Brooke Harris
Edited by Jenny Sims @editing4indies
Cover design by Arijana Karcic @coverit!design
Copyright © 2015 Brooke Harris
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or deceased is purely coincidental. The author recognises the trademarks and copyright of all registered products and works mentioned with this work.
For Sophie
…because one day you’ll be old enough to read this
Chapter 1
Eva looked up at an almost cloudless sky. Where was the snow even falling from? It was as if even the weather was trying to sympathise. It was so cold, a couple of degrees above freezing at most. A thick blanket of snow covered the ground, glistening under the winter sun. The usually busy road that looped around the cemetery was deserted of cars and people. Branches of the large, old oak trees that lined the sidewalk bowed under the weight of snow scattered all over them. They were nature’s guard of honour leading the way to the grave.
Eva stepped off the sidewalk. The slim, high heels of her black patent, knee-high boots were ridiculously impractical in this kind of weather. She stood in the middle of the road and looked back at her footprints; the only evidence that anyone had passed by that way in the last day or so. She closed her eyes, tilted her head toward the sky, and stuck out her tongue. The snowflakes melted as soon as they touched her tongue and she smiled. For the first time in eleven years, she smiled while thinking of her father.
‘Never eat yellow snow,’ he’d advised her one harsh Jersey winter. She couldn’t have been more than four or five years old, but she remembered it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Her whole family had been out playing in the backyard. Their hands were blue from the cold as they made a huge snowman and were distracted every so often by snowball fights. She could almost hear their laughter now. That was before her mother started spending half the day in bed with her head under the pillow. And before her father drank until he fell down in a pool of his own vomit. Before her sister cried herself to sleep every night. And before Eva knew what it was like to feel hollow inside.
Eva’s eyes jolted open feeling a hand on her shoulder and she spun around.
‘Hey. The driver said he’s going to try to come around from the other side. The snow is too deep at the foot of the hill and the hearse is slipping. He said he’ll be there in about fifteen minutes. We should get going,’ Shelly said.
‘Okay. Thanks, Shell.’
Shelly made her way back to the sidewalk, taking large steps and waddling like a little duckling learning how to walk. Eva followed, slipping equally as much. Catching up with Shelly, Eva linked her arm and gained some balance.
‘Thank you for coming,’ Eva said, staring at the ground as they walked. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Shelly. She’d already glimpsed the sympathy in Shelly’s eyes earlier. Sympathy she wasn’t sure she deserved or wanted. She couldn’t bear to see it again.
‘What are you like? You don’t have to thank me. This is what friends do. They stick by each other through the shitty times.’
‘And this is a shitty time.’ Eva nodded, still staring at the ground.
‘The shittiest.’
‘It’s getting colder,’ Eva said, shivering.
It wasn’t. If anything, it was thawing a little. But Eva was looking for an excuse to change the conversation.
‘I still wish you’d just come and stay with me. That hotel must be costing you a fortune,’ Shelly said, pulling a face at Eva’s lame-ass attempt to discuss the weather.
‘HTK is paying,’ Eva explained.
‘Oh, wow. Well, that’s nice of them.’
‘Pam called shortly after we landed last week. Apparently, news travels fast. Mr. Thompson heard about what happened to Julian and the company wanted to offer their sympathies. Throwing money at me is the best way they know how. They’re covering Melissa and my mom’s room, too. It’s good that we’re all staying in the same place. Or it would be if…’
‘Melissa still not talking to you, then?’ Shelly said as Eva trailed off midsentence.
‘Not really.’ Eva shrugged.
Melissa had made it very clear from the moment she and Eva were reunited that she wasn’t interested in rekindling their relationship. She was bitter and angry with Eva for abandoning her, and Eva understood; she had every right to be. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. Sometimes things are so badly broken they can never be repaired, Eva thought. Maybe Eva’s relationship with her sister was one of those things. Eva tried not to think about it. Especially not now.
‘Must be nice to work for a company like that,’ Shelly said interrupting Eva’s wallowing.
Eva looked at Shelly for the first time, her face pinching like she might laugh. ‘Erm, you work for Ignite Technologies. I don’t think any boss lavishes his staff in quite the same way as your boss does.’
‘Yeah, I know. But…’ Shelly sighed. ‘It’s all very different now since… Well, you know, since everything that has happened with Julian.’
This time Eva didn’t make an effort to change the subject. She just stopped talking. Her whole body was aching with sadness. It pulled her shoulders down and made her crouch like a little old woman; like if she stood up tall and straight, the weight of everything that had happened in the last few days might be too heavy and she would snap.
‘We’re here,’ Shelly said suddenly, as if the large, wrought-iron cemetery gates weren’t already confirmation. ‘You going to be okay?’
Eva shrugged her shoulders again. ‘I have to be.’
They had reached the open grave just moments before the hearse crept in through the opposite gate.
A thin, haggard lady stood too close to the edge of the freshly dug grave. A younger, slightly taller woman stood beside her, but far enough back that she didn’t look like she might topple into the hole in the ground at any second.
‘Your mum and sister,’ Shelly said.
Eva nodded, and still linking Shelly’s arm, she walked towards them.
‘Mom, step back, please. You’re too close to the edge there,’ Eva said.
The lady turned around. Her pretty face appeared weather-beaten and her once warm blue eyes that Eva remembered so well were an icy grey and watering. ‘Life with your father meant I was always too close to the edge, Evangeline. I don’t want to change the habit of a lifetime now.’
Eva looked at her sister. But Melissa shook her head. ‘Just leave her. I have her. I always have.’
Eva swallowed hard. Now was not the appropriate time for Melissa to take a dig, but she had done it nonetheless. Eva felt Shelly’s grip tighten on her arm. Melissa’s bitchy comment hadn’t gone unnoticed by Shelly, either.
‘This won’t take more than half an hour. And then I’m taking you back with me. No arguments this time,’ Shelly whispered.
The little old priest shuffled out from his little old car and took his place at the head of the grave as the pallbearers lowered a generic, pine coffin into the ground.
‘Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to say goodbye to our friend and loved one, Cameron Andrews.’
There were only four people at the graveside, but the priest spoke loudly and clearly as if addressing a whole congregation of mourners.
‘I met Cameron just once, many years ago
. He’d stumbled into my church here in Dun Laoghaire late one Saturday afternoon. He didn’t waste any time in telling me that he’d mistaken the house of God for a pub and he even asked if Jesus served Guinness. But I saw past the jokes. And Cameron knew it. He swapped his Guinness for a cup of tea that afternoon and we talked for hours. He was a broken man in need of guidance. He told me how he had lost his way in life, made mistakes, and hurt the people he loved the most in this world. I told him that saying sorry wasn’t enough; he would have to show it. I didn’t see Cameron after that day and I always hoped he found his way home and back into the loving arms of his family.’
The priest paused and coughed hard and Eva thought he might cry. Her chest hurt. A priest, thousands of miles away from Cameron’s home, had managed to get to know her father better in an afternoon than Eva had her whole life.
‘I look at you all now, Samantha, Melissa, and Evangeline, dressed in black and standing here in the freezing cold saying good-bye. And I know, what I hope Cameron realised before his passing, is that although you’re not saying it with words, your presence here today is showing that the love in your family was only ever scratched and never truly broken.’
Samantha bent forward and an animal-like wail burst out of her. Eva stood alert as her mother verged closer still to the edge of the grave. Melissa’s arms crept around Samantha’s waist and eased her gently back from the edge. Samantha shook herself free and dropped to her knees. She used the tips of her fingers to brush away the snow to reveal a small patch of green. She clasped her fist around the frosty grass and pulled up a clump as she stood up.
‘You always loved Ireland, Cam. Even more than you loved me, I think. Rest in peace.’
Samantha opened her hand and blades of grass rained from her palm. They landed scattered across the top of the coffin. The bright green was a stark contrast to the dreary pine box cradled in the black-brown muck of the earth. Eva couldn’t look away; her eyes were drawn to the chrome plaque now framed with grass.
RIP
Cameron Andrews
Beloved Husband and Father.
Gone but not forgotten.
‘Remembered for all the wrong reasons,’ Eva mumbled under her breath as she turned away.
‘I heard that,’ Melissa said, finally speaking.
Eva turned back around.
‘If you can’t say anything nice, then maybe you shouldn’t be here,’ Melissa added.
Dark black crescent -moons rested under Melissa’s eyes, and she was far too thin. But her words carried the weight of a heavyweight boxer hitting Eva straight in the chest.
‘Mel, that’s not fair. I’ve as much right to say good-bye as you do,’ Eva protested.
‘You gave up the right to say anything when you ran away, Eva. Jesus Christ, do you know that at one point Mom thought you might have been dead? Dead, Eva. Can you imagine how hard that was?’
‘I…I…I’m sorry,’ Eva said.
‘I know you are. But that doesn’t change the past.’
‘What do you want me to say?’
‘Nothing,’ Melissa snapped dryly. ‘There’s nothing you can say. But don’t think that you can send your boyfriend to come be a knight in shining armour and suddenly we’ll all be a happy family again. Life isn’t that simple.’
‘I didn’t send Julian. I didn’t even know he was coming,’ Eva said, the weight of the day taking its toll on her voice as much as her body. She ached for the comfort of Julian’s arms around her.
Melissa pulled a face and shrugged, but she wasn’t convincing Eva of her indifference. The pain in her eyes couldn’t be hidden with a shake of the shoulders. Melissa had already made it clear that her relationship with Eva was over. They were sisters in blood but nothing else. Melissa had promised to never forgive Eva for running out on her family. And the venom in Melissa’s eyes every time she looked at her told Eva she wasn’t bluffing.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. Would you get over yourself? Both of you,’ Shelly said stepping forward. ‘Julian risked his life to save yours. The least you could do is be grateful.’
‘Okay, that’s enough,’ Samantha said loudly, her eyes barely open.
The three girls stood silently, like scolded schoolchildren.
‘Thank you, Father O’Malley. We’re very grateful for your time.’ Samantha shook the priest’s hand and slowly walked away, never looking back at the three girls or her husband’s open grave.
Melissa followed immediately. Eva acknowledged and thanked the priest with little more than a head nod, and she and Shelly reluctantly walked after Melissa and Samantha.
‘She has every right to be angry, Shell,’ Eva whispered, out of Melissa and Samantha’s earshot, as she and Shelly walked side-by-side with their heads bowed.
‘And she has every right to get a grip, Eva. She’d still be stuck in that hellhole if it wasn’t for you and Julian.’
Eva smiled. Shelly’s loyalty always warmed her heart. ‘You’re sweet, Shell. But I think it’ll take more than a fancy hotel room in a country Melissa doesn’t know to fix things for us. She’s pretty much homeless and unemployed now. And she sees that as Julian’s and my fault.’
‘And what about your mother? How are things with you two?’
‘She’s talking to me. That’s a start. But I don’t think I’m her favourite person right now, either. I know it’s understandable. I expected it, to be honest. I just wasn’t expecting it to feel quite this crappy.’
Shelly’s expression wore a seriousness that Eva wasn’t used to seeing. ‘You know you’re not the wicked witch in all of this, Eva. Your mother thinks she needs to forgive you, yeah? Well, she needs to earn your forgiveness, too. It’s got to be a give and take thing on both your sides.’
‘I left, Shell. I abandoned them.’
‘Bollocks. You were a kid. Your mom should have protected you.’
Eva shook her head, sadly. ‘She couldn’t even protect herself.’
‘Yeah, I get that,’ Shelly replied, softly, ‘but you can’t beat yourself up because your parents sucked at being parents.’
‘They…they didn’t always.’
‘Yeah. And you didn’t always suck at being their kid. Just please don’t blame yourself, Eva. I hate seeing you like this.’ Shelly sighed. ‘God, Eva. I wish there was something I could do.’
‘You’re here. That’s something.’ Eva smiled.
Shelly clasped Eva’s hands in hers and gave a little squeeze. ‘I’ll always be here.’
‘Thanks, Shell.’
‘Well, except for now,’ Shelly’s said, her lips twisting to one side.
‘What?’
‘I’m going to leave you to it.’ Shelly tilted her head towards a wonky wooden bench near the gate of the cemetery where Samantha and Melissa had just sat down. ‘Just talk. It can’t do any harm. I’ll call you later.’
Eva took a deep breath and nodded. She watched as Shelly passed her mother and sister, silently raising her hand to say good-bye. Samantha returned the wave as Shelly rounded the gate and was gone. Eva brushed the last of the snow off the bench and sat beside Samantha.
Chapter 2
Fresh snow began to fall, but Eva didn’t notice the revived chill in the air. Her fingers were blue around the knuckles and her lips had gone a little numb, but she was warm inside. She sat contentedly and listened as her mother told stories of two little girls and the mischief they got up to as children. Eva could see the smile in Melissa’s eyes and she knew her sister remembered some of the funny anecdotes Samantha shared, even if she wouldn’t admit it.
‘You were so headstrong as a little girl, Eva. Your father used to say that he pitied any man who would dare take you on,’ Samantha said.
People change, unfortunately. ‘Well, life is a lot easier when you’re two, Mom. All you have to do is pee in your pants to make your point,’ Eva sighed.
‘Yes, I’d certainly like to think you have found better ways to argue than lack of bladder control,’ Samantha replie
d with a wink and a big, toothy grin.
Samantha and Eva laughed, but Melissa was present in body only. Samantha stood up and stretched her arms over her head and back down by her sides.
‘Damn arthritis,’ Samantha said, taking exaggerated long strides to stretch out her legs.
Melissa leaned forward on the bench, watching Samantha with concern as she walked around in a large circle. Samantha returned to the bench after a few painfully silent minutes and sat between Eva and the bench end, forcing Eva to scoot over to sit right beside her sister. Arthritis, my ass, Eva thought, rolling her eyes at her mother’s transparent attempt to push her daughters closer together. Melissa and Eva might have been side-by-side physically, but emotionally, there was a world of distance between them.
‘You know, Mel. You used to take Eva to bed with you every Sunday morning and read stories. You’d be there for hours together,’ Samantha continued.
Eva smiled, remembering the Elves and the Shoemaker, her favourite. Melissa used to talk in a funny, squeaky voice when she read the elves’ part. The memory warmed Eva inside; she could almost feel the comfort of Melissa’s arms around her as they lay tucked up in bed on a Sunday morning.
‘Well, something had to drown out the sound of you and Dad arguing,’ Melissa snapped, leaning over Eva to glare at Samantha.
Eva’s heart sank. She’d never realised Melissa had gone to such lengths to protect her from the shit going on in their house. Two years is practically no gap at all when you’re twenty-seven and twenty-nine. But rewind twenty years, and the weight of protecting her younger sister had fallen heavily on Melissa's shoulders. Eva had been too young to even notice.
Samantha turned sideways on the bench to face her daughters. ‘I owe you both an apology, don’t I?’
‘No. No, you don’t,’ Eva assured. ‘It’s Dad who should have apologised. Years ago.’
‘Your father wasn’t a bad person, Eva,’ Samantha said, sternly.
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