Jenna listened to her words as she squeezed even more tightly against her mother's thin frame. She wanted to make her mother feel calm and happy. Maybe then she'd get better and wouldn't leave her and Daddy alone.
After a deep breath, she said, "All right, baby girl, enough of that. Come on, Jenna, help me get my locket off, please." Jenna sat up and obliged, her fingers trembling around the small, delicate golden clasp. "I want you to have this. There are lots of my things at home that are yours now, but I wanted to give you this one myself."
Jenna opened the locket as she'd done so many times when poking around her mother’s jewelry box, but this time, all she saw was bright gold.
"Momma, where are the pictures of you and Daddy?"
"I took them out."
"Why?"
"My momma gave this to me back when I was your age. She told me to fill it with a lifetime of love and memories. I had my time. Now it's yours."
"No. I don't want it. It's still yours. I won't take it. You're gonna need it when you get better and come home."
"Shh, sweetie. I've never lied to you, have I?"
"No, Momma."
"And I won't do it now. I need you to understand that I'm not gonna get better, baby girl."
Jenna tried to struggle and squirm away from the locket, from those terrible words…from everything.
"Yes, you are gonna get better, Momma, you have to." Jenna's voice had grown loud through all her distress until she couldn't help but let it turn to a whisper. "We need you. Why won't these doctors make you better, Momma? Why won't they fix you?"
"They tried, baby girl, but some things just can't be fixed."
"They should fix you. If I were a doctor, I would save you. If I knew how, I would make it all better."
"I know you would, baby girl," she said, in short gasps, as her teeth clenched in pain. Her brown eyes filled with tears until they finally spilled forth onto her sunken cheeks, and she had to wipe them away with a shaky hand.
"I wish it were that simple, baby girl. Please know that all I've ever wanted in my life was to be at home with you and your daddy. But sometimes we don't get everything in life that we want. And fighting just makes it hurt more. Please take the locket. It would make me so happy for you to have it. And you'd better say yes because I'm getting tired." She managed to chuckle only to start coughing and breathing in tiny, choking gasps.
"Okay, Momma, I'll take it," Jenna said, once her mother's body had calmed down again.
"And I want you to wear it, okay? Don't hide it away in a jewelry box. Please wear it and love it. And when you find something great that life is willing to give you, please promise me you'll accept that great thing. Honor it by putting a picture of it in this locket and — believe me — I will know that you did. I don't know how, but I swear that somehow I will. Do you promise me you'll do that?"
"I promise, Momma."
"Thank you, baby girl," she answered, as she watched Jenna close her hand around the necklace.
Momma didn't speak for a while. Her breaths were short and the rattling sound coming from her chest seemed to get louder with ever gasp of air she tried to take.
"I'm also gonna need you to look after your daddy," she continued, speaking in bursts. "He is gonna be really sad and I will need you to be strong for him. You'll also have to be strong for yourself. Don't ever give up when you want something. Life is hard for girls, and I won't be here to look after you…"
"Stop saying that, Momma," Jenna interrupted, but her mother just patted her hand and shushed her.
"Jenna you're going to have to be tough and rely on yourself. Try not to let anyone hurt you or take advantage of you."
Her mother paused trying to catch her breath again, before continuing to speak.
"Jenna, folks are gonna…gonna try to get the best of you, but I want you to work really hard not to let them. You also need to take care of the ones you love, because that's the most important part of this crazy life. You got that?"
"Yes, Momma."
"I love you so much, Jenna," she added softly, holding Jenna in a close hug, before releasing her and grasping at her chest with a tense hand.
"Momma, what's wrong?"
"Baby, I can't…" She was trying to take a breath, but she couldn't. Her face was turning from slightly gray to the oddest shade of blue. Suddenly Jenna's mother's weak body started to shake and flop on the bed like a bass they'd caught, after her father had thrown it in the bottom of the boat on their last fishing trip.
"Momma!" Jenna was screaming now, crouching on the bed on all fours. She was desperately trying to get her mother to look at her, moving her own head and body to get closer to her face. Yet, it seemed that each time her mother's delicate frame twisted and jerked on the bed, her eyes began to look emptier, so much so, that Jenna could barely recognize her.
Footsteps approached and voices quickly surrounded them. Jenna continued to scream for her mother, trying to be heard over the loud beeping from all the machines connected to her shaking and twitching body.
Beep…beep…beep.
Hands suddenly dragged Jenna off the bed.
"Oh God, Jenna, you need to come with me," she heard Cheryl say, with fear in her voice.
"Auntie Cheryl, no! Let me go. Momma's in trouble. She needs me," Jenna shouted to her.
Her father ran in the room behind the army of doctors and nurses that were wheeling in more scary machines. Everyone was rushing around and saying words to each other that she didn't understand. All Jenna could do was reach for her mother.
"Momma, please, it's me, Jenna. Momma!"
Yet, no one could hear her shouting over the constant: beep…beep…beep.
Cheryl rushed out of the room, clutching Jenna in her arms. Jenna held the locket in one tight fist, reaching toward her mother with her other hand, frantically kicking her legs to try and get away.
"Shh, Jenna, please stop screaming, sweetie. Oh Lord, please."
"I'll be good, Auntie Cheryl. I won't scream anymore, just let me go back in. Please. I'll be good. I promise. I can be good. I know I can."
The door closed swiftly behind them and Jenna wiggled free to the ground. She couldn't get through the door to her mother. Instead, all she could do was stand there in that horrible hallway.
She could feel tears coating her face and snot dripping from her nose and choking the back of her throat. Her stomach became twisted and sick feeling, like when she ate too much candy after trick-or-treating.
Beep…beep…beep.
Cheryl tried to hug her but Jenna shook her off. Her tiny legs were so tired and she let herself slump down in a heap on the linoleum floor beneath her. She took the skirt of her fancy dress to wipe her face, but more tears fell.
Jenna stared at the locket in her tiny fist, wrapped up now with the pleated lace and silk covering her lap.
With a deep breath, she looked at that evil door. It was keeping her from her mother, and she hated it. Jenna could feel Cheryl hugging her from behind.
"Momma’s leaving. She’s going away forever now, isn’t she?"
Cheryl started sobbing in reply.
Jenna looked down and choked out to her in the softest whisper, "But I never said good-bye."
The only answer she received in return for her plea was one last beep. This one was never-ending. The sound sliced through the metal of her mother's hospital room door, and straight into Jenna's heart, until all that was left in the world was that brutally vicious echoing. "Beeeeeeeep."
CHAPTER ONE
Almost Twenty-Four Years Later
Beep…beep…beep.
"Hey, Dr. Sutherland, can you sign this?"
"What?"
Jenna jumped slightly at her name. She'd allowed herself to become almost hypnotized by the sound of a new patient's EKG. Her nerves were ragged today, she supposed. She found a smile for the nurse waiting in front of her with a patient's chart and pen in hand.
"Sure, Diana," she answered quickly.
; "Are you okay, Dr. Sutherland?"
"Oh, yes, of course. I was just distracted by something. Come on, I'll sign it over here."
Jenna walked to the nurse's station, and away from the beeping noise. It was still offensive to her, but it was a part of the job, and there was no room in her life to let it bother her.
"So, Dr. Sutherland, are yinz headin' over to Dr. West's office?" Diana asked in a hushed, conspiratorial tone.
"Yep. Do you need me to ask him something for you?"
"Oh, no, I was just wondering if you were going to ask him about going up for one of the sports medicine and orthopedic surgery fellowships everyone's talking about.
"Guilty," Jenna said, with a chuckle.
"We're all pulling for ya to get it."
"Seriously? Wow, thanks. Y'all are so sweet," Jenna answered, letting her words drawl a little through her pleasure, even while blushing at the attention.
"Sure thing, hon. Yinz is so nice to us. Plus, it's always great when we get to see a lady get some appreciation around 'ere."
Jenna finished signing the forms and handed Diana back her pen with a grin.
"Well then, fingers crossed. Thanks again," she said cheerily, before turning around and fighting the wash of nerves taking hold in her belly as she knocked on the door.
She tried to ignore the disconcerting nameplate announcing it as the office of the "Head of Orthopedic Surgery." She was worried it didn't bode well that her boss's title could possibly make her lose her nerve and skip this appointment altogether.
"Come in," she heard, and opened the door just as he looked up. "Hi, Jenna."
"Hi, Richard. Thanks for agreeing to see me," she said, before smoothing down her lab coat and sitting down in front of his desk.
"Of course, happy to. In fact, I figured you'd be finding your way into my office soon. I have a calendar reminder for when you eager beavers realize it's finally time for you to be considered for a fellowship."
"Oh darn, and I thought I was so original," she said, over her own bubble of nervous laughter.
She could kick herself. Though she strove always to appear composed and generally as though she had her shit together, Jenna still felt like the shy, awkward little girl she had been growing up was always just one uncomfortable situation away from bursting right back out of her.
"It's no problem. You have to go after what you want in this profession, or you'll get left behind."
"Right, that's what I was thinking," she mumbled out, hating herself for not having a better response.
"The department still has a few months before we need to decide, so you have time to address my concerns."
"Your concerns?" she asked.
"For one, you're still pretty young."
"I'm turning thirty-one this spring," Jenna blurted out, with what unfortunately sounded too much like the tone of a little girl trying to sound impressive while she held up her fingers to show she was "this many." Jenna had to fight back a cringe as she deliberately steadied her voice and continued, "Richard, I'm only a year or two younger than the other people being considered. I've been out of med school as long as them, and I'm just as seasoned. Plus, I've had some of the most challenging patients."
"You know I think you're great, Jenna," Richard answered calmly, walking around the desk and leaning on the edge, in an apparent attempt to make her more comfortable. "You're bright and hard-working, but all our orthopedic surgical residents are. It's your upbringing that really delivers a different dimension to our sports medicine department. The way you grew up, helping your dad with his high school football teams and skills camps? And that you started out as an undergrad college basketball star, yourself? That's the kind of knowledge you can't learn on the hospital floor or in books."
"Thank you Richard. I also have my own personal experience with sports injuries. Blowing out my ACL and MCL my junior year forced me to."
The thought of the moment sent an acidic wash of painful memories through her brain. She could still remember the fear that she wouldn't be able to finish college and go to med school if Duke rescinded her scholarship.
Her dream of helping people as a doctor someday had been in real jeopardy. Yet, fortunately she'd managed to make it work, even sticking around to attend Duke Med. Yet none of that changed the fact that she had so many more hurdles left to jump before her career was really established.
"Exactly," Richard continued. "And we love your commitment to the community through your charity work at local clinics and after-school programs. But that's why your apparent limitations are all the more baffling to me."
"Excuse me?" Jenna blurted, immediately trying to put on the best poker face she could muster.
"It's rare to have anyone with your knowledge about the inner workings of a team from every angle on our crew, and that's great. Really special. You know physical therapy techniques. You don't look down on the nitty-gritty of improving your patient's training regimen, or how they approach the game after recovery."
"Isn't that what you're looking for?"
"Of course we want that, Jenna. But otherwise you're still so distant with your patients, particularly the professional athletes. And that is disappointing, especially when our department's relationship with the local teams is a cornerstone of its success. Hell, it's a major focus of the fellowship you're trying to get. Being professional is one thing, but with you, well, it seems you treat the whole athlete, but you don't treat the person. And in a competitive field like this, that can be devastating."
"So it's my bedside manner?"
"No, the patients like you well enough." Jenna fought back a grimace. "It's just that you have a tendency to keep your cool demeanor and only see them as a condition. We are dealing with everyone from weekend warriors, to ballerinas, to NFL wide receivers. One size does not fit all. Maybe if you had more patients under your belt, another year or two of practicing…"
"I understand," she answered seriously, not quite understanding at all.
"Jenna, come on, buck up. It's not the end of the world. I'm pulling for you, but to give you such a high-profile position at this stage of your career means we need to be sure we're doing the right thing. Take these next couple of months to show us you really do appreciate our mission to stay at the top, while still connecting with every patient. I'll try to get you some more high-profile assignments, too. Make some calls to the local teams, see what we can get on your plate to show how you've grown."
"I would appreciate that," she said, as calmly as she could manage. Part of her wanted to scream, to tell him he was wrong — she was ready, no matter what nonsense he'd been spewing. Instead, she breathed deeply and regained her composure. She stood, looking him square in the eye while keeping herself perfectly steady and even, just as she always did. Finally, she added, "Thank you, Richard."
"Sure thing, Jenna. Have a great night."
"You, too," she answered, mindlessly walking out the door and waving at Diana while faking the best smile she could in response to her gleeful thumbs up from down the hallway. Every step down the sanitized hospital hallway made her feel more like a failure — a child playing dress up in some strange grown-up's lab coat.
Jenna snatched her purse out of her locker and put her lab coat away, numbly walking out to her car, grateful that no one tried to stop her to chat.
Finally in the sanctuary of her car Jenna let the sheer frustration hit her, as she slammed her door shut and threw the car into drive. She smacked her hand against the steering wheel, cursing aloud, screaming in the refuge of her metal cocoon.
Jenna was about to turn toward home when her cellphone rang, almost making her jump out of her seat. It also jarred her back to reality and reminded her that she'd promised to meet up with her friends for the Pittsburgh Roughnecks game against Denver.
"Hello," she said, answering the phone through her Bluetooth.
"Hi, sweetie, how're you doin'?"
"Aunt Cheryl, hi…how's it going?" Jenna asked with a sigh, as she tur
ned her car onto the Hot Metal Bridge, to make her way to the football stadium.
"Pretty well. Dang, girl, you sound downright miserable. Did someone go and steal your bike?" she asked, in that way that always made Jenna feel better.
Physically they couldn't have looked more different, what with Cheryl's dark cocoa skin, beautiful almost amber eyes and ebony hair. But she'd always loved Jenna like she was her very own. At home with her dad, Jenna's focus was on perfection and doing all she could to ease the lingering sadness in his eyes after her mother's death. But with Cheryl, she could be herself, complete with all her worries and insecurities.
Jenna took a breath and unloaded the whole conversation, feeling at least relieved that the words were no longer burning a hole in her own throat.
"Well, he sounds like an idiot. How could you be distant? You're nice to everyone!"
"You're kind of biased, Cheryl."
"That's my job. I'm here to blindly take your side, sweetie. It sounds to me like your boss is wrong about you."
"Thanks. Unfortunately he's a guy that has a lot of power over my career."
"Ain't that how it always is, baby?"
"I know. I'll figure it out. I've worked so hard for this. It's all I know. I can fix it, I suppose. But, how do I change who I am?"
"Don't you change a thing about yourself. Maybe you just need to show them how open you can be to the challenge. You go out there and give your patients all the thoughtfulness that I know you have in you. And maybe you should also think about having something else in your life besides joints and muscles."
"Cheryl…"
"Oh come on. How about we talk about something more fun. Are you seeing anyone?"
"Ugh, that question is never fun. Talking about a root canal — or that crappy meeting I just had — would be more fun. How'd I know that was where you were headed with this?"
"Because I love you, and I want to see you happy and holding more than a medical chart. Look at how happy Tea is now."
It was inspiring to see her friend Tea take a chance on love again after losing her husband, Jack, years before. Especially considering how she and her boyfriend, Griffen, had something so real and passionate together. Their relationship was also a daily reminder that Jenna couldn't force herself to feel strongly about any of the men she'd been allowing herself to go out with.
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