. God, I miss her so much, but it’s not selfish to have a life. You’re not to blame, Nate, regardless of what my mother or anyone else may have told you.”
Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I willed them away and ducked my head. My thoughts were spinning wildly out of control. I wanted to confess to Addie that I’d already spoken with her parents, to tell her what had happened, but my throat was too tight to speak.
“You’re a good man, Nathaniel Lee Lucas. My sister wouldn’t want you to close yourself off from everyone. She’d want you happy. She’d want you to love again. Believe you me, Nate, if you have a chance at happiness, you better grab ahold of it with both hands and hold on tight. If I learned anything from losing Natalie and from my past, it’s that life is way too short. It’s okay to want a little bit of that happiness for yourself. It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you a bad person to love someone else besides Natalie either.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I lifted my head staring back at her. “Natalie’s a hard person to let go of,” I finally managed to say. Addie nodded her head while wiping away the tears that fell from her eyes. She was crying.
“I agree,” she said, her voice slightly wobbly. “It’s okay to still love her, but it’s all right to love someone else, too. She’s gone, Nate. There’s nothing left for you to hold onto but memories. You’re still here. God, I wanted so badly to talk to you after the accident, but I was afraid. I wished now that I had. Maybe we could have helped each other.”
Maybe we could have. However, at that point in my life, there wasn’t a doubt in mind that I’d have turned her away. After the accident, I’d been too far gone for anyone to get close to me. I’d been trapped in my own private hell.
“I didn’t even know she was pregnant,” I explained, my voice low and hoarse. I hadn’t meant to say the words out loud.
“I didn’t either, Nate, and I’m so sorry for your loss. We all lost so much the day she left, but we can’t live in the past,” Addie stated with a soft sigh. “I can see what’s going on between you and Miley. I don’t know if you’re aware of it or not. You care about her, Nate. You may even love her.”
Her perception and the truth of her words had me reeling. Was I in love with her? Were my feelings that obvious? I glanced toward the house searching for Miley. The porch was empty. She must have already gone inside.
“She used to have the biggest crush on you in high school. I can tell those feelings haven’t changed. If you love her, Nate, don’t throw away a chance for happiness. Don’t let fear keep you from loving again. There’s no promise of anything in this life, only the here and now. Be here, Nate… in the moment. Live for the now.”
A tear streaked down my cheek, and I turned from her gritting my teeth. Fuck, I hated feeling this way. I hated being weak. I hated allowing my emotions to get the best of me.
“I need a moment to myself,” I said, and stiffened when I felt her lightly touch my arm. I refused to look at her.
“I love you, Nate. You were always like a big brother to me. I want you to be happy. Natalie would want that, too. When you’re read
y, I’ll see you back at the house.”
The thing was… I didn’t know if I would ever be ready.
I dragged my hands down my face and beard. Addie was already walking away. I took off down the driveway. I wasn’t ready to go back. Only when I had reached the highway did I realize how far I’d actually walked. From here, it was at least eight miles to Hawk Mountain. With a defeated sigh, I turned and headed down the road. Thank God I’d left the truck keys behind. They were still hanging in the ignition. Of course, Miley would be pissed at me for leaving, but I couldn’t fucking help it.
My phone began to buzz again in my back pocket, but I ignored it. For the past fifteen minutes, off and on, it had been ringing. I was a fucking coward and knew it, so I did what I did best… I ran.
“You’re not worthy of them,” I told myself and stuck out my thumb.
An older model pickup truck was heading my way. There was a man behind the wheel. He was alone, and as he slowly drove past, he eyeballed me. He was lucky he hadn’t run his truck into the ditch. It came as a surprise when he slowed down up ahead and pulled over onto the shoulder of the road. I couldn’t believe my luck. I jogged toward the truck.
Didn’t that old man know better? You’re not supposed to pick up hitchhikers.
For an instant, I experienced a moment of regret at the thought of leaving Miley and Sierra behind without even a word, but it only proved that I’d been right all along… I wasn’t the man that they needed.
The man they needed, he wouldn’t run.
The truck’s windows were rolled down. Icy blue eyes regarded me curiously. I walked closer noting the gray hair sticking out from underneath his blue baseball cap. I was a big man, but he didn’t seem the least bit unnerved by me or my size.
“You need a ride?” he asked, staring at me.
“You ain’t afraid of picking up a stranger?” Even though I desperately needed a lift, I was unable to stop myself from cautioning him. It was second nature to me.
His lips curved into a grin, deepening the lines of his wrinkled face. “I ain’t afraid of nothing, boy. Besides, I saw you coming from my son’s driveway. Hop on in,” he ordered, and I found myself walking around the front of the truck. I opened the door and climbed inside. Lying between us on the seat was a pistol. It was pointing straight toward me. His eyes held mine as he reached for the gun while wearing a shit-eating grin.
“Safety’s on,” he reassured me, and then he slid it up underneath the front seat. “Where you headed?”
“Can you give me a lift to Hawk Mountain?”
His gaze briefly flickered to me before he pulled out onto the road. “You any kin to Reva Lucas, boy?”
“Yes, sir. She was my granny.”
“She was a good woman.”
After that, I didn’t make any attempt at conversation. While I was staring out the window, I felt my phone buzz once again. I chose to ignore it and, instead, focused on the scenery as we crept slowly up the road at a snail’s pace.
It might actually be faster walking.
“You gonna answer that?” the old man asked, but I ignored him. I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me. This was just a ride. It wasn’t any of his business. Anyway, I didn’t feel much like talking, especially not after what I’d just done. “What were you doing coming out of my boy’s driveway?”
“I was visiting friends,” I said and gritted my teeth.
Couldn’t the old man take a hint? I didn’t want to talk.
“Did you drive there?” he asked.
Hell, he was too nosey for his own good. It was just my luck to bum a ride from Kara’s father-in-law of all people.
Images of Miley’s face flashed through my mind. Thoughts of her and Sierra had me questioning myself. It was a shitty thing I was doing, running away and leaving them behind. I’d done the exact same thing to my gran.
“Listen, do you care to turn around? I forgot something.”
The old man slowed down the truck and then pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, coming to a complete stop. He looked over at me, frowning. “I ain’t no damn taxi service,” he grumbled, his eyes narrowing. “What did you forget?” he asked, and my lips flattened into a thin line at yet another question.
Damn, he could try the frigging patience of a saint.
“Is that really any of your business?” I asked, eyeing him back.
“Well, the way I see it boy, if a man, who obviously had a ride to visit friends left out on foot, then he’s running from something or someone. What are you running from boy?” he asked, and the tone of his voice along with the way he called me boy had me clenching my teeth. I took a deep breath and prayed for patience.
“Myself,” I admitted, and his eyes slightly widened at hearing my confession, but the reply seemed to satisfy him. He nodded his head like it was an answer he could live with, and then he looked both ways and whipped around making a U turn.
Thank fuck, I’d finally managed to shut him up.
We headed back up the highway in blessed silence. I’d never been so anxious in all of my life, and Miley had to be worried. It wasn’t long before the driveway came into sight. “You want me to take you on up to the house?”
“No, here’s good,” I assured him, and he pulled to a stop at the bottom of the drive. When I climbed out of the truck, I reached into my back pocket taking out my wallet.
“Don’t need your money,” he stated, eyeing me hard. “Did you figure out what you left behind?”
Ignoring him, I tossed a twenty onto the seat and closed the door walking away. The sounds of his cursing followed after me as I started back up the road I’d just left behind. “I don’t want your damn money!” I heard him yell after me. “What did you forget?”
“My heart,” I mumbled beneath my breath and kept right on walking.
My thoughts drifted with each step I took as I considered what I’d almost done. The phone in my back pocket buzzed again and this time, I answered it. “Hello.”
“Where are you?” Miley asked. She sounded worried.
“I walked a little farther than I realized,” I lied, instead of telling her the truth. It would only hurt her. “I’m on my way back now.”
“I see you,” she said, and when I looked up, she was heading straight toward me. Our eyes met, and she started running. The sight of her alone stole my breath. My steps quickened. My heart was pounding. Then the next thing I knew, I was running, running straight to her. No matter what happened, I couldn’t abandon Miley. I couldn’t abandon Sierra. I would not desert them.
Her scent engulfed me when my arms wrapped around her. She felt so good. “I was worried,” she confessed, her face buried in my chest. Her words were muffled, but I heard her loud and clear. I pulled back and slid my hands into her hair. Bright blue eyes met mine.
Fuck me, I was so screwed.
This woman held my heart in her hands. That thought alone should have terrified me, but here, in this moment with her… there was a sense of freedom unlike any I’d ever known.
She felt like home to me.
“I’m right here.” And I lowered my lips to hers.
CHAPTER TWELVE
WE WERE SITTING on the back deck, laughing. Miley wasn’t shy, so we sat in one chair with her draped across my lap. We’d ended up spending the rest of the day at Kara and Devon’s. I had to admit, I was envious as hell of Devon’s new toy. Sure, she was a little rough around the edges, but Devon, the automotive visionary that he was, had explained his plans to transform the classic Chevy he’d christened as Bertha into one bad ass machine. Even though it was a Chevy, I’d cut him some slack.
The picture he’d painted with his words alone left me with no doubt that when he and Jake had finished with Bertha, she would be hardcore. Jake had started in monopolizing the conversation by detailing a new design he’d like to build for the custom bumpers and rims.
Between the two of them yakking, I’d barely managed to get a word in edgewise. We’d ended up walking ba
ck down the driveway, allowing me the chance to show off my baby. Hey, I needed bragging rights, too. I’d seen the look in their eyes when they’d gazed at my Ford. Jealous as hell they were, but she was mine and they weren’t getting their grubby little hands on her regardless of the suggestions for modifications. She was perfect just the way she was.
The deck where we sat overlooked rolling pastures that ended at a fence line butting up against the forest’s edge. It was peaceful and secluded. The front open and wide; the back, a hidden sanctuary surrounded by nature. Below us, Sierra and Jagger were playing on a swing set. I couldn’t see them, but every now and then, I could hear them arguing. It didn’t sound like anything serious, plus Miley was right here sitting on my lap. She didn’t seem worried. Anyway, Sierra could more than hold her own with Jagger.
The sound of Miley’s laughter shook me from my thoughts. Her face was lit up by whatever Devon had just said. It not only had her amused, but also everyone else. I’d only caught the tail end, but whatever he’d said had Kara blushing. She’d turned in his lap and swatted his arm. My lips twitched and curved upward. Just like a woman. Acting like they were all mad over a little bit of teasing when they actually ate that shit up. Devon brushed a quick kiss on her lips, and all seemed forgiven for the moment. His hand lay possessively across the gentle swell of her stomach. My own tightened at witnessing the protective gesture.
Baby Althea sat swaying gently back and forth in a portable swing beside Jake and Addie. There was no shortage of chairs even though we’d all ended up with our women on our laps. I wasn’t complaining, though. Miley’s curvy ass felt pretty good resting against me. I reached down, shifted her closer, and grabbed the beer sitting on the deck near the leg of my chair. Miley glanced over at me with those luscious lips of hers curving into a grin. I winked at her and she winked back.
“Nate, you need to stop by the shop, man,” Jake said, and I nodded at him in agreement while swallowing the swill of beer.
“I plan on it.”
In fact, I actually looked forward to it.
