"What the fuck?" he snarled as he flung the door open, then paused abruptly as he saw me. His angry expression turned immediately to concern. "Are you alright, brother?"
"No," I blurted out as I pushed passed him into the condo. "Not even close." I hurried up the stairs with Jensen right on my heels.
"What happened?" he asked as I reached the top and turned left down the hall toward his living room. There was some slow soothing blues playing in the background as I walked in and started pacing back and forth. "David," Jensen said as he stopped just inside the room. "What the fuck is going on?"
"Paige was waiting for me outside the hospital when I got off work," I said as I rubbed at my neck, trying to relieve some of the tension tightening the muscles there. My eyes felt hot and stung with unshed tears. I fought them, suddenly not wanting to look weak in front of Jensen even though I knew it was ridiculous. I knew he wouldn't judge me for it. He had cried in front of me many times during of our therapy sessions. It shouldn't bother me, yet it did. I was such a hypocrite.
"What the fuck does she want from you?" he asked in annoyance as he moved further into the room. I told Sydney the other day that Paige had been trying to contact me. She must have told Jensen, like I figured she would. They shared everything with each other.
"Hell if I know," I answered as I continued pacing. "I walk out of the damn door, and there she fucking stands."
"Did you ask her?" Jensen asked.
"Ask her what?" I growled out.
"Did you ask her why she keeps bothering you, you idiot?" He gave me a look that said I was being dense.
"Fuck no," I blurted out in irritation as I paused and looked at him in disbelief. "I got the hell out of there," I said condescendingly. Jensen ran a hand through his hair as he stared back at me with a pensive expression. He looked uncertain, and I knew instantly that I wasn't going to like what he had to say next.
"Maybe you should talk to her and find out what she wants."
"Are you fucking insane?!" The harsh words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I'm not talking to that bitch!"
Jensen's face hardened in anger. I was acting like a dick, and I knew it. I stopped pacing and rubbed at my beard, irritated with myself.
"I'm sorry. I'm so out of sorts right now, that I don't know what the hell I'm saying or doing." I went to the couch and sat down, cradling my face in my hands. A few tears finally managed to start leaking out despite my efforts to hold them at bay. "I can't do it, Jensen." I shook my head violently as I looked up with a pained expression to see him approaching me. "I see her and all I feel is pain and this unbelievable rage. I can't let her hurt me again. I just...can't."
He sat down next to me and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "David, do you remember all those things you told me about avoidance? That running away won't solve anything." His voice was even and calm. He was a good friend. He had already forgotten about my nasty outburst.
I took a deep shuddering breath. "I know I'm a damn hypocrite. I know it," I said adamantly. "But...I still can't talk to her. I won't do it."
"How are you going to get passed this if you keep avoiding it?"
I hung my head and closed my eyes. "I don't know." My voice came out small and tired. "It's turning me into an asshole. I bit Natalie's head off earlier this week when she suggested the same thing, and she refused to talk to me until the next day. Then I patronized her about it like a complete dick right after we made up." I shook my head in disbelief. "I'm surprised that she didn't slap me. I would have deserved it."
Jensen let out a deep sigh. "I don't know what to tell you, brother. Any advice I could give, I got from you. I don't want to piss you off some more, but you saw what avoidance did to me."
I knew he was right. I knew everybody was right. Even so, the very thought of having a conversation with Paige filled me with pain and dread. The last two times I had talked to her had altered the very core of my identity, had scarred me deeply, and I was terrified that she would do it to me again. I didn't think my heart could survive it. This conversation was pointless. It wasn't going to change anything, and I wondered why I had even bothered coming here.
I shoved everything deep inside me, stuffing it down so that I could pretend everything was fine, that I was fine. If it didn't fool anyone else, who cared as long as I could keep fooling myself. It was my only viable option.
"I have to go," I blurted out as I surged to my feet, schooling my face into a blank mask. "Natalie is coming over, and I need to buy some groceries for dinner."
Jensen's brow furrowed at my sudden change of mood. "Alright..." he said in a slow exasperated tone. He followed me from the room and down the stairs to the front door. He even came outside and trailed me to my car.
"I'll see you later," I said as I opened my door. I didn't look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me.
"Later, brother," he mumbled irritably. Good for me, I was acting like a dick again. At this rate, I'd be friendless in a matter of weeks. "Are you still bringing Natalie to see me play tomorrow night?" he asked in a more even tone. At least, he wasn't as angry as Natalie had been.
"Yeah," I muttered as I met his gaze. He looked more worried then angry. "We're planning on it."
He nodded. "See you then."
I closed the door and drove away, riddled with guilt and feeling just as lost as I did when I got here.
*********
On Saturday night, I was lying on the couch waiting for Natalie to get ready to go out. George lie sprawled across my chest, staring at me with happy half-lidded eyes. His heavy warm weight was comforting and reassuring, and he was purring so loudly that I had to turn up the volume to hear the TV. I'd probably regret the fur all over my shirt, but I had really missed him since last weekend, and he seemed to feel the same way. He had been stuck to me like glue since Natalie carried him in yesterday evening. He slept almost the entire night on top of my comforter, his huge frame pressed against my hip. Having both Natalie and George in my bed with me had filled me with a contentment I hadn't felt in a long time. It made me wish they were both here every night.
Last night, was the first decent night of sleep that I had all week. Natalie hadn't spent the night since last weekend. She had a hectic workweek scheduled, and she said that she needed to get plenty of sleep. She had a point when you considered how little actual sleep took place when we were in bed together. I didn't tell her that I slept better when she was with me. I didn't want to make her feel bad or make her feel pressured into spending more nights with me. I felt like our relationship was tenuous right now, and I didn't want to freak her out or hurt her again.
I also didn't tell her about Paige's visit at work yesterday. I had every intention of telling her when I saw her headlights pull into my driveway, but as soon as I saw her gorgeous smile when I opened the door, I couldn't tell her. I didn't want to talk about it for fear that I'd say something stupid again and ruin our night. In hind sight, not telling her was stupid itself, and now I was afraid she'd be angry that I kept it to myself this long. I needed to tell her before we went out tonight, but working up the courage was proving difficult.
"I've got to tell her, George. Don't I?" I asked the cat quietly as I stroked his big furry head. He chirped in agreement. I sighed and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Might as well get it over with," I mumbled under my breath. Talking about it was seriously going to threaten my denial, but there was no help for it. I didn't want to keep secrets from her. That was one thing I taught Jensen that I actually intended to follow myself.
I sat up and set George on the couch cushion before standing up. I headed to the bathroom. I found Natalie standing in front of the mirror in her red silk robe, putting eyeliner around her left eye. She was concentrating so intently that I waited until she pulled the pencil away from her eye before saying her name quietly. I didn't want to startle her into poking herself in the eye.
"I'm almost done," she said with a wry smile. "You can't rush perfection, my lo
ve."
I managed to give her a wan smile that suddenly made her look concerned.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she set the eye pencil down and approached me. She cradled my face in her hands. "Why do you look so sad?"
"Something happened yesterday that I was afraid to tell you about."
"Did Paige call you again?" she asked with a worried expression.
I shook my head. "No, she was outside the hospital waiting for me after work yesterday." Her face turned hard and angry. I hoped she was pissed off about Paige and not my omission.
"What did you do?" she asked in annoyance, but she grabbed my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. I practically breathed out a sigh of relief. She wasn't angry at me.
"I took off in my car to get away from her," I told her quietly. She pursed her lips, and I saw a flash of disappointment in her eyes. A sudden wave of shame hit me. Did she think that I was a coward? I know that I did, but that didn't bother me even half as much as it would if she thought that of me. "I'm sorry." I stared down at the floor between us.
She touched my chin, and I looked back up at her. Her eyes were soft and filled affection. "Don't be sorry. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it last night. It's okay."
That wasn't what I was apologizing for, but I went with it since I was sorry for that too. I took her in my arms and held her. I needed the comfort. I didn't felt right inside since I saw Paige yesterday, and my ability to stay in denial about my emotional turmoil was fading away fast tonight. She hugged me back and didn't say anything else for several long moments.
"By the time I got home, and you came over; I just wanted to forget it even happened," I finally said into her hair. We spent most of the evening in bed, and I let myself get lost in the way our bodies fit together, instead of dwelling on my messed up head.
"You should have called me when it happened," she leaned back and met my eyes.
"I didn't want to bother you at work, so I went and talked to Jensen."
"Did that help?"
"Not really, sweetheart," I admitted reluctantly. "But seeing you last night did and having you here right now does."
"Well, let's go out and forget about it for a while, alright?" She pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "I'll be done in a few minutes, and we can go. I'll even drive if you want to drink. I'm still not in the mood since the last time when you had to come and get me."
"I don't know..." I said as a genuine smile slid across my lips. "You say a lot of interesting things when you're drunk." When I drove her home intoxicated a few weeks ago she had gone into great detail about certain parts of my anatomy, my skills in bed, and how much she loved both. I watched a rosy blush creep across her cheeks. A heartfelt laugh burst out of me and it felt good. Now I wished that I had told her last night.
"Get out of here," she growled as she pushed me toward the door, her eyes sparkling with affection. I gave her a quick kiss and cleared out so she could finish. I felt a little better now that I had told her, but nothing had really changed. I was sure that Paige wasn't done yet. She had looked desperate to talk to me, and she could be very determined if she needed to be. I just hoped that my sanity survived until she gave up.
Fifteen minutes later, Natalie emerged dressed and ready to go. She looked beautiful in a red over-sized v-neck sweater that bared her gorgeous collarbones. She paired the sweater with skinny jeans and tan knee-high boots. She had pulled her thick light brown hair into a high ponytail that showed off her slender neck. She looked absolutely incredible, and I couldn't wait to get home later and sink my teeth into the soft skin where her neck met her shoulders.
Twenty minutes later, we were walking up to the entrance of the bar. The place was even more packed then the last time I had seen Jensen play here the day I met Natalie. I guess the word was getting out, and I was happy for Jensen. He needed this outlet to help him heal.
Luckily, Syd arrived early and saved us seats at her table. We sat down next to her, and I tried to ignore the pointed look on Sydney's face as she eyed me. She obviously heard about my abrupt departure from her condo yesterday. I was sure I'd hear about it before the end of the night.
I looked across the table to see Andy and Lydia smiling at Natalie and me. Andy managed to eye my girlfriend then waggle his eyebrows knowingly at me, as Lydia introduced herself to Natalie. I rolled my eyes and earned a smirk from him. He introduced himself to Natalie, and I was glad he didn't say anything to embarrass me in front of her.
Andy and Lydia looked great, both sporting a tan from their honeymoon in Jamaica. I'd never seen either of them looking happier. It made me feel bad about taking off during their reception. I didn't even talk to them that day. I was too busy acting like an idiot when I ran out and left Natalie there.
The three girls were quickly engrossed in their own conversation about Jamaica. Andy caught my eye and leaned closer to me across the table. "I'm assuming that my advice worked out for you." He was smiling smugly at me. The night before his wedding, he had encouraged me to tell Natalie how I felt about her. I left his bachelor party early to go talk to her, but I had clammed up and chickened out that night. The only thing that had saved my relationship with Natalie had been her stubbornness and my sister's common sense. I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth, so I nodded in agreement to spare his ego.
Luckily, I was saved from Andy's curiosity by Jensen's deep voice as he introduced the band and immediately started their first set. I turned my head and watched Natalie's reaction as the song started. She was mesmerized by the performance. I couldn't blame her. Jensen was an amazing singer and guitar player, and his charisma on stage was undeniable.
The waitress finally made it over to take our drink orders, and I asked for a beer and a soda for Natalie. She smiled gratefully and took my hand under the table. I returned the smile and had to fight the urge to place her hand on my cock and show her how much I appreciated her. I was staring distractedly at Natalie's bare neck when I felt Syd touch my arm.
"I need to talk to you later," she said sternly. I glance over to see her looking at me pointedly.
"Sure," I agreed, but with every intention of avoiding it if I could. Sydney was still a little miffed with me after the way I acted at the wedding and the fight we had the week before. What happened with her husband yesterday wasn't going to help, but I wasn't in the mood for her to lay into me again. She would just tell me the same thing everybody else was saying, and I didn't want to hear, that I needed to talk to Paige. I was happy that at least Natalie had let it go.
After the first set and several beers later, I excused myself from the table to use the restroom. I finished and emerged into the hallway to find that Syd had ambushed me. It was just the opportunity that she needed. She stood there with her arms crossed, blocking the way back out to the bar. She leveled a glare up at me as I stopped in front of her.
"What do you want from me, Syd?" I asked in an annoyed tone that I hadn't planned on using, but somehow managed to slip out anyway. I decided to blame the alcohol.
"That's a nice way to talk to your best friend who's worried about you," she answered in a tone heavy with sarcasm. "Jensen told me what happened yesterday."
"Yeah, so?" I crossed my arms defensively before I even realized I was doing it.
"Why are you acting like this?" She looked hurt, but I ignored it.
"Acting like what?" I grumbled.
"Like an asshole," she clarified as her irritation quickly morphed into actual anger.
"You're the one who ambushed me here. I'm not allowed to get defensive?"
She closed her eyes with a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. When her eyes met mine again, she just looked sad and worried. It made me feel bad about my behavior. "I don't want to fight with you again, David, but I'm really worried about you." Her tone was calmer now.
"I'm fine," I said automatically, knowing it was utter bullshit. "I don't want to talk about this."
"You never want to talk about anything that's wro
ng with you," she continued in exasperation. "That's the problem. How long do you think you can keep avoiding Paige and everything she did to you? How long before everything blows up in your face?"
"Let me guess," I snarled. "You want me to talk to her too, don't you?"
"Don't you want closure, David? Don't you want to heal? It's like you want to suffer." Her voice came out soft and filled with concern, not the anger that I wanted to incite until she stormed off and left me alone. Guilt flooded me, and my annoyance turned to shame. I turned and leaned against the nearby wall. Sydney watched me expectantly.
"I'm sorry, Syd," I said as I stared at the blank wall in front of me. "I can't do it. Seeing her feels like a knife stabbing into me. If I talk to her, she'll destroy me all over again. I'm begging you to leave this alone. I need to deal with this the only way that I can to protect myself."
"You're a hypocrite," she said with a sigh of resignation.
"I know."
"And a coward."
"I'm well aware of that," I agreed softly.
"It's not going to work, you know." I could feel her staring at me, waiting for a reply, but I had nothing to give her. Whether it worked or not didn't matter. It wasn't going to change anything, so I didn't say a word. After watching me for a while, she finally gave up. "We'd better get back before the next set starts," Syd said, and I could hear the disappointment in her tone. Great, now I was letting down everyone I cared about. I felt entirely too much guilt to enjoy my empty victory. Sydney walked away without another word, leaving me alone and wondering how my life had gotten so completely out of my control. Would I ever get it back? Somehow I doubted it.
*********
You Are My Love: Breathless Book 2 Page 9
