by Natasha West
We were at a sort of open plan office space, which was apparently where the students studying to be film producers worked. ‘Hey, where’s Victor?’ Janey asked of the room. A skinny looking guy with a beard stood, rushing over. He had a way of moving that was like a hummingbird, quick but precise. ‘This his replacement?’ he asked of me. ‘Yep, this is Allie. Allie, Victor. I’ll be down in the café when you’re done’ Janey said to me and ran off. I was left with Victor. ‘So, you’re directing for us?’
‘Apparently’ I replied. And then I wasn’t sure what to say.
He nodded and then he started laughing. Like, really laughing. ‘I can already tell you’re nothing like Jack.’
That made me wildly curious. ‘How so?’
‘He was a bull in a gate type of guy. Not what you’d call humble.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Believe me, there’s nothing more humbling than turning up here three weeks behind everyone else.’
‘So there’s time to make an arrogant director out of you yet, is that what you’re saying?’ he grinned.
‘Fingers crossed’ I replied. But I didn’t want to be that person, the cliché of the headstrong director, behaving as though their opinion is the only one that matters. How could I be? I didn’t know anything!
‘Me and the rest of the group are meeting at four thirty. Can you make it? We’ll run you through where everyone is, you can get caught up’ Victor asked.
‘I’ll be there’ I said.
Downstairs, I found Janey at the end of a busy queue for drinks, looking at her phone. She looked up as I joined the queue, excited to see me. ‘I’m really glad to have another girl on the course’ she told me. ‘The testosterone can be a bit much.’
‘Chick directors unite’ I joked with an air punch and she laughed. Then we got down to chatting. Janey rambled on about the school, giving me a rundown of events in the last three weeks. I wanted to relax and get to know Janey, I really did. But I also wanted to know what Kim’s problem was. ‘How’s the… teaching’ I asked, trying to be subtle.
Janey cocked her head and smiled. ‘I think what you really want to ask is, is ‘Kim the arsehole she appears to be?’ I don’t really know her yet myself, only been here three weeks but that’s who she is, I think. She fucks with people.’
‘Hey, I was wondering…’ I began and then I thought maybe it was a mistake to say what I’d been about to ask. But it was too late. Janey’s interest was very much piqued. ‘You were wondering what?’
‘Never mind, it doesn’t matter.’
‘Tea please’ Janey told the guy behind the counter and turned quickly back to me, intrigued. ‘Go on, what is it?’ She lowered her voice. ‘I can be discreet. Well, sometimes. Not really, actually, but go on, what did you want to ask?’
I paused. Maybe I could pretend I wanted to ask for a tampon or something?
‘Is it about the person who dropped out?’ Janey asked, a cup now in her hand. I was agog. How did she read me so quickly?
‘Actually, I was wondering…’ I started. The man behind the till was looking at me expectantly and there were people behind me now so I said, ‘Coke please’ while Janey stood, waiting. Once I had the drink, Janey pulled me quickly yet gently away from the till. ‘I’ll tell you everything, I just don’t want any snoops listening in. This place is gossip central, seriously.’
We took a table as far from other people as we could and then Janey began. ‘So his name was Jack. Jack Jarvis.’
The name rang a bell and I frowned, trying to think why.
‘You’ll know his dad. Stephen Jarvis.’
‘Stephen Jarvis!’ I hissed. Stephen Jarvis was a big name, one of the biggest British directors around, a huge list of successful movies, had a home on his IMDB page. ‘His son had my place?’
‘Yeah, lot of kids with parents in the industry go here.’
I didn’t know whether to be scared or impressed. Who would I be mixing with? Elites who would sniff me out in a second as a nobody, from nowhere. But I was here too, I remembered. And I’d gotten here by myself, with no strings pulled on my behalf, no name to influence anyone.
‘So what happened?’
‘Have a guess?’ Janey said wryly.
‘Kim.’
‘Bingo. She was pushing his buttons from the second he got here.’
‘That surprises me. You’d think she’d want to, I don’t know, keep him sweet? Considering who his dad is.’
Janey glanced around before saying quietly. ‘You might have thought that but I’m telling you, she was hammering at him from the second he got here, arguing with him constantly, criticising everything he said. In fact, she used his dad to really put the screws to him. Showed a clip of Sixth Gate the first day, as ‘An example of real filmmaking.’ Imagine how you’d feel, living in someone like Stephen Jarvis’s shadow and the first day, someone makes it clear just how far short of him you’re falling?’
Sixth Gate was one of Stephen Jarvis’s best films and it regularly hit lists of critic’s all-time greats. And Kim would have known she had Stephen’s son in her class. How could she not? And since she must have known, Janey was right, she had to have been fucking with him.
‘Why do you think she was winding him up like that?’ I asked.
‘Not a clue. It was all a bit sadistic.’
‘Great, a sadistic teacher’ I said grimly. ‘This is going to be a fun year.’
‘Look, she’s been riding everyone’s jock a bit so I wouldn’t worry about it. We’re all in the same boat’ Janey told me firmly. ‘And who knows, might do us some good?’
I knew she was trying to be comforting but it was hard to feel excited at the prospect of, as Janey put it, having my jock ridden for the foreseeable future.
After that, we got off the subject of Kim, talking about how and why we were here at the school. I found out Janey loved action and she thought a well-choreographed fight scene was the most beautiful thing there was. ‘It’s like dance’ she told me. ‘It’s all about precise movement.’
I hadn’t thought too much about it before, but it was cool to hear how passionate she was about it. And then she asked what I liked. I kind of braced myself before I spoke. I was at a fancy film school and I was about to extol the virtues of the genre I loved, one oft looked down on in ‘Real’ cinema. Horror. ‘There’s some incredible horror movies made and all people see are the shitty ones, the tenth Saw movie or The Conjuring chapter eight and that’s not all there is’ I said fervently. ‘But when you get a horror movie that’s really about something human, something true, it stays with people, it keeps them up at night, because it digs into something deep they didn’t even know was there. It’s not about jumps and gore, it’s about fear, vulnerability, mortality.’ I stopped talking then, afraid I’d gone into a pretentious rant. But Janey was nodding, interested. ‘You know what, I’m with you on that’ she told me. ‘What are some of your favourites?’
It was only then that I realised I was in a building full of people who were, potentially, just like me. I’d come here still expecting to be on the outside, like I’d always been. But Janey got it. Here less than a morning and someone really got it. ‘The Babadook, Carrie, (original, obviously) The Descent, Rosemary’s Baby, Jaws, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Shining, Evil Dead II, The Thing…’ I said and abruptly stopped. I could have listed maybe twenty more and I might well have done, but at the edge of my vision, something pulled my focus. Walking through the café was a woman wearing loose sweats, covered in paint splatters, a thick mane of copper hair stuffed into a loose ponytail, strutting through the building in a way that most people couldn’t have managed even if they were dressed to the nines. She looked like she didn’t give a shit about what anyone thought.
And what did I think? I thought she was the sexiest creature I’d ever seen outside of a movie.
‘Hey!’ Janey suddenly. ‘Where the hell did you just go?’
I turned quickly, trying to drag my attention back to Janey. I’d alway
s had this problem with the very hot ones. They hypnotise me. I’m like a child walking past a toyshop window. But there was no chance I was going to admit that I’d stopped mid-sentence because a good-looking woman had walked by. I was way past puberty, I should have had that under control by this point. I’d only met Janey this morning and I didn’t want her to think I was some sort of dog that wanted to hump everything. I was a nun this year anyway, I’d vowed it.
‘Oh, I was just thinking about this movie…’
Janey pressed her lips together in a cheeky smile. ‘Yeah, right. You were looking at Ashley Douglas.’
‘Who’s Ashley Douglas?’ I asked, genuinely. I didn’t know Miss Paint Splatter’s name, after all.
Janey looked at me incredulously, ‘So you’re another one? Jesus, what is it with her? Half the school wants to shag her.’
I shrugged and smiled, giving in. It was a pretty organic way to come out at the school, after all. It wasn’t that I was worried to do it, it was more the annoyance of having to do some big reveal. Now Janey knew and she might drop that detail into convo with a classmate and from there, the information of my orientation would find its way to everyone else. Job done. ‘I guess I’m with half the school then.’
Janey laughed. ‘You should have been here on day one, you’re well behind in laying groundwork. The queue is rather long at this point.’
I shook my head. ‘Nope, not doing any more than looking. Staying single, need to have my full attention on this year.’
Janey smiled wistfully. ‘God, I wish I could do that. I’ve got a boyfriend and he’s already being well drama. I’ve been gone two minutes and he’s already started imagining that I’m cheating on him, he’s a civilian you see and I think he’s picturing me getting with some arty type with a man bun. Bloody neurotic. You’ve got the right idea, stay off the market.’
A civilian? I liked that. It made this place seem like its own world. I wanted desperately to be part of its orbit. I hoped that I could be. If Kim Gray didn’t break me before I could find my feet.
Chapter Four
In the afternoon we had a seminar, held in a large bright, tiered room, enough seats for the whole school to fit in. I was excited to be here, for the school bit of film school. I’d just gotten my ID (my picture made me look like I’d stuck a wet finger in a plug socket, but the way I felt, it wasn’t far from accurate) and I was due to find Victor after this, for the meet and greet with the crew of the film I was going to make, of which I still had zero details. I hoped to god I wouldn’t hate the script when I did eventually get to read it. But for now, I was ready to soak up the lesson on auteurs, my fresh pad and pen sitting in my bag, itching to be broken in. Everyone else looked less jazzed about being here, maybe they were used to this particular privilege. But I’d never had any formal film making education. I’d had to make a living instead, steering my own schooling from books and movies when I could. So a thing like this, learning about great film makers, it was exhilarating.
I walked in and wondered if I should just sit any old where but then I saw Janey waving at me, in a row with my other classmates as I roughly recollected them. Jonny of the sour face was on the other side of her and he nodded at me, which I supposed was his version of a warm welcome. I jumped in next to them and pulled out my pad.
And then a guy walked out to the front of the class and said, ‘I’m Jeff and this is auteurs. Today I’m going to talk about Stanley Kubrick.’
There might not be a lot of people in the world who would be excited to hear that. But I was. Just this morning I’d mentioned The Shining as one of my favourite films and this afternoon, we were talking about the man who’d directed it. I was deliriously happy.
An hour later, it all wound down and I put my pad away, a fatted pig, filled with new information. Everyone began to stand up and I did so too. Almost immediately, Janey cried out, ‘Right, bar?’
There was a murmur of agreement and then Janey looked at me expectantly. ‘Oh, yeah, sure’ I said. ‘Where?’
‘They have their own bar here, in the basement’ she informed me. ‘The whole school piles in after five. We’re a little early but…’
‘I’m supposed to meet with my… My crew’ I said, feeling silly for using the word but unable to find a better one. But Janey didn’t see anything odd in it as she replied ‘Cool, come find us after.’
I nodded but I wasn’t too sure about going to the bar. I’d been hoping to get some time to decompress after this meeting. But this day was going to be a long one, it seemed. And the fact that the school had its own bar told me that this might be a ‘Work hard, play hard’ type of place. There it was again, that overwhelmed feeling. This day was turning out to be a roller coaster. From nervousness to blind confidence, fear of Kim, a dash of horniness when I’d laid eyes on Ashley, the pleasure of finding a friend in Janey, the excitement of learning and now back to plain old worry as I contemplated my year. And the day wasn’t over yet.
‘Oh, here she is!’ cried Victor as I rounded the corner of the café to find him sitting with a collection of people who spun to look at me, checking me out in the most naked way possible.
‘So this is the new jefe?’ said a guy wrapped in a huge scarf. I couldn’t tell if it was mocking but I was erring to the instinct that I didn’t like him.
Victor smiled his quick little smile and said, ‘Allie, this is Jonas, your DP.’ Victor turned to another guy with a small hipster’s moustache, ‘And is this your sound designer, Brent. And Sam, she’s the editor.’ Sam looked tired.
And then Victor turned to someone else who I hadn’t spotted at first, she was sat almost in a shadow. She had short dark hair, dark eyes, high cheekbones and strong eyebrows that were perpetually furrowed. She seemed to hide beneath them, looking out at the world from them fearfully. ‘And this is our writer, Cameron.’ Cameron looked at me and tried to smile, but she only seemed to get it about half done before she gave up on it. ‘Hello’ she eventually said.
A few things to note here: Yes, I thought Cameron had something about her from the off. I think it was that in this world of people who seemed very sure of themselves, Cameron seemed without front and I liked that. I could relate to it. Secondly, she was a pretty girl, but the type who doesn’t necessarily know it, which was appealing. I know I’d vowed off women and I’d had my head turned twice in a day but please do not take this to mean I meant to do a thing in either case, if the opportunity arose. I meant what I’d said to Janey. I had other things to focus on.
Still, it was nice to have some eye candy about the place, I’ll cop to that. I might have been celibate but I wasn’t dead.
‘Hi’ I said to Cameron, stepping toward her. ‘So you’ve got a script?’
‘Yep, couple of drafts in’ she said, nervously. I couldn’t think what she had to be nervous about.
‘Can’t wait to read it’ I said, a tad over-enthusiastically. Truth was, I had no idea what they were doing, and I had this notion I was going to hate it, that it would be some turgid drama. From the short films I’d consumed in my time, which had to be in the triple digits, I knew that young filmmakers, people like myself, tended to pull things from their own lives. Unfortunately, a lot of them didn’t have a ton of things to really talk about yet. And I didn’t know Cameron at all. What kind of genre did she favour?
‘Oh’ Cameron exclaimed, still seeming scared. And then I realised, she was scared of me. I couldn’t think why. I’m not really someone that makes people jumpy. ‘Well, I hope you like it.’
‘Hey, Cameron, why don’t you pitch it?’ Victor said. I saw Cameron’s face drop. She wasn’t too keen, to say the least. But Victor had put her on the spot, the poor soul. What could she say, no?
‘Well, it’s a horror movie’ she began and I guess she saw my face split into the largest grin because she paused. ‘Do you like the genre?’
I wanted to jump up and down and do a terrible, unathletic cartwheel but instead I just said, ‘It’s what I came here to ma
ke.’
The tension seemed to go out of Cameron in an instant. ‘That’s... I wasn’t expecting that.’
Seemed like we’d both had some wrong ideas about what to expect today. I was just relieved we were both wrong.
So then she told me the story. It was about a homeless blind girl trapped in an abandoned building, being chased by something she can hear but can’t see. It sounded like a terrifying ride. I couldn’t wait to get started.
After I’d heard the pitch, everyone told me their ideas for how to make the film. How it would look, sound, feel. Everybody clearly had a lot of passion and knowledge about their chosen field and I felt that old twinge of worry, that I wouldn’t be able to keep pace, that I was about to be exposed as a fraud. My instinct was to start talking, pretend I knew exactly what I was doing, that I was already on top of this movie that I’d found out about twenty minutes ago. It might have worked too. I could have bluffed and blustered until it began to make sense. But I don’t know, I’d been having that feeling all day that I was two steps behind and I was sort of bored with trying to pretend otherwise. I came here to achieve something, certainly, but I wanted to have fun too. What was the point otherwise? To prove to a group of strangers that I was in charge?
