by Kendall Ryan
I laughed out loud at the memory. “That was awesome. And to be fair, we did crush it that night.”
“We did. I think that was the last time I got to hang out with Pam. How is she doing?”
Thinking of my sister made me realize I hadn’t shared the news yet. “Actually, she’s pregnant again.”
Evie stared at me before clapping a hand over her mouth. “For real? Holy shit, she’s amazing. I don’t know how she does it all. When I have kids, I think I’m going to need to . . . Never mind.” She stopped short and blushed before taking a swallow of the beer the bartender had set in front of her.
“You’re allowed to talk about the future and the things you want in life, Evie,” I said gently.
Maybe our whole talk about being casual had made her afraid to talk to me about anything serious. That was a mistake. While I wanted to take things slow, it had become glaringly obvious in the past weeks that this was as serious as things had ever gotten for me.
“I didn’t want you to think because I want kids one day that meant I expected them to be yours or whatever,” she said, finally meeting my gaze.
The vulnerability in her eyes made me ache for her, and I leaned in and pressed my forehead against hers.
“I know that. And I’m not sure how this is all going to turn out, but I can tell you this. Thinking of you with someone else’s babies makes me want to break shit. And if that’s not casual, then too fucking bad.”
Her grin was tremulous, and she traced a fingertip over my mouth. “Yeah. Too fucking bad.”
This was deep. Deeper than we’d gone so far, and part of me wanted to pull back.
Opening up about shit like this had always been a bone of contention between my ex and me. Talking about kids and the future had been terrifying. What if I was like my own father and found out that, once I had a kid, I didn’t want to be a parent anymore? What if I was shitty at it, like my mother, and opted out when things got hard?
Time and time again, Karen had pressed. And time and time again, it had felt like an invasion of privacy. Eventually it became a no-fly zone, and we’d drifted apart with nothing real to sustain us.
But with Evie, even as I was about to change the subject and make a joke out of sheer habit, something stopped me. This didn’t feel like an invasion at all. It felt right. Like getting something off my chest that had been sitting there like a weight for a very long time.
I cupped the back of her head and touched my lips gently to hers in the softest of kisses. For a long time, we stayed like that, breathing in sync, just holding each other, and damn if it didn’t feel good.
I was falling, and I was falling hard. I could only hope Evie felt the same and that, soon enough, we’d come up with a way to tell her brother.
A way that wouldn’t drive us all apart and ruin everything.
Chapter Eighteen
Evie
It was late and way past my bedtime, but I had no desire to end this and go home.
Smith and I had moved to a little booth beside the bar, and I was trying to keep it together, despite the fact that his jealousy had my heart singing. Why would a man care who a woman had a baby with if he was just in it for the sex? And more to the point, why the hell weren’t we having sex if he was just in it for the sex?
These were the questions that plagued me as we sat talking and nursing our next round of drinks. I quickly realized that thoughts like those were a descent into madness. I would literally drive myself crazy if I kept trying to analyze every word he spoke. Instead, I focused on the man in front of me.
I loved everything about tonight. The reservation he’d made at that swanky restaurant—and then promptly broken before stealing me away for a much more laid-back evening, which somehow had made the date even more intimate. Sharing laughs, telling stories, we’d been able to open up and be ourselves.
As I gazed into Smith’s eyes, I realized that something about him being older made him so much more desirable and charming than other men. A beer-swilling, hamburger-eating, football-and-video-game junkie he was not. Or maybe it was just that guys my age were so juvenile compared to Smith. He had friends and family who loved him, an impressive job that he dressed in a suit for every day, and that was before he came in to help rescue Sophia’s.
Everything about him was special and attractive to me. Just the life he’d built for himself was enviable. Most days I felt like a hot mess, munching on dry cereal from a plastic bag on my way into work, reading those sex-tips articles at night—hoping for inspiration. Yeah, I was a work in progress.
But Smith knew exactly who he was. A businessman, an athlete who enjoyed regular five-mile runs through the park on the weekends, a friend who could be relied on.
Or at least he did until I marched into his hotel room that night and confused everything.
“So, how do you like working for the company? Did you ever imagine you’d be working in women’s undergarments?” I asked.
He let out a short chuckle. “No. Never. I’ve always enjoyed lingerie, but usually it’s because I’m the one taking it off.”
Now I was the one letting out a giggle.
“I do really like working there, but I’m just a numbers guy,” he continued. “You and your brother are the true visionaries.”
“Just a numbers guy.” I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m pretty sure you’re a millionaire, so yeah.”
Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. The drinks we’d downed were going to my head.
But Smith just shrugged. “My family is. I got lucky.”
“You won the lottery with them.”
Smith’s family was amazing, but I hoped I hadn’t just put my foot in my mouth.
We got quiet for a second. But I’d already started down this path, so it only made sense to keep going.
“Do you ever wonder about your biological parents? If you have any siblings out there?”
Smith sat up straighter. “Of course I do.”
“Have you ever looked into it? Hired a private investigator, anything like that?”
He shook his head. “I’ve thought about it, but no. Couldn’t do that to my mom.”
Mary. The woman who fostered, then adopted Smith was now simply Mom. It was sweet that he was so thoughtful, putting her feelings first, but this was his life too. Surely he was entitled to some basic information about where he came from.
“Do you want to know the truth?” he asked, and I nodded. “It gets to me sometimes, not knowing, living life as one big question mark. Even the little things like when I go to get a physical and the doctor wants my family’s medical history, or wondering how I got my hazel eyes.”
It was crazy how much I could know about this man, and yet he constantly still surprised me.
Reaching over, I placed my hand on his. “I never thought about that part of it. Being in a family with people who don’t look like you.”
“Yeah. Maybe someday, maybe when my parents pass away, I’ll look into it. But you know, regardless, I don’t think I’d change a thing,” he said with a shrug. “Even after all the hard times early on. It was tough getting shuffled around, especially because I was so young and didn’t understand. I wanted to be loved so badly and couldn’t figure out why no one wanted to love me back.”
His tone was so matter of fact, like that of a man far removed from that pain, but my throat ached with tears at the thought of a four-year-old Smith being packed up and moved from house to house.
I wanted to go back in time, find his birth mother and father and slap them both upside the head for leaving him. Sure, maybe they’d done it because they couldn’t provide a good life for him anymore, but in my emotional state at that moment, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that Smith had suffered, and I hated the thought of it.
“My parents are really wonderful,” he continued, oblivious to my internal struggle. “And my relationship with Pam and her family is probably one of the best things in my life. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”
/>
I nodded in agreement. Cullen and I were close like that, and it was a bond that could never be broken.
At least, I hope not.
I took a sip from my glass and tried not to let myself indulge in that line of thinking. If Cullen did find out about Smith and me and that was enough to damage our relationship for good, then there were deeper problems at play. We were family, and we would work through it if it came down to that. It was Cullen and Smith’s relationship that had me worried. As close as they were, it was still hard for Cullen to accept that I was a grown-up now. He would probably think Smith had taken advantage of me, which, considering how we’d started whatever this was between us, was almost funny.
“But I do think my past fucked me up some and probably has a lot to do with my relationships as an adult. I won’t lie, Everleigh,” he said, meeting my gaze. “I feel different about you than I’ve ever felt before, but I don’t know what that means yet. I’m no white knight, and I could fuck this all up. If you want to walk away now and cut your losses, I’ll understand.”
God, had it only been a couple of weeks ago that I’d climbed into his bed? So much had changed so quickly. How strange my only goal back then was to get a do-over. To have my first orgasm with a man, and have Smith be the guy at the other end of the dick I needed to get me there. How quickly that had changed.
Yeah, I still wanted that. More every day, actually. But now, as we sat talking about our hopes and dreams and families? I found myself wishing that this was my life. Smith and me talking about our day, laughing at darts and sharing our lives with each other.
That was dangerous shit, and I needed to watch my step. But I wasn’t walking away. Not yet.
“And miss all the fun? Not a chance,” I replied, trying to keep my tone light so he couldn’t see how much this meant to me. He claimed to be no white knight, but the Smith I knew would back off instantly if he realized the power he had over me. If and when this ended, I would be destroyed. Only I couldn’t let him know that.
In an effort to take a step back from the intimacy and catch my breath, I shot him a grin before plucking a five-dollar bill from my purse.
“Why don’t we go play some music on the jukebox?”
I stood and waited for Smith to join me, and then headed over to the glowing monstrosity in the corner. Once it ate my money, we paged through, looking for songs we both liked.
“Oh my God, do you remember this one?” I jabbed my finger on “Remix to Ignition” by R. Kelly and closed my eyes for a second as the music started.
“How could I forget? You were like ten years old, and I walked in on you singing it into a brush that time. It was hilarious,” Smith said, his eyes shining with laughter.
“By hilarious, you mean awesome, right? Because I’m pretty sure I was singing the shit out of this song.”
I leaned in and belted out a few lines along with R. Kelly as Smith howled with laughter.
Yeah, this felt good. Too good to stop.
Major crash and burn ahead or not, I was committed to staying on this ride with Smith and finding out when and where it ended. If I wound up with a broken heart, at least I had Maggie to comfort me, along with Ben and Jerry.
It would have to be enough.
Chapter Nineteen
Smith
Three weeks later
“And we just got a huge order from Saks.” Cullen leaned forward, putting his arms on the table between us, and shook his head in amazement. “Saks. Smith, do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for an order from fucking Saks?”
I raised my eyebrows in approval as I bit into my massive roast beef sandwich, all the while trying not to follow Evie’s movements with my gaze.
“Not to mention that the new line is on fire at every single retailer,” Cullen continued, spooning up some of the chowder from his bowl and shooting me a wide grin.
We’d been at lunch for precisely four minutes before Evie had walked into the same little deli a few blocks from the office. She hadn’t caught sight of us yet, but there was no doubt she would. I only hoped she’d have a little mercy on me and refuse our eventual invitation to join us.
She was wearing a new tailored pantsuit, and it hugged her bottom like a glove. It was hard enough trying to keep it together in the office day after day with her brother in the general area. When we were all forced to be in a room together, it was a living hell.
“From a sheer numbers perspective, we’re outpacing even our most optimistic forecasts, so this is awesome,” I said, digging into my potato salad as Evie passed our table.
In a stroke of perfect luck, she caught my eye right as Cullen’s attention was focused on sprinkling oyster crackers into his soup. She must have been as uncomfortable with the thought of making it through a meal as part of this awkward threesome as I was, because she wiggled her fingers at me and tore ass out the door.
“I couldn’t be happier,” Cullen said, beaming. “Thanks so much for coming on to help out. Between you and Evie, it’s been a game changer.”
Me and Evie.
I chewed my food as I thought back on the past few days.
Had it really only been three weeks ago that we’d gone out to Rap Scallion’s and played darts? It seemed like months. In the interim, we’d seen each other daily at work, and then again most evenings. Even if it was just the two of us meeting at a dive across town for a quick cocktail after her yoga class, or me surprising her by stopping at her place on the way to Pam’s to steal a kiss.
Twice, she’d come over for movie night.
Twice, we’d missed half the movie, making out like teenagers on my couch.
And twice, she’d squirmed against my hand as she came for me.
My cock bucked in my pants as I recalled the heat of her. The scent of her. That tight fucking—
“Seriously, my little sis is on fire,” Cullen said with a proud smile.
I nearly choked on my roast beef, forcing it down my dry throat with a long chug of water.
“What?” I said, my pulse jackhammering as I tried to clear the rest of the sandwich from my aching windpipe.
Cullen’s brows drew together and he let out a laugh. “The social media stuff she’s been putting together. The boutiques are all fighting over her now. They each want their own Evie campaign and are using her images as jump-off points for their window displays.”
My heart rate slowed to something closer to normal, and I forced a tight smile. “Yeah, she’s doing really well.”
So well, in fact, that I had to credit a large part of the revenue hike to her efforts. I’d told Cullen that earlier in the week, but my own guilt made me wary of repeating it. Was I too complimentary? Was I too friendly toward her? Not friendly enough?
All in all, this was getting real fucking old. Something had to give, and soon. Besides the fact that I was in a near-constant state of arousal, I also had to wrestle with my conscience. I felt like a fraud. Here I was at lunch with Evie’s brother, unable to stop thinking about my fingers working inside her, and that little break in her voice when she came.
Not cool. Not cool at all.
I managed to get through the rest of lunch without choking, but the whole thing had left a bad taste in my mouth.
By the time we headed back to the office, I was feeling like shit on every level. For being a bad friend, for having to basically ignore Evie at the deli, and for not singing her praises as loudly as I should have been as far as work went because I didn’t want Cullen giving me the side-eye.
I made a mental vow to take the coming weekend and make some major decisions about Evie and about my life. Somehow, I’d managed to keep my vow to not go all the way, but there was no shot that was going to last. I was a hair trigger away from losing control every time we were together, and soon, this flesh and blood would fail me. Before that happened, I had to have some idea of where things were going from here.
On a whim, I told Cullen to go on ahead of me. “I’m going to stop off and grab a co
ffee. See you up there.”
He was already distracted by a text he’d gotten and threw up a quick wave before disappearing through the double doors.
I veered off toward the little café next door and ordered one of those mocha lattes Evie liked and a chocolate-covered biscotti.
It was totally irrational how excited I felt as I stepped off the elevator to our offices a few minutes later and made a beeline toward Evie’s desk. She was on the phone but she waved at me, a smile playing on her lips.
“Yes, Linda. I totally understand. And I agree, the purple would look great with the green, so for the next round of images, that’s what we’ll do.”
I set the coffee on Evie’s desk and tugged the biscotti out of the bag. Her whole face lit up, and her fingers brushed mine as she took it from me.
“You’re my hero,” she mouthed, her eyes going soft with something I couldn’t quite name.
I went to my desk feeling like exactly that. A fucking superhero, to be exact. What was it about this woman that she could make me feel that way with something as simple as a smile?
I thought back to a time when we were younger that I’d seen that same smile.
A bunch of us had gone swimming at the lake one hot summer day. I’d been with a girl, Annalise Benson. She’d developed early, and I was ashamed now to say that was all I’d seen in her, because she was also catty and a total snob.
That day at the lake, we’d been dating for about a month, and I still hadn’t been able to see past her tits. Evie had been around twelve and had finally started to grow out of her tattletale stage, so we’d let her come with us. She was paddling around in the water while Cullen chatted with some friends on the beach.
Annalise and I were making out in the shallows when I heard Evie cry out. I’d pulled away so fast, I nearly knocked Annalise on her ass to get over to Evie. She’d apparently cut her heel on a sharp rock and was bleeding badly enough to require stitches.
As I’d carried her to shore, I overheard Annalise muttering under her breath. “I don’t know why we had to bring that clumsy brat with us, anyway.”
