Only Child: A novel

by Rhiannon Navin

  So they all rolled over and one fell out.

  There was one in the bed

  And the little one said,

  “Alone at last!”

  “Ten in the Bed” is a song I learned in Mrs. C’s class in preschool, and it popped in my head when I was sitting in the kitchen the next morning. I was looking at the calendar in the kitchen again, and then the song played over and over in my head and it got really annoying. The calendar was still hanging there on the wall and I thought about how we started out with four people in our family—four people on the calendar. The calendar was still the same with the four rows, and no one changed it.

  Then it was minus one person because Andy died, and then it was another minus one when Daddy left me here with just Mommy. I got out the marker from the drawer and I made lines to cross out Andy’s row and Daddy’s row. Then mine and Mommy’s rows were the only ones left. I was going to put the marker back in the drawer, but then I went back to the calendar and crossed out Mommy’s row, too. Because Mommy was also like a minus one. She was a minus one because she started acting mean, and it was like she disappeared from the family, too.

  My friend Nicholas has a dog. His name is Terminator, but they call him Nate for short. His name is funny, because you think he’s this giant, dangerous dog with that name, Terminator, but he’s really small and has a squeaky bark that is not scary, only funny. Anyway, in their yard they have an invisible fence, and Terminator has a special collar. Every time he gets too close to the fence he gets an electrical shock so he won’t run away. Nicholas said that most dogs only get shocked one or two times and then they learn and don’t go close to the fence anymore, but Terminator wasn’t so smart maybe, because he still got shocked all the time. Sometimes we just watched him, and that wasn’t really a nice thing to do, but it was funny to watch how he got shocked and then he did his squeaky bark and ran away from the fence.

  I thought about Terminator and the invisible fence, because it felt like now there was the same kind of fence in between me and Mommy. When I got close to Mommy it was like I got shocked from her meanness, and I still tried a few times, but then I got smarter than Terminator and I didn’t go close anymore. I didn’t actually want to be on Mommy’s side of the fence anymore anyway.

  So that’s why Mommy was a minus one, too, and so I was the only one who was left from the four. My row was the only one on the calendar that wasn’t crossed out, but I didn’t need it because I didn’t have to remember anything on the days of the week. I wasn’t even doing anything, except staying home, and on Mondays now I had to go to Dr. Byrne. This morning Mommy took me for the first time. She didn’t come inside his office with me. She stayed in a chair outside in the waiting room. It was weird. They had a machine on in the waiting room that was making a loud sound like rain.

  I didn’t want to go in Dr. Byrne’s office by myself at first, but he was actually nice, and his office didn’t look like a doctor’s office. It looked like a playroom. He had a bunch of toys everywhere and different-colored big pillows to sit on on the floor. He sat down on a big orange pillow and asked if I wanted to do Legos. They were the big baby kind, not the kind I use. But I did it with him anyway, and all we did was build Lego towers and see which one would crash down first. Then Dr. Byrne—he said I didn’t have to say Dr. Byrne to him, I could say Paul—said it was time to go, and did I want to come back next week, and so I said, “Sure.”

  So that was going to be OK, going to Paul on Mondays if all he wanted to do was play Legos and I didn’t know how that was supposed to help me with my feelings. And I didn’t think I was going to need the calendar to remember to go there, so I took the marker and did scribble scrabble over the whole calendar.

  That was me, the little one in the song, because I was the youngest in the family and I was the only one left in the bed. Except in the song, the little one wanted that to happen, to be alone. That’s why at the end of the song it says, “Alone at last!” I didn’t want that to happen to me, but it happened anyway. And so now I was like in this giant bed that was too big and too empty, and there was a ton of space all around me with nothing in it.

  The next bad thing that happened was that the hideout stopped helping. After I did scribble scrabble all over the calendar, I went in the hideout. I thought that I probably liked it in there because there was only a little space inside and it got all filled up with me in it and my feelings pages and the picture of me and Andy and my books and Miss Russell’s charm and Clancy and Buzz. And Andy. Because Andy was pretend in there with me, so it was like there were still two in the bed when I was in the hideout.

  I went in the hideout and closed the door behind me, like I always did. I switched on Buzz and sat on Andy’s sleeping bag, like I always did. I did everything I always did, and everything looked like it always did. But I didn’t start to feel better like I always did. The scared feeling and the lonely feeling from outside the hideout followed me in and didn’t go away. I closed my eyes and tried to think about the brain safe and how I had to push the bad feelings inside. It didn’t work. I opened my eyes again and all of a sudden I realized what was changed.

  Andy wasn’t there anymore. He was gone. I couldn’t feel him anymore.

  “Andy?” I said, but I knew he wasn’t there. I started to make loud crying sounds. “Please come back, Andy, please please please.” I picked up the angel wing charm and rubbed it in between my fingers. I waited and I asked Andy to come back a thousand times, but nothing changed.

  So then I put the charm in the pocket of my pants and I took the picture of me and Andy off the wall and I hugged it against my chest and I got up and went out of the closet and closed the door behind me.

  [ 43 ]

  Balloons to Remember

  TODAY WAS DECEMBER 6, and that meant it was only three weeks, not even, until Christmas, and also it was exactly two months ago that the gunman came and killed Andy. They were making a special memory ceremony at McKinley today. Me and Mommy and Daddy were going there together and it was going to be the first time for us to be together since Daddy left.

  Daddy came in the morning to pick us up, and when he came in the house it felt like he was visiting. Mommy told him he was late, and then there was no talking in the car on the way to McKinley. Daddy had to park the car far away from the school because there were cars parked everywhere.

  “We should have been here a half hour ago,” Mommy said, and started walking to the school with fast, big steps. She held on to her hat with one hand, and her breath was making the air white around her. Me and Daddy walked behind her, and I had to walk/run because Mommy was going so fast. We walked around the corner with the big water tower and the basketball blacktop and there was McKinley. It looked normal, but it didn’t feel normal. It felt like a place I never went to before.

  When I saw McKinley I stopped walk/running and I got really slow. Mommy didn’t notice. She kept walking fast, and the space between me and her got bigger and bigger, but Daddy turned around.

  “You coming, Zach?” he asked.

  I stopped and looked at McKinley, and all of a sudden all the windows looked like eyes or something. It looked like they were all staring at me. It was really creepy. “I don’t want to go in there,” I said.

  “Guys, can you pick up the pace? We’re so late already,” Mommy called to us. Daddy put up one hand to Mommy like he was saying “stop.” Mommy made a mad face and turned around and kept walking.

  Daddy walked back to me where I stopped, and he put his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t think we’re going inside,” he said. “The ceremony is going to be outside, and it won’t be long, OK?” We followed behind Mommy, and I tried not to look at McKinley with the creepy window eyes.

  There were people everywhere in front of the school. Some people were on the grass and the round driveway, and a lot of people were on the blacktop next to the kindergarten playground. I saw
some people were holding huge floating plastic bags with tons of white balloons in them. They looked like big white clouds. On the other side of the street were a bunch of news vans, and in front of them I saw news people with microphones, and some were giving interviews to people. I spotted Miss Wanda. She was leaning against her van that said LOCAL 4 on the side, but she wasn’t doing an interview, she was reading something. I was happy she wasn’t looking up and seeing me because of what happened at our house. I tried to look for Dexter, but I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  Mommy was on the blacktop now and she was hugging people and talking to them. I spotted Grandma and Aunt Mary standing on the side of the blacktop. Aunt Mary smiled and waved. Me and Daddy walked over to them, and Aunt Mary gave me a hug. “Hey, monkey,” she whispered in my ear. Then we stood there and watched Mommy, and no one said anything. I looked around to see if maybe I could spot Miss Russell, but I didn’t see her anywhere.

  “Hey, Zach, sweetheart,” a voice said next to me. I turned around and it was Mrs. Stella, the lady from the main office, and she smiled at me, a sad smile. “How are you? This must be Dad?” Mrs. Stella said, and Daddy said, “Yes.” Mrs. Stella said, “My condolences, Mr. Taylor,” and her and Daddy did handshakes.

  I didn’t know why people were still saying that to us. That happened two months ago that Andy died, but people were still saying “I’m sorry” and “My condolences” to us. It was like at New Year’s. Sometimes when you didn’t see people at New Year’s, but then you see them a while later or even a long time later, people still say “Happy New Year!” even though the new year started like a long time ago.

  “Thank you,” Daddy said. “This is my mother. And my sister-in-law.”

  Grandma and Aunt Mary also did handshakes with Mrs. Stella.

  “Here, did you get a hope and support pin yet?” Mrs. Stella said, and she gave us each a white pin that was shiny and looked like a ribbon, but it was metal. Daddy helped me put mine on my jacket. I touched the ribbon with my fingers—it was cold and smooth.

  “Make sure you get a balloon at the end of the ceremony. We are going to release them all together to remember…your brother and the others. Won’t that be lovely?” Mrs. Stella said to me.

  Aunt Mary gave me a look like “Uh, no?” and it made me smile, so I looked down at my feet fast.

  I looked around to see where Mommy was. I spotted her on the other side of the blacktop talking to Juliette’s mom from the survivors’ group. Behind them was the fence from the playground, and on it were big pictures. I noticed it was pictures of all the people who got killed from the gunman. In front of the pictures were white flowers, and in the middle was a stand with a microphone. I tried to look around all the people to find Andy’s picture, but someone was probably standing in front of it. I couldn’t see it. But I saw Ricky’s picture. It was right next to the microphone. And next to Ricky’s was a smaller picture of Ricky’s mom, because she was dead now, too.

  Mr. Stanley walked behind the microphone. “Good morning, everyone,” he said, and the microphone made a loud squeaky sound that hurt my ears. Mr. Stanley turned some round switches on a speaker next to the microphone. “Is that better?” he asked, and it was better.

  “We’re about ready to begin. May I ask everyone to come on up closer to join us?” He waved to the people who were still standing on the grass and the driveway. People came walking over and the news people came closer, too. Everyone pushed closer to the front and it got too crowded. And I couldn’t see Mr. Stanley and Mommy anymore because the grown-ups in front of me were too tall.

  “As you all know, today marks the two-month anniversary of the terrible tragedy here at McKinley that took nineteen lives, the lives of our family members, friends, and colleagues,” I heard Mr. Stanley’s voice say over the microphone. “I would like to begin our memorial service with a minute of silence to remember each and every one of them.” Then it was quiet and I saw everyone around me had their heads down and their eyes closed. I didn’t know what they were doing. I looked at Daddy and he gave me a little wink.

  Then Mr. Stanley did a speech, and he talked about all the people who died from the gunman, and he said the names. When he said Andy’s name, Daddy squeezed my hand inside my glove. My feet were starting to feel cold inside my shoes. After he said everyone’s names, Mr. Stanley said he was now going to turn over the microphone to Mayor Rudy Murray who was going to say a few words also. A different voice that was very low started talking. The mayor is the boss of the city and I wanted to see what he looked like.

  “Can you pick me up, Daddy?” Daddy picked me up under my armpits and held me up. The mayor had on a black suit and a red tie, and he didn’t have a lot of hair on his head, only around the back. He was very tall, even taller than Mr. Stanley, so he was bending down to talk into the microphone. That way you could see that the top of his head was shiny and he looked like a regular person, not like the boss of a whole city.

  I looked over to where Mommy was standing, and I saw Mimi was standing next to her now. Mommy wasn’t looking at the mayor doing his speech, but she was looking the other way, behind us. When I turned my head to see what she was looking at, I saw Charlie’s wife was standing on the grass, a little bit away from everyone else. Just then Daddy put me back down on the ground.

  I pulled Daddy’s sleeve, so he would bring his head down to me, and I whispered in his ear, “Charlie’s wife came, too.”

  Daddy stood back up and looked behind us, and then he looked over to where Mommy was standing. He closed his eyes and said, “Crap!”

  The mayor kept doing his speech in the microphone, but then I noticed that a lot of people started turning their heads and started whispering, and some people moved to the side, and that made us even more smushed.

  Then I heard Mommy’s voice. “Mary!” she said very loud. There were more people moving around, and when I heard Mommy’s voice again, it wasn’t coming from the front where she was standing earlier, but it was moving to the back to where Charlie’s wife was.

  “Mary!” Mommy yelled again. “How dare you show up here!”

  “Good heavens,” I heard Grandma say behind me.

  The mayor was still talking, but his voice got quieter and then he stopped. Everyone was now turned around looking behind us. I still couldn’t see anything, so I tried to push through the people to get to the back where I heard Mommy’s voice.

  I saw Mommy and Charlie’s wife standing on the grass with some space between them, and they were staring at each other, and it looked like they were going to have a fight right in the middle of the grass, where everyone was going to see.

  Some of the news people were turning around, too, and that’s when I saw Dexter. He was standing on the side of the grass, and he was holding a camera and pointing it at Mommy and Charlie’s wife. It gave me a mad feeling that he was doing that. Miss Wanda was standing next to him and making an excited face. Happy excited.

  “How dare you come here today!” Mommy shouted at Charlie’s wife, and it looked like Mommy was about to jump on her.

  “Stop!” Charlie’s wife said. She didn’t shout like Mommy, but she said it loud so everyone could hear. “You have to stop,” she said. She took a step toward Mommy and she was holding her hands out. “Please, why are you doing this to us?”

  “Why am I doing this to YOU?” Mommy laughed a loud laugh. I didn’t like the way it sounded. It sounded kind of like a witch laugh. Mommy turned around and looked at everyone on the blacktop. She yelled over to us, “She wants ME to stop what I’m doing to them!”

  “Jesus Christ,” Daddy said behind me in a quiet voice. I turned around and next to Daddy I saw Mimi. She covered her mouth with her hands and tears were spilling out of her eyes. Someone next to me said, “That’s awful.”

  I didn’t want Mommy to talk like that and laugh the witch laugh. The cameras were all pointing at her, so people
watching TV would see how she was acting, too.

  “I’m asking you to please leave us alone. We are…our family is suffering, too. You have to leave us be,” Charlie’s wife said. She was holding her hands together in front of her chest like she was doing a prayer.

  “That’s great! That’s just great!” Mommy yelled. “They’re suffering, too. Everyone, did you hear that? They’re suffering, too. And it’s because of what I’m doing to them.” Mommy laughed her witch laugh again, and her voice didn’t even sound like her own.

  “See this?” she said to Charlie’s wife, and she waved at all the people. “All of this is because of you. Because of what YOU did to US! Because of the…monster that you raised and because you didn’t stop him!”

  A lot of people around us said, “Oh” and “Oh my,” and that’s when Charlie’s wife fell down. She landed on her knees and she covered her face with her hands.

  “You need to leave!” Mommy yelled at her.

  Daddy squeezed my shoulder with his hand and then he started walking to Mommy. He had his head down, like he was hoping maybe no one would see him like that. He got to Mommy and he talked to her in a quiet voice and tried to touch her arms.

  “NO!” Mommy yelled very loud, and she gave Daddy a push. “You don’t tell me to calm down!” Daddy tried to grab Mommy’s arm, and he looked at her in a mad way, but she snatched her arm away. Her eyes were really big and her whole body was shivering.

  A woman walked over to Charlie’s wife and helped her stand up, and they walked away to the cars. Daddy went closer to Mommy and talked to her again, and then Mommy turned around and walked away from him. Daddy waved at me to come, and I did and my whole face and neck and whole entire body was like on fire from the red juice spill when I walked across the grass. I could feel all the eyes on me.

  I looked over at Dexter and his camera was still pointing at us, me and Daddy, walking after Mommy to the car.