Even if he did, what happened when she left? What happened when she decided his hours were too long, or the affection he gave her wasn’t enough, or the daughters who weren’t hers were taking up too much of her time? He didn’t have any answers. All he had were doubts.
Stepping away from Emily and the temptation she represented, the hopes she represented, he realized hope was as risky as happiness. He couldn’t get a grasp on it.
“You don’t have to do that now,” he said roughly, gesturing to the clean dishes.
If she had been expecting another kiss, she didn’t show it. Her smile seemed a little forced. “You’re right. I’ll have the girls help me in the morning. They like to feel useful.”
She seemed to think about his daughters as if she were their mother. But she wasn’t.
After she pushed in the rack on the dishwasher and closed it, he switched off the hood light over the stove. They walked down the hall to their bedrooms.
At his door he said, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Morning,” she agreed, and then went into her room.
He wanted to say Wait, come into mine. He wanted to pull her into his bed and make love to her again.
But if he did, she’d know he needed her. She’d know he couldn’t stay away from her. And that would be leading her on.
Emily didn’t deserve that. He couldn’t give her what she did deserve—promises that stretched beyond one night.
Chapter Eleven
Emily was waiting in the living room when Jared brought his mother home. Gloria was using a walker. The occupational therapist had assured Emily that Gloria should use it until she felt comfortable with a cane.
“You’re doing terrific,” Emily said warmly as Gloria maneuvered into the great room.
When Emily glanced at Jared, she couldn’t read his expression. He’d been quiet today. Maybe he was concerned about how his mother would get around.
Amy and Courtney scurried toward Gloria, each carrying a rose that Emily had bought at the florist’s.
“Oh, how pretty.” Gloria gave the twins the biggest hugs she could.
“I’ll put them in your room,” Emily offered. “Would you like to go there now, or settle on the sofa?”
“Probably your room would be best,” Jared remarked. “I bought one of those lift chairs to make it easier for you to get up and down. You’ve had a long morning.”
His mom did look a little tired.
“Can Grandma play a game with us?” Amy asked her dad.
He stooped down, took Amy in one arm and Courtney in the other. “Did you have your lunch?”
They both nodded.
“Then why don’t I take you two to the park while Grandma settles in and rests a bit? There will be plenty of time to play games later. I promise.”
Emily stood by Gloria’s side and felt the older woman lean more on her walker. She touched her elbow. “Are you all right?”
“Just a little wobbly sometimes. Maybe I’d better head for my room.”
They all walked her to her bedroom. When she reached it, she spotted the oversized recliner that had replaced the bedroom chair. It sat near the window so she could look out at the yard.
“Let me show you how it works,” Jared told her, lifting the control. As he demonstrated, he explained, “It has heat and a massager.”
“Oh, Jared. That’s so kind. Thank you.” She put her arms around her son.
He hugged her back, but not for very long. Stepping away, he almost looked embarrassed. “It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for the girls.”
“Taking care of them has been a joy, and it will be again. Now I think I’ll try out my new chair.” Gloria sank down onto it, pressed the button until the back reclined a bit and the footrest came up. “I think I could get too used to this,” she said with a small laugh.
“Did you have lunch?” Emily asked her.
“No, I didn’t.”
“I made the girls sandwiches and I have extras. I’ll fix you a plate. Jared, how about you?”
“I’m fine.”
Sometimes Emily felt Jared was an island and the sea around him was just too deep to cross.
“Go get your shoes,” Jared told his daughters.
They ran for their bedroom.
He and his mother and Emily were alone, and the atmosphere was awkward.
Finally, Gloria said, “I don’t want you two treating me as an invalid. I have to do things on my own. If I can’t do them, I’ll ask for help. But otherwise, give me a chance. That’s what rehab was all about. Agreed?”
Emily gave a nod. “Agreed.”
“Of course,” Jared assured her, then moved toward the door. “I’m going to get the girls and go.” He focused on his mother. “Take this time to rest and whenever the girls tire you out, I want you to let us know.”
This time Gloria wasn’t so fast to respond. “They’ll have to tire me out a great deal for me to let you know.”
Jared shook his head and left the room.
A few seconds later, Amy and Courtney peeked in and waved good-bye. Then the women heard the front door close.
“I’ll get you lunch.”
“I have a feeling you’re going to spoil me.”
Emily crouched down beside Gloria’s chair. “I think someone should. You’ve done a wonderful job taking care of Amy and Courtney. And you raised Jared into a fine man.”
“You know, don’t you?” Gloria asked.
Emily wasn’t going to play dumb. “I know some things.”
“You know I had a fling while I was engaged to Wyatt.”
Emily nodded.
“In that case, you also know why Wyatt divorced me. Jared believes his life was never the same after that…and it wasn’t.”
“Yes, I know that, too. I’m sorry for all you went through…for all Jared went through. It must have been a traumatic time for all of you.”
“It was. I’d kept the secret far too long. Jared had every right to feel betrayed and angry and resentful, just as Wyatt did. Jared lost the only father he’d ever known.”
“But he still saw him.”
“Yes, but their relationship changed.”
“It shouldn’t have. He was his father in the real sense.”
“I think they both came to realize that before Wyatt died. But neither of them ever forgave me and I don’t blame them.”
Emily shook her head. “Life’s too short to keep blaming someone for what they did wrong. I lost both of my parents. Jared doesn’t realize how lucky he is to still have you.”
“And how about you, Emily? Does Jared realize how lucky he is to have you?”
She felt her cheeks flush and rose to her feet. The motion gave her a few moments to think because she wasn’t sure what to say.
“Don’t feel you have to be guarded with me, dear. I know what Jared’s like. I know he protects himself. Did he tell you about Valerie?”
“Yes, he did. So I understand why he’s reluctant to get involved with anyone.”
“She was mistaken to run away like that. It hurt him, and I’m afraid he thinks knowing she left him like that will hurt Amy and Courtney someday. He worries about the right time to tell them.”
“Maybe the right time is when they start asking. But even then, he needs to give only as much as they can understand.”
“Exactly.” Gloria smiled. “You are good for him.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know that he never trusted the girls with anyone but me and Chloie.”
“I’ll only be here until you’re back on your feet. This is only temporary. I hope to work in my field again, if anyone will hire me.”
“You have doubts because of that newspaper story?”
“What happened to me in Corpus Christi was on the news, too.”
“Listen, Emily. You delivered a baby in a grocery store. You did a good job of it. That just proves that you were a good midwife.”
“No, it pro
ved Patti had an easy birth.”
“Have you seen her since that day?”
“Too much press. I didn’t want to subject her to that. I came here to stay with Jared because of the reporters outside my house. But then he asked me to stay and care for the girls while you recuperated. But after you’ve recovered, I’ll have to find work again.”
“You’ll find a job. But in your heart, you have to know what you really want to do with your career…with Jared. If you have feelings for him, you might have to poke a few holes in those walls of his.”
Poke a few holes. Emily had no idea how to do that. But she did know his mother had just given her the courage to try.
Emily knew it was pretty obvious as she sat on the sofa watching TV that she was waiting for Jared. He’d been called to the hospital in the middle of dinner.
When the call had come in, he’d glanced at Emily and asked, “Are you going to be okay here with Mom and the girls?”
“Your mom is hardly any work at all, and I love putting the girls to bed.”
“I can read to them, too,” Gloria had interjected. “Just because I have to walk slowly doesn’t mean I’m not capable.”
Jared had raised his brows and then told his service he’d be at the hospital in ten minutes.
It was midnight now. Emily knew Jared would expect she’d be in bed, but she had a few questions for him she didn’t feel could wait.
When she heard his key in the door, she went perfectly still.
He apparently spotted the light still shining in the great room. “I thought you’d be in bed.”
“I’m not sleepy. How about you? How was the delivery?”
He came over to the sofa and lowered himself beside her. With elbows propped on his knees, he rubbed his face with both hands and then glanced over at her. “It was a long, tough labor for the mom. The epidural didn’t seem to help as much as it should have. I began to wonder if something was wrong even though none of the monitors showed anything. Do you know what I mean? It was just a gut feeling.”
“I know what you mean.”
She could feel the heat of Jared’s body. They were sitting that close. He looked as if he might want to reach over and touch her, but he didn’t.
“What happened?”
“The fetal heart rate changed. I did a cesarean. The cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck.”
Emily’s breath caught.
“The baby’s okay. We got him in time. The Apgar score was good.” Jared sat up straighter, rolled his shoulders and his neck a couple of different ways.
You’ve got to poke holes in those walls.
Following her instincts, Emily said, “Take off your shirt and let me give you a massage.”
He glanced at her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“It’s going to take you at least an hour to unwind, an hour that you could be sleeping. Just let me loosen up your muscles a bit.”
He thought about her suggestion but not for very long. “Are you a pro at massages?”
“Actually, massage was part of my training. It helps women relax when they’re in labor.”
At that, he smiled and unbuttoned his shirt. As soon as he did, as soon as he pulled it from his trousers, rolled it into a ball and tossed it to the end of the sofa, Emily knew she was way in over her head. This wasn’t going to poke holes in his walls. It was going to demolish hers. If she touched him again, she’d have no protection for her heart.
Did she want protection? Did she need protection? Or was she ready to take a risk to find happiness again?
“Why don’t I sit over there?” He stood and went to the hassock, sitting with his tanned back facing her.
She took a deep breath, crossed to him and started with his neck, reaching around to his jaw. She felt his beard stubble as she smoothed her thumbs over tense muscles, using her fingers at pressure points, easing away knots, giving comfort and in measure, her love. She did love Jared.
He groaned when she moved to his shoulders, kneading them.
“No tension there,” she commented dryly.
“That’s where it all goes,” he mumbled. “Did anyone ever tell you you have magic hands?”
“No.”
“Well, I’m telling you. In fact…” He stopped. “Never mind.”
She wished he would say what he was thinking. She wished he could trust her with his feelings…and his heart.
After kneading his shoulders and upper arm muscles, she began circling his shoulder blades, trying to keep the ministrations impersonal, almost professional. That was so impossible. This was Jared and she loved touching him.
Suddenly he turned around and caught her hands.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“You’re driving me crazy.”
“Jared, I didn’t mean to—”
She never finished her thought as he stood, pulled her arms around his waist and captured her lips with his. He was hungry for her as she was hungry for him. It seemed as if they’d been apart forever. His tongue slid from one corner of her mouth to the other and stroked her. She responded, kissing him back, with the depth of her growing feelings for him.
He broke the kiss but still held her tight and grumbled into her neck, “I’d take you right here but we know how foolish that would be.” Then he scooped her up into his arms. “If we’re quiet about this, no one has to know.”
She knew what he meant. His mother, in the room next to his, could hear any sound.
As he carried her, she wondered what had happened to the questions she had wanted to ask him.
Maybe after they made love he’d answer her questions. Maybe after they made love she could tell him she loved him.
In Jared’s bedroom, they silently skimmed off their clothes. They had no words, no pillow talk, no expression of feelings. There was only a need that was stronger and bigger and wider and higher than they were.
Jared’s large hands possessed all of her. He knew the fullness of her breasts, the roundness of her bottom, the length of her thighs, the narrowness of her feet. He touched her everywhere. The silence between them seemed to magnify every sensation, every push of their limbs on the sheet, every sigh that went no farther than her mouth to his.
They had made love before, kissed before, touched before. Tonight there was an urgency about it that made Emily wonder even more what Jared was thinking and feeling. Was he telling himself this was only sex? Was he reminding himself they were merely having an affair? Was he thinking this was the last time it would happen? Was he wondering where and when they could do it again?
After he brought them both to a sublime arousal, he pulled her astride him.
Their gazes met. Neither looked away. White moonlight invaded the room, illuminating their intertwined bodies.
As she slid onto him, Jared whispered her name. It was the only sound in the room, so hushed she didn’t know if she’d really heard it. She rocked with him, contracted around him, tried to imagine his walls falling down. They inched closer and closer to the peak of pleasure.
She reached it first. The orgasm suspended her, shook her, invaded her…until heat was all that was left of an ecstatically erotic fire that had shot through her limbs.
Jared’s body shuddered several times and she knew he’d found the same release. Had he felt the deep part of heat? Did it still claim him?
So many questions.
Yet they were silent as she slipped off him to lie beside him. He held her tightly in his arms, kissing her on the mouth, and then the temple. A few minutes later, from Jared’s deep breathing, Emily realized he was asleep. She also realized she couldn’t stay. If she let herself fall asleep beside him, she’d be here until morning. She couldn’t take that chance.
Giving herself only a few more minutes of lying next to the man she loved, she slipped out of his arms and off the bed, collected her clothes, opened his door to make sure the hall was clear and then scurried to her bedroom.
Her questions wou
ld have to wait.
And Jared’s walls?
Tomorrow she’d test them, to see if they’d weakened. If not?
She’d just have to try again.
Emily sat in the waiting room of the hospital’s outpatient physical therapy center the following week, hoping no one recognized her. Francesca had told her no more reporters were calling the house. She was old news, thank goodness. With the girls at preschool, she’d brought Gloria to her appointment. But Emily couldn’t keep her mind on the midwifery articles in her lap. She couldn’t stop thinking about Jared.
As if she’d conjured him up, he strode into the reception area and made a beeline toward her.
She was suddenly worried. Had Mrs. Lannigan called him? “The girls are okay, aren’t they? When I dropped them off at preschool they seemed fine.”
“They’re good as far as I know. This isn’t an emergency visit,” he replied with a smile. “I wanted to see how Mom was doing with her session.”
This was supposed to be Jared’s day off. But he usually checked on patients in the hospital even on his day off. She hoped he could snatch a few free hours.
Lowering himself into the chair beside her, he asked, “Were you just going to sit here and wait today?”
His arm brushed hers and neither of them moved away. “I decided not to run errands and catch up on some reading.”
He glanced at the papers in her lap. “What are you reading?”
“Midwifery journal pages I printed from the Internet.”
His voice was gentle. “You miss it, don’t you?”
“More than you’ll ever know.”
“Then go back. Start your own practice again. Or send your résumé out.”
“I’m still sorting out what I really want.”
“No, what you’re doing is doubting yourself. Tell me again what you feel is the ideal situation for a baby’s birth.”
She knew in her heart exactly what that would be, and the words came to her lips easily. “For me, the ideal is having family and friends all around to support the mom, to make her comfortable, to sing and laugh and chase away the fear. There would be soft colors and daylight without harsh spotlights, soothing music and a physician to back me up.”
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