“It’s okay, Edwards. You’re in love. It happens to the best of us.”
But never to him.
“If I were you I would put a ring on her finger and a baby in her belly as soon as possible.”
Forever? No. Children? A life that was no longer his own? No. No! That was not the life that he wanted. Was it?
He didn’t know anymore. He still needed to figure himself out. He was in love for the first time in his life. So why the hell did he feel like there was a vise grip on his chest?
*
“Can you pass me the ice cream, please?” Cherri asked Ellis.
“Only if you pass me the chips.” Ellis picked up the pint of Chubby Hubby and passed it over as she received a bag of barbeque Popchips.
“Are you sure your boyfriend is going to be okay with us eating this junk-food feast in his bed?” Belinda said as dumped a handful of chips in her lap and reached for the bag of Peanut M&M’s.
Ellis had been a tiny bit lonely without Mike these past two days, so she’d invited the girls over for a pig-out sleepover to help take her mind off missing him.
Your sister wanted to do this with you.
Guilty thoughts bugged her at the most inconvenient times.
She should have invited her sister but she couldn’t. Not here. Ellis still hadn’t gotten up the nerve to tell Dina about Mike, even though things seemed to be getting serious between them. She was letting herself trust him. She finally decided to stop waiting for him to hurt her. It was time to tell her sister.
Tomorrow I’ll stop being a chickenshit.
“We eat in bed all the time,” Ellis said between bites.
“Really?” Cherri raised one of her dark golden brows. “What else do you do in bed?”
“Yeah, Ellis.” Belinda gave her a teasing smile. “How’s Mike in bed? You’ve been very close mouthed about him.”
“You’ve seen him.” Ellis raised her nose, like she was queen of the world. “I don’t think I have to say much about him.”
“He is hot,” Belinda agreed
“You think he’s the one,” Cherri asked.
Ellis didn’t want to answer that question. She had never been in love like this before. But The One? That was a phrase her sister threw around. She didn’t see marriage for them. She didn’t think about it, didn’t want to expect the impossible. They both had been so against it before. She may want it now but she couldn’t expect him to get on bended knee just because she had softened. She couldn’t expect him to tell her he loved her even though she was starting to believe he did. Mike Edwards wasn’t that kind of man.
“We’re not getting married,” she said, trying to shrug off the heaviness that covered her heart. “Hey, did you guys see Housewives this week? That Teresa needs to take a pill.”
“You’re right, she does.” Belinda frowned. “Now let’s get back to Mike. Are you in love with him?”
“You’ve seen him,” she sighed. “What do you think?”
“Have you told him?” Cherri poked her in the arm, her face alight with excitement.
“Of course not! He would know then.”
“Wait?” Cherri frowned. “You don’t want him to know?”
“Oh sweet, innocent Cherri,” Belinda started. “You never tell a man like Mike that you love him first.”
“Why not?”
“It’s simple.” Belinda told her. “He’ll freak out.”
*
The phone rang just after eight PM Sunday night. Ellis reached for it, hoping it was Mike again. She had spoken to him earlier that day when the game was just ending. She could hear the roar of the exiting crowd in the background, and despite the noise she could hear something in his voice that wasn’t right. She hoped it was exhaustion or strain from screaming for his team but something inside her told her it wasn’t that. He sounded like he was holding back something. They had joked about women hitting on him. She had laughed then, but the comment jarred her slightly. He was a good guy. She needed to trust him. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her and it was nothing. Or maybe he really was just tired. She needed to hear from him again to confirm.
“Hello?” she said cheerfully.
“Well, don’t you sound excited for a Sunday evening.”
It wasn’t Mike. Her stomach and her heart sank a little. “I’m the best telephone answerer in the tricounty area,” she said, trying to keep the brightness in her voice. The speaker on the other end was female and Ellis was afraid to find out who she was. “Mike is not here right now. I am taking his messages.”
“Hello, Ellis,” the voice on the other end said. “I am Michael’s mother. I hear you’re his girlfriend.”
“Yes,” she swallowed. Damn. “If he told you about us then it must be true.”
“He did. What he didn’t tell me is that he wasn’t going to be home this Sunday. Where is my child tonight?”
“Pittsburgh. With Colin.” Ellis bit down on her lower lip. He hadn’t told her. That seemed right. He was upset with her about his father. Ellis wished Mrs. Edwards hadn’t called. It was hard enough to speak with a boyfriend’s mother. It was much harder when said boyfriend was holding a grudge. “Oh, I thought he mentioned Colin was taking him for his birthday.”
“Ah,” she said softly. “Colin did mention it a few weeks ago. I thought Mike would have told me. He always lets me know when he is going to be away for my calls. I think my son might be angry with me.”
“Um-uh, what’s makes you say that?” Ellis’s voice grew unnaturally high.
“His father called and told me about their last meeting.”
Shit.
“Please don’t talk to me about this,” Ellis said in a rush. “I don’t even know you. I really can’t get involved in this heavy family stuff. It gives me angina.”
“Okay, honey.” Margie chuckled. “I won’t. Mike did say you were adorable.”
“He said that?” She wrinkled her nose. “Adorable? It kind of makes me sound like a puppy. Don’t you think?”
“Colin said you looked like a young Sophia Loren.”
“Oh, Colin.” She sighed. “Such a big stinking liar, but I’m beginning to think I should dump your son for him.”
“That is one hell of a compliment, but I knew if my son was dating you then you had to be beautiful.”
“I’m also a little fat and not that annoying skinny-girl-who-thinks-she’s-fat, fat. But the I’ve-got-a-teen-in-my-size kind of fat. Did he tell you that? I’m the first chubster he’s dated.” She smiled. “He’s so sweet about it. He gets mad at me when I call myself fat. But I’m not putting myself down. I like the way I look. I’m simply stating facts. Like the sky is blue. I have a big ass. Grass is green and Ellis likes cupcakes.” She sighed. “And here I am rambling to my boyfriend’s mom, like an idiot. I wish you would have stopped me.”
“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.” She was quiet for a moment. “He needs to be loved, Ellis. Can you do that?”
The question, phrased like that, shook her. She didn’t know how to answer except to tell the truth. “I love him,” she said aloud for the first time. “Very much, but please don’t tell him that.”
“I won’t. Now tell me a little about yourself.”
They ended up talking for two hours. By the end of their conversation Ellis had a new respect for Margie Edwards.
*
Mike crawled into bed with Ellis after two AM. They hadn’t planned to leave Pittsburgh until morning but Mike asked Colin if wouldn’t mind getting back a little early. The game had been fun, the seats incredible, the hotel nice, but he couldn’t let himself fully enjoy his weekend. His mind wandered to Ellis. He was in love with her and he didn’t want to be.
When Mike crawled into bed with her his heart stopped its irregular beating. His breathing slowed, and for the first time in two days he felt normal. It was the scariest feeling in the world.
“My boyfriend’s back,” she said sleepily. “That or there’s a burglar who smells real
ly yummy.” She placed her hand on his scruffy cheek. “I’ll take either one at this point.”
“Hello, Ellie. I missed you.”
“You had better say that.” She slid closer, looping her arms around him. “The next thing you should say is that you bought me a present.”
He swallowed hard, the panicky feeling surging. “I did.” He kissed her. She tasted like sleepy warmth, like home.
She broke away after a moment, her eyes straining to see him in the dark. “What’s wrong?”
He was silent, while his mind screamed: I don’t want to love you this much. I’m not sure I can handle it.
“I want to make love to you now.” He kissed her forehead, her eyelids, the tip of her nose. “Can I?”
“Of course,” she whispered.
He covered her body with his, all the while wondering how he was going to put a stop to this intense love feeling.
Chapter Twenty-three
Everybody Loves a Happily Ever After …
It’s the reason we love romance novels. We read those lovely little epilogues and usually find the hero and heroine married with a couple of kids or a baby on the way and everybody is happy. Of course real life isn’t so neat but it still got me wondering about real Happily Ever Afters. I believe that people do achieve them. But are Happily Ever Afters the same for everybody?
Ellis watched Mike enter her office and for the first time since they had met her heart didn’t leap with excitement upon seeing him. It had been five days since she’d laid eyes on him. There had been some communication, phones calls on the first day, texts on the second, but silence from then on. That wasn’t like him.
Ellis had known something was wrong the day he came back and nothing felt right or good or the same. They celebrated his birthday Monday by going to a nice restaurant in town. He said very little during dinner while she went on and on rambling about whatever topic came to mind. It was the first time they shared no smiles, no easy conversation. It reminded her of her last few months with Jack. She hated herself for the comparison but that’s what it felt like.
When she asked him what was wrong he claimed he was tired. When she tried to leave him alone to rest he pulled her into bed and took her body but there was no love in their lovemaking.
The day he left for Pittsburgh she’d felt so hopeful, so in love. She was learning to trust him, to let her guard down. For once she was allowing herself to see him in her future.
It was the biggest mistake of her life.
“Hey,” he said softly.
*
“Hey,” she responded.
She wouldn’t look at him and Mike knew he was in trouble. He knew he had hurt her with his silence, with his absence, but he needed the time away from her to think. He needed to decide what he was going to do with the rest of his life. Now he knew. He wanted to spend it with her.
It took five days of torture. Five days of misery, of being solely in his head before he understood what love was.
Life sucks without her, asshole.
Now he had to return to her, his tail tucked between his legs, and beg her forgiveness. She was seated on the couch in her office, wearing the tight red sweater that made his heart leap into his throat every time he saw her in it. Her hand moved rapidly as she expertly stitched a delicate piece of white fabric. He watched her for a moment, waiting for her to say something, anything. It would be so much easier for him if she spoke first. He had no idea how to apologize, how to tell her he loved her, no clue how to explain why he needed time away from her to think.
Her smooth plump lips stayed tightly shut. It wasn’t going to be easy for him to take the cowardly way out.
“Ellis.” He got down on his knees, pulled the fabric out of her hand, and placed his face in her lap. She was warm and soft. She felt good. She felt like home. He waited for her to run her fingers through his overlong hair.
They stayed folded in her lap.
“Did you cheat on me, Mike?”
The question hit him like ice water.
“What?” His stomach flipped, then plummeted. Other women simply didn’t exist when she was around. “No, baby. I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
“It’s over, Mike.” Her words came out as a choked whisper. “I can’t do this with you anymore.”
“No.” He gripped her hands. She still wouldn’t look at his face. “I didn’t cheat. I just needed a little space to think. I’m not good at this, you know. I freaked out. I wanted to make sure I knew what the right thing was.”
“This is the second time you’ve done this. Things get real and you disappear. You got mad at me for not trusting you enough to share my life with you. Why is it okay for you to do it to me?”
“It’s not and I’m sorry but you don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand? Damn it, Mike! Of course I understand. You can’t handle this—us. I knew this was going to blow up in my face. You asked me to trust you, to let you in, and just when I did, just when I thought that we might have something good, you screw me over. I was right about you.”
“You don’t know anything, Ellis.” He stood, looming over her. “You’re the one who was dead set on ending things. You doomed us before we even started. You were the one who kept me at arm’s length. How the hell I am supposed to compete with that? I walked away for five damn days. You were never there to begin with.” He pointed an accusing finger at her. “You’ve been looking for a way out for weeks.”
“Don’t you dare turn this around on me.” She rose from her seat, poking him hard in the chest. “I was trying. And even when I was unsure about us I never not saw you. I never hid myself away.”
“No, you just did everything else to keep me at a distance,” he shouted. “You kept expecting me to treat you like he did. I’m not your fucking ex.”
“No? We were fine until you went away. What happened last weekend?”
“Nothing! I didn’t cheat on you.”
“Maybe not this time, but I know you. There’s a reason why you never had a girlfriend. There’s a reason you’ve gone through so many women. And no matter how much I care about you, I have to put me first. This is the first time in my life where I’m in control and I can’t—I won’t give you the power to make me feel like shit.”
A sharp bullet of realization dawned on him. “You’re never going to get over this, are you? You’re never going to be able to trust me.”
“I tried and look where it got us.”
“It was five days, Ellis. I didn’t see you for five days.”
“No, Mike it was more than five days. It was ever since you went away to Pittsburgh. One moment you were with me.” She touched her heart. “Here. And the next moment you were miles away.”
“I told you I needed to think.”
“Well, I need to think about me, too, and I’m at the point in my life where I don’t have the time or energy to waste on being unhappy.”
“Fine.” He felt heartsick and soul sick and sick to his stomach all in the same moment. “I’m done fighting with you. I guess this is good-bye.”
*
Ellis stood at her parents’ door for a long time. She didn’t have the energy to raise her hand to ring the bell. It was all spent trying to keep the tears at bay. She escaped her shop after Mike left. When Cherri gave her a curious look Ellis claimed a stomachache and flew out the door. There was only one person who could make her feel less wretched than she already did. One person who would put things in perspective and stroke her hair and make bad things seem not so bad.
Sometimes a girl just needed her mother.
Ellis wondered if she’d made the right decision breaking up with Mike. Was it worth the horrible heartache? She loved him more than she thought was possible. But what was love without trust? She didn’t trust him and it wasn’t fair to him to have to live with that.
Despite her best efforts she had started to dream of a life with him. A marriage. A forever. How stupid.
“Ellis?” Her father flun
g the door open, his expression worried. She gave him a wobbly smile. He had pumpkins on his tie and gray sweatpants that clashed horribly with his neatly combed salt-and-pepper hair and starched white shirt. “You took six minutes to knock.”
“Hi, Daddy.” She stepped inside. “I came to see Mom. Is she here?”
“She went jogging at five oh five.” He shook his head. “She usually runs anywhere from forty-five to sixty minutes.” He lightly touched her back, leading her to the couch. “Your eyes are glossy. You are upset. Yes?” He studied her face. “What has displeased you?”
She wasn’t sure what about his robotic words brought on the tears, but they started. Not elegantly, not quietly, but big loud sobs. Her father looked at her, his expression horrified.
“No. No. No. No. No. Oh, Ellis please do not cry.”
She wanted to stop but she couldn’t help it. She buried her face in his shirt, seeking comfort she knew he wasn’t capable of giving. “I broke up with Mike.”
He patted her head awkwardly as he tried to make sense of her words. “Has he done something to displease you?”
“Yes—no.” She wasn’t sure anymore. “I’m sorry.” She tried to compose herself. She hadn’t meant to break down. When she’d made the decision to end things yesterday she didn’t expect to feel so shitty. She knew going in that things weren’t going to last. Why was she crying now? “I messed up your shirt.”
“It can be cleaned.” The look of horror was still present on his face. “Tell me what happened. Michael told me he was committed to you. Your mother likes him very much. I thought he was much better than the last boyfriend.”
“He was. Oh, Daddy. It’s fine. I’m okay.” She wiped her still-leaking eyes. “I’m just hormonal.” She lightly kissed his cheek, understanding that receiving affection was difficult for her father. “Thank you for letting me cry all over you. Is there any chocolate?”
“I always have some here for you. It’s in the kitchen, in the cabinet over the sink.” He patted her head again. “Would you like to stay for dinner? Your mother took tofu out.” He frowned. “We could get deli. You like roast beef with pepper jack cheese and horseradish.”
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