Old Sins

by Penny Vincenzi

  ‘Father Kennedy,’ said Phaedria, ‘I wonder what he wants.’

  ‘He wants you to phone him. He sounded rather upset.’

  ‘Oh, dear. He’s such a nice, sweet old man. He was so kind to me. I wonder what’s happened.

  ‘Here’s his number. It must be – let’s see, goodness, midnight there. It must be urgent.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Phaedria. ‘Yes, it must.’

  She phoned the number. It was the refuge.

  ‘Father Kennedy? This is Phaedria Morell. Father, is something wrong?’

  ‘It is, my child, it’s terribly wrong. Or at least it might be.’

  ‘Whatever is it? Can I help? Please tell me.’

  ‘It’s very difficult, I can only tell you a little. I would be breaking every kind of confidence to tell you more. But you are a sensitive and a clever girl, and perhaps you will know what to do.’

  ‘Father, you have to tell me what the matter is. Please. And I’ll try to help.’

  ‘Very well. Today, your friend Miles came to see me.’

  ‘Miles?’

  ‘Miles. And he had another young lady with him.’

  Fear struck out at Phaedria. She sat up rigidly on her chair, trying to keep calm.

  ‘Another young lady?’

  ‘Yes. Her name was Roz. You know her, don’t you?

  ‘I do. Yes.’

  ‘She is the daughter of your husband, and of my friend, Miles’ friend, Hugo Dashwood. As I still have to think of him. I’m sorry.’

  ‘That’s all right, Father. Go on please.’

  ‘Well, Miles was telling me about the legacy and so on. It was very good of your husband, very good indeed, to leave him that money. But –’

  ‘Yes, Father, but what? You’re not making any sense.’

  ‘Well, Miles told me, and God forgive me I didn’t know what to say to him, so I said nothing, nothing at all, that he and Roz were in love. And that they were going to get married.’

  ‘Married! Roz and Miles? Oh, Father, no, that can’t be true.’

  ‘He told me himself, sitting here on the grass, holding her hand. And they are a nice, a very nice young couple. But, Lady Morell, the marriage cannot be. It must not be. Now you must not ask me why. I am not in a position to tell you, and besides that, I may be mistaken in my thinking. But for Miles’ sake and for Roz’s you have to stop them marrying. Cohabiting even. I suspect, and God forgive me if I am wrong, they are, they could be, they could well be, in mortal sin.’

  ‘Father, I can’t stop them marrying. They are grown people. I had no idea there was any question of it, none of us did, but if they want to marry, then they will. Nobody, least of all I, can stop them.’

  ‘They must be stopped,’ he said, ‘they must.’

  He sounded so distressed that Phaedria felt frightened.

  ‘All right,’ she said, largely to soothe him. ‘All right, I will stop them. Somehow. I promise. Please don’t worry, Father, I will talk to people here, to the family, and we will stop them.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, and she could hear him relaxing, calming across the wires. ‘Thank God. I knew you would know what to do. God bless you. I will pray for you. And for them. The poor poor things. So much in love.’

  ‘Thank you, Father,’ said Phaedria, reflecting even in her panic that it was going to take quite a bit of intervention on the part of the Almighty to enable her to stop Roz marrying Miles if that was indeed what she had decided to do. ‘Now do calm yourself. Everything will be perfectly all right, I’m sure. I will see to it. Goodness, it must be late there now. You must go to bed and sleep and just not worry any more.’

  ‘I will indeed, Lady Morell. Thank you. Good night to you now. And please call me if you need me.’

  ‘Good night, Father,’ said Phaedria, wishing fervently it was midnight in London as well as Los Angeles and that she could take an extremely strong sleeping pill and remain unconscious for many hours. ‘Sleep well. And don’t worry.’

  She put the phone down and sank into her chair. She felt as if she was in the midst of some appalling storm raging round her, knocking her senseless this way and that. What was she to do, and who could she turn to? She had a dreadful, a terrible awestruck feeling that she knew exactly why Father Kennedy was so distraught, that she was waking not from her nightmare but to it, and she could hardly begin to summon the courage to confront it.

  She looked up at Sarah Brownsmith, who had just walked back into the office.

  ‘You look terrible, Lady Morell.’

  ‘Thank you, Sarah.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. But you do look very white. Was that bad news?’

  ‘In a way, Sarah, yes.’ She sank her head on to her hands. Sarah was alarmed.

  ‘Can I get you something? A coffee? Brandy?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Phaedria, looking up with something approaching a smile on her face. ‘Yes, I really think the occasion warrants a brandy. And a coffee. And Sarah, could you call Doctor Friedman, and see if she can see me this morning. Tell her it’s desperate. She did say she couldn’t but I have to talk to her. I absolutely have to.’

  ‘I don’t think your friend Father Kennedy was very pleased with your news,’ said Roz, laughing, as they drove away. ‘Poor old man, he looked terrible.’

  ‘Yes, he did,’ said Miles, looking thoughtful. ‘Really terrible. Shocked, I mean seriously shocked. I can’t think why. Poor old man.’

  ‘Maybe he isn’t well,’ said Roz. ‘He didn’t look well.’

  ‘He didn’t, did he? Well, I’ll call in again tomorrow and see if he’s all right. He might have a weak heart or something. The news may have had nothing to do with it. Or maybe he’s just a bit confused. Like my grandmother. These old people do get – well, odd.’

  ‘Maybe. Anyway, that was some proposal. I mean really romantic. You could have warned me.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, smiling, ‘I think I have. Lots of times. If you’d been looking out for it.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Anyway, let me try and do it better.’ He stopped the car, pulled in to a side road, and looked at her without moving, without smiling.

  ‘Roz,’ he said. ‘Roz, I love you. Please will you marry me?’

  ‘Yes, Miles,’ she said. ‘Yes, I will.’

  ‘Doctor Friedman, I think now I really have to ask you some questions and you really have to answer them.’

  ‘Really? Why?’ Doctor Friedman was as cool, as unruffled as ever.

  ‘Please stop asking me questions.’

  ‘It’s the only way I can help you.’

  ‘Well,’ said Phaedria, ‘I’m not so sure about that. But anyway, let me ask you one. Who is Miles? Do you know?’

  ‘Don’t you?’

  ‘No. No, I don’t.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course I’m sure.’

  ‘Think, Phaedria. Think hard. Don’t run away from it.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘Don’t you?’

  ‘No,’ she almost screamed the word. ‘Yes, yes, I do. Oh, God. I just hate this so much.’

  ‘You don’t have to go on.’

  ‘I do. I do, though. You don’t know . . .’

  ‘Don’t know what?’

  ‘About Roz. And Miles.’

  ‘Roz and Miles?’ For the first time Dr Friedman reacted. Phaedria felt it, saw it. That told her everything. But still she turned from it.

  ‘Yes. Roz and Miles. They want to, they’re going to, get married.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘So –’

  ‘So, yes, we have to go on. Very well. And of course you know who Miles is, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Phaedria, with a shuddering sob, ‘yes, I do. He’s Julian’s son. Isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes. Yes he is.’

  Tears filled Phaedria’s eyes. She shivered suddenly, looked at Doctor Friedman almost fearfully. ‘Could I – could I have a drink?’

  ‘Of
course. What do you want? Brandy?’

  ‘Yes, please. God –’ She smiled, brushing the tears away. ‘I’ve had one this morning already. I’ll be an alcoholic soon at this rate.’

  ‘There are worse things to be.’ She pressed her buzzer. ‘Joan, bring us two large brandies in, will you? And some coffee. Now then –’ she looked at Phaedria – ‘is it really so bad. For you? And didn’t you, surely you realize now, didn’t you know all along?’

  ‘Yes. No. You see we all wondered, obviously, we were bound to. But Letitia, his mother, you know –’

  ‘Yes, I know.’

  ‘Letitia and Eliza, and Camilla, she’s –’

  ‘Yes, I know who Camilla is.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Phaedria looked at her, and managed to smile. ‘Is there anything about us you don’t know? Well, we all checked out some dates, the time Julian would have had to be with Miles’ mother. He wasn’t. He was either in New York or in England.’

  ‘Phaedria, there’s no doubt, I’m afraid. No doubt at all. Miles was obviously born either a little early or a little late. Which is the more likely, I wonder? Perhaps he will know.’

  ‘Perhaps.’

  ‘Well, is it really so bad, after all. For you?’

  ‘No, it’s not so bad for me. But terrible, awful for Roz. I just don’t know how she’ll bear it.’

  ‘How did you find out about that?’

  ‘Father Kennedy, an old priest in Santa Monica, who had known Miles and his parents ever since he was born, and who obviously knew, rang me, very distressed. Miles had been to see him with Roz. They told him they were going to get married. He told me I had to stop them.’

  ‘But he didn’t tell you why?’

  ‘No. Not in so many words. But I – well, I suppose I knew.’

  ‘Of course. You must have known many times. Whatever the evidence of the dates. When you first heard about him in the will. When you first saw Miles. When you felt that very strong attraction for him. Well, you would. He is probably very like his father. You loved his father and you were very physically involved with him. And you said to me, something like Miles made you feel as if you’d had a fix of something you had –’ she looked at her notes – ‘known and liked and been deprived off. Well, of course he would.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose he would.’ She was relaxing now, calm with relief that it was over, in the open.

  ‘Is he very like his father?’

  ‘Not at all, and yet terribly. He’s straightforward and relaxed and blond and blue-eyed, so not at all. But then he’s amazingly quick and intuitive and charming and makes you talk and talk, and very very sexy, so yes, very like him. There is something about him, the eyes, I suppose, that is totally Julian. Even though they’re the wrong colour.’

  ‘I’m amazed none of you have worked it out before.’

  ‘Well, we did. I told you. But then – well yes, you’re right. Babies don’t always come at the proper time. Look at Julia. Maybe he was early, like her. But then you see, on the surface he is so very different. He couldn’t act or look less like him. Could you –’ she took a long drink of brandy – ‘could you tell me about it now? Have you always known?’

  ‘Yes, for a long time. He first came to me when Lee had just died. He felt utterly miserable. It was a bad time altogether for him, something had gone wrong for him here, something personal, some affair this end as well. But I think he really loved Lee. Really loved her. She was obviously an extraordinary person. Very brave and lovely. And you see, he was unable to grieve openly. At all. So it became almost unbearable for him. That was what drove him to me. It was the only release. Otherwise it would have been an unthinkable thing for a man like him to do.’

  ‘I suppose so. Poor Julian.’

  ‘Yes. And then he was wracked with guilt over Miles’ father’s suicide.’

  ‘Which was – because – ?’

  ‘Well, yes. He found out. About Miles. Some fool doctor told him he would never have been able to father a child. He put two and two together. That was tragic. Wicked.’

  ‘Poor Miles. We must keep that from him.’

  ‘If we can.’

  ‘And then after Lee’s death, he would have given anything to have brought Miles out into the open, to have told everyone, to have given him a home, his name. But he had promised Lee, and besides it would have meant telling Miles. Very painful for a child. On top of his mother’s death. So – more silence.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The whole thing started as a bet with himself. He decided to pretend to be someone else and see if he could sustain the fiction for a bit. But he fell in love with Lee, made her pregnant, and the whole thing got out of hand.’

  ‘That’s exactly what Letitia said must have happened.’

  ‘His mother?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think she knew too? I mean really knew. Despite the dates.’

  ‘Perhaps. She was very worried about Roz and Miles.’

  ‘How do you think she’ll cope with it all?’

  ‘Oh, wonderfully,’ said Phaedria, ‘we don’t have to worry about Letitia. She could fight World War Three single handed.’

  ‘Good. It sounds, from what you say of Roz, she may need to.’

  ‘So did he go on seeing you?’ asked Phaedria. ‘Julian, I mean. All those years?’

  ‘On and off. Yes. I think he became addicted to me.’

  ‘I can see why,’ said Phaedria with a half smile.

  ‘He loved you very much,’ said Doctor Friedman suddenly. ‘Very much indeed. He said he had never felt anything quite like what he felt for you. He saw you truly as a new beginning.’

  ‘Oh, God,’ said Phaedria, and the tears started to flow again. ‘Oh, God, don’t.’

  ‘Why not? It’s important. It’s good you should know that, surely?’

  ‘Yes, but I wasn’t a new beginning. If I was, I soon ended again. I behaved badly. I was selfish, difficult. Fooled around with someone. Oh, not properly. But enough to make him angry and jealous.’

  ‘Phaedria, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself. You were very young and thrown into an impossible situation. You tried. He did far worse things. Manipulating you and Roz. Sleeping with Camilla North.’

  ‘God, he told you all that?’

  ‘Oh, yes, by the end of his life he was very seriously mixed up. I was worried about him. I saw him very frequently.’

  ‘So what about the will? For God’s sake, why did he do that to us all?’

  ‘He was very angry with you. With you and Roz. I don’t think he had any idea how difficult she made things for you. He felt you were both just behaving very badly. At one point he really did think you were having an affair. And he made that will to punish you. Both of you. In a fit of dreadful rage. After he’d come to LA to find you. Remember?’

  Phaedria nodded.

  ‘And he’d seen Miles by then. Or heard from him anyway. He was quite determined to go and see him, tell him everything, urge him to come and join the family. He felt he’d be able to cope by then. Oh, of course he always meant to make another, more reasonable will, but he said doing that one had been therapy. He said he’d modify it when he’d told Miles and introduced him to the family. He thought he had plenty of time. Then I think when you found him in bed with Camilla North, and left him, he just forgot it. He was so appalled at what he’d done. He just kept postponing remaking it, until something was resolved. It’s a big thing, of course, making a will if you’re as rich as he was. And the earlier one he’d made was before he’d met and married you, so he knew he couldn’t revert to that.’

  Phaedria looked at her. ‘Why didn’t you tell us all before? When you first heard he’d died, when I came to see you? It would have saved so much unhappiness.’

  ‘If I’d known about Miles and Roz, believe me I would have done. But apart from that, I couldn’t, Phaedria. I see my position as very like that of your friend Father Kennedy. I have to safeguard confidences.’

  ‘But Julia
n was dead. You weren’t betraying him.’

  ‘I would have been betraying you if you hadn’t been able to deal with it. I had to learn about you. There was no rush. I couldn’t keep you from the real pain. Of Julian’s death and the will. And I knew you would work towards the discovery by yourself in time. I thought that was much better. I knew you had come to rely on me, would call on me if you really needed me.’

  ‘How did you know?’ said Phaedria, angry, hostile. ‘I might have done something desperate.’

  ‘No,’ said Doctor Friedman, and she was smiling into Phaedria’s rage. ‘I could see you were very strong. I wasn’t worried about you at all. Not seriously.’

  ‘Well anyway,’ said Phaedria, still half angry, ‘what do I do now? Who do I tell? Who tells Roz? And Miles? Oh, it’s awful. Please tell me what to do.’

  ‘Well, it certainly shouldn’t be you to tell Roz. Who is she really closest to?’

  ‘Letitia.’ Phaedria spoke without hesitation.

  ‘And you think she could stand it?’

  ‘Yes, I do. But maybe you should talk to her. I don’t think I could bear it.’

  ‘All right. Bring her to see me. Let me see – this evening, about six.’

  ‘Thank you. And how about Miles and Roz? We should get them home. The longer it goes on, the worse it will be.’

  ‘Yes. Can you contact them?’

  ‘Only through Father Kennedy. He will have a phone number or at least could go out to the house.’

  ‘Then ask him to do that. To get them to call Letitia.’

  ‘All right. What a nightmare.’

  ‘In a way,’ said Doctor Friedman. ‘But then, waking up from a nightmare is such a relief, isn’t it?’

  ‘I suppose,’ said Letitia, sitting very upright in Doctor Friedman’s office, ‘that you are going to tell me that Miles is my grandson.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Doctor Friedman. ‘Yes, I am.’

  Letitia was silent for a while. Phaedria reached out and took her hand.

  ‘Are you all right, Mrs Morel!?’

  ‘Oh, perfectly,’ said Letitia, brushing away a tear, smiling brightly, a trifle tremulously at Doctor Friedman. ‘I suppose I knew all along. I suppose we all did. It was such a relief when we managed to persuade ourselves it was impossible. There was something, just something about him that was Julian.’