by Nikki Mays
She has on an old T-shirt with Danny’s MMA logo on it that’s cut up in the weirdest places. It no longer has actual sleeves, just huge holes where they used to be. On her feet are old as hell chucks in white and red. Of course, not to be out done, she’s wearing a bright pink Nike, also on backwards.
I swear that if I didn’t know for a fact that these two dated and had children together, I would swear that they’re siblings. Any thought that he might’ve been giving me dirty looks that day at Lowe’s because he still wants her is totally gone. It’s amazing that these two have raised two teenage girls together without killing one another.
I wonder if now would be a good time to tell her how adorable she looks? Judging by the scowl that she’s wearing probably not.
“You don’t want to start this war Sage Rosemary. You know that it won’t end well.” Danny states with nothing but swagger. Meanwhile, Sage’s face is getting redder and redder.
Declan spits out whatever the hell he was drinking. “No fucking way! No fucking way did your parents name you Sage Rosemary!” He howls with laughter.
Honestly, it’s taking a lot for me to keep a straight face. Fuck, looking at Damon, I can even see his lips twitch. Rocco and Morris have at least been smart enough to turn around.
Danny gives Declan a victorious grin. “Oh yeah they did.” He looks over at Sage, who I’m pretty sure is plotting his murder. “Apparently, her mom Chloe was going through a huge cooking phase while pregnant with Sage.”
“Damn, that’s rough.” Damon throws out.
Sage looks at him and grimaces. “Actually, mine isn’t even that bad.” We all hear Kayla and the Ross brothers start to chuckle. “I have a sister named Lavender Lotus.”
“Why’s that so bad?” Rocco asks.
Danny, Kayla, Sage and the Ross brothers all have disgusted looks on their faces.
Sage takes a breath and looks like she swallowed a lemon. “Where Mom decided to be a chef while deciding my name. She...well she decided to name my sister after how and where she was conceived.”
Declan looks around. “I don’t really get it.”
Sage gives him a look that says that she would kick him if he was closer to her. “It means that my parents had sex in the lotus position in a lavender field you dimwit!”
She looks over at Damon who just raises his hands up. “Don’t look at me. I tried to convince my parents that they only really needed one of us. They never took my advice though.”
“How the hell was I supposed to guess that your parents were freaks?!” Declan shouts.
“Her name is Lavender Lotus! How else do you think she could’ve gotten that name? What, did Tinkerbell come down and sprinkle some magic fairy dust on my mom while she slept so that she would come up with that name?”
Declan narrows his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “I can definitely see why you and MSG are such good friends. Both of you are way too damn Salty.” He sniffs at them.
He looks over at me with a wicked gleam in his eyes. Oh, hell, this won’t be good. “You really sure you actually want this one?” He asks while tilting his head in Sage’s direction. “You’re finally ridding yourself of a crazy, manipulative, money hungry cheating bitch. You really think that adding a Salty Herb into your life is the best choice right now?”
It literally takes all of us a good two minutes to realize what he just said before we all start laughing. Even Sage has tears streaming down her face. Fuck, I’ll give it to him. He’s good some days.
Kayla’s on the floor and looks like she’s about to piss herself. “Oh my God!” She says throw stuttering breathes. “You really are a Salty Herb! Holy shit Loki, you just became my favorite person in the entire world!”
“Love you too Pixie.” Marc says all put out.
Kay is still trying to get herself under control. Every time she snorts, she gets everyone else going again. “You don’t get it. I have been dealing with this bitch calling me a spastic introvert for years! Years people! Finally...I finally have something to come back at her with!” She finishes her statement with a little fist pump.
“Right. Because this whole scene of you on the ground doesn’t prove my spastic point. I’m not even going to get into how awesomely awkward you were around officer Viking over there when you first met him. Ya know, the second time, without the handcuffs.”
“I wasn’t even that bad.” Kayla huffs. “If anything, Marc was way more awkward than I was.”
“She has a point.” Damon states before stroking the random paint brush that he’s picked up against his leg.
Marc turns his head and glares at him. “Why don’t you just make everyone happy and go back to being a creepy ass mute?” He looks back over at Kayla. “And I was only awkward because Max asked me how babies got into a woman’s stomach and you just sat there doing nothing!”
Sage snorts. “That’s not true, Dee helped you out by telling the kids that putting them in there wasn’t what you were an expert at.”
“I wish that I had walked over to the table with them.” Mellie says glumly.
Morris pats her on the shoulder. “I came back and told you everything.”
She glares up at him. “Yeah, but it’s not the same as getting to witness his humiliation first hand! And I would’ve if you and Damon hadn’t made us stay put.” She pouts.
“For real though, ya’ll are always like this?” Danny asks me. I just nod my head yes in response. “Ain’t none of you ever bored, huh?”
I run my tongue across my teeth. “Bored? No. Wondering if someone is going to end up in a cell? Yes.” I say while looking directly at Kayla who glares back at me.
She points her index finger at me. “Don’t even start! You’ve all met Craig.” She gets a round of grunts. “And don’t even act like a few of you told me that you were sorry for not allowing me to hold his ass under longer!”
We all remain silent because I am pretty sure that at one point or another we all felt bad for making her stop so soon. Hell, I think the whole team felt bad that we had to take her in at all. Although looking at her and Marc now, I’d say it all worked out just fine.
Danny claps his hands together loudly. “Alright fuckers, let’s get this shit put away and go eat. I’m already running late on my eating schedule.”
We all just stand and stare at him. He looks each of us down. “I know damn well that I didn’t stutter. Your asses don’t start moving, and I’ll let my girls come up in here and go into some long boring ass story about organizing shit. I know damn well that no one wants to listen to that shit!”
Everyone groans but gets moving. I’ve unfortunately had the displeasure of listening to something along those lines when they came over for pizza. I’m sure as hell not going through that again!
“Chop, chop assholes! Let’s go!” I yell earning a smirk from Danny.
He raises an eyebrow in my direction. “Already sat through one, huh?”
I just nod and get moving hearing him chuckle darkly behind me.
How the hell can I not have anything to wear? I have a massive walk-in closet! Why is there nothing even remotely cute or sexy in here dammit!
I’m currently rummaging through, okay destroying, my closet in hopes of finding something to wear on my date with JJ tonight. A date that has been rescheduled twice already. Once because of a SWAT call and once because his – thank the heavens above – finally ex-wife is a raving bitch.
It’s twenty minutes before my date is scheduled to arrive and I have nothing to wear. I pull at the ends of my hair as I search through the closet. I see the two nice sweaters I scored for forty dollars from the White House Black Market. But they won’t work.
“Maybe I should just cancel and say that I got a stomach bug or something?” I say to the three individuals staring at me like I’m some weird creature that they’ve never seen before. Two I gave birth to and the other one helped with their conception.
“No way in hell are you cancelling. Do you know how long I�
��ve been waiting for you to find a dude who wasn’t a total fucktard?”
I turn and look in Danny’s direction. “You know, you really should watch what you say in front of the girls.”
He gives me that look that makes me want to put female hormones in his protein shakes. “Why the hell would I do that? I don’t want them dating. But I sure as shit don’t want them going near some useless fuck boy.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose still scrambling for something to wear. “Seriously, how did we raise them to be teenagers?”
“We ask ourselves that daily.” One of the little traitors, mutters. It was too low to tell who it was since their creepy asses sound the same at times.
I give them both the stink eye for good measure. I’m all about being a fair momma.
“Plus, guaranteed that we’ll have better taste in whoever we decide to date, compared to the two of you.” Becca boldly states.
Danny slowly turns his head. “What’s that supposed to mean baby girl?” He has his meaty arms crossed trying to look intimidating. It would work a hell of a lot better if those two nightmares, ahem, I mean sweethearts, didn’t have him wrapped around their fingers.
They do their creepy twin thing, where they stare at each other for a minute, probably having a whole conversation telepathically. Missy looks at me and then her dad and frowns. “Dad, literally one of the “women” you dated couldn’t even remember how to spell her own name.
I snigger remembering that gem and receive a nasty look from Danny in return. “She had just changed it that’s all. It’s tough remembering a new name.” He tries to defend.
“Then, maybe you should stay away from gross strippers. Just a thought.” Becca drawls with a shrug of her shoulders.
He just stares blankly at her. Not like he can really defend himself against that. He looks over at me. “A little help here?”
I give him an incredulous look while still rifling through my closet. “What do you expect me to say? We both know that your taste in women went way downhill after me.”
“I feel sorry for JJ.” My ex states.
I narrow my eyes. “Why’s that?”
“Because he’s probably way too good for your mean, crazy ass. But you’ve somehow already managed to sucker the poor fool in.”
I look around at the idiot and my girls. “Would you be really upset if your daddy had an accident?”
Missy shrugs. “Depends.”
Danny scoffs. “What the hell do you mean, “it depends”?”
“Well, like is Mom actually going to do it properly and get the insurance money or is she going to screw it up.” Missy states a little too calmly.
Becca shakes her head. “No, that’s not the issue. Would JJ be our new dad or would we get stuck with some weird loserish dude that Paige said her mom is marrying for money? Like I’m cool with JJ...not so much with some geek or whatever.”
Danny and I just stare unblinkingly at them. What the actual fuck?
“I feel like we went wrong somewhere.” Danny mumbles to me.
“I feel like you should’ve listened to me when I told you that I was still feeling like crap from my bronchitis and that we shouldn’t have sex.”
“You had already been on antibiotics for days!”
I point to the two evil ones sitting on my bed, who are calmly ignoring the fact that we’re talking about them. “And see where that got us!”
“That’s your damn doctor’s fault! He should’ve told you that those antibiotics would mess with your birth control pill. What sixteen-year-old would fucking know that?!”
“If you two are done arguing about your poor life choices.” Becca drawls. “Mom still needs to get ready for her date so that we can have a badass back up dad.”
“Shit!” I yell and continue throwing clothes all over the place.
Danny leans against the closet door jam. “And we didn’t make poor choices. We just didn’t make totally informed ones.”
“Ever hear of condoms?” Missy deadpans.
Danny gets an evil grin. “Those break. How do you think a man like JJ ended up married to a shrew in the first place?”
The girls purse their lips but thankfully remain silent.
I poke my head out and look at Danny. “How do you know that she’s a shrew?”
He rolls his eyes at me. “When your own kid hates you, there is definitely something not right about you. After spending some time with JJ the other day, the dude seems solid. That only leads me to believe that his ex is whacked.”
“Okay, yeah I guess that makes sense.” I pick up two tops and hold them out to my audience. “Okay guys, which one?”
One is a grey, long sweater that comes off my shoulder. The other is a beige silk corset top type of thing. I normally wouldn’t wear something so bold but let’s face it. JJ is gorgeous and this corset makes my boobs look fantastic.
“The grey sweater.” All three say.
“Why not the corset?” I frown.
“Because we’re trying to get him to want to keep your ass. Not hit and quit it. I know it’s been awhile but damn girl. We’re trying to get you married off finally.”
“Why in the hell are you here again?” I ask the man who is coming closer and closer to having an accident.
“I’m here to spend quality time with the two twin demons who would give me up in a heartbeat.”
“We love you Daddy.” They say in unison, using their sweet little girl voices. I swear that voice is almost creepier than their normal one.
Becca gives him a mischievous look. “But as you say, shit happens. We are just mentally preparing ourselves for your untimely demise caused by you pissing Mom off.”
Completely ignoring our children, he turns his head to me. “I also want to make sure that you don’t chicken out and actually go on this date. It’s been awhile since you’ve actually liked someone and you always manage to fuck it up.”
“I have dated plenty of guys without being the one to screw it up.” I defend.
“No, you’ve dated losers that you couldn’t care less about. The one guy you dated like six years ago, you really liked but screwed it all up. You always think that they’re too good for you and you end it before they can break up with you.”
He holds his hand up when I go to say something. “Don’t, you know I’m right. So, I’m going to be here throughout the whole damn process, letting him know that your ass is crazy...but worth it. He’s just going to have to put up with some of your bullshit, that you’ll most likely try first.”
“Dad’s right Mom. You totally sabotage yourself. I mean seriously, why else would we have helped JJ in the first place? The guy is cool and Paige always gushes about how awesome he is. We figured that we better get in early and help.”
I just stare at the room full of traitors. “Can you all leave so that I can get dressed?”
“No.” Danny replies. “None of us trust you enough not to screw this up by wearing that corset way too soon. Slow and steady is the name of this game.” He shrugs his huge shoulders. “Unless he’s dumb enough to want to take your ass to Vegas and marry you. Then, fuck it, I’ll charter a jet and make sure that we’re all there as soon as humanly possible.”
“It’s unnerving how many times you’ve brought up marrying him in Vegas.”
This jackass raises his eyebrow at me. “It ain’t like you can really wear a white gown anyway. Not when your teenage daughters will be your bridesmaids. I figure Vegas would be a good fit for you.”
“You really don’t care about your own safety what-so-ever, do you?” I growl.
Resisting the urge to slap the annoying smirk off his handsome face is a true test of will power. Especially when he says. “You’re not overly coordinated. I’m pretty sure that I would be able to save myself, easily.”
“How much money do we get if Dad has an “accident”?” Missy questions.
“A few million.” I answer breezily, while smiling at the moron I love to death. Death really bein
g the keyword here.
“Wow, Mom must really love you Dad.” She tells him.
He turns towards her with a frown. “Why do you say that?”
My girls roll their eyes like the wonderful teenagers that they are. “Don’t you watch T.V.?” Becca asks and then shakes her head. “Never mind, I forgot that you don’t really have a life outside of training and “dating” strippers who don’t know their own names.”
Normally I would step in and tell them that they need to chill with the attitude but honestly, they aren’t saying anything that isn’t true.
“Seriously Dad, there are women out there who would kill for a couple of grand. Mom stands to make millions and yet all she ever does is try to help you. You really should be way nicer when she’s nervous about her date.”
My girls can be sweet sometimes. “Especially since we all know that she’s somehow going to sabotage herself.”
“Whatever.” I mumble regretting the thought. “I am literally taking off my clothes and changing right now.” Seriously, can’t a girl get a little peace?
“You act like that nice big closet of yours doesn’t have a door that you can shut.”
I give him a nasty look. “And you wonder where the girls get their attitudes from.”
“I know damn well where they get their attitudes from and I’m staring at her stalling ass.”
Just as I’m about to reply to the jackass the doorbell rings and I just know that my eyes go so wide that it must be comical.
“He’s not supposed to be here for at least twenty minutes!” I screech.
“Ummm, yeah Mom, that was twenty minutes ago. Dad’s right, you’ve been pretty much stalling this whole time.”
“I’ll get the door!” He yells gleefully while already walking down the hall.
“Shit!”
“Language Mother. We’re impressionable young girls after all.” Becca retorts.
“Why don’t you go make sure that your father doesn’t do or say anything embarrassing.” I grit out through clenched teeth.
