by V. Moody
“Shame really. Tim was a great bloke, top man. We tried to distract the ogre like we’d seen the soldiers do, but it went for Tim, no idea why. He didn’t stand a chance once it got hold of him. Nothing we could do. Abby, she was one of the girls, tried to save him, but only got herself killed too.”
Listening to Sonny tell his story, his eyes watering up and his voice faltering, I got the distinct impression I was being played.
“What happened to the other two guys?” I had a strong suspicion they didn’t make it either.
“Well, I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but they were both right galahs. Got into a fight over one of the girls, ended up killing each other.”
Claire and Flossie both had hands over their mouths, like they couldn’t believe it.
“So it was just you and the three girls, then,” I said. “Must’ve been cosy.”
“Trust me, mate, it was a nightmare. No offence,” he said to the girls, “but it’s not easy fighting for your life and trying to keep three girls safe at the same time. Still, we managed somehow.”
“They must have been very grateful to you,” I said. “Where are they now?”
“The adventuring lifestyle wasn’t really their cup of tea, if you get my drift. Noleen got herself a job in one of the taverns. Dora took up with some rich bloke she met. Got married, doing very well for herself, last I heard. And Felicity went off by herself. Bit of a free spirit that one.”
Yeah, sure. This guy was so full of shit, I was surprised there weren’t bunnicorns jumping out of his mouth. The others, however, were hanging on his every word.
“The one who got a job in a tavern, which tavern was it?” I asked him. “We could use a contact in the city.”
“Yeah, good idea. Let me think… Was it The Poached Ferret? I think that was the one.”
I was betting if we went to that tavern, they would have never heard of any Noleen there.
“Where’s the best place to stay?” I asked him. “Can we rent a place? Or should we just get a room in a tavern?”
“Come stay with me! I’ve got a huge place, plenty of room for all of you, and my staff will take care of all your needs. You won’t have to lift a finger. Proper bath. Real home cooked food. You’ll love it.”
The others perked up at this news and I could tell they were warming up to Sonny, which was their absolute right. There’s no law against stupidity.
“You have servants?” I asked him.
“I wouldn’t call them that. They work for me, and I pay them. I pay them well.”
“But they’re all girls, right?” I just had a feeling they would be. “And you dress them in maid outfits.”
“Well...,” said Sonny, carefully choosing his words. “It’s not like I make them do anything they don’t want to do. We’re like a team. You’ve got to have support system in this world. Nobody does it all alone, am I right?” He leaned back and let out an excited yell. “Wa hooo! Looks like this meat is ready! Prepare your tastebuds for the time of their lives.”
I’d never seen anyone get so excited about barbecued meat, but he was Australian, so it didn’t seem so strange. Sonny picked up the meat from his barbecue and passed them to us. They all quickly disappeared down our throats.
“So, the general set up in this world is pretty straightforward. I mean, I can’t tell you why we’re here or how we got here in the first place, but I can tell you what you can expect to find in the city. There’s four main cities in all, each one has a royal family, and a ruler. These royals are all descended from the First Visitors who arrived over a hundred years ago.”
“Who were they,” said Maurice, “these First Visitors?”
Sonny shrugged. “Details are sketchy. Apparently they defeated some big bad, saved the world and got to be kings and queens. Nice work if you can get it. They’re the ones who named everything. Re-named it, actually. Decided the original names were too hard to pronounce, or something. That’s why this place is called Flatland, and the other place is called Monsterland.”
The existence of this ‘other place’ was news to us. We hadn’t been told about Monsterland.
“Where is Monsterland? We have a map, but there’s no place called that on it.”
“Let me have a look at this map,” said Sonny.
Maurice took out the map. He opened it up and placed it on the ground. It was getting quite dark, so we all huddled around the map as Sonny inspected it.
“Yeah, this is only the local area. What they call Monsterland is over here.” He tapped the ground about six inches away from the north west part of the map. Then he tapped down below the southern part. “Over here is the ocean. No idea what’s beyond it. And over here is a desert.” He indicated the area east of the map. “Rumour has it there’s another empire past the desert, but I don’t know how accurate that is.”
Sonny told us about the constant fighting on the frontier between Flatland and Monsterland. Apparently, war was constantly on the horizon.
“Once you’re settled in Fengarad, you should sign up for the army. They’re always looking for new recruits, and you get free bed and board—plus, they’ll teach you how to fight! That’s how I learned to handle this.”
He took out his sword which was very impressive. It had engravings all over the blade and the ornate hilt looked like it was made of gold.
“Here, let me show you a few moves.”
He showed us some basic fencing stances. It was actually very useful stuff to know and I asked him a number of questions about how to use my sword correctly, which he was only too happy to answer.
After ten minutes, I already felt more confident swinging my sword around. I still didn’t have a clue how to fight, but at least I could start training myself in vaguely the right way.
“Wa hooo,” called out Sonny, stretching his arms and back. “Hmm, also a good idea to warm up before you do any fighting. Right! I have to visit the little boys’ room. Don’t get in any trouble while I’m gone.”
He sauntered off into the woods to take care of his business. I carried on swinging my sword the way he had shown me.
“See,” said Claire. “He isn’t so bad, even if he is Australian.”
“Ah think he’s nice,” agreed Flossie. “We should team up with him. Probably be a lot safer.” She nudged Dudley who was sitting next to her. “Don’t you think that’d be a good idea?”
Dudley mumbled, “I suppose so.” Both he and Maurice seemed a little uncomfortable with how the girls had suddenly become Sonny fangirls.
“You’re both idiots,” I said.
Claire instantly reverted to witch mode. “Why? Because we think he’s a nice guy? Maybe you’re just jealous because he’s not all bitter and twisted like you. Even when he goes out of his way to show you how to use your sword properly, you can’t even be grateful like a normal person.”
I had to stop myself smiling. ‘Angry Claire’ was so easy to bait. “Have you never had a guy be nice to you until he gets what he wants? You’d think after a person experiences that a few times, they’d learn their lesson, but I guess it’s never happened to you. How is your track record with guys, by the way? Good?”
Claire didn’t say anything, she just glared at me. Of course, I knew her history with men. She had opened up to the group about her shitty boyfriend and the pain it caused her. To use that information against her was both petty and cruel. Welcome to entry level Colin-Fu.
“You want to go with your gut on this one and follow ‘Bruce Almighty’ back to his mansion, join his harem and spend the rest of your days polishing his helmet, go right ahead, Claire. It’s not like your gut instincts have ever led you astray, right?”
Claire stared at the ground, fists clenched. Quietly, but bitterly, she said, “Not everyone is your enemy, Colin.”
“True,” I agreed. “There are still a lot of people I haven’t met yet.”
Sonny came strolling out of the woods, adjusting his trousers. “Wa hoo! Better out than in, eh?” He st
opped and noticed the tension between us. “What’s up, guys? Nothing to do with me, I hope.”
There was a loud crash as the trees Sonny had just emerged from fell over and an ogre, far bigger than either of the ones we’d seen before, came staggering towards us.
The light from the stars and from our small fire made it hard to make out its features, but there was no doubting its size. Taller than a double decker bus and shaking the earth with every step, it slapped down its enormous hands and leaned forward to make a terrifying roar.
The ear-shattering sound washed over us in waves. I could feel my whole body shaking, but I wasn’t afraid. I should have been, but something else had caught my attention. Something about the roar felt familiar, like I’d heard it before somewhere. I don’t mean when we encountered the other ogres, I mean recently.
If you ignored the inhuman volume and the primal rage it transmitted, and tried to recreate the sound in words, I think the closest you’d get would be something not too unsimilar to “Wa hoo!”
8. Rogue Ogre
“Everyone stay calm,” shouted Sonny, although we were all just standing there in shock. The only one really panicking was Sonny’s horse, which he had tied to a large log. The terrified animal was trying to rip its reins free but looked more likely to break its own neck.
Sonny backed away from the ogre as it slowly lumbered towards us. “Looks like this is a fight you won’t be able to pass on.” He grinned at me. “No need to worry, we can handle this. No problemo. Just do what I tell you and we’ll teach this bastard to crash our barbie.” He pulled out his sword. “Right, everyone fan out. Form a line. Make sure to keep at least ten paces between you.”
We did as he instructed and spread out. The ogre stopped as we moved in different directions. Its head moved from side to side as it tried to decide who to go for first.
“Listen up!” said Sonny from slightly behind our line. “This is real simple. One person tries to attract its attention. When it starts moving towards that person, someone else on the other side starts making a ruckus so it moves over there. Rinse and repeat. You over there—” he pointed his sword at Maurice who was the furthest on the right “—give it a go.”
We had all seen how Grayson’s men had confused the ogre that attacked us on our first day, so we already had a good idea of how this was supposed to work.
Maurice raised his hands over his head and waved them. “Hey! Hey! Over here!”
The ogre let out a wa hoo and headed towards Maurice.
“Excellent,” said Sonny. “Now you over there, your turn.” His sword was pointed at Dudley.
Dudley raised one hand and in very quiet voice said, “Excuse me. Excuse me.”
“Come one, put a bit of effort into it. Your mate’s going to get eaten if you don’t.”
In a booming voice, Dudley called out. “I say! Hello? I’m talking to you, damn it.”
The ogre stopped and turned to face Dudley.
“Nice one,” said Sonny. “Now keep doing that while I sneak around behind him.”
Sonny walked around the back of our line as the ogre moved towards Dudley. It took a few steps, and then Maurice started calling it over to the other side. Everything appeared to be going to plan. Until I decided to join in.
I was in the middle of the line, with Flossie on my right and Claire on my left. Both girls looked pretty scared and happy to let Maurice and Dudley play ogre ping pong. I took a step forward and at the highest volume I could manage, I called out, “Wa hoooooo.”
The ogre immediately lost interest in the others and fixed its eyes on me. It’s hard to properly describe the face of something so hideous. Think of a boxer who should have retired from the ring a long time ago. Then make him play rugby. And give him a collapsed nose from doing too much cocaine. Now set his hair on fire so it only grows back in odd patches. That person would be Miss World compared to this monstrosity.
Maurice tried to attract the ogre’s attention by shouting. The ogre ignored him and kept coming towards me. Dudley joined in, but it made no difference. I backed away from the approaching behemoth. The girls also started hollering but I gave it another ‘wa hoo’ and the ogre started to pick up speed.
I had no idea why that sound attracted it. A challenge? An insult? A mating call? (God, I hoped it wasn’t the last one). Whatever it was, it definitely worked. I turned and ran, straight towards Sonny.
Sonny had managed to work his way out to the side of the clearing, probably planning to slip behind the trees and get behind the ogre without being seen. I had a different idea.
“Hey! No!” Sonny yelled when he saw me running in his direction. “Don’t bring it over here. Are you crazy?”
I could tell from his wild eyes and horrified expression he hadn’t been expecting this. He started running for the treeline. I followed him.
He must have thought I was also going for the trees to try and lose the ogre in the woods, so he veered sharply to the left.
I wasn’t aiming for the trees, I was aiming for Sonny, so I also took a sharp left.
The thing about fancy leather armour with metal bands woven onto it is that it’s quite restricting. Not as much as say full plate armour, but still quite heavy. Me in my rags, on the other hand, allowed for a lot of free movement. I quickly caught up to Sonny, and kept pace alongside him.
“Come on, Sonny, “ I called out. “Keep up. Wa hoo!”
The ogre was charging across the clearing, closing in on us. With its breath on our necks, Sonny decided to take a chance and turned to throw his sword at the monster.
Had he been a real hero, I’m sure the sword would have flown straight into the ogre’s eye, killing it instantly. In this case, the ogre caught the sword in its massive hand, and tossed it away without breaking stride. However, what Sonny’s failed attempt to one-shot our pursuer did achieve was to give me the opportunity to throw myself onto the ground and roll out of the ogre’s sight. With only Sonny in front of it, the ogre made the very reasonable decision to focus on the git who’d thrown a sharp object at its head.
Sonny kept running, weaving this way and that, but the ogre wasn’t going to be shaken off so easily. Clearly tiring, Sonny led the ogre back towards the fire. I was way ahead of him, both in the field and in my head.
“Get to the trees,” I yelled at the others who didn’t need to be told twice. We had enough of a lead that there was no way Sonny would be able to catch up and pass the ogre onto us.
With no other option, Sonny headed towards his horse. The animal was rearing up and kicking the air, but it couldn’t get free of its mooring. Sonny got behind the horse and the ogre paused for a moment, before grabbing the horse like a cob of corn and sank its teeth into its belly.
The horse screamed and thrashed about for a bit before going limp. The ogre lifted its head and roared up at the starlit sky.
We watched from behind trees as it dragged the horse carcass to the river, where it crouched down. It ripped off the horse’s limbs and dipped them in the water before munching on them like chicken legs. Apparently food hygiene is a big thing with ogres. It seemed to have lost interest in Sonny and the rest of us.
The ogre was far enough away that we could grab our stuff and get out of there. We emerged from our hiding place and returned to the fire. Sonny was sat with his head in his hands. He looked up as we approached, his face smeared with tears. “You saw what he did!” he screamed. “He tried to get us all killed!”
Not entirely correct, but I couldn’t deny the accusation was sort of true. “I thought I’d do it to you before you did it to me. I mean that was how you got rid of the last bloke, right? Tim was it?”
Sonny stood up, incensed. “What are you talking about? I didn’t kill Tim. He was my mate.”
“Sure. And you said the horse was your best friend. Funny way to treat your best friend, feed it to an ogre so you can save yourself.”
“You really think horses are the same as people. Are you hearing this?” He turned to
the others. “You’re not going to last ten minutes out here with this nutjob. Fuck this guy and come with me. I’ll make sure you’re alright, I promise you.”
I also turned to the others, ready for them to start shouting at me too. But they didn’t.
“The thing about Colin,” said Maurice, “is that he has a special ability.”
“What?” said Sonny. “Getting people killed?”
“No,” said Maurice, “it’s more like that movie, The Sixth Sense, you know the one?”
Sonny stared at him, baffled. I wasn’t too clear on what Maurice was going on about either. Since when could I speak to ghosts?
