by Ronica Black
The release was bittersweet, just like Jude.
“Fuck.” It seemed to be her favorite word lately. Somehow encompassing everything she was feeling when no other word possibly could.
Bethany held her and smoothed her back. She removed her hand from between Mary’s legs slowly and sucked Mary off her fingers. “Spectacular,” she whispered.
The sight stirred Mary, and even though a part of her wanted to kiss her wildly again, a bigger part of her wanted to leave, to escape the dark confines of the cold closet and drive home to snuggle safely in her bed where this mad, crazy, awakening world couldn’t reach her and poke at her insides.
Bethany’s eyes clouded with concern. “You’re not okay are you?”
Mary fastened her pants.
“Please, just tell me.”
“I—there’s nothing to say. This was…fun.”
“Then why do you look like you’re scared shitless?”
Mary reached for the door. “I can’t explain. Not right now.”
“Can I see you? Outside of work?”
“I don’t know.” Tears threatened. “I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
Mary felt horrible. How could she do this to someone else when she knew how badly it hurt? “I’m confused, Bethany. And I think I’m in love with someone else.”
“Then why do this?”
“I don’t know. I’m such a mess.” She held her hand. “Please don’t take this wrong. You are amazing and beautiful. But I’m…lost.”
“Can I call you then? Sometime?”
“You deserve someone far better, Bethany. Someone who has her head on straight and her heart free.”
She turned the doorknob and slipped out, leaving Bethany standing there in the dim light.
Chapter Fifteen
Jude looked gaunt. At least according to Fran she did. Sickly. Like she hadn’t seen the sun in weeks.
“Are you sick?” Fran crossed her long legs and sipped her coffee. Jude had refused one, not in the mood for much of anything.
“No.”
“Depressed?”
Jude shuffled papers and pretended to stare at her computer.
Fran, as usual, honed in on her. “Ah ha. What is it? Life crisis, pet died, heartbreak?”
Jude shot her a look.
“I see.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Whatever.” She looked away and Jude could feel the change in her mood. A few seconds later, she stood.
“What’s wrong?” Jude asked.
“What’s wrong? Oh, nothing.” She fastened her eyes to her. “Look, Jude, I know you’re private and all that jazz. But I consider you a friend. One I can trust. I just wish you thought the same of me.”
Jude exhaled and rubbed her forehead. “Sit. Please.”
Fran hesitated but did. She didn’t bother crossing her legs.
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want an apology, Jude. I want you to tell me what’s going on. Did it ever occur to you that I might actually be able to help?”
Jude couldn’t help but laugh.
“Is that funny?”
“No. Yes.” She waved the comment off. “Fran, to tell you the truth I don’t think you really would want to hear what is going on with me.”
“Try me.”
“You are sure?”
“Jesus, Jude. Come on.”
With a long press of her lips, Jude leaned forward and steepled her fingers. “I don’t know where to begin.”
“Who is she? The one who has you all twisted up.”
“Pardon?”
“Don’t be coy. Tell me. Who is she? And if you say she’s a student I will get up off this chair and slap you silly.”
Jude stared at her in disbelief.
“I know you’re gay, Jude. Get over yourself and tell me.”
“You know?” She’d never said a word to anyone. Never hinted or joked or anything.
“Yes, I know. I also know that the sky is blue and that cactus out there is green. Come on, I’m not stupid.”
“I didn’t realize it was so obvious.”
“No one talks about it if that’s what you’re worried about.” She crossed her legs. “I know simply because of that.”
“What?”
“You stare at my legs when I cross them.”
Jude cleared her throat as if that would somehow help with the rush of sudden embarrassment. But she refused to look away from Fran’s eyes.
“It’s okay. It’s natural. I work hard for these bad girls so I don’t mind.”
Nerves caused Jude to laugh a little. Women never made her nervous, but it seemed lots of things were changing in regard to women lately.
“She is a student,” Jude said softly.
“Jude, no.”
“Not one of mine and not young.”
“Well, thank God.”
“Her name is Mary.”
“Mary. That sounds nice. Is she nice?”
Jude nodded. “Yes.”
“Did you meet her here?”
Her chair squeaked a little as she leaned back, considering how to answer. “Not exactly.” When she didn’t say more, Fran moved on.
“So what’s the problem? You like her, right?”
“Yes, I do. Very much. And that is the problem. I like her too much.”
Fran laughed. “How is that a problem?”
“Because I like my life like it is.”
“You mean your intensely private, predictable, and lonely life? That one?”
A smile came. One that held obvious amusement for Fran. “I am not lonely, Fran. That is, I never used to be. Nor is my life predictable. I have plenty of excitement.”
“Then there’s something you aren’t telling me.”
“Yes, there is.”
“Okaay.”
“I have many…liaisons.”
Fran blinked. “Oh.” She played with her straw, digging through her Frappuccino. “I wasn’t expecting that one.”
“Should I stop?”
“No.” She was quick to answer. “At least one of us is getting some.”
Jude laughed. “And I wasn’t ready for that one.”
They both laughed.
“Seriously, though, I’m glad you’re telling me.”
Jude fell silent for a long moment. It did feel good to bounce this off someone, even if it meant entrusting and giving up a little control.
“So why are you so messed up over this? You like her, but you obviously like your freedom. Just be honest with her and move on.”
“I—I’ve tried. She’s persistent and…” Jude rubbed her lips as she thought about the way Mary tasted. “I don’t want it to stop.”
Fran spoke softer, sensing Jude’s truth. “So don’t stop it then. Date her, be with her. Make it good. You deserve that, Jude.”
“I don’t think I can.” Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat again and stood. The topic was causing some emotion to rise and she didn’t like it.
“Jude? It’s okay. Try to relax.”
“I can’t. This…this is doing something to me.”
“It’s making you feel.”
She stared at her. “What?”
“I think you need to figure out what it is that’s really stopping you from developing something with this woman. I don’t think it’s because you have numerous lovers. I think it’s something more.”
Jude crossed her arms and stared out the window.
“Do you know that in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you like this? Ever, Jude. So whoever she is, she’s reached you. Touched you. And I think that’s probably scaring the hell out of you.”
“You cannot possibly know that.” But it was true. Fran, in all her silent sleuth glory, had hit the nail right on the head.
“I’m not attacking you, Jude.” Fran stood and came to her, setting her drink on the desk. “I’m your friend. I care.” She touched her arm. “Whatever it is, you can t
ell me if you need to.”
“I don’t know,” Jude whispered, her voice giving. It hurt, that horrible burning rushing up through her.
“Come here.” Fran turned her and enveloped her in a tight hug.
Jude didn’t return the hug at first, but when Fran began to stroke her hair and tell her that it was okay, she not only returned the hug, she felt like she might cry. She clung tighter to Fran, trying to force the tears back down.
“I hate feeling like this,” she said. “I hate crying.”
“Sometimes you need to.”
“No.”
“Jude, let it out.”
“I cannot.” But the pain was unbearable. It was burning and cinching up her throat. Her lungs felt full of acid. “It hurts.” She’d never cried in front of another, rarely cried even on her own. She didn’t want to start with Fran.
“Let it out. It needs to come out. You shouldn’t hold pain inside. It eats away at you.”
Jude stepped away. She couldn’t cry in front of her. The shame and lack of strength would haunt her for weeks. “I have to go.” She grabbed her tote and fumbled for her keys. Fran seemed to understand.
“Go home and let it out. You’ll feel better.”
Jude had to force out acid-coated words. “I will try.”
“If you need me, you know where to find me.”
Jude swallowed painfully and nodded. “Thank you.”
She left and headed for her car. Boxing, hiking, lifting the free weights at home, none of it would help. She considered going to Conquest. She hadn’t been in a week. Would conquering woman after woman help? She could do it. Fuck someone’s brains out. But it wouldn’t be the same. She wouldn’t care; she wouldn’t feel anything like she normally did. Her own excitement wouldn’t build, wouldn’t burn, wouldn’t explode.
Only Mary could make her feel the passion she craved. But she didn’t know if she could let someone in. Tears began to build again, and she drove slowly, wondering if Mary was thinking of her. She’d seen her around campus, wearing nicer clothes, walking with a confident, strong gait. She didn’t seem to be missing Jude and she hadn’t come looking for her at the college either. Was it all a part of her new game? Should she call her? Mary would win for sure if she did, and Jude couldn’t handle just being a part of another game. It had crushed her before, scarred her for life. She couldn’t be someone’s toy when she had real feelings for her.
A red light hovered ahead. To head home she needed to get in the right lane. But home wasn’t where she wanted to go. She couldn’t stand another night of grading papers and staring at her parakeet. She dug in her tote for her phone and called Conquest.
It was after five and hopefully Cord would already be there. He answered on the third ring.
“Yeah?”
“Cord.”
“Yeah.”
“Has anyone been asking for me?”
She could hear him breathing and she imagined him hauling ice and beer, readying the bar for the night.
“Lately?”
“Within the last week. Has anyone called or come by asking for me?”
“Like that woman? What’s her name, Mary?”
She hesitated as more control fled like an unraveling ribbon in the wind. “Yes.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, probably as shocked as she was at the admission.
“No. Not since last time.”
No? Nothing? Mary really was serious. She wanted Jude to come to her. “Okay.”
“You gonna come back?”
She turned left and headed away from home. “I don’t know.”
“If she calls, I’ll let you know.”
She hung up, unable to respond. There was no point in going to Conquest. Mary wouldn’t be there. There was only one other option, and since Mary didn’t have class, Jude had a pretty good chance of catching her.
She pulled into a gas station and searched for Mary’s address on her cell phone. It came up right away, and to her relief, it wasn’t far from where she was.
The air in the car grew stifling as she sat and contemplated her next move.
Going to Mary’s was risky, desperate, and it guaranteed nothing. It would only make her look like the seeking lonely fool, and she’d sworn to herself she’d never go back to that. But what else was she going to do? She was a wreck. A hollow, pale wreck, and people had noticed. Everyone but Mary. She seemed to be doing just fine.
Jude rubbed her temples. What if Mary had moved on? The possibility was like a hard slap to her face. Worse than the punch she’d taken from the boxer, which still had her jaw sore.
She trembled as more tears built up inside. Something had to be done. She put the car in drive and sped to Mary’s neighborhood. It didn’t take her long to find her house. It was newer but small with a mauve Spanish tile roof and white stucco walls. A Chevy Aveo was parked in the drive.
Jude grew more nervous as she parked along the side of the street. The nerves drove her crazy, just like the uncontrollable longing and verging tears. She took a deep breath and walked with her head high to the front door. The doorbell was loud and she shoved her hands into her slacks and steeled herself for composure.
Several moments passed and she could’ve taken off. Mary would’ve never known it was her, but she wasn’t a quitter or a hider. She was strong, even if she didn’t feel that way.
The door opened a crack, slowly.
“Jude?” It opened further and showed a well dressed Mary in a lavender mock turtleneck and stylish gray slacks. She still had on makeup and Jude found herself focused on her beautiful rich lips. She was stunning.
“Hello.”
Mary appeared shocked and she seemed to be at a loss for words. “What—I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Forgive me, but I looked up your address.”
“No, it’s fine, it’s fine. Would you like to come in?” She pulled the door open further.
“I will get right to the point. I…I want to see you.”
Mary again seemed overcome with surprise.
“You did say I had to come to you, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Yes, I did.”
“Would you like to see me?”
“I—Jude please come in.” She wrapped her hand around Jude’s and tugged. Jude inhaled at how hot and soft it was. Mary noticed, and after she closed the door she released her. “Are you okay?”
Laughter tumbled out of Jude, but it sounded awkward and forced. Her body continued to shake even after she stopped.
“Jude?” Mary touched her again.
Oh fuck, her resolve was crumbling.
“Don’t,” she said walking away from her. “I cannot have you touching me.”
“Why?”
Jude stood behind the sofa. “Look, I just want to see you.”
Mary hugged herself as if she were cold. “Okay.”
“I came over here to say that. That is all.” It wasn’t all, but she didn’t yet have the strength to express the rest.
“Would you like to sit down? Have a drink maybe?”
“A drink, yes.” She had to calm down. Hearing that Mary wanted to see her was great, but there was so much more racking her insides. And the way Mary was looking at her…Jesus. She had been a fool to think she could handle this. “Wait. No. I had better go.”
Mary crossed to her quickly as she moved back toward the door.
“You don’t have to go.”
“I do.”
“Please don’t.” Mary stepped in front of her and pressed her hands to her shoulders. “Jude,” she said softly. “Please don’t go. Not yet. You just got here and…“ She touched her face and her impossibly hot hands felt like they were penetrating her bones. Mary brushed her thumb over her lip. “What happened? Did you hurt yourself?”
“Yes.” She had hurt herself. She’d stepped in the ring and fought someone she was nowhere near qualified to fight.
“How?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
/> “You got in a fight? At Conquest?” Worry wrinkled her face.
“No. It was stupid. I was trying—”
She breathed deeply again.
“Trying to what?”
“I was trying to forget about you.”
“Oh.” Mary’s eyes sparkled as if they had filled with tiny diamonds.
“It was stupid. It didn’t work.” Jude trembled as she blew out a long breath. “Nothing has worked. And I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“Why not?” Mary’s voice was low and her eyelids heavy with obvious desire. She rubbed her body against Jude’s.
“Because.”
“Because you don’t like admitting such feelings?” She was a breath away and Jude could smell everything about her, from her perfume to her shampoo to the sweetness of her mouth.
“Yes.”
Mary kissed her. Very lightly. Touching her lips softly with delicate, warm presses. “You’re trembling. Do I make you nervous?”
Jude didn’t answer, but instead kissed her back. She tasted as sweet as the scent of her had promised and Jude went deeper, slipping her tongue inside to dance with Mary’s.
“Ah,” Mary said between the long kisses. “I’ve missed you.”
Jude walked her to the couch where she lifted Mary and placed her along the back. “You have?”
“Oh God, yes.”
It was heavenly music to her ears and her body heated instantaneously. She held her and kissed her harder, loving the feel of her slick tongue. “How much?”
Mary laughed. “You really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Here.” Mary took her hand and shoved it down her slacks. Jude felt the heat of her flesh through her panties. “Go inside,” Mary said, helping her slip inside her underwear. “There,” she purred. “You feel that? That’s how much I missed you.”
Jude groaned. Mary was as hot and slick as her tongue was and she grew even more so as Jude stroked her. “Fuck, Mary.”
“Yes,” Mary said.
Jude allowed the desire to overcome her. Mary was ready and waiting, begging for her to continue. It was better than her dreams. And suddenly she couldn’t believe she’d gone this long without inhaling her, touching her, tasting her.
“My mouth must be on you. On all of you. Now.” She tugged up on Mary’s sweater and with her help, she lifted it over her head. They kissed again with hungry tongues and Mary gasped as Jude squeezed her clitoris and went to kiss her neck.
