Produced by Paul J. Hollander. HTML version by Al Haines.
THE PARENTICIDE CLUB
by
Ambrose Bierce
CONTENTS
My Favorite MurderOil of DogAn Imperfect ConflagrationThe Hypnotist
MY FAVORITE MURDER
Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, Iwas arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. Incharging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked thatit was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been calledupon to explain away.
At this, my attorney rose and said:
"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only bycomparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client'sprevious murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense(if offense it may be called) something in the nature of tenderforbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeedinconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it notbeen for the fact that the honorable judge before whom he was triedwas the president of a life insurance company that took risks onhanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is hard to see howhe could decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like tohear about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, thisunfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself the pain ofrelating it under oath."
The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statementwould be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case isclosed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced threeyears ago, in the spring of 1881."
"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in theCourt of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in yourfavor. But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled."
"I except," said the district attorney.
"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that inorder to take an exception you must first get this case transferredfor a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion dulysupported by affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessorin office was denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr.Clerk, swear the prisoner."
The customary oath having been administered, I made the followingstatement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of thecomparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that hemade no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simplyinstructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stainupon my reputation:
"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputableparents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in mylater years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled nearNigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyondthe dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, thoughhis increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of hisdisposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sadevent for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting agenuine hilarity.
"Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preachercame along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodgingthat we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that,praise God, we were all converted to religion. My father at once sentfor his brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on hisarrival turned over the agency to him, charging him nothing for thefranchise nor plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, asawed-off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks.The family then moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house. It wascalled 'The Saints' Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each nightbegan with prayer. It was there that my now sainted mother, by hergrace in the dance, acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.'
"In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road toMahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were four otherpassengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom Iidentified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage.Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers.I acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in linewith the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to bedeprived of forty dollars and a gold watch. From my behavior no onecould have suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave theentertainment. A few days later, when I went to Nigger Head and askedfor the return of my money and watch my uncle and cousins swore theyknew nothing of the matter, and they affected a belief that my fatherand I had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation of commercialgood faith. Uncle William even threatened to retaliate by starting anopposition dance house at Ghost Rock. As 'The Saints' Rest' hadbecome rather unpopular, I saw that this would assuredly ruin it andprove a paying enterprise, so I told my uncle that I was willing tooverlook the past if he would take me into the scheme and keep thepartnership a secret from my father. This fair offer he rejected, andI then perceived that it would be better and more satisfactory if hewere dead.
"My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them tomy dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval.My father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised thatalthough her religion forbade her to assist in taking human life Ishould have the advantage of her prayers for my success. As apreliminary measure looking to my security in case of detection I madean application for membership in that powerful order, the Knights ofMurder, and in due course was received as a member of the Ghost Rockcommandery. On the day that my probation ended I was for the firsttime permitted to inspect the records of the order and learn whobelonged to it--all the rites of initiation having been conducted inmasks. Fancy my delight when, in looking over the roll of membership,I found the third name to be that of my uncle, who indeed was juniorvice-chancellor of the order! Here was an opportunity exceeding mywildest dreams--to murder I could add insubordination and treachery.It was what my good mother would have called 'a special Providence.'
"At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy,already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss.Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stagerobbery in which I had lost my money and watch. They were brought totrial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt uponthree of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock,convicted on the clearest proof. The murder would now be as wantonand reasonless as I could wish.
"One morning I shouldered my Winchester rifle, and going over to myuncle's house, near Nigger Head, asked my Aunt Mary, his wife, if hewere at home, adding that I had come to kill him. My aunt repliedwith her peculiar smile that so many gentlemen called on that errandand were afterward carried away without having performed it that Imust excuse her for doubting my good faith in the matter. She said Idid not look as if I would kill anybody, so, as a proof of good faithI leveled my rifle and wounded a Chinaman who happened to be passingthe house. She said she knew whole families that could do a thing ofthat kind, but Bill Ridley was a horse of another color. She said,however, that I would find him over on the other side of the creek inthe sheep lot; and she added that she hoped the best man would win.
"My Aunt Mary was one of the most fair-minded women that I have evermet.
"I found my uncle down on his knees engaged in skinning a sheep.Seeing that he had neither gun nor pistol handy I had not the heart toshoot him, so I approached him, greeted him pleasantly and struck hima powerful blow on the head with the butt of my rifle. I have a verygood delivery and Uncle William lay down on his side, then rolled overon his back, spread out his fingers and shivered. Before he couldrecover the use of his limbs I seized the knife that he had been usingand cut his hamstrings.
You know, doubtless, that when you sever the_tendo Achillis_ the patient has no further use of his leg; it is justthe same as if he had no leg. Well, I parted them both, and when herevived he was at my service. As soon as he comprehended thesituation, he said:
"'Samuel, you have got the drop on me and can afford to be generous.I have only one thing to ask of you, and that is that you carry me tothe house and finish me in the bosom of my family.'
"I told him I thought that a pretty reasonable request and I would doso if he would let me put him into a wheat sack; he would be easier tocarry that way and if we were seen by the neighbors _en route_ itwould cause less remark. He agreed to that, and going to the barn Igot a sack. This, however, did not fit him; it was too short and muchwider than he; so I bent his legs, forced his knees up against hisbreast and got him into it that way, tying the sack
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