… You are so right! I know a lot of folks swallow that old line when it gets thrown at them! … Don’t I see ’em grinnin’ and smilin’ with that thank-you-so-much look on their faces! But if the fools only knew that as soon as they turned their back another name was pinned on them they’d grin out of the other side of their mouth. No, nobody is gonna get in my good graces by tellin’ me that some other folk is so distasteful to them that I look nice by comparison! We gotta straighten these name-callers out!
OLD AS THE HILLS
GIRL, WHAT HAPPENS to people in a bargain basement when a sale is goin’ on? … It was all I could do to get to the counters or a dress rack! … Yes, indeed, Crumbley’s had one bang-up sale today. It was so jam-crowded and tempers was so short that I decided I’d better get out of there before I got in a fist fight!
Eddie is plannin’ on takin’ me to Marybelle’s club dance, so I thought I’d better get me a new frock to match the occasion. It is so rare that he will actually pick up and go to a dance, or rather, I should say that it’s so rare that he will be here in town when one is goin’ on. I figured that by the time he sees me in a new dress, he will figure that the dance was a worthwhile idea.
I saw this gorgeous, green evenin’ gown hangin’ there on the rack, and I managed to get to it. Soon as I had it in my hand, another woman reached out for it, and said, “I want that dress!” So I says, “That makes two of us!” Oh, she was some nasty! “I was here first!” she says, and I went on to agree with her, “Yes, you were honey, by the looks of you, I’d say that you were here about twenty years before I was!” Oh, my, but that made her hot! She stood there sputterin’ and stammerin’ and blushed all red in the face. All of a sudden
I had a funny feelin’ that made me know I shouldn’t of said that, and I put the dress back on the rack and went away.
I saw some hats on a counter just as I was leavin’ the store, so I pushed my way over and picked up a nice little blue felt. A girl that was standin’ over on the opposite side said, “Miss, may I have that hat, please, I was tryin’ to reach it!” “No!” I says, “you may not. Don’t you see me standin’ here, holdin’ it in my hand!” So her little girlfriend who was with her pipes up, “Oh, snatch it from her!” … Oh, I was ready for her, “Let all snatchers come on up here to me one at a time, and I’ll take care of ’em! First come, first served!” I hollered. Then the number one little girl says to her friend, “Ignore her, she must be at least thirty-five. When you’re that old, you get desperate.”
No, Marge, I didn’t buy a thing. The whole time I was ridin’ along on the bus I got to thinkin’ ’bout how people can ride women ’bout their age. Soon as I got in a fuss about that dress, I had to tell the woman about her age and soon’s those young girls started arguin’ with me, they jumped me ’bout my age! Why are we so quick to abuse folks about how old they are and talk about years like it’s criminal to get older?
I also got to thinkin’ ’bout all those sayin’s about age like “old as the hills,” “a old has-been,” “old and doddery,” “been here since the flood!” Why I have even heard folk make nasty cracks when they are askin’ about a old person. They will say, “Oh, is he still here?” Why, Marge, why are we so mean to people and get so aggravated about ’em gettin’ older? Where did we learn such meanness? Where did we get the idea of insultin’ folks by pointin’ out their age? That’s the silliest thing you ever heard of!
Well, there I was ridin’ along and thinkin’ my thoughts when a elderly man came and sat down by me…. No, he didn’t say anything, he just went to readin’ his newspaper and after a while he got off at his stop. He left the paper on the seat by me and I picked it up. It was turned to the “help wanted” section and after readin’ it a while, I could see why the poor fellow had left it on the seat!
Most of those ads wanted people between the age of eighteen and thirty-five. Now most folks in their forties can get away with puttin’ their age back to the thirties, but if you’re fifty or more, shame on you! Why is that?
Well, I guess the boss figures that most people have been wore out by the time they are forty, wore out with eatin’ the wrong kind of food, walkin’ up too many flights of stairs, skimpin’ and skrimpin’ pennies, and in other words just plain harassed to death!
… Of course, other folks besides bosses act real mean about age, too. I don’t know why ’cause everybody keeps gettin’ older from the time they are born ’til the day they die. It seems that we think youth is some special accomplishment brought about by the individual himself!
… That’s right! On the other hand, we make fun of folks who go to a lot of time and trouble tryin’ to stay young lookin’! All you have to do is read these want-ads and you’ll see that them folks that are tryin’ to stay young have got more on their minds than pure vanity!
I’m tellin’ you! People advancin’ in age had better stick together if they want to eat and pay rent, and when I say people advancin’, that means everybody, young, old or in-between.
Them years go a lot faster than we might think and the best way for a young man to prepare for his old age is to see that older folks get a square deal before the years creep up on him and catch him in the same spot. If he does that, he will have nothin’ to worry about and also will not have to work free for his children in exchange for room and board. How ’bout that?
MRS. JAMES
WELL MARGE, you haven’t heard anything! You should hear the woman I work for … she’s really something. Calls herself “Mrs. James!” All the time she says “Mrs. James.”
The first day I was there she come into the kitchen and says, “Mildred, Mrs. James would like you to clean the pantry,” Well I looked ’round to see if she meant her mother-in-law or somebody and then she adds, “If anyone calls, Mrs. James is out shopping.” And with that she sashays out the door.
Now she keeps on talking that way all the time, the whole time I’m there. That woman wouldn’t say “I” or “me” for nothing in the world. The way I look at it … I guess she thought it would be too personal.
Now Marge, you know I don’t work Saturdays for nobody! Well sir! Last Friday she breezed in the kitchen and fussed around a little … movin’ first the salt and then the pepper, I could feel something brewin’ in the air. Next thing you know she speaks up. “Mildred,” she says, “Mrs. James will need you this Saturday.” I was polishin’ silver at the time but I turned around and looked her dead in the eye and said, “Mildred does not work on Saturdays.”
Well, for the rest of the day things went along kind of quiet-like but just before time for me to go home she drifted by the linen closet to check the raffle on a guest towel and threw in her two cents more. “Mildred,” she says, “a depression might do this country some good, then some people might work eight days a week and be glad for the chance to do it.”
I didn’t bat an eyelash, but about 15 minutes later when I was headin’ for home, I stopped off at the living room and called to her, “That’s very true, but on the other hand some folks might be doin’ their own housework … don’tcha know.” With that and a cool “goodnight” I gently went out the front door….
Oh, but we get along fine now…. Just fine!
HANDS
THAT’S A PRETTY SHAPE of nail polish, Marge…. Oh, don’t belittle your hands, child—I think they are lovely. Yes, I know you get tired of being a house servant…. Yes, you should have every right to be as much as you can be. But when you come to think of it, everyone who works is a servant. Why, we couldn’t live without the hands and minds of millions of people.
Now you just look at anything in the room or in this apartment and try to point out something that working people didn’t have their hands in…. Well, you can stutter and stammer all you please, ’cause you can’t name a solitary thing, be it cheap or expensive.
Take that chair you’re sittin’ on…. Can’t you see the story behind it? The men in the forests sawin’ down the trees … the log rollers … the lumber-mill ha
nds cuttin’ up the planks … people mixin’ up varnishes and paints … the artists drawin’ the designs … all the folks drivin’ trains and trucks to carry ’em … the loaders liftin’ them off and on … all the clerks writin’ down how many there are and where they’re goin’—and I bet that’s not half of the story.
Now Marge, you can take any article and trace it back like that and you’ll see the power and beauty of laboring hands.
This tablecloth began in some cotton field tended in the burning sun, cleaned and baled, spun and bleached, dyed and woven. Find the story, Marge, behind the lettuce and tomato sandwich, your pots and pans, the linoleum on the floor, your dishes, the bottle of nail polish, your stove, the electric light, books, cigarettes, boxes, the floor we’re standin’ on, this brick building, the concrete sidewalks, the aeroplanes overhead, automobiles, the miles of pipe running under the ground, that mirror on the wall, your clock, the canned goods on your shelf, and the shelf itself. Why, you could just go on through all the rest of time singin’ the praises of hands.
So you can see we are all servants and got a lot in common … and that’s why folks need unions. Well, for example, Marge, suppose all you had was money and you wanted to make some more money…. Oh hush, girl! I know you wouldn’t, but let’s suppose…. Well, you’d hire ten people without any money who knew how to make tablecloths … and you’d sell them for four hundred dollars and pay the folks who made them one hundred of that…. Marge, I didn’t say you would do that…. I’m only pretendin’…. Well, never fear, honey, we would form a union and tell you we wouldn’t sew any more for you until you paid us fair … and then you’d either do that or make nothin’!
Now, contrary to some opinion, I contend that healthy folks love to work, but “a servant is worthy of his hire” … and they want decent pay and clean places to work where they won’t be burnt up in no fire trap building, they want a little time to rest and enough pay to buy and enjoy some of the wonderful things they have made.
Yes, indeed, girl—I do get so tired of hearin’ folks say, “I’m just an ordinary workin’ man.” Why, workin’ people are the grandest folks in the whole wide world. They set the steamships on the ocean and the lighthouse on the land, they give us our breakfast coffee and a roof over our heads at night…. That’s right, Marge, when workin’ folks get together it should be with the highest respect for one another because it is the work of their hands that keeps the world alive and kickin’.
Oh, Marge, what do you mean “you guess they’re right nice.” … I told you before … YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL HANDS!
ALL THE THINGS WE ARE
COME ON IN. MARGE! The coffee pot’s on and I’m just sittin’ here relaxin’ over a magazine…. Tell me, if I was to buy a car would you envy me? … No, I’m not sayin’ that you have a jealous nature, but this ad here says to buy this shiny car and be the envy of all my friends…. No, I don’t usually buy such dicty readin’ matter but this headline on the outside of it caught my eye…. Yes, it says: “Make Yourself Over.” No, I’m not tryin’ to run away from myself but you know, sometimes we do let ourselves go and it crossed my mind that I oughta take that fifty dollars out of my savin’ account and spend it on yours truly…. Sure, life is short and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with Mildred doin’ for Mildred sometimes.
Well, I bought the book in order to help me make up my mind just where and how to spend the money…. No, I haven’t decided yet ’cause the more I read, the more disheartened I get…. Well, for an instance, I should get a good perfume like this one here…. No, I will not move my hand from over the price mark. I want you to guess how much it costs. It’s called “Wild Enthusiasm” and it costs forty-five dollars a ounce…. Well, there you are! I’d be smellin’ real nice but lookin’ just the same with only five dollars left for makin’ me over. It is mighty expensive but just look what it does: “Will make him lose his mind and reason at first meeting…. The magic of bottled moonbeams drawn from the everlasting fountain of youth … maddening … ravishing … wicked … tantalizing …” and so on. But I guess I won’t get any of it. If it does all of that, I guess it would be dangerous to walk the street. Be like takin’ your life in your hands, so to speak…. Yes, girl, makin’ myself over ain’t too easy…. See here, I need all these hormones in my cold cream and of course that jacks the price way up ’cause you can’t buy none of that in the five-and-dime store, and since I’m a wee bit flat-chested, I’m supposed to buy “falsies.” See, these are called “Just Between Us Two” and costs twelve dollars and ninety-five cents. No, I won’t buy it … I guess I couldn’t carry it off quite, and there I’d be with twelve wasted dollars on my conscience, or should I say off my chest! … I guess I may’s well leave the fifty where it is for the time bein’…. Now dig this! In order to remake me, I have to have a manicure, a pedicure, my hair styled, a new girdle, foundation cream, night cream, day cream, bath lotion, bath salts, fingernail cream, toenail cream, toilet water, sachet, soap, bath oil, rouge, powder, hair remover, hair grower, curlers, straighteners, eyebrow pencil and … Oh honey, don’t talk about the clothes! … I’ll have to have a hostess gown, a playsuit, a evening dress, a dress suit, town dresses, country dresses, city dresses, a sport suit, a bathing suit, a bathrobe, nightgowns, slips, blouses, skirts and … No, I haven’t forgotten my mind at all, but give me a chance. I’ll have to join a book club, a record club, a picture club. Yes, and then I’ll have to see the latest plays, movies, lectures, and … You see there! … I’m forgettin’ the most important thing of all…. Yes, time! I should have one hour a day just to loll aroun’ in my scented tub while I think pretty thoughts. I need time to shop carefully and make sure that I’m buyin’ only the things that suit my very own personality. I need time to plan well-balanced meals, I need time to go to the drug store and buy vitamins and all them toiletries. I need time to purchase newspapers and more magazines. I need time to do some volunteer work for churches and clubs, and I need time to answer all mail promptly and keep up with invitations and entertain lightly after the theatre and make myself into the ideal American woman and … What? … Girl, I had no idea it was gettin’ so late! And here I have to make early time in the morning and be over on the East Side at eight o’clock sharp! … Pour the coffee, Marge! I guess I’ll have to put up with bein’ myself for a long while to come. But I can’t help wonderin’ about the women who go through that routine all the time … I mean … when it’s all over, what have you got? … You’re right. Like the song says: “Another day older and deeper in debt!”
I LIKED WORKIN’ AT THAT PLACE …
I‘LL HAVE TO ADMIT that I’m not wild about housework, but on the other hand I must also say that I’m good at it. You know what I mean, Marge. I don’t short-change anybody and I don’t expect them to be short-changin’ me. I’m a pretty good cook, too, and I do take pride in fixin’ a dish so that it looks as fine as it tastes. And when I clean up, you can tell that the place has been done, but I can get awful evil with folks that try to put me at a disadvantage. Oh, I’ve had lots of tricks pulled on me like people settin’ back the clock in the middle of the afternoon in order to get a free half-hour on me.
Workin’ for Mrs. L … was really kind of all right, but it took me a long time to catch on to her ways. I remember one afternoon last summer I was just gettin’ ready to leave and it was hot as blazes. Mrs. L … strolls into the kitchen holdin’ out a black organdy dress on a hanger. “Don’t you think I should wear this instead of my white suit?” she asked. “No mam,” I said real fast, “I think your white suit is just the right thing.” “I don’t know,” she says, “it seems to me that the suit would be too warm.” “No, no,” I says, “it might turn cool later on and the first thing you know you’ll catch a cold.” She shook her head then. “I’ll swelter in this suit. I’d better wear the organdy. After all, I can carry a stole to throw around my shoulders.” “Well, I guess you know best,” I told her, “but if it was me, I’d stick to that suit.”
Now, Marge,
the whole time we was talkin’ I had one eye on the ironin’ board which was still warm from me pressin’ that suit and the one thought uppermost in my mind was how I could keep from ironin’ that old long, ruffly organdy dress.
The next thing she asked was, “Does the dress look crushed?” “Oh no,” I says real quick, “it seems fresh to me.” Now I must admit, Marge, that it did need the touch of a iron here and there, but time was passin’, the temperature was risin’ and I was a mite on the tired side. “Well,” she says, “I think it needs to be ironed.” And with that she plugs the iron in the wall again, so I reached over to take the dress from her, but she holds on to it real tight and says, “I will iron it.” “That’s all right, Miss L …,” I said, “it’s awful hot today, I’ll do it.”
Marge, she looked at me kind of funny and then said somethin’ real nice. “I don’t feel the heat any more than you do, and if it’s hot for me, it’s hot for you too.” And then she went on and ironed that dress.
Another time I remember was one mornin’ when I just couldn’t make it to her house at nine o’clock because there was a big winter coat sale down at Crumbley’s Department Store, and I just had to get down and find me one. I called her up and told her that my sister had took quite sick, and I wouldn’t be able to get to her until noon. Well, honey, when I got out to her place she was nice as could be, but she didn’t say anything about my sister or ask me any questions.
That evenin’ when I was leavin’ she says real nice-like, “Mildred, if you ever have anything to do and would like to change your hours around a bit, I won’t mind because you can always make up the time like you did this evenin’.” And after that I never made up any stories about illness or death and one time when Eddie came in town unexpected-like, I told her about it and took the day off. Well, the followin’ week I worked for her three days instead of two, and I must say that she was always nice about things like that and I really felt free and easy around her.
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