I actually said that out loud, so now I’m back. I had to get him some treats, and then after his treats, he likes a really long belly rub. Like forever. I could probably be certified to be a masseuse at this point with the number of belly rubs I provide to Duke. And please don’t ask why I can’t just walk away and stop the belly rub. Because I’ve tried, believe me. But Duke will come over and bop my arm, my leg, anything with his cold nose (and it’s big; he’s a German Shepherd), until I give in and give him the never-ending belly rub.
Anyway, Mark said that Duke is a good runner and that he always runs with him, so I signed us up for a race in Georgia. Just the two of us. I even found a doggy hotel for us. I’m a little concerned about the smell, but I’m guessing Duke will be fine with it. So, I’m off to Georgia for the weekend.
The race is tomorrow. I’m packing everything up now and am leaving tonight. I don’t like driving at night, but Mark said that Duke is trained to protect me, etc. He’s one of those Schutzhund trained dogs. Which, I believe, he doesn’t like it if anyone gets near me unless I give the right command. Mark left me with a book so I would know which words to use. I never really thought I would want a German Shepherd. I had mentioned before about how much I love dogs, but I thought when I got one, it would be small? Anyway, Duke is really well-trained and it’s been really nice having him around. The idea of him not being around makes me sad.
Back to Mark. Yes, I have been following C-SPAN religiously, ha not religiously because I already mentioned I don’t go to church. But I have not “kicked” my C-SPAN addiction and now Duke watches with me. I feel like he knows that Mark is there too and is worried about him.
So, seven weeks ago, Mark showed up with Duke and asked that I watch him. He said he’d never been in a kennel, and he couldn’t bear to think about him being in one for who-knows-how-long. And honestly, I didn’t want to think of that either. That would be really sad. Mark told me he has no family or any friends besides me whom he'd trust with Duke, and would I please watch him. I took one look in Duke’s big brown eyes, and I said yes.
I’m having so much fun with Duke that I don’t want to give him back. I know Mark will come back, or at least I’m assuming he will, and he will want Duke back, because Duke is awesome. But anyway, back to Mark. He asked if I would write to him. He said that he didn’t have anyone else to write to, and he really wanted to hear about how Duke was doing, and maybe I would read his letters to Duke.
I hope you don’t mind. I feel somewhat guilty writing to Mark, and honestly, he seems to have much more time than you do to write. He writes me every single day. Tells me about every single thing he has encountered in great detail, and then he writes about his childhood. I swear, he is trying to use me as a means to get his memoir accomplished. By the way, we are finally up to his college years. If I had to read one more story about his lunchtime antics in elementary school, I think I might have had to end it. There are only so many sandwich specifications a person can read about, you know?
Back to my birthday, and I’m not one of those it’s my birthday people, but I thought you should know, and I’m pretty excited about running the race on my actual birthday with my—Mark’s— dog. With Duke.
And I was overjoyed to get your email. It was such a nice surprise and perfect timing, given that my birthday is tomorrow. By the way, when is yours? I was worried, after I sent my I-choose-love email, that you were choosing pride, and that you were still bothered that I asked you a question. But I have been watching C-SPAN, and I had hoped that the drop in communication was because of that, and not anything you were feeling about or towards me.
Are you okay? It has been painful to watch, and you are experiencing that. Mark says it’s not as bad as what the media makes out, but I have a feeling that isn’t true. I don’t know where he is, but it’s somewhere in Afghanistan. He didn’t tell me where. I don’t think he will be over there as long as you, either. He said it was going to be a short tour and that was another reason why I was okay taking in Duke, because it wouldn’t be for a year or something.
In reference to your email, I want to hear everything and anything that you want to tell me, whether in person, or by email, or letter. I’ve regressed back to my email addiction and check it too many times a day. I just felt that you would write me back, and you did. And Matthew, my heart is a ball of nerves. I was so worried. Two months is a long time not to hear from someone. I know you can’t control it, but gosh…it was really hard. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for Duke, I’m not sure how I would have gotten through it without going a little nutty myself. But, good news is, I’m increasing my own stamina because of Duke. We are running a 5-miler race. I know it’s not a 10k, but still, that’s almost two more miles than I could handle before. Maybe when you get back, we can run together.
Of course, I would prefer we check out your stamina in other areas first. ;)
I’ve got to go, even though I don’t want to, but I’ve got to get Duke and I to the doggy hotel. Ha, that makes it sound like a hotel filled with dogs. It’s a Residence Inn, so I’m hoping it’s nicer than a kennel. But, I’m bringing my own pillow, just in case. I can’t help but admit that the idea of bed bugs really freaks me out. I hope you don’t encounter anything like that over there. Well, that’s probably the least of your worries. The idea of those little bugs coming out at night to suck your blood...Yuck!
Eep, I can’t end this on a bug note. Let me tell you something happy. I took your climbing equipment, and I went mountain climbing. Well, it was more like a hike. But still, it was more height than I’ve seen on my regular runs with Duke. I almost felt like you were with me. I did have your Ranger Watch on. I wasn’t sure if I’d hear from you again, but I took a picture of me on the mountain with your watch on. I’m attaching it for you.
With Love, Your Civilian Girl,
Vivian
Chapter Twenty
From: [email protected]
Sent: 5/15/16 01:58
To: [email protected]
Dear Civilian Girl,
Happy Belated Birthday. I’m sorry I missed it. Next year, I’ll be there for it. I just got a chill thinking about it. Not long now. Every morning, I wake up with a smile, because I am one day closer to meeting you.
Let me know when you get the birthday gift I sent. Preferably, send pictures of you wearing it. There are few things more awkward than asking your gay brother to buy lingerie for the girlfriend you have never met. Bear in mind, he has never been with a woman, so Victoria’s Secret must have been an experience for him. Thank God he is a good sport. He hasn’t given me any grief since the initial dating manifesto. He knows this is legit. It is crazy, but it is legit.
Now, about Mark. I want to reach through the computer and give you a shake. Actually, if I could reach through the computer, I would want to kiss you, and touch you, and, well, you know everything I want to do with you, or maybe not, I’m quite creative.
I have to take my hat off to the man, his tenacity is pretty fricking impressive. And adaptable. You know, Rangers are known for being able to adapt to any situation. His objective is clear. He wants you. He tried scaring you, he tried just turning up, he has tried “just friends,” and now he is inserting himself into your life. Complete ambush.
He reminds me of a guy I met at Ranger School. He was thirty five, old to be starting out, I think, and he had tried to pass six times, failing every time, but he didn’t give up. We were together for the Florida phase. It is the last phase, and it is entirely in the swamps. It was hell. Seriously, hell is not just a hot place, it is wet, with shit colored water so thick you can’t even see the snakes and alligators until it is too late. Hell is a swamp in Florida. I had not taken my boots off for days. My socks were soaking. My feet were rotten, completely infected. Every step felt like bayonets going through the soles of my feet. I kept telling myself that they would eventually go numb, but they never did.
Anyway, the last day, the very last physical test you hav
e, is a fifteen-mile march to the gates of the base. Normally, this would be nothing. I could run fifteen miles before breakfast, and then go out for another fifteen. But I was in pain like I have never experienced before. The infection was spreading up my ankles. I needed a doctor, but I was almost there. So, anyway, I was walking, and I knew every step was ripping my feet open further. And I was so tired, just exhausted. We average 2 hours of sleep a night for nine weeks. On a side note, I've got the night shifts covered with Dunwoody. As long as she manages two hours at a time, I’ll be a happy man.
Anyway, on top of being exhausted, I was ravenous. You only get two MREs a day, so you are always hungry. I lost 32 lbs. I didn’t have 32 lbs to lose. I had no body fat left, and very little muscle. My body was broken.
So, this guy comes up behind me. And for a brief moment, I thought, “I could just sit down, let a medic give me antibiotics, and I could recycle this phase. Do it again, just like this guy. I could eat and sleep for a month, and then try again.” But I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be the guy who gets it right the first time.
This is the same situation. Mark is the guy who keeps failing but keeps coming back. But here is the thing, there is only one winner this time, and it is going to be me. I’m going to get it right the first time. Yes, I have made mistakes with us, but I’m not quitting.
By the way, I made it. In the end, I counted every step to keep from screaming. I just kept walking, and counting, and I made it. I was in the hospital for three days on IV antibiotics. But it was worth it. And this is worth it. Yes, it sucks not to be with you, but I will be if I keep going, keep counting.
Mark will keep trying. He won’t stop, Vivian, you have to see that. You asked me if I mind you writing to him. Yes. Yes, I mind. He got to meet you first. He got to kiss you first. Letters are our thing. He will have to try another tactic, maybe adopt an orphan and drop him of on your doorstep to co-parent while he is away. He wants you in his life, and he is inventing reasons to make it happen. But there is no room for Mark in our relationship.
You want to know why he has the time to write to you every day? He either works in the mess hall, or has a desk job. I hope his chair is nice and comfy, so he doesn’t aggravate his hemorrhoids sitting on his ass all day. I write to you whenever I can. I know it’s not enough. But it will never be enough until I’m home with you, which will be soon, Civilian Girl.
I want to take you to San Francisco. Maybe next spring. I want you to myself for a while, but I want you to meet Luke and Steven. They will love you. How could they not? You have that effect on men, all men, even the gay ones, if Julian is anything to go by.
Guess what? They’re going to have a baby. I just found out. I’m so excited for them. I’m so happy that you would think it was my baby. Their surrogate miscarried last year, so this time, they didn’t say anything until after the twenty-week ultrasound. She is perfect, ten fingers and ten toes. I don’t know why I’m so excited, but it just feels like a new beginning for everyone. Isn’t that what we all want sometimes, a fresh slate, to start again? I never thought Luke would be a dad, which would be really sad, because he will be a great father. Steven will be too, different than Luke, more effusive and energetic, but that is good. They balance each other.
I’ve already told them I’ve called dibs on the name Dunwoody. You’re welcome. I know you’d be gutted if you had to pick something else. Your dedication to all things Army is really admirable, Civilian Girl.
Happy Birthday, Vivian.
Love,
Matthew
Chapter Twenty-One
[email protected] Sent 5/17/16
[email protected]
Dear Matthew,
Hey listen buddy, I didn’t want to have to send this letter. I really didn’t want to. But it’s time. I told Vivian to stop writing you. Damn, I told her more times than I can count. Not just for her, but for you too. Being Vivian’s partner is one thing, but I’m ready to be more than that, and it’s time for things between you two to end.
It will never work for the two of you. Granted, I had already fallen for her before you started communicating, but it doesn’t matter. She and I are meant to be together. Hell, we’ve already been together. Has she told you that? I bet she hasn’t. She’s too sweet. And man, is she ever sweet, not just with her words, though those are nice, but her actual taste. She’s delicious. Her lips are soft and supple, and her tongue, well, she definitely knows what do to with it, if you know what I mean. And I’m sure you do, in theory. I’m sure you’ve thought about it, but you’ve never experienced it or her. I have, and it was good. Fucking good. Let me give you an idea of how things went. I showed up at her house, being the nice guy that I am, and I brought her flowers, some wine, and a few movies. I thought we could just hang out. That’s what I said, but that’s not why I was there. I was there to make it happen, finally. To really be with her. I knew that, with a couple of glasses of wine, she would loosen up and forget that she is in this “romance” with you.
And it worked, man did it work. The girl likes wine. Red, by the way. I don’t know why I’m telling you that, because you’ll never meet her. She is mine. I’m going to propose to her when I get back and make it official.
As a consolation, I’m going to tell you what it was like to be with Vivian Castello. Did you know what her middle name is? Jacinda, which is probably what we’ll name our first child. Anyway, so after we start drinking the wine, I ask her if she’s ever had a really good foot massage. Like, a really good one. She laughs and says no, and I get down on my knees in front of her, and I take off her sandals. The woman has great feet. Have you seen her toes? They’re tiny, and I wanted to touch them, and I did. I began by massaging her feet and hitting all the right erogenous zones. You probably don’t know what those are, but I do. I’ve been working my way up many women’s feet to their sweet spots for years. And Vivian’s, by far, are the best. After I finish with her feet, I begin massaging her calves and tell her she really needs to have them worked out with all the running she’s been doing. The girl has got a great set of legs.
Then, I get really close to her knees, and I blow on the inner part of her thigh. She giggles. It’s a soft giggle, but it’s enough to tell me to continue, and I do. I kiss my way up her thighs, and reach under her little sundress, and pull her pink lacey panties off. I’m really good at cunnilingus. I always have been, and I know after I sink my mouth into her wetness it will be over. I’ll have her wrapped, and I did. Her legs wrapped around my hips so well. Vivian’s got a pair of lungs on her too. She screamed as I pounded into her. Not a bad scream, but a delicious one. It only made me want to go faster, and I did. I climaxed earlier than I would have liked, but that’s okay. I would save my endurance for round two. Which did happen. Matthew, we had sex like, ten times that night. Ten times. And she screamed my name with each orgasm that I gave her.
So, if that isn’t enough to make you realize it’s over, then maybe this will. Matthew do you know who Vivian’s brother is, was? Do you know what caused his death? I’m sure you do.
Can you imagine Vivian finding out the reason Tommy is no longer alive? Did she tell you they were best friends? Did she tell you how he used to protect her against unwanted advances from boys in the neighborhood when they were growing up? How he would beat down anyone that ever tried to touch her?
Think about it, buddy, and let her go. It’s over between you two. Let her have the life she is meant to have with me, and our kids, and our dog, Duke. By the way, I bought Duke just so that I would have a way to contact her while I was in Afghanistan. I figured that was the way you won her over with your letters, so I thought I would go that route too. Good thing for me, it worked.
Stay Safe, Soldier,
Mark
Chapter Twenty-Two
From: [email protected]
Sent: 6/2/16 22:37
To: [email protected]
Vivian,
What was your b
rother’s full name, rank and number? I need to know. I can’t explain now. I just need to know.
Oh God, I think I already know. It feels like someone just punched me in the stomach. The timing. It just makes sense. Oh, shit. God, I wish I were there now to explain. Oh, God.
Vivian, there is so much I need to explain to you, to make you understand. Our theme is shit timing and mistakes. We have both made them. Oh, God. I think I’m going to be sick. It is like a cruel joke.
I need to see you to explain. I need to hold you when I tell you, so you can’t run away until I make you understand. But, in case that doesn’t happen, I have sent a letter to Luke to give you, in case anything happens to me here. If I die over here, you need to know the truth. All of it. Not just that asshole’s version.
I know everything about Mark. I know you work with him. I know he is your partner. I know everything. Everything. Every fucking detail is now burned into my brain, which is no doubt what he was going for. I can’t even explain. There isn’t an emotion to cover it. Or maybe there is, and I’m just not bright enough to know it. Maybe you will know the right word. What is it called when it feels like someone reaches through your chest and squeezes your heart until it explodes, and then rummages through your guts, and then reaches even farther still, until he reaches your balls, and then he rips them off and hands them to you? What is that word? That is what I felt. What I feel. And I feel culpable. It is my fault too, after all. I played a part in this. Maybe this is part of an atonement, and I need to suffer. Is that what this is? Did he tell you? Is that why you did it?
Dear Soldier Boy Page 8
