We sprang to attention like buck privates in an old war movie. Out from behind us marched the same sheep-headed man who greeted me at the front gate.
"Fall in!" hollered the sheep.
We all looked at each other, not sure what we were supposed to do.
"A straight line, you idiots!" he snapped, like the ornery drill sergeant he really was.
We jumped into formation and stood shoulder-to-shoulder—elbow-to-shoulder in Jake’s case.
The sheep paraded back and forth in front of us; head up, chest out, his hands clasped behind his back. He eyeballed each of us intensely.
"Alright, recruits," snarled Sergeant Sheep. "Listen up! You all know why you’re here. You lack discipline, have no sense of decency, and behave like animals. It is my job to see that you learn to act like human beings, and you will remain here until I declare you no longer a burden to society."
Jake raised his hand. "I thought this was only for the weekend."
The sergeant marched up to Jake and slapped the cigarette out of his mouth. "You have been sadly misinformed, mister!" said the sheep, his hat butting against Jake’s forehead. "What’s your name, runt?"
"Jake, sir," said Jake, saluting timidly.
"You’re the one who likes to abuse his First Amendment rights with his big mouth. And you abused the Second Amendment when you pulled that handgun out at that peace rally."
"I was just blowin’ off steam, man."
"Don’t mouth off to me, boy! That was no place for a firearm. Lucky that thing wasn’t loaded like your mouth is."
Devin let out a chuckle. The sergeant moved over to face him. "You think this is funny, slimeball?" he shouted, saliva spraying from his lips.
"N-no, sir," said Devin.
"What you did was no laughing matter. You could have so easily helped that sweet girl’s family keep their home. Instead, you broke her heart, then watched their house get foreclosed with your eye on the bottom line. You’re about as heartwarming as a frozen asset."
The sergeant stepped in front of Lydia. "And this one’s no better," he said. "She uses her sex appeal to get what she wants. But her beauty hides a dark secret; a secret that was about to be exposed by that poor boy you shoved down the stairs."
I knew immediately the boy he was referring to was Hubert. So, he didn’t just trip down those stairs. Whatever secret Hubert had uncovered about Lydia must have been pretty damaging. I wanted to get home and find out what it was.
I raised my hand. "Excuse me please, sir," I said respectfully. "May I have a word?"
The sergeant’s head whipped in my direction. Then a smile crossed his lips as he casually strolled over to me. "Of course, my dear," he said softly. "By all means."
I took a step forward. "Well, sir," I whispered, "to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I belong here."
"I’m so sorry to hear that," said the sergeant politely.
"You see, I understand why those others are here. They’ve got issues—serious issues. They’re the real boneheads."
"You don’t say." The sergeant’s pleasantness was fading quickly.
"Oh, yes sir," I said. "Believe me, I know all about boneheads. I’ve got a whole houseful of ‘em back home."
The sergeant’s face turned beet-red. He inhaled deeply, and I knew I was next to receive his wrath.
"Get back in line!" he screamed. "So, you make the rules. It’s your way or no way. Live and let live, so long as it’s on your terms."
I inched back into line and hung my head—but not in shame. I was pissed. It was bad enough having to take that kind of verbal abuse at home, now I had to hear it from a freaky farm animal.
Sergeant Sheep stepped back and faced the entire group. "Alright, you social rejects. Get this through your bony heads: I own you! You will obey my every command. Disorderly conduct will be subject to disciplinary action. And there will be no deserters in my camp. Is that clear?"
"Sir, yes sir!"
Chapter 4
Crossroads
The instructions were simple: swing from the rope, balance on the beam, run through the tires. Failing any of those tasks, however, had consequences: lose your grip and fall in the mud; lose your balance and fall in the ditch; lose your focus and fall on your face. Other hurdles dotted the military-style obstacle course. It didn’t look all that difficult to me. Mentally, I was up to the challenge. Physically, well, I wished I’d been more athletic in school. Taking track and field might have better prepared me for the final obstacle: scaling an eight-foot wall.
I suggested to Lydia that we at least be on speaking terms. Being the only females in the camp, looking out for each other seemed like a wise thing to do. She agreed.
Lydia had gotten better acquainted with Devin and Jake, and as I expected, she was particularly found of Devin—and his fat wallet.
The boys looked over the course while Lydia and I waited at the starting line. "Devin’s loaded, isn’t he?" Lydia asked me.
"It would seem so," I said. "I had a feeling you’d like him."
"He’s kinda cute, too. Don’t you think?"
"Cuter than Andy?"
"Get real! Andy’s about as cute as a Sherman tank. Besides, I’ll take money over muscle any day."
Devin and Jake joined us, and we all parked our toes behind the chalk line in the dirt. Sergeant Sheep stood off to one side holding a starting pistol. "Alright, cadets," he said. "You all know your objective. Complete this course and you’ll be one step closer to being discharged."
The sheep aimed his pistol in the air.
We leaned forward.
Bang!
Devin was the first one out front, followed by Jake, then Lydia. I fell into last place almost immediately.
Even though no trophies would be awarded for finishing first, there was no way I was going to lose to Lydia. My chance came to pass her when she tripped while running through the tires. A minute later, I was bringing up the rear again after bumbling my way across the balance beam.
Devin and Jake were still leading the pack, running neck-and-neck and being far more aggressive. Jake would bump into Devin on the straightaways, while Devin used his long legs to trip up Jake on the turns.
With only one rope to swing on, traffic backed up at the mud hole obstacle. Awaiting your turn presented the perfect opportunity to push one of your rivals into the mud. I was above such unsportsmanlike behavior. Lydia was not. She gave me a shove just as I reached for the rope. But to Lydia’s dismay, her push gave me the extra boost I needed to clear the mud pit.
Only one obstacle remained: the eight-foot wall. Devin leaped into the air, stretched out his long arms and pulled himself up to the top. He sat there for a moment, beating his chest like Tarzan, before dropping down the other side.
Knowing Devin, I expected him to show off his superiority for having finished first, but he didn’t come out from behind the wall. I feared he might have made too hard of a landing and injured himself.
It was Jake’s turn. For someone who probably failed the height requirement on theme park rides, I was impressed how easily he scrambled up and over the wall. I waited for Jake to come back around with Devin, but he, too, was a no-show.
It was the same with Lydia. Once over the top, each of them seemed to simply disappear. There was no way they could have run off without me seeing them. Maybe they were just resting in the shade of the wall, or more likely, they were waiting for me to arrive to spring some mean trick on me.
The wall now beckoned me. I jumped up with all I had left in my weary legs, grabbed hold of the top, and pulled myself up. I sat on the wall and looked down the back, sure to see the others. No one was there!
I turned back toward the front. Sergeant Sheep was standing at the base of the wall. "What’s going on?" I said, heaving from exhaustion. "Where’d everybody go?"
The sheep just smiled, raised his arm slowly, and turned the palm of his hand toward me. A blast of wind blew into my face. I felt myself falling backward, like an invisible force was pushing m
e over.
Down I went like Humpty Dumpty. I tumbled toward the ground like a sock in a clothes dryer. I stayed airborne way longer than I should have, as if I had bungee jumped into the Grand Canyon. The sound of my heartbeat drummed in my ears. Echoes from the past filled my head:
It’s for your own good."
"Don’t vote for a bonehead."
"You might come out as Medusa."
Without warning, I hit the ground firmly on my feet, the impact forcing me onto my back.
It was quiet now. A gentle breeze swept over my sweaty face. I kept my eyes closed, waiting for my head to stop spinning. After catching my breath, I looked up and saw a blue sky above me.
I rubbed the back of my neck as I sat up. Devin, Jake, and Lydia were sitting on the ground in front of me. Lydia primped herself while staring into her makeup mirror. Devin sampled the wind direction with his index finger. Jake grumbled obscenities while throwing fistfuls of dirt at the ground.
We had all landed in the middle of a dusty crossroad that cut through an enormous cornfield. The roads ran perfectly straight in all four directions and stretched clear to the horizon. There was no sign of the boot camp, the obstacle course, or even the wall we had just climbed over.
Devin dusted himself off as he stood up. "It’s a mystery," he said.
"It’s a conspiracy," said Jake.
"So, now what?" I said.
"Call 9-1-1, of course," said Lydia. "Oh . . . yeah . . . no cell phones."
"Even if we had one," I said, standing up, "what would we say? ‘Alice just fell down the rabbit hole. Send help!’?"
Lydia took hold of Devin’s hand and rose to her feet. "What we totally need is a map," she said.
"A map?" laughed Jake. He got up and pulled out an empty pack of cigarettes from his pocket. Then he tipped it forward, and into his hand dropped a GPS unit!
"You little smuggler, you," said Devin, grinning.
Jake turned on the location-finding device. A digital voice spoke from its tiny speaker:
Activating maps . . ."
"Awesome!" said Lydia. "Now we can get outta here."
"Recalculating . . ."
"Whatcha mean, we?" said Jake, holding the device close to his chest.
"Searching location . . ."
"Something tells me he has other plans, Lydia," said Devin.
"Location found."
"You’re so right," said Jake, backing away, "and they don’t include any of you." He started down the road alone. "So long, losers!"
Lydia ran up to Jake and stroked his shoulder. "Sure you don’t want some company?"
Jake looked down at Lydia’s cherry-red fingernails. "Save it, sister," he said. "I don’t need any extra baggage."
Just then, a rapid series of beeps rang out from the GPS. It played a breezy little melody, then politely said,
"Good-bye."
Lydia quickly removed her hand from Jake’s shoulder.
Jake frantically pushed every button on the device, then shook it like a salt shaker.
"Battery trouble?" said Devin, clenching his fists. He walked up to Jake and ripped the useless object from his hands. "Big man!" said Devin. "A real American hero!"
"Get off it, rich boy," said Jake. "You woulda done the same thing."
Devin threw the device into the cornfield. "I don’t think so," he said. "Only a sadistic fiend who enjoys tormenting people could be so inhuman. I’d say, you’re less than human. You’ve got about as much humanity as a jackass!"
Jake bristled at hearing the word jackass. "Okay!" he shouted. "I tried to save my own skin. So, I’m not a saint, but I certainly ain’t no jackass."
Devin had been hurling insults at Jake all day, but this time his "jackass" wisecrack really hit the mark. A long, pointy ear suddenly popped out the top of Jake’s bald head.
"Hey!" said Devin. "How’d you do that?"
"How’d I do what?" answered Jake, as another long ear broke through his scalp alongside the first one.
"That," said Devin, pointing to the top Jake’s head.
Coarse, brown hair began growing out of Jake’s forehead and cheeks. Gray stubble sprouted around his nose and chin. Then his mouth began to stretch like it was being pulled in a taffy machine.
The rest of us cringed at the sight of Jake’s face. "I’m so gonna puke!" said Lydia.
"At what?" said Jake, scratching the mane between his hairy ears. "Why are y’all staring at me like that?"
However impossible, Jake’s head had been transformed into that of a mule! Below the neck, his body was unchanged. Curiously, despite his deformed head, he still resembled Jake, as if his mule head had been shaped by a caricature artist.
Lydia handed Jake her makeup mirror. "What the hell?" said Jake, seeing his reflection.
Devin’s dumbfounded expression gave way to a broad grin. "Whataya know?" he said. "He’s an even bigger ass than I took him for."
"Don’t joke about this," I said.
"But I’m getting such a kick out it."
"That’s not funny."
"Maybe not, but I wouldn’t stand behind of him if I were you."
Actually, a swift kick would have done Devin a lot of good just then. Had he not been so overjoyed over Jake’s misfortune, he would have known that his own head was changing. Gray fur was growing from every pore in Devin’s face. His nose morphed into a long, pointed snout. Whiskers sprang from his cheeks. His ears quadrupled in size and slid to the top of his round head.
Just the same, Devin continued ribbing Jake. "Anyone for ‘Pin The Tail On The Donkey?’ Squeak! What was that? Squeak! Squeak!"
"Looks like the joke’s on you, man," said Jake. He handed Devin the mirror. "Let’s see you weasel your way out of this one."
Devin took a long look at his reflection, then dropped the mirror as he ran his fingers over his furry face. He had a weasel head! Like Jake, the rest of him remained human.
Lydia and I immediately looked over at each other with panic on our eyes. Were we next?
Suddenly, Lydia’s rosy cheeks turned pale as a raw onion. Clumps of her auburn hair floated to the ground like autumn leaves. Fistfuls came off in her hand as she tugged at it. She covered her face and turned away from me.
"Lydia!" I cried.
When she turned back to me, her face was covered with slimy, yellow scales. Her once petite nose now stretched across the entire width of her head. Fangs dropped down between her upper teeth. She crossed her eyes and looked at her long, flattened nose. "Omigod! I’m a snake!"
The pattern was clear now: Jake, the stubborn mule; Devin, the shifty weasel; Lydia, the sneaky snake. So, this was Sergeant Sheep’s method for reforming troubled teens: forcing them to see themselves as the little beasts they truly were.
I picked up the mirror and was about to hand it to Lydia when I caught sight of my own reflection. My head was covered in black fur, parted by a wide stripe running over the top. I had a pointy, pink nose and two stubby, black ears that poked out the sides of my head.
Lydia’s snake face then appeared behind me in the reflection. "I was right about you," she said, her forked tongue lashing out her mouth. "You are a stinker."
I had the head of a skunk!
For once, Lydia was right. It was my stinky attitude that got me sent to Bonehead Bootcamp in the first place. No wonder I had so few close friends. People probably held their noses behind my back. Still, I didn’t think I looked all that bad; The stripe on my head was neon-blue!
We passed around Lydia’s mirror, as we took turns examining our animal faces. Jake was noticeably quieter now. Devin seemed almost proud of his appearance. I had adjusted to my new look gracefully. But it wasn’t quite so easy for Lydia. Having to accept the ugliness of her reptile face was more than she could bear. She fell to her knees and cried uncontrollably.
Jake and I tried our best to console her.
"It could be worse," said Jake.
"We’ll help you get through this," I said.
&n
bsp; Then Devin shoved us both away and kneeled beside Lydia. He tenderly wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "Go ahead and cry," said Devin. "You got the short end of the stick, and it’s not fair. For us, this is all some kind of bad dream. For you, it must be a nightmare."
Lydia slowly lifted her tear-stained face up at Devin. "Will I ever wake up?" she asked.
Devin wiped a tear from Lydia’s scaly cheek and helped her to her feet. "We’re walking out of this nightmare right now!" he declared. Then he perched his shades on the ridge of his weasel nose, looked up at the sun, and pointed down the road in front of him. "We’ll go east."
"How do ya figure that?" said Jake. He pointed in the opposite direction. "I say west."
Devin pointed again with more emphasis. "My instincts say east."
"Your instincts stink," said Jake. "West!"
Of all the things to argue over, this was about the dumbest. I pointed in yet another direction. "We’re going south! If either of you have a good reason why we shouldn’t, I’d like to hear it."
That shut ‘em up! We were hopelessly lost, and it didn’t matter which direction we went. It was more important to get moving if we were to get anywhere before nightfall—even though we didn’t know where "anywhere" was.
Chapter 5
Stubborn
The crossroads were miles behind us, and the long road ahead looked as endless as ever. Walking between the walls of corn was like strolling through a hedge maze with no turns. Besides the four of us, there were no other living creatures around, not even a fly to circle my skunk head. There were no sounds of birds, bees, or bullfrogs, just the shuffling of our feet in the soft dirt.
We each adapted to our new animal identities as best we could. Lydia applied rouge to her snake cheeks. Devin combed his weasel whiskers like it was a mustache. Jake was in no mood to make light of the situation, lashing out at anyone caught laughing at his mule head. True, there was nothing comical about it—unless you consider a smoking mule funny.
Though the sky was clear, I prayed that a few clouds would roll by to help us escape the afternoon heat. And while a cool breeze would have been nice, what we really needed was an arctic blast—to chill the tempers of Devin and Jake.
The Age of Amy Page 4
