by Owen Thomas
“I want him to apologize for showing no interest in me or things that interest me. It’s always about him. What interests him. What he’s doing. What he cares about.”
“What do you care about?”
“What do you mean? Lots of things.”
“Well, what interests do you have that you’d like Hollis to care more about?”
“Lots of things.”
“Okay.”
“Like … I don’t know. Just normal interests. There are things we need to do around the house. The yard is a mess. And travel, I like traveling to other places. I’ve never even been to Europe. I do all the birthdays and I do Christmas. He always tells me that’s my deal, not his. Well, it’s our family. It should be our deal. That’s what I think, Beverly. We’re having this big party for Tilly on Saturday, you know, to celebrate her nomination, and he won’t lift a finger. He told me it’s a stupid idea because Tilly isn’t coming. But then he just shrugs his shoulders like he’s so above it all. Have a party. Don’t have a party. That’s all your deal, Susan, not mine. ”
“Okay. What else do you…”
“And you know what he will do at this party, Beverly?”
“What?”
“He’ll be this smooth-talking, warm, gracious host that everybody loves to talk to. Good ol’ Hollis. Everybody loves Hollis.”
“And this is bad?”
“Yes. No, not bad. Frustrating.”
“Because nobody can see.”
“Yes! They’ll all think he is so interesting and so funny and so charming. And he’ll drink way too much wine and never show that he is actually intoxicated. They’ll all think he is so wise and knowledgeable and engaging. They’ll all thank him for a lovely party, Beverly! They’ll thank him! And as I am cleaning everything up at two in the morning he’ll disappear without a word. He’ll go to bed or fall asleep in his study with a glass in his hand and the music on and won’t give me so much as a good night handshake. It just makes me so angry … sad … Oh, I don’t know.”
“Okay. Does he sleep in his study too?”
“Sometimes.”
“Can I ask you if you and Hollis are still intimate?”
“Intimate? You mean…oh.”
“Something wrong?”
“No, no. I think we’re too old for that. I’m not looking for that.”
“Why aren’t you looking for that? Lots and lots of people your age have happy and healthy sex lives. Does sex really no longer interest you?”
“I think it no longer interests him.”
“Maybe, but I didn’t ask about Hollis. I asked about you.”
“I don’t know. I don’t… all I know is that he shows no signs… of… I don’t know if he can still… you know.”
“Mmm.”
“I don’t push him. I’d settle for a whole lot less, believe me.”
“Do you think that maybe that’s part of the problem?”
“What?”
“That you’ve allowed yourself to settle for a whole lot less in your marriage than is healthy? That you have not been pushing?”
“For sex?”
“For anything you want. For anything you think is important.”
“…”
“Something to think about maybe. What else do you want him to apologize for?”
“For losing all interest in being a husband. A partner. You know what I mean, Beverly? A partner. A partner! I’m sorry, I … I keep doing this.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay to be upset. There’s tissue behind you. What’s next?”
“What was that? Four?”
“That was three.”
“Okay. I want him to apologize for keeping Tilly away.”
“Okay.”
“She won’t come home. She doesn’t like to be with us. Even David. He still comes around, but he avoids us. He came by the other night to take our other son, Ben, out to the movie and instead of coming through the front door and saying, you know, Hi Mom, Hi Dad, how’s it going, you know, normal stuff, he sneaks Ben out the back window. The back window! Like he’s some sort of kidnapper. We were worried sick. I was worried sick. Anyway, so, yes, even David sort of avoids us. But at least we see him every so often. But, Tilly. We haven’t seen her in a long time.”
“And you think that’s because of Hollis?”
“Well, I’m not really sure what David’s problem is; maybe he just doesn’t like being around us. We’ve done a lot of fighting in front of David. I feel really bad about that. Guilty, you know? But Tilly, I think she just doesn’t like her father.”
“And why do you think that is, Susan?”
“She won’t come home until he agrees to come to marital counseling with me.”
“Well, you told me that. But do you think that’s it or does it go deeper?”
“Oh, no. It started way before the whole counseling standoff thing. That’s just the most recent episode. That’s just the latest excuse.”
“Well that’s kind of what I suspected.”
“Tilly and Hollis had problems with each other going way back. High school was a nightmare.”
“Like how?”
“She never seemed to like to date boys her own age, for one thing. As a freshman, she was dating seniors. The last two years of high school she was dating college boys.”
“And I take it that Hollis was not thrilled about this preference for older boys.”
“Yes. You could say that.”
“Okay.”
“And Tilly certainly did not make it easy on him. It was like she was rubbing his nose in it. She always brought them by the house, these boys, seemed like a new one every couple of months, and they’d disappear into her room for an hour or two with the music way up. You know.”
“The imagination races.”
“Yes. And Hollis would come home from work and would have to deal with the fact that he couldn’t really do anything about it. She was going to see these boys whether it was under our noses or not. He tried reasoning with her. He tried scaring her with stories about what a pregnancy or a disease would do to her life. Once he threatened to kick her out of the house unless she stopped seeing this one guy. That was the one in fire-fighting school. She left home for three days just to show him that threatening would not work on her. Eventually, he just seemed to wash his hands of her. He’d tried his best and that was it. Whatever happened, happened.”
“So they fought a lot?”
“Oh yes. Whenever she chose to be home, they sniped at each other. He refused to acknowledge that she could do anything right, ever, or that she had an ounce of common sense. Poor girl. Although Tilly is tough. She has a lot of grit. She stood up to Hollis. She refused to act like he had any authority over her. They took turns rejecting each other. It was awful.”
“I see. And you say this began in high school.”
“Oh no. It was at its worst in high school, but it started when she was much younger. And I don’t really know what started it. I think it was just one of those things that developed. She just sort of grew up not liking him very much and then he kind of reacted to that dislike. Am I making any sense?”
“Yes. I think so. Were they ever close? Or like a normal father and daughter?”
“Oh my, yes. When Tilly was little, you know, up to nine or ten or so, they were very close. We were all pretty close back then. He really could be a great father when he wanted to be. David was in high school. Hollis was doing very well at the bank. We didn’t have Ben yet.”
“So what happened, do you think? What set it off?”
“I don’t know. Probably not any one, single thing, you know? Probably lots of things. I remember how upset she was when she didn’t get her fish. Oh lord, she went on about that for months.”
“Fish.”
“She got it in her mind when she was about nine or ten or so that she absolutely had to have a bowl of fish. One of her friends had some, I think. And she nagged and whined about how she would just die if she didn’t
get some fish like her friend.”
“Boy does that sound familiar.”
“You too?”
“With Monica it was always about kittens. Had to have the kittens.”
“Right, well with Tilly it was the fish. I forget what kind, but there was a certain kind and certain colors and all of that. So Hollis promised her some fish if she brought home good grades from school. And Tilly has always been a very smart girl, just razor sharp, I mean when she wanted to be, this kid was like a tack.”
“Takes after her mother, I guess.”
“Thank you, Beverly. Thank you for that.”
“Please go on.”
“So Tilly knuckled down and brought home straight A’s and one B. And so Hollis said she could have some fish, and Tilly made this thing to decorate the aquarium and she cut out pictures of fish and taped them up all over her room. And Hollis was going to take her out to pick out her fish, and then he couldn’t because of something at work, and so he kept saying he would do it and it kept getting delayed. So there was all of this anticipation building in Tilly waiting for this big day. I mean, I would have done it. I wasn’t real keen on the fish idea. I figured they would all be dead in a week, but I put that aside and I offered to take her to the pet store. But Hollis refused. He told me that it was his deal. His deal. He still likes to say that. Susan, this is my deal so just leave it alone. So I backed off and let him deal with it.”
“I thought you said the fish never happened.”
“The fish never happened. Before Hollis ever got around to it, Tilly got caught playing hooky from school. Just walked off the playground, slipped under the fence, and took off. I don’t remember why. Some mischief with her friends I think. Anyway, that was it. Hollis laid down the law and decided to teach her a lesson and refused to get her any fish. He over-reacted if you ask me. I mean there were other things he could have done. No television. No friends over. Something. But he picked the fish.”
“And Tilly took it hard?”
“Very.”
“And you think that started it?”
“Oh, it was probably a bunch of things. I don’t think it was just the fish.”
“So, no fish.”
“No. Eventually she declared that she hated the very idea of pet fish. That is so Tilly. It was just a way of getting back at her father. You know. But she stuck to her guns. Never asked again. He tried to make it up to her, but she wouldn’t budge.”
“She sounds like a very head-strong little girl.”
“You have no idea.”
“Okay, let’s keep going here. What is the last item on your apology list Hollis?”
“I don’t know. There are so many.”
“One more.”
“I … I want him to apologize for wanting to move on in his life without me.”
“How so?”
“He likes to talk about new experiences. Learning and doing things on his own. Without me. Which is okay, I guess. I’m not asking that we become suddenly joined at the hip it’s just that it seems like the idea of doing things with me is …”
“What. Susan. Look at me. What?”
“Is repulsive or horrible or something. I feel like I have a disease, Beverly.”
“It’s okay. Take your time. I know this is painful stuff.”
“Like he can have me or he can have a good and interesting life, but he can’t have both. I want him to apologize for wanting so desperately to move on without me.”
“Has he ever asked you for a divorce?”
“No.”
“If he really dislikes you, Susan, why do you think he hasn’t actually ended it?”
“I don’t know. Convenience maybe. Ben maybe.”
“He’s protecting Ben?”
“He loves Ben to death. We all love Ben.”
“And why haven’t you asked for a divorce? Is that also because of Ben?”
“I haven’t asked for a divorce because I don’t want a divorce.”
“So you still love Hollis?”
“I’ve always loved Hollis. I still love Hollis. But I also hate him. And loving him is killing me. I feel like I’m withering away.”
“What do you think would happen if you made a decision to be more emotionally independent and started to act more emotionally independent?”
“I don’t understand.”
“What if you simply stopped looking to Hollis as a husband and a partner in life?”
“But I really am not interested in divorce. I just …”
“Not divorce. What if you simply started looking elsewhere to fulfill your needs?”
“You mean … like an affair?”
“Lots of women have them. How would Hollis react to that?”
“Oh … oh, he’d … he’d be furious. He’d never speak to me again.”
“Don’t be offended Susan. I’m not advocating an affair. I’m just exploring your feelings. Has Hollis always been faithful?”
“Well, yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Quite sure. You would have to know Hollis. He’d never have an affair.”
“What makes you think so?”
“Because… he just wouldn’t.”
“Because he loves you too much? Because he wouldn’t want to hurt you?”
“Well, I’d like to think so, but I know better. It’s because Hollis judges people. He thinks of himself as better, wiser, above those sorts of urges and misjudgments, and he would never want to be one of those people. You know what I mean?”
“I think so, yes.”
“He’s a banker at heart. He lives by balance sheets and audits. Everything always has to add up. Everything has to balance out, ready for scrutiny. He avoids all error like the plague. He prided himself on having a spotless desk at the end of every workday. He pays our taxes early. We have known people who have had affairs and Hollis holds them in such … such … contempt. I mean like really kind of …extreme. He sees infidelity as a weakness; as something low. You know what I mean? Dishonorable. A flaw of character. A moral failing. Contemptible. It is not a mistake he would ever make.”
“And yet, mistakes do happen.”
“Not Hollis.”
“Think about the Oreo’s. Think about the Spice Channel, Susan. Not because it’s about sex, but because it’s about television; the worst kind of television. That’s a long ways away from the Wall Street Journal. This is a lowly indulgence when nobody’s around to see it. Do you understand? I’m not saying Hollis is having an affair. I have no reason to believe that. What I’m saying is that you have this strangely fractured view of him. On the one hand, you seem to have a very accurate, unvarnished understanding of who he is, in spite of his self-promotion and his efforts to mystify himself to others. On the other hand, I am a little concerned that you’re taking too much to heart the idea that he is better than you; that he doesn’t have the same flaws and foibles as anyone else. You’ve bought into the premise that you are somehow undeserving of his attention.”
“I am deserving. I know that.”
“Well, yes, you know that, but I’m concerned that maybe you don’t believe it. We know all kinds of things we don’t believe.”
“Hmm.”
“I think your apology list is terrific. And very revealing.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You need more attention, Susan. You don’t need Hollis’ permission to feel good about yourself. You do not need Hollis’ permission to enjoy your life. It would be wonderful if he could support you more. But he does not sound very supportive.”
“No.”
“If Hollis is not going to be supportive, then you need to find that support someplace else. Starting with yourself. You are the authority on you. Maybe you should stop looking to Hollis for validation. It’s your life, so live it. Two can play at this game.”
“Mmm.”
“I want to find someone who is uniquely you. Who is Susan Johns? You need to explore who you really are and to pursue thos
e personal interests with gusto. Stop trying to glom yourself onto Hollis’ life; you’re just setting yourself up for rejection. If he is going to pursue bonsai pruning … really?”
“Really.”
“Okay, well, if he is going to pursue bonsai pruning, what are you going to pursue? Pick a direction and go with it. If he doesn’t want to join you, then that’s his prerogative and it’s his loss. You’re a person before you’re a wife.”
“I am, aren’t I?”
“Yes. So let’s make a change. But we’re not going to try to change Hollis. Okay? Let me repeat that: we are not going to change Hollis. Trying to change someone else is almost always an exercise in futility. Only Hollis can change Hollis. We’re going to change you. We’re going to change what you think about yourself. You’ve got to re-identify who you are.”
“How?”
“Let me ask you this. Have you ever asked Hollis to apologize for any of the things on your list?”
“No.”
“You might think about that. If you feel you are entitled to an apology then be a self-respecting person and demand an apology.”
“He’d never apologize, Beverly.”
“He doesn’t have to, Susan. The power is in the self-assertion. Long-suffering, unappreciated, sacrificing wives do not insist upon apologies. They may whine about how life isn’t fair. Chart your own course and pack you’re your own bags and dictate your own terms and say it like you mean it.”
“I don’t know…”
“A wife is just a married female. Assert yourself as a person, not as a wife; as an equal who is capable of fully independent and spontaneous change of direction, and not as a child waiting for a ride to the mall. You will feel better, I promise. No matter what he says, you will feel better.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. And who knows, Susan, if Hollis sees that kind of strength; that kind of independence … he just might decide you are worth his respect. You said you were once a leader. So lead.”
“And if he chooses not to follow?”
“Then maybe you’re better off anyway.”
“Hmm.”
CHAPTER 12 – Hollis
Never one to sleep in, even on weekends, Hollis Johns arose early. Sleeping in was a harbinger of creeping indolence. It foretold a lack of caring. A taking of things, everything, for granted.
