by Kendall Ryan
Tears welled in my eyes, and I sank onto the couch as my legs gave out. Cannon had taken physical comfort from me in a time of stress. I’d wanted to prove his theory wrong and rack up a few orgasms in the process. We had both used each other. And now it was over.
But he’d crossed the line when he told me he loved me, made me believe he wanted to be with me. I was a quick lay, and that was all it was. Then why say all those things he could never take back? Why tell me he loved me? Those words on his lips had been the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard, everything I’d ever dreamed about, yet never hoped for.
My heart hurt. My body was sore from his rough, punishing thrusts. It was like there was no escaping, no forgetting even the smallest of details about last night. Except he’d forgotten the entire thing. He’d been drunk, I knew that, but I never imagined he’d forget such a crucial detail.
Losing Cannon before I ever really had him was the most painful thing in my small world.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Cannon
It had been a mere twenty-four hours since Allie had caught me with Paige.
That night had been perfect. After a grueling couple of days, I’d gone to Paige needing her sweet comfort. And it had felt so right, so amazing, that I couldn’t hold my feelings inside any longer. I’d told her I loved her.
It wasn’t something I had planned on telling her—fuck, it wasn’t even something I’d planned on admitting to myself—yet there it was. And she’d merely clung to me, enjoying the pleasure I delivered, but not once voicing her own feelings. But what had I expected? This was never supposed to be about love. She’d ridden out the pleasure, milking me, loving me with her body but never with her words.
Christ, taking her bareback was an experience I’d ever forget. The way she’d sighed and softly moaned my name when I entered her, the tight grip of her body strangling my cock, the way her restless hips had thrust toward mine every time I slid back . . . she was perfection. And then Allie found us together and everything had turned to shit.
Allie was beyond pissed, and maybe I should have felt guilty about that, but Paige and I were grown-ups. We knew the score when we started this. Shit, Paige was practically the one who’d seduced me. Told me there was no way she’d fall in love with me.
I guess she was right.
The truth was I’d wanted her since I laid eyes on her when she answered the door that first day. I would never have acted on it, though, if she hadn’t suggested we hook up. And if we’d never gone there, if I’d never gotten to hold her in the dark, never entered her tight, warm body, I wouldn’t be so utterly messed up right now. She’d wrecked me.
It was easy to tell myself I was staying with my mom because she needed me, but the truth was my decision was motivated by the need to give Paige some space.
“Earth to Cannon.” Peter waved his hand in front of my face.
Blinking, I looked up at him. We were halfway through a brutal twelve-hour night shift. Enjoying lunch at two in the morning would never seem natural to me. But at least I was sitting with Peter, who often brought levity to my life.
“You all right, buddy? You tuned out on me for a few minutes there.”
I nodded and picked up my fork. “Fine.”
Peter knew that I’d lost my stepdad last week. Bob had never felt like a dad to me, but he was a good man and he’d loved my mom, and that was good enough for me. His loss was devastating. Mom was cycling through the normal stages of grief, and I’d stayed with her every night just so she wasn’t alone. It had actually been nice. We ate together when I was home, and she did my laundry just like in the old days. I think it gave her some sense of purpose.
Peter laughed, pushing his tray away. “Bullshit. You’re not fine. And I’m not talking about losing Bob. That was horrible and hard on the whole family, I get that, but this is something else.”
Forcing down another bite of enchilada, I frowned. Enchiladas only made me think of Paige and her weird little dog. I wasn’t ready to admit to anyone how much I missed them.
“Why don’t you fill me in then, since you seem to think you know something I don’t,” I bit out.
“You’re hung up on Paige. I can see it.”
I raised my brows. This was not the conversation I expected to be having. “Not even close.”
“You’re falling for her. You speak fondly of her often, and you’re spacey when you’re here. It’s happening. The great Cannon Roth has fallen.”
Such bullshit . . .
Women threw themselves at me daily. Love was never even on my radar, and I had no plans to change that. My heart was like a steel trap, strong and certain. Sure, they could bounce on my cock for an hour, but saying good-bye was easy because my heart was never even on the table. My goals were singular, and I never pictured a woman by my side while I pursued them.
Period. End of story.
Until Paige . . .
I might have told her I was cursed when it came to sex, that women fell in love with me and then pursued me relentlessly after, but she’d proven me wrong. Paige wasn’t in love, wasn’t pursuing me. Shit, she hadn’t even said anything when I admitted I loved her. Not even a thank-you.
It was a hard truth to face that Peter was right. I was the one who had fallen for her.
Finishing up in silence, Peter and I grabbed our trays from the table, stowing our dishes in the proper bins and throwing our trash away.
“Doesn’t matter.” I heaved out a sigh. “I’ve submitted my application for a residency.”
“That’s huge news.” Peter grinned at me. “About damn time.”
When Dr. Ramirez offered to refer me to a hospital in Denver with a world-renowned cardiology program, I couldn’t say no to that opportunity. Having his guidance and knowing he believed in me was everything. And with things the way they were with Paige and my sister, leaving town sounded pretty fucking awesome.
As we headed from the hospital cafeteria, a heaviness settled over my chest. Having selected my path, I should have felt lighter and at ease after all these long months of uncertainty.
Instead, the reality of my situation was hitting hard. I had fallen for someone I couldn’t have, and now I was doing the only thing I could—flee.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Paige
A knock at the door surprised me. For a split second, I held out hope that maybe it was Cannon. Then I remembered he never knocked, aside from his first time. He had a key, not that he had used it in over a week.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to find a meek college-aged girl with soft blond curls and sad honey-colored eyes. She was petite, dressed in leggings and an oversized University of Michigan sweatshirt that hung from her frame and made her look even smaller.
She met my stare, seemingly just as curious about who I was. Then her gaze darted behind me and into the living room.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“Is C-Cannon here?” she stuttered.
“Not right now.”
“But he does live here?”
I swallowed, suddenly feeling uneasy, not to mention I was totally unsure about how to answer her question. “I’m sorry, who are you?”
Her expression changed, and she offered a shy smile. “Sorry. I’m Michelle. Cannon’s girlfriend.”
My eyes about fell out of my head. “His what?”
Her smile fell. “I mean, I was. Now, I don’t know what I am. I haven’t talked to him.”
Several things clicked into place at once. She was the reason he suddenly needed a place to stay. He broke up with his girlfriend and needed a hideout. I’d been an easy escape from his reality. My throat tightened, and I gripped the doorway for support.
“He didn’t mention you,” I said.
Her smile fell away. “I’m not surprised. That’s Cannon for you. Our history is . . . complicated.”
He’d told me some of his complicated past with women, but now I wondered if he’d told me everything. Apparently not, bec
ause I had no idea who this woman standing on my porch was. He’d never mentioned the name Michelle.
“And you’re his . . .” Michelle paused, clearly fishing for information.
“I’m his older sister’s friend.” God, that sounded so lame.
“Ah. That makes sense. I mean, I didn’t think . . . never mind.” She grinned at me, an almost giddy smile that revealed her age.
“The next time I see him, I’ll tell him you stopped by.”
She nodded. “Please do. And ask him to call me.”
“I will.”
Michelle retreated to the curb where her little red sedan was parked, and I watched as she climbed inside, took one last wistful look toward me, and then drove away.
Still rattled from Michelle’s visit, I headed into my small kitchen to a depressing dinner for one.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Cannon
I’d been staying with my mom for the past week and a half. Though Paige didn’t say it, I no longer felt welcome at her place. I felt even worse, because it was basically my fault that Allie found us that morning. I’d left my mom’s in the middle of the night without saying good-bye to anyone, shown up drunk at Paige’s, and apparently forgotten to lock the door when I got home. And I was hung over, so I didn’t hear Allie come in until she was practically in the doorway, watching us with judgmental eyes.
Allie was still pissed at me, but I knew in time she’d get over it. If she thought Paige was going to be a distraction from my career, she was wrong. Paige didn’t want a future with me. At least, that’s what I’d been led to believe.
“Hello? Mom?” I called out as I let myself inside.
I found her in the kitchen baking. Mom baked when she was stressed; it was kind of her thing. A plate of frosted pumpkin bars sat on the counter, and a pan of brownies was cooling on top of the stove. Mom was elbow deep in a mixing bowl, kneading what looked like biscuit dough. I eyed everything with apprehension.
“Cannon.” She smiled when she saw me. “Glad you’re here. Hand me that canister of flour.”
I did as I was told, then sat down on the bar stool at the counter to watch her work. “How are you holding up?” I raised my brows at the counters, which were now piled high.
“What? They’re for the church brunch this weekend.”
I rolled my eyes. Baking was a much better alternative to lying in bed crying, but still she was my mom, and I was allowed to poke fun at her idiosyncrasies.
“So, talk to me about Denver,” she said, dusting the countertop with more flour.
I’d called her the minute the opportunity was presented to me, wanting her input, although ultimately the decision was mine to make. But all that was before Bob passed. Things were different now.
“Mom, I can’t possibly leave you now. Not after everything that’s happened.”
I hadn’t told her about Paige and me, and I’d made Allie promise not to either. Mom had enough to worry about. She didn’t need to know about the drama still stewing between us. Allie had reluctantly agreed through text message, still refusing to speak to me much.
“Of course you can, and you will. I’ve always known this day was coming, and I’ve been preparing for it for a long time, Cannon.”
I weighed her words, turning them over in my head. I had never put myself in her shoes, never considered what it was like to be a parent, to know your children would grow up and leave you one day. But she was right; it’s something you always know is coming.
“I was fine when you went off to Yale, and I’ll be fine now.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but the heavy crease between her brows proved her point. My mom had lived alone most of her adult life. My dad wasn’t in the picture very long before cutting out, and she’d made it just fine. All those years, she forged a life for herself, tugging two small kids behind her.
Mom turned out the ball of dough onto the floured countertop and began rolling it out with a large wooden rod.
I was grateful when she met Bob and fell in love. It wasn’t fair that she’d only gotten to have him in her life a handful of years. But then again, I knew life wasn’t fair. It was from her that I’d learned how to take the sourest, bitterest parts of life and turn them into something productive. It was time for my mom to make lemonade.
“Cannon, there’s something else I want to ask you,” Mom said.
“What is it?”
“Your roommate, Paige.” She hesitated, smoothing her hands over the front of her apron.
My heart thudded dully in my chest. Had Allie said something? Watching Allie freak out that morning hadn’t been easy. But Paige’s indifferent response toward me afterward had been much worse.
“What about her?”
“I watched how you were with her during the funeral. You were attentive and sweet, and paired with the fact that I know you harbored a secret crush on her when you were young . . .” Mom stuck her hands into the ball of dough once again. “Call it mother’s intuition, but I just got the sense that maybe there was something going on between you two. And then you suddenly left and hightailed it back here.”
“Mom, I love you, but I’m not going to talk about my sex life with you.”
She made a noise of agreement. “That confirms it then.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Is it merely physical, Cannon? Part of me always wondered if you two would cross the line into more than just friend territory.”
“I don’t think Paige is interested in that, Mom. And besides, Allie would never go for it.”
“You never know, Cannon-ball. Many things can be solved over a cup of coffee and some conversation.”
I pressed the heel of my hand against my temple, feeling the stirrings of a headache. “Doesn’t matter now, anyway. You’re right about Denver. As long as you’re okay, there’s no reason for me to stay.”
It was too good an opportunity to pass up. And if Mom insisted she didn’t need me, there wasn’t anything holding me here. Unless you counted a sister I wasn’t on speaking terms with, and the woman I’d always desired who was honest from the start about what she wanted from me—a few mind-blowing orgasms and nothing more.
Mom nodded, a small smile on her lips. “I know you’ll do the right thing. You always do.”
I wasn’t so sure about that.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Paige
Thankful for Allie’s second chance, I’d jumped at the opportunity to join her for a glass of wine tonight at a local bar. Her friendship was pretty much the only thing I had left.
We’d discussed her desire to start dating again after the disaster that was James, but when the topic turned to her brother, my heart began to pound. I wanted to feign mild disinterest for the sake of our mended friendship, but just hearing his name was like someone had struck a match inside my chest. I felt hot and anxious, desperate for more information, for news about how he was doing.
“I think he’s going to be wrapping up at the hospital soon,” she said, fiddling with her cocktail napkin.
“What are you saying? Does Cannon have an offer already?”
Allie’s mouth lifted in a smile. “He does. He’s going to be a resident at one of the best cardiology programs in the country.”
Gripping the edge of my chair to keep from falling off, I held my breath while I waited for her to continue.
“He’s moving to Denver. Didn’t he tell you?”
That right there told me exactly where I ranked on Cannon’s list of priorities. “He hasn’t mentioned it.” Because we hadn’t spoken in two weeks.
Allie’s eyes widened. “He’s known for a couple of weeks. I thought for sure you knew.”
I set my glass down with shaky hands, the bottom clinking against the table. The news felt like a knife had been thrust through my heart, piercing the most tender place I’d kept hidden away. Allie knew that we had been sleeping together, but she had no idea how deep my feelings ran, how crushed I was when he just walked away.
Allie focused on her cocktail, not letting on if she saw my reaction. “He’s been busy. I’m sure he was going to tell you.”
“He hasn’t been by for his stuff or anything. He’s been staying with your mom.” Admitting that felt like I’d lost the very last piece of him.
Allie smirked. “That’s probably for the best, don’t you think?”
My world suddenly felt small and dark. It had been nice having someone to live with, even better than I’d expected. Cannon and I got along great, and once we threw great sex into the mix, it had started to feel like the total package. Then he went and ruined everything by telling me he loved me. And now he was leaving.
For weeks, the dilemma I’d thought I was facing was to choose between my friendship with Allie or pursuing more with Cannon. But now it seemed the decision had been taken out of my hands.
• • •
I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Cannon’s sweet Post-it notes until one appeared on my front door a week later. I peeled it from the sun-faded door with tears in my eyes.
I need to talk to you. Are you free on Friday?
That was still two days away. Why did it feel like an eternity? I was sure that he was going to tell me about Denver.
After letting myself inside, I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.
Paige: Yes, I’m free on Friday. Do you want to come over for dinner?
He responded a few seconds later.
Cannon: I have the day off. I’ll bring groceries and meet you there.
It was settled; I had a dinner date with Cannon in forty-eight hours. Now I just needed to figure out what I was going to say to him.
• • •
You would have thought I had all the time in the world to plan what to say to Cannon when I saw him, but you’d be dead wrong. Somehow two days went by in a blur, and now it was Friday—time to face the music. Cannon had texted when I was leaving work to say he’d gotten to my place early and let himself inside.
