by Kim Sagwa
“Okay, fine, so you’re mocking me again. You think you’re better than me, don’t you? Yeah, I know. You think I’m inferior to you. You don’t have to say it—I already know. And yet you always smile, always act nice to me. You make me want to puke.”
“Oh.”
“You’re scummier than chewing gum stuck to the sidewalk, cigarette butts, snotty Kleenex, shit flies on a watermelon rind, rotten fish guts, cockroaches, rusty nails, mercury, nuclear waste, Dioxin, MSG, PM10. You…you…you…are so fucking low class.”
“You’re the bad one.”
“Yeah, I’m bad all right—don’t I look like a scorpion with these things?”
“Will you stop talking shit and put those down! You’re scaring me!”
“Then just fucking die.”
“Is that what you want?”
Crystal nods.
“Why?”
“I won’t pull the kind of shit you pulled when you die.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Chiye died so you dropped out of school. You didn’t go to class and you turned in a blank answer sheet for the final exam. Why would you do that? I got to thinking. You know, Mina, I don’t like this either. It sounds like I’m obsessed with you, but that’s not true. I don’t like anyone. No one. And there’s nothing I need. The thing is that I’m disgusted by you. I hate everything you have. Everything. And that’s why I want to kill you. I can smell your rot and it scares me to even be near you. You’re dirty, I’m clean, and I hate dirty things. You’re dirty. You’re an embodiment of everything that’s dirty. I’m scared that all that scum will stick to me. I hate it. It makes me furious. And I think that with every year that’s gone by you’ve gotten more and more rotten.”
“Okay…I think I get it.”
“You get what I’m saying?”
“I think you’re mad because I didn’t keep in touch. I didn’t talk to you about it when I quit school. I left you out in the cold.”
“So it’s just that simple.”
“But you’re the one who started it, right? You rejected me first. Don’t you remember? Well, I do. You rejected me. It was you. You. We’re done; I already told you. What else do you want to know? We’re done. So don’t start now; it’s too late. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. We’re through. Once and for all.”
“No. It’s not too late. We can change things.” Crystal gets down on her knees and crawls toward Mina. She still has a knife in each hand. “No, Mina. It’s not too late. There’s still time. All you have to do is open your heart. Then we can go back to the way we were before.” Suddenly, she’s sobbing. “It’s up to you. Please. Help me.”
Mina is at a loss. Crystal looks to her with pitiful eyes full of tears. The knives horrify Mina.
“I told you,” says Mina in a trembling voice. “I told you we’re done.”
Crystal opens her mouth wide but no sound escapes.
“I’m sorry,” Mina says.
Crystal shakes her head, then suddenly she’s on her feet, stomping on the floor.
“We’re not done, you idiot! We’ve only just started!”
She paces quickly back and forth, mumbling: “I knew it I knew from the start I didn’t like anything about you the first time I saw you I knew you were garbage I hated you you were garbage dirty rotten you’re garbage garbage worse than garbage. Worse than garbage. Worse than garbage garbage and I’m going to kill you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s garbage too. A garbage apology is garbage. You’re garbage. You’re everything I hate. I get it now. I’ve thought things over since our last argument. I’ve really done a lot of thinking. Why? I have everything. Just like you said, I have everything. So it’s not about feeling inferior. It’s about…I don’t know, I feel sick. Like I might puke. One look at you and yuck! You should know one thing. I never felt inferior to you. Never. Never.” Crystal shakes her head over and over again. “Then why would I kill you? I just don’t know.”
“I do.”
“Tell me.”
“For real?”
“Sure.”
“Frankly, I never wanted to have to say this, but I need to be open—don’t get upset. Crystal—the reason you turned out like this…you’re self-centered. You think you can solve everything logically. But no. That’s not possible. You can’t. You just can’t. To fix things you need something else. Something you just don’t have. And trying to get it doesn’t help. That’s why things keep getting messed up for you. Why things don’t work out your way. So, you get angry. But it never crosses your mind that you might be the problem. So, your anger keeps building. More and more—how can you find a fucking solution when you’re just getting angrier? Crystal—there’s only one solution: be kind.
“Just try to be kind, Crystal. From now on. Otherwise nothing’s going to work out. See, you’re already having trouble with it. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to be kind. You don’t accept that you have a problem. But that doesn’t mean the problem is going away. The world is made by kind hearts. If you can’t accept that, there’s nothing we can do. That’s the way the world works. The world isn’t as fucked up as you think! It’s okay to be sad when your friend dies. Not all of us want to tear others apart like you do. You probably don’t believe it, but that’s only because you still act young. But you’ll learn. And you’ll look back at how you were and feel ashamed. I wonder when you’ll finally grow up. When? Will that day ever come? I don’t know. There’s no way you’ll believe me now. You just have to figure it out for yourself, it’s the only way. Unfortunately, there are more and more kids who are like you, and kids like you make the world a colder, harder place. And we forget what the world was like before. And it scares me. I’m so-so-so scared. I really am. I’m so scared, Crystal. You don’t even understand why, do you? You probably wouldn’t understand even if I laid it out for you. The world you see and the world I see are different. So kill me. Or don’t. But no matter what you’re making a big mistake.”
With her tender voice and a kind gleam that lingers in her eyes, Mina talks like a mother to her wayward daughter.
Appalled by Mina’s radiance, Crystal covers her mouth with one of the knives. “What the hell?!”
“That’s right, Crystal. Put the knives down.”
“Oh my god…all this time I’ve really, totally misunderstood.”
Gently nodding, Mina extends her hand.
“All right…I get it… You’re the devil. I was a bit confused till just now about whether you’re really evil or not. I thought you might just be a little lamb in a devil’s mask. It sure seemed possible. So I…I tricked you. I confused you with all that stuff about the bean patch and sashimi rice bowls. And you fell for it! And now I know for sure.” Face lit by a smile, she looks up to the chandelier and shouts, “Yes!… Now I see. I see it clearly. I see your devil gleam. I see it. Ahhh. I am awesome. How did I get to be so awesome? So beautiful, so amazingly beautiful! You almost had me there—what an idiot I was. But I see that devil in your face, I see that devil gleam. How have you been able to hide it? You must have had a devil of a time. The world is made up of kind hearts…to you maybe. To a devil, evil is good and good is evil, right? Yes. I can see you can’t be redeemed. You’re really evil, evil through and through. And so you must die. You must, and I’ll do it. I once thought you and I were the same. I must have been totally out of my mind. We’re opposites. You’re evil, I’m good. You’re a devil, I’m an angel.”
Crystal spreads her arms wide and flaps them like wings. Mina is speechless. Should she say something or not? All she can do is swallow.
“You’re a devil because I believe you’re a devil.”
“Don’t make me laugh—you’re being lame.”
“Is that why you’re trembling?”
“Think about it. What if I marched into your place with a pair of knives…”
“Why do you keep avoiding the issue! Why! Why!” Crystal stomps, the knives flail in the air.
>
Mina’s face betrays a mix of emotions, terror at the forefront.
“I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to…”
Mina’s expression softens.
“Not yet anyway.”
Mina’s face hardens again.
Crystal watches Mina calmly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt…. You were saying?”
Mina’s eyes pool with tears. “You know…” She blinks, and the tears spill down her cheeks. Shuddering, she puts a hand over her mouth. Her body reacts with shock and shame. Mentally she’s lost all control. She’s choking and words won’t come, the tears continuing to fill her eyes, and she can’t think straight. Crystal watches her tenaciously, waiting for her to speak. But Mina feels it not as waiting but as a threat. After all, Crystal has said she’ll kill her, and she has a pair of knives. Mina’s mind rejects it, but her trembling body reacts otherwise. She has to say something. Anything.
“You know…I know you and I are different in a lot of ways…but how could…” And then she breaks down, sobbing.
“Stop it, Mina. Or else I’ll start bawling myself.”
Mina shakes her head. Her tears fall on the floor. “Can I get a tissue?” she mumbles in a teary voice, pointing to the box of tissue beneath the TV. Crystal nods.
Mina staggers toward the tissue box. Then she suddenly races to the far wall and snatches the intercom’s receiver. Pushing the red button, she screams for help. Crystal watches, motionless, not comprehending at first. Mina blanches when she realizes the intercom’s not working. Crystal gets up and walks toward her. Mina runs to her parents’ room with Crystal close behind. Before Mina can shut the door, Crystal blocks it from closing with the blade of one of the knives. Mina screams and lets go of the doorknob. Crystal kicks the door open. Mina throws a chair at her. It hits Crystal in the left shoulder before thumping to the floor. With a bestial shriek Crystal stabs at the legs of the chair with the knife in her left hand. The blade snaps off. Crystal throws the broken knife to the floor and curses. Then she inches toward Mina, the other knife held high in her right hand. Wailing, Mina throws pillows at Crystal. She closes her eyes. Nothing happens. She keeps wailing, but nothing happens. Her wailing slowly dies down. She opens her eyes just enough to see Crystal, knife lowered, watching her, composed.
“Let’s go back to the living room and talk. Come on.”
Mina kneels on the bed, hands together in supplication. “Crystal, please.”
“We’re not done talking yet.”
“Please.”
Crystal scowls at her.
“Please.” Wiping her tears, Mina eases off the bed.
“No one can hear you scream. You ought to know that. Try to run off again and I’ll slice your arm open.”
Mina goes back to the far end of the living room sofa. Crystal returns to where she was before. They regard each other. Then Crystal stands and walks over to Mina, whose face is a mask of fear.
“Why? What are you doing? I’m not going to run away.”
“But you did.” Crystal positions her knife over Mina’s thigh.
“Look, Crystal, I screwed up. I won’t do it again.”
“What do you prefer, just a stab wound or do you want to die now?”
“Huh? What? Are you…?”
“Don’t stall; it won’t work.”
“I won’t run away again. I promise.”
Crystal nods. Mina forces a grin. They look at each other for a time. The silence ends when, without warning, Crystal plunges the knife into Mina’s thigh. Mina shrieks and clutches her leg. Wiping the glistening blade on her pants, Crystal is about to go back to her place on the sofa when Mina grabs her wrist and tries to snatch the knife. Crystal flails, swiping the knife back and forth and cutting them both, before kicking Mina in her bleeding thigh as hard as she can. Mina tumbles screaming to the floor.
Crystal sits down again. Mina stays splayed on the floor, not moving.
“Get up, you fucking bitch! I know you’re not dead!”
But Mina doesn’t move. Crystal has cuts on both of her arms. She examines them, scowling. Mina is still not moving. Crystal stands over her with the bamboo salt. Ripping the bag open, she dumps the salt on Mina’s thigh and rubs it in with the sole of her foot. Shrieking, Mina grabs Crystal by the ankle. When Crystal tries to jerk her foot free, Mina bites the ankle. With her other foot, Crystal kicks Mina in the stomach. She keeps kicking until Mina lets go. Then she returns swiftly to her place on the sofa.
“Sit.”
“Just kill me.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Okay, Crystal, then let’s stop. I’ll pretend that all of this never happened. It never happened.”
Crystal stares intently at Mina’s blood-soaked pant leg. Groaning, Mina tries to wipe the salt from the gash in her leg.
“Hey, don’t do that. Sodium is a disinfectant, you know.”
Mina glares at Crystal.
Crystal gives her a wide grin. “Where did we leave off?”
Mina shakes her head.
“Fine, I don’t remember either. So we’ll just start all over again.”
Mina gives her a pleading look.
“The bean patch, I remember that. You too, right?”
“What I want to know is why are you doing this?” Mina’s feeble voice trails off.
“We’ll get there. We’ve got lots of time. Minho’s not going to be here till late.”
“Minho?”
“Yeah, Minho. This is all because of him.” Crystal gives Mina a knowing smile.
“I don’t believe anything you say anymore.”
“Keep it up and your arm’s next.”
“Go ahead.”
“Why not?”
Crystal gets up and approaches Mina. Mina holds out her hands to fend her off.
“Crystal, stop it. Why would you want to cut my arm? Don’t do this. Don’t. I’m telling you, I don’t understand why you’re doing this. I thought we were friends?” Tears flow from Mina’s eyes again.
“Well, like I said, I don’t know either. So why don’t we put our heads together and see if we can figure it out?” Mina drops her head and sobs.
“But it all comes down to you in the end. It’s all because of you. You’ve done wrong so I’m going to kill you. Somewhere you screwed up your life. Because you’ve lived a screwed-up life. And that’s the reason. The only reason.”
“But you said before it was because I disgust you! You said I was garbage!”
“Whatever. Why’s it so important to have a reason, anyway? Are you alive because you have a reason to be? You don’t die because you have a reason. Everybody dies without a reason. You will. Me too. You might not like it, but there’s not much you can you do about it, right? That’s life.”
Holding the knife so she can see her reflection in the blade, Crystal smooths her hair back.
“Primp all you want, it won’t help your face, you low-life bitch.”
“Your dear brother gave me the okay. He gave me permission to kill you.”
“Crazy bitch.”
“He hates you. So he said to go ahead.”
“You think you can hurt me by talking like that?”
“Yeah.”
“Then bring it on, all the way. See if you can hurt me.”
“You’re being ridiculous, Mina. Look at your leg. It’s bleeding, see? Are you telling me it doesn’t hurt? What for? Anyway, I’m not here to injure you, I’m here to kill you.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“Hey, no swearing! No swearing! I told you!” Crystal gets up and looks toward the chandelier melodramatically. “Hey, Mina. You want to sing? I do.”
And the next moment Crystal is singing.
Minho’s little sister’s friend is Crystal!
Crystal’s friend’s brother is Minho!
Mina’s friend’s boyfriend is my boyfriend!
My boyfriend’s girlfriend’s friend’s mom is my mom!
My mom’s son’s
girlfriend’s boyfriend’s little sister is my daughter!
My daughter’s mom’s daughter’s big brother’s girlfriend’s friend is Crystal!
Crystal!
Yeah Crystal!
Yeah Mina!
Yeah Minho!
Yeahhhh!
Minho! Let’s hear it for Minho! And Mina!
Yeah, yeah, yeah Crystal!
“Eh? Not bad, right? I thought it up just now! Now it’s your turn. Get up! Sing! Be happy! Hey, why’s your face so purple?”
“I’m cold.”
“Of course. Maybe it’s too much for you to sing in your condition. But it’s okay. That’s how you become an adult. Way to go, Mina—congratulations on growing up, Mina. There’s only one problem: I hate grown-ups. I’m not going to be injured. I’m not going to be in pain. Oh, what a smart girl I am, what a fantastic student I am. If people only knew how smart, they’d be amazed. Oh, how sad. Oh, how happy. That asshole dean of students hates me because I’m smarter than him, that’s why. How I wish I was crazy, a total nutcase. Then no one would bother me anymore, they’d all leave me alone oh, I think I’ve maybe really gone mad.”
She shakes her head and shrugs emphatically.
“How come that asshole hates me? Mina, do you know? Mina? What’s up? Why won’t you look at me?” She shakes Mina. By reflex Mina shoots out an arm and pushes Crystal’s hand aside. She looks like a monster, her face contorted with hate, horror, and disgust.
“Mina, you ought to see yourself. Don’t make that face, it makes you look so ugly…I can’t believe it. You really disappoint me. Why can’t you try to look beautiful? You never looked like this before. Mina, don’t disappoint me. Because if you do, I might really kill you.”
“I’m…cold.”
“Ahh…you know, out of all the kids, it’s me that asshole hates—I don’t know why. One day he said to me, nice and quiet-like: ‘I’ve seen lots of kids like you before.’ Oh was I shocked!… Let’s try English: How can I say…what can I say…I was…to…tally…damaged….”
And then in Korean again, she says, “Why would he say that? What was he talking about? What was he trying to say? There are lots of kids like me? How could that be possible? It’s impossible. How am I supposed to believe that? But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How could I? I…everybody knows how smart I am—three years in a row I was voted most likely to succeed. I know it. I know I’m special. I know that better than anyone. How could he say that to a person like me? I’m going to get even with him.”
