by Jp Barnaby
The plane ride to New York was excruciating. We sat in first class just willing the plane to go faster. Ethan called the hospital for an update while we were in the air and ordered them to put her in a private room. Thankfully, we didn’t have any delays and with no luggage, we were able to go straight out the doors and into a cab. After Ethan told the driver which hospital, we settled back in for the ride. Once we neared, Ethan called the hospital again to find out what room she was in and after throwing a hundred dollar bill at the cabbie, we hit the doors at a dead run. Using the guides on the walls, we finally found her room. A nurse was just coming out of it and stopped us before we could go in.
“Are you family?” she asked in a brusque tone.
“No, she doesn’t have any family. I’m her emergency contact and medical proxy; I have paperwork in my possession to that effect. My name is Dr. Ethan Bryant,” he said with authority and she moved aside to let him pass. Ethan was Lexi’s medical proxy? I guess that only made sense since they were close and he was a doctor. The idea of her Dom as her emergency contact made my heart ache, she must feel so alone. We entered the room quietly and saw Lexi sleeping.
“I’ve sedated her,” the nurse said quietly. “She was having nightmares…bad ones, but she needed to rest.”
“We won’t bother her…we just want to stay with her so that she feels safe,” I said, walking over to the bed, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks as I saw the bruising on her sweet face and the obvious finger marks on her arms. She had a heart monitor and an IV attached, I presumed for pain medication. Pain. If I ever find the guy that did this to her, he will have a new appreciation for the word. I pulled a chair up quietly and sat by her bedside holding her hand. She squeezed mine lightly and her face relaxed just a little. It seemed that she could feel that someone that loved her was there to help.
We had been sitting by her bedside for hours, each of us holding one of her hands when I happened to look up at Ethan, startled to see the tears streaming down his face. He never showed his emotions. The only time I had ever seen it was the kiss at the airport when Lexi was leaving for New York. I couldn’t say why, but it frightened me.
“Ethan, are you all right?” I asked in a low, hushed voice. I didn’t want to wake up Lexi and I didn’t really want to startle him either. He looked at me and the pain on his face was so clear.
“She’s my best friend. I love her so much and I let this happen to her,” he whispered, looking at their entwined fingers. I knew he was a bit of a control freak, well, okay more than a bit, but he couldn’t possibly think he could control events that happened on the other side of the country?
“Ethan, you didn’t let anything happen to Lexi. It wasn’t anything you could control.” I told him honestly and pure unadulterated rage filled his face. Instinctively, I backed up a little, until that moment, I had never once been afraid of Ethan.
“Control. That’s what my whole fucking life is about, the fact that I have no control.” Abruptly, he stood up and turned to the window behind him. I was confused…he controlled everything in his life so closely, so carefully, and he was always in control. I watched his tense posture as he stared out of the window. After several long minutes, his shoulders sagged, almost in defeat.
“Do you remember your father recognizing me at your graduation?” he asked softly, his voice full of pain. Of course I did, who wouldn’t remember your Dom knowing your dad? “He didn’t recognize me because we’d met. He recognized me because he had seen me on television. I changed my name when I moved to Washington for college. When I lived in Chicago, my name was Ethan Hughes.” Even though that name had sounded vaguely familiar, I couldn’t place it.
“When I was eight years old, I was taken on my way home from school,” he began, still staring out the rain-coated window. “Most kids that I went to school with were picked up and dropped off by nannies and chauffeurs. We only lived two blocks away and my mom thought it was a good experience for me to walk. I liked the fact that I was one of the only kids that walked; it was like I was asserting my independence. One day, I deviated from my normal route because I wanted to walk by the park. I remember having to hurry because my mom would kill me if she had found out.” He smiled, no doubt thinking of his mother.
“A dark sedan pulled over and a guy rolled down the window. He told me that my mom knew I was off my regular path and he was to bring me home. My parents had a lot of money and I didn’t even know everyone that worked for them. It never occurred to me to question him. I got into the car and didn’t see my home again for eight very long years.” The look of hatred that crossed his face was staggering.
“My parents would have paid any sum of money to get me back. They weren’t like my friends’ parents; they didn’t leave me to nannies or the help. My dad played catch with me in our yard, my mom taught me to play piano. We were a close and happy family. But this guy wasn’t after…money.” The venom returned to his voice in full force. Staring at him, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even though I had been a kid then, I remembered the story of him being found…it was all over the news. My mom used that story to scare me into not talking to strangers. Ethan had been taken not too far from where I grew up. I didn’t even know he was from Chicago too.
“When I was sixteen, he wanted me to help him take another young boy. I was too old for him; he wanted someone younger.” His voice was laced with revulsion. “I told him that I would. I knew that was my way out, but there was no way I was going to let someone else suffer in my place. When I got out of the car to grab the boy, I took his hand and told him to run. We ran up to the school and he told his teacher what was happening. They called the police, who called my parents.” He finished in a whisper. “I had been so happy to see them, but then they got all the facts about my abduction. My father wouldn’t look at me. I was someone to be ashamed of, broken, tainted. My mother took me to dozens of shrinks trying to fix me. But therapy wasn’t a magic pill, they don’t fix you. I just had to find a way to cope, a way to survive. I finally found it.” That explained everything. Everything I ever wondered about in regard to Ethan.
“I still have problems around people, especially large groups. I’m always afraid someone is going to know who I am – like your father. I’m also afraid he’ll find me again, even though I know he’s in prison. I took the chance because, well…” He looked to me and his face softened. “You and Lexi are the only friends I’ve ever had. I’ve had a Mistress, I’ve had subs, I’ve had colleagues, I’ve never had friends—people that I really let see me. You can’t control friends. You can give up control to your Mistress, you can accept control from subs, but friends, I’m finding, are a thoroughly uncontrolled quantity.” He chuckled without humor. “You two opened something in me that I didn’t even know was still there. Something I didn’t know if I ever wanted to find. You accepted me for who I am, you never once tried to ‘fix’ me. You don’t know what that means to me.” His eyes met mine.
“The day of graduation, that’s why I had you both fitted with something I could control. I had to be able to control something or I wouldn’t have made it—not around all of those people,” he said with a sigh.
“I don’t understand something, Ethan. Why me? I would think that…well, another guy…” I stammered, unable to finish. Given his history, I would think that sex with another guy would be the last thing on earth he’d want.
“Honestly, I don’t know—even now, I just don’t know. When you walked up my sidewalk that very first day just to look at the house, I was drawn to you. I’d never been drawn to anyone like that before. At first, I don’t think I consciously thought of you as a sub, just as someone I found engaging. I liked being around you, but I didn’t want you to know about my lifestyle. I didn’t want you to start looking at me differently. Then, you went into the room. The idea of having you as a sub intrigued, and yet repulsed me. I wanted a male sub, what the hell did that say about me? In my agreement with Nicole, I had specified no men. She didn’t
like it, but she agreed. Now, I was taking one on and I didn’t know how to deal with that. That’s why I was so hard on you for your first session; why I gave you the ultimatum. Half of me was so turned on by you – the other half wanted to beg you to use the safe word and never come back.”
“Everything about you drew me in – your face, your voice, even the scent of that body wash that you use. I have a hard time controlling myself around you. I don’t generally kiss my subs; it’s too intimate to me. I don’t want intimacy, I want control. But, with you…I…I just can’t help myself. I want that intimacy with you and that scares the hell out of me. It makes me wonder if maybe I gave some indication that I wanted what he did to me. It makes me look back to see if I fought hard enough against him. I’ve hated myself practically my entire life for something that I’m now willingly doing, wanting to do – a sexual relationship with another man.”
“When Lexi left and we were alone – I didn’t know what that would mean for us. I panicked and I lost control – I did something that I will always regret, because I know what that feels like. I never thought I could do that to someone else. It showed me what I am capable of.”
He looked down and I just wanted to walk around the bed and hold him, tell him that it didn’t matter, that I was still his friend and his sub. Then, something occurred to me.
“Lexi knows, doesn’t she?” I asked softly and he nodded.
“Lexi is the consummate bookworm,” he said with a low chuckle. “When her roommate told her that I had agreed to meet with her, she researched everything she could about me. She found out that I had changed my name. She didn’t like that, so she Googled ‘Ethan Hughes’ and found out what had happened. It came up in the interview, but not once did she shy away from me because of it. I’ve loved her ever since. I’ve wished for years I could have something like a normal relationship with her. I’m not capable of that kind of relationship; the emotions are just too strong. There are too many things that I cannot control and I cannot bear to lose her all together. She has helped me so much to start to regain the person I was before my abduction.” He smiled and it finally looked like a relaxed, peaceful smile.
“The first time I kissed her and told her that I loved her, she told me that she was proud of me. She was proud that I was able to express my feelings to her like that.” He looked down, grinning.
“At the airport,” I said softly. It wasn’t a question, knowing that was the first time he’d kissed her. I remember the pain tearing at me when he told her that he loved her and she whispered something back. At the time, I thought she was telling him of her love, now I know she wasn’t. Instead, she told him she was proud of him for being able to relax the control just enough to let his emotions show through.
We kept talking like that until sunrise; every once in a while he’d stop to check her breathing or heart rate or I would comfort her as she got restless. Just after sunrise, another nurse came in to check her.
“Dr. Bryant?”
“I’m Dr. Bryant,” he replied, still holding Lexi’s hand.
“I have Miss Morgan’s test results here for you, Doctor.” She handed him a manila envelope, which he opened quickly and scanned the contents. Closing his eyes, he sighed, sounding relieved. I looked at him curiously, but he handed the envelope back to the nurse and waited for her to leave before he spoke.
“Her rape kit shows no actual penetration. According to her intake sheet, the assault was stopped by a few football players who happened to walk by. The guy was,” he closed his eyes and then opened them again slowly, “the guy was on top of her and her clothing had been torn off, so they weren’t sure what they would find during their examination. She wouldn’t talk to them, but it looks like he was stopped before he got that far.” I nodded, relieved that she wouldn’t have that trauma, because judging by her dreams, the attempt was traumatic enough. I reached up and stroked her cheek.
“It’s okay, darlin’, we’re here. We love you, and we’re going to take care of you.” Leaning over, I kissed her forehead gently. She sighed and her eyes opened.
“Jayden…” she said and smiled.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said, brushing the hair from her forehead. “It’s okay now. We’re here.”
“Where’s Ethan?” He stepped forward taking her hand again.
“I’m right here, Lexi. Do you know where you are?” Ethan asked her, and she nodded slowly, then he looked to me and I sighed.
“Lexi?” I asked gently, “Do you know why you’re here?” Her eyes snapped away from mine and she stared at the ceiling; her face clouding over and I could see the tears welling, threatening to spill. As I stroked the back of her hand, she nodded, causing a tear to fall.
“It’s all right, honey, it’s okay – you’re safe. We are going to take care of you.” I promised, while Ethan squeezed her other hand in agreement. We sat in silence for several long minutes.
Then Ethan said, “Jayden, I’m going to call around and try to find us a hotel.”
“No!” Lexi cried and looked at me with wide fearful eyes. “I mean, you guys could stay with me…” Her voice was weak and scared. “I’m sure I’ll be getting out of here today.” She looked to Ethan for confirmation and he nodded. Then her voice became a little louder like she was trying to be brave. “And there’s no reason for you to stay at a hotel. I have a big bed and a fold-out couch.” Her eyes were pleading. It was evident that she didn’t want to be alone right now. I looked up at Ethan and he sighed.
“We’ll stay with you, darlin’.” She relaxed visibly as Ethan and I continued to hold her hands.
“She’s asleep, finally.” I whispered to Ethan as I closed Lexi’s bedroom door. It had taken nearly an hour of holding and soothing Lexi to get her to sleep. “I know she’s glad to be home, but I think we should talk to her about moving in with us for a while.”
“I’ve already arranged for movers for her apartment. I was going to go to the college today to discuss a leave for her. I’m also going to set up scholarships for the guys that saved her. It’s the least I can do for them,” he said, a little distracted as he went through his Blackberry.
“Ethan,” I said sternly and he looked up. “You can’t move her without talking to her about it first. She may want to stay in New York.”
“Of course she won’t want to stay in New York. She needs to be near us where we can protect her, watch over her.” Wringing his hands now, the Blackberry forgotten, his face was tense.
“We still need to talk to her about what she wants,” I said gently. Ethan was so out of his element, his fierce need to control everything in his life was tested in the worst way and he wanted to take charge and fix what was wrong. The problem was he couldn’t fix it. The only thing that was going to help Lexi was time and our support. She had her control taken in the worst possible way and she needed to find that again – not be managed by Ethan.
“I’m going for a walk,” he said abruptly and left the apartment. Sighing, I heard Lexi calling out in her sleep. When I got to her, she was sitting bolt upright in bed, wiping the tears from her face. Kicking off my shoes, I crawled into the bed next to her and held my arms open for her to scramble into them. As I folded her into my embrace, I felt her shaking with silent sobs. I kissed the top of her head and cradled her as she cried.
When I awoke a few hours later, Lexi wasn’t in bed with me. I heard her voice from somewhere nearby. It sounded like she was upset.
“Ethan, you’re not my father or my husband. You can’t make decisions for me.” Her voice trembled and I could tell she was trying to keep calm.
“You are all alone here. You aren’t safe. Please, Lexi,” Ethan replied and I could tell that he was just as upset.
“I only have two more semesters. I worked so hard to be able to graduate early and I’m not going to mess that up. I’m not letting that guy run me out of the life I’ve built here. They caught him, it’s over,” she finished quietly. That morning she had gotten the call informing her th
at the guy had been caught and identified by the good Samaritans. Apparently, they had beaten him pretty badly before he ran and he was picked up at a local hospital.
“You can finish anywhere, Lexi. Please…” he begged and then sighed. She must have shaken her head. A minute later, I heard a door slam and Lexi returned to the bedroom. Seeing I was awake, she lay down on the bed with her head on my stomach and I ran my fingers through her hair.
“You think I should move back too, don’t you?” She took a deep, shaking breath and blew it out. I knew she was frustrated and scared with the current situation.
“I would be lying if I said I didn’t want you to move back. But as you said, you only have one more year. If you want to stay, it would probably be better for you. But it does kill me to see you out here alone and scared, Lexi.” I stroked her face gently and she leaned into my palm. “You need to do what’s best for Lexi, not what’s best for me or Ethan. He would throw you over his shoulder and get on a plane if he thought he could keep you in Washington.” She giggled at the thought.
“Thanks, Jayden,” she said after a minute and reached over to take my other hand. We lay like that for nearly half an hour, not speaking, just holding hands, content in being close. Then, we heard the front door open and close again, but it was a few minutes before Ethan joined us in the bedroom, standing in the doorway, leaning against the jam. His hair was disheveled and his hands were shoved in his pockets. He looked at the floor for several minutes and then, without looking up, said, “I’m sorry, Lexi.”
“I know. I also know that it’s because you care about me.” She got off the bed, went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist as he rested his cheek against her hair. They stayed like that for several minutes and I found that rather than it making me jealous or angry, it comforted me. “Let’s stay in and do something, I’m not really up to going out yet.”
