When I get back to the hotel, Alex isn’t home and the next day she’s gone all day, so on day three I still haven’t been able to even catch her up on the latest developments. I walk into my room and head straight for the bedroom. I’m getting used to the routine. By day I plot, and at night I analyze my life, trying to piece it back together. Yesterday I went by my old office, hoping something would click. Today I tried to go back to where I was at the night of the attack, but I couldn’t make it through the doors. I stood outside for an hour, just looking at those goddamn doors. Then I turned my hatred toward my feet, cursing them silently, for their refusal to move.
After the last two days, I haven’t remembered anything more. A part of me knows exactly what—or more specifically—who I need to see. I check my phone for unanswered calls and messages. Almost all of them are from Cole. I shove the phone back in my pocket, unwillling to open that Pandora’s box just yet. I need a break from men in my life. It’s all too much.
Saying goodbye to Jack in the hotel, he reassures me that he is there for me when I need him, but something is off about him. He’s cold, removed, not the Jack I know, or knew. I think my baggage has started to affect him, and although he’s trying to be supportive, it’s taking a toll. I need to let Jack go and live his life. There is no question, if I have to choose, my choice is clear and already made. But right now I need to focus on myself. I need to try and understand my own memories.
I walk out of my room and see Alex in the living room of our suite. Thank the good lord!
She looks up from the couch. “Hey,” she says, hanging up her cell. “You okay?”
“No, I don’t know. What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with the beefcake tonight.”
She smiles and pats the couch next to her. “You are my best, most favorite friend ever and you know I love you to the moon and back, right?” Her smile is weak and I can see her hands are shaking.
“Alex?! What’s wrong? I’m sorry, I’ve been so consumed with my own drama that I haven’t even checked in with you. Are you okay?” I rush to sit and grab her hands in mine. I love her and I realize I’ve been a horrible friend since this ordeal began.
“ I’m fine, hon, but you aren’t, and I’d like to fill in some blanks for you. We were warned to let your memories come back to you on their own, but I think it’s time to help you if I can.”
“Wait. What? What do you mean, fill in the blanks?” This is not what I was expecting. I want to fall down and sob. I am so incredibly happy to have some help!
“Alex, are you saying you know important things I don’t know?”
“Yes, I do. I also know what happened the other night, because Cole called me. I tried to give you space so you could try to sort everything out yourself, but damn what the doctor says. I think you need a jumpstart.”
With that, the dam breaks and I start to sob. Alex wraps her arms around me and pulls me close.
“Shhh, it’s okay. You cry and when you’re done, we will eat ice cream and reintroduce you to your life.”
I didn’t realize how much fear and frustration I’ve been carrying. It’s exhausting. I cry for almost an hour and fall asleep. When I wake up, Alex is still sitting next to me, sipping a cup of tea. She’s put a blanket over me. I look up to see her and she smiles. “Morning, sunshine! Ready to start?” Hell yes I am.
Alex points to a cup of tea she made for me. I go to heat it up in the microwave and take an appreciative sip, then rejoin her on the couch. “Alex, just start at the beginning and don’t stop until you get to this moment.”
“Well,” she begins, “let’s start with the big stuff, because I kinda think you might need some time to process certain facts before we move on to the rest…”
Oh man, am I ready for this? I turn to face my best friend on the couch. I can feel that my face is swollen from crying, but that’s done. I will not shed another tear. From here on I am going to handle this like a boss.
“Ok, off comes the band-aid… Cole Parker is actually your husband.”
I have no words. Time has stopped and I can’t take a breath until my body registers this shock on various levels.
“Seriously, I just gave myself a whole internal pep talk about being a boss and not crying, and now you’re telling me that I’m married to a man I’m pretty sure I’m crazy about but I don’t remember any of it? Does this also mean that not only did I walk out on my husband last night, but he’s basically been living in wait for me this whole year while I couldn’t remember my life before the first Carter incident?!”
I take a breath to continue. “Wait. Give me a chance to think back over what I DO remember. If I’m finally catching on, then you are telling me that you and my parents have known since last year that I’m a married woman, and what, just watched me go on dates? You let me cheat on my HUSBAND and never thought to be like, ‘hey, friend, you’re married, don’t fuck other people’?? WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK, ALEX??!She stares at me with her mouth open, closes it and then opens it again, as if to speak but nothing’s coming out.
“I thought you were on a break?” She says this to lighten things up. That is Alex’s way. But it’s a damn inappropriately timed joke, and not funny.
I roll my eyes while she continues. “Oh Mia, I’m sorry, you have to understand, when everything happened and you lost your memory, none of us knew what to do. The doctors told us there’s a chance you will get it back and we shouldn’t push you. Your Mom and Richard decided it was better for you to return to your old life before Cole, even though that’s not what Cole wanted. He could have fought them on it, but he wanted to respect their wishes and follow whatever would make you most comfortable. He’s been waiting for you to come back to him since it all happened.”
My heart hurts for so many reasons, and my mind remembers his words… “I need you to choose me,” and, “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this again.”
“I walked out on Cole. I saw his face in one of my flashbacks. Alex, he was there when I was hurt by Carter! I feel like I don’t know who or what to trust.” I put my head in my hands and close my eyes.
Alex grabs my hands, pulling them down and away from my face. “No, honey! Cole had nothing to do with you getting hurt. He actually walked in during the attack and stopped it! He beat Carter nearly to death. He saved your life! It took five guys to drag Cole off of Carter. I thought he had killed him. It was awful, Mia. You were unconscious, and Cole was sobbing next to you. He wouldn’t let anyone touch you, kept trying to cover you, tried to clean the blood from your face, but I had to convince him to stop so the police and paramedics could work on you. He never let you out of his sight.
“You were out for over a day while we all waited. When you woke up, I’ve never seen relief like that. It was like watching him take his first breath from being deep underwater. My heart broke for him—for all of us—when you woke up and asked who Cole was. He was devastated. You didn’t want him around. You had a panic attack and passed out when he tried to touch you. After that he waited in the waiting room just to make sure you were okay. He lived in that waiting area for the entire week before you were released.
We were all there, Mia, but Cole was invisible to you. You didn’t know him. Your mind had blocked him out with the memory of being attacked.
More tears. I’m who Cole gave his heart to. He’s the man who loves me. Damn my stupid brain! How can I not remember a love like that? How could I forget the single most important person in my life?
“I don’t know what to say, Alex. I’m so sorry for all you’ve had to deal with. I can’t imagine the stress this has caused you! My poor family and friends, what a horrible burden to bear over this whole year.”
“It wasn’t so awful for me, I got to have my roommate back,” she says with a smile. “You remembered us. It’s Cole who has suffered. You blocked out everything from the time he came into your life, but he hasn’t given up. I don’t think he ever will… He has so much belief in the love between y
ou, he has remained determined to get you back without wavering, ever. That man loves you, Mia. Like, fairytale love.” She smiles, squeezes my hand, and wipes her eyes.
“Fuck! I wish what you’ve told me would trigger my memory. I want so much to remember. I guess it doesn’t really matter, because the new me loves Cole anyway. At least now I can understand why I fell so quickly,” I say with a small smile. “I am so angry that he didn’t tell me everything. I told him last night about Carter, and he said nothing. I understand now, I get it, but oh my God, Alex, I fucked up so bad. Cole doesn’t deserve this. Now that I know what he’s been through, I can’t put him through this too. I may never get my memories back, and that would be so unfair to him. He needs to forget about me and live his life.”
“Honey, you are it for that man. He hasn’t left your side in eighteen months. He almost lost his mind when he found out Carter got near you again. You really think he won’t wait a little longer?”
I know she is right. Cole needs me and I need him, but I don’t know how to go back to him without causing him more pain, and I can’t understand or accept him wanting me as this new Mia. This is all so messed up!
“Please tell me that you started with the biggest bomb, because I’m not sure I can take anymore. Jeez.”
“That’s the biggest one, I swear. Well, other than the baby…”
“What??!!”
“Kidding! Hahahaha!”
“Alex! Not the right time! What the hell, don’t give me a heart attack. So not funny. Your comedic instincts are the pits.”
“Sorry! You know I joke inappropriately when I’m under stress!”
I shake my head at my friend, who shrugs and mouths ‘sorry’.
“Let’s stop talking about me for a minute. Let’s talk about you and Chris… How is it going?” She squeals and puts a pillow over her face, and just like that my drama is tabled.
We spend the next few hours talking nonstop like twenty-something girlfriends are supposed to. It feels normal to just hang out with Alex again, and I’m grateful. I haven’t felt normal in forever. I’m happy to discover that she and Chris the bouncer have been dating for the last few weeks. Our break-in at the apartment pushed them closer together, and now she thinks they might be exclusive. ‘Might be’ means she’s dragging her feet. I realize that Alex has been going through all of this with me and Cole, with my parents. Everyone close to me has been affected by this awful series of events, compounded by my brain refusing to cooperate. Suddenly I need to see my mom and Richard. I need them to know that I love them and I understand. I may not remember, but I appreciate them and need to tell them.
I decide to nap before going over to see Mom, because frankly I’m exhausted and I’m gonna need all of my strength for later. I’m resting when Alex knocks on my door and walks in holding another envelope. “You got another note.” She lays it on the bed and smiles before walking out.
I sit up and hesitate, nervous about opening it. I don’t want a Dear Jane letter from Cole, even if I deserve one. I rip it open to find another folded paper. All it reads is, “miss you” just like the previous note. I run my fingers across the neat handwriting, wondering why Cole keeps leaving these. I pull my phone out of my purse and look at the screen. There’s a red bubble highlighting that Jack has texted me. Call me, it says.
Ugh, I don’t know how to handle him. I am fond of Jack and he has been a good friend… or has he? Something isn’t right about him and I can’t put my finger on it, but I m sensing that Jack may have something to do with my past. Later. I’ll call him later.
The second message is from an unknown number and I immediately know it’s Cole.
I need you.
Please come back to me. I miss you.
Please, Mia.
You are my hope. I can’t breathe without you.
I sit reading through message after message, my heart breaking a little more with each one. I’ve been waiting for my life to start, thinking I’ve been in limbo all along, when apparently I was a thriving, happily married woman just over a year ago.
Suddenly, I know exactly what I need to do. I feel invigorated as adrenaline drives me right out of my bed. I get up, grab Cole’s note, put it in my purse, shower, dress, and go to find Alex.
“What’s up? I thought you were taking a nap.”
“There’ll be time to sleep when I’m dead. Come on, we need to get an apartment. We can’t live our whole lives hiding from reality in this damn hotel. I don’t know if or when Cole might take me back. I’ll have to get that sorted out with him. In the meantime, we need to get back to living.”
Alex looks happily surprised. She grabs her purse to meet me at the door and says, “I like it! No time like the present.”
We spend the afternoon looking until we find a perfect apartment. It has great security, a nice view, and is even rent controlled! It’s available for immediate move in, so I drop Alex at the hotel to pack her things and she confirms that she will call my mom to let her know about our talk. I head over to Mom and Richard’s, straightaway.
When I arrive, I head straight up and don’t even call out when I walk into the house. I see Mom standing by the refrigerator and barrel into her, hugging her with all my might.
Startled, she yells, “Mia!” then hugs me back, equally fierce.
“I’m so sorry, mom. I’m sorry you’ve had to carry this burden. I still can’t remember more than random flashbacks, but I’m so glad I know, so I can say thank you! Thank you so much, for everything. I love you, mama.”
“My sweet girl. Oh, Mia,” is all she can say as she silently cries.
Mom smiles at me, wiping tears from my face. She looks relieved and I’m so happy I could give her that. I turn around, sniffling, and see Richard standing at the island. He looks awkward and I realize he wants a hug too, so I happily oblige. He only hugs me for a few seconds before patting my back and clearing his throat. That’s emotional for Richard. I’m thankful for the love he has given my mother and all the support he has given me.
“I’m glad you’re here, honey. I got a call from Cole the other morning. I have made arrangements for security to be with you just until we find Carter. I’m sure you can understand Cole’s insistence. You probably haven’t even noticed them. They’ve been trailing you for the last few days. Cole has been firm about keeping you safe while helping you maintain a sense of freedom.”
“Absolutely, it’s fine. Whatever you all think is best, you won’t get any more arguments from me.”
I hug my mother once more and promise to have dinner with them later in the week. Right now, I need to go and tie up the loose ends with Jack. If I am going to work my way back to Cole, I need to do it free of distractions and obligations. I don’t want to feel guilty and try to be nice, then have kindness misinterpreted as interest. I need to face Jack in person, thank him for helping me through this last week, and make it clear that there is nothing romantic between us.
Mom hugs me again and kisses my cheek. “I’m feeling very optimistic now darling,” and Richard adds, “Me too, Grace, me too.” He smiles at me.
“I love you both very much. I’m sorry I can’t stay longer, but I have arrangements to make with the new apartment and moving. I don’t want to keep Alex waiting.”
“Of course, my darling. I understand. Thank you for coming by. It means more than you can even know.”
“I do know, mama. It means the world to me too.” With that I walk back out the way I came.
As I sit looking out the cab window, I reflect on this last week. It’s funny how everything can feel most out of control and chaotic when life is trying to move you in the right direction, toward your purpose. I’m Cole’s purpose, and he is mine. The thought settles me and leaves just enough room for solid hope that we can find our way back to each other once again, and make it work.
As the car pulls up in front of Jack’s building, I feel uneasy. I call him and ask him to come out to meet me, I don’t want to be trapped inside hi
s space. I need a neutral location. I scan the block and spot a little coffee shop that looks busy at the far corner.
“Hey,” he says, walking out of his building door two minutes later.
“Coffee?” I motion towards the end of block.
“Sure,” he says. He is smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. His eyes are dark and broody. He senses I am not here to plan our future together.
We walk in silence. Once we sit with our coffees, I decide to break the ice. “Thanks for the other night. I know I still owe you all kinds of explanation.” I keep staring at my coffee cup, unable to look at him.
“Look at me, Mia. Look at me and explain why my girlfriend called me to pick her up from another man’s house. Explain why you two were fighting like lovers. I’m patient, Mia, and I have been an ass, I know, but I don’t deserve this.”
So much for easing in. The worst part is that he’s right, except for me being his girlfriend. His possessiveness creeps me out a little. Does he really expect…?
“I know you don’t deserve this, Jack. That’s why I am here to speak to you in person. Thank you for being my friend, and I forgive you for being an ass. The thing is, Jack, all I can offer is friendship. Nothing more. My heart isn’t mine to offer anymore. It knew where I belong even when I didn’t.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He puts down his coffee a little harder than necessary.
Using Cole’s words, I say, “It means I gave my love away a long time ago and I refuse to take it back.” I look at him apologetically. I was hoping he would take it well and I could get this over with quickly, but it doesn’t seem to be going that way, not from the storm brewing on his face.
“No way. When did you even meet him? You haven’t known him for that long! Have you remembered something new? What about what we have?! What about me?!” He’s raising his voice, and people are starting to notice.
“Jack, it’s so much more complicated than you could even know. I have known Cole for longer than you think, but it doesn’t matter because even if I knew him for an hour I would still feel the same.” I don’t want to hurt Jack, but I know if I don’t want to continue to hurt him, I have to make this very clear.
Come Back to Me Page 10
