Dylan shook off the thought, burying it deep.
His hands groped, fumbled to unclasp her bra, while his tongue thrust against hers in a heated mating that was slowly taking over him. When her breasts were free, Dylan released her mouth, forcing her back as his gaze raked the smooth swell of her breasts, the sweetly puckered nipples. His hands had a mind of their own, roaming over her, desperate for more. He fought to hold on as Sarah jerked her shirt and bra from her body, dropping them both to the floor.
Another step and he was pushing her against the wall, his brain coming online long enough to send instructions to his hand to cradle the back of her head, not wanting to hurt her but needing her in every way a man needed a woman.
“I need you,” he stated, wanting her to understand how much. “Need. You.”
With his eyes still closed, Dylan roughly stroked his dick as he thought about that night. The cool air washed over his overheated skin as he jacked off to those mental images that overwhelmed him. God, what he wouldn’t give to feel Sarah’s hands on him, her mouth, the tight grip of her cunt wrapping around his dick.
His hand tightened around his cock as he jerked harder, faster. He pretended Sarah was there, her luscious lips wrapped around the head of his cock…
“Fuck, yes,” he hissed as his dick jerked in his fist. He came, thick spurts of cum spraying his stomach.
It took several minutes to get his breathing under control. When he did, he forced his eyes open. He was still in his bedroom and there was no warm, willing woman at his side. If he had to guess, Sarah was at work. Hell, he didn’t even know what she did for a living these days. He remembered Jake mentioning that she’d quit her teaching job, but the kid never said why or what she was doing now.
Damn, he needed a drink. Something to free his mind of this hellish hold those memories had on him.
Dylan glanced over at his phone, then reached for it. He instantly pulled up Alex’s number and typed a quick text.
Dylan: Hey, man. Gonna be out of the office today.
Alex: No worries. It’s slow right now. Something wrong?
Everything was wrong, but Dylan wasn’t about to tell Alex that. No reason for him to worry. Dylan had it all under control.
Dylan: All good. Just need to find an AA meeting today.
Alex: If you need anything at all, I’m here. Just remember that.
Dylan: I’m good. Swear it.
Or he would be, just as soon as he found a meeting and figured out a way to banish the thoughts of Sarah.
Without taking a drink.
“SARAH?”
Sarah lifted her gaze and met Elaine’s concerned look. “Hmm?”
“How did it feel seeing Dylan after all this time?”
She took a deep breath. It was her own fault she was hashing out these feelings with her therapist. As soon as she woke up this morning, Sarah had called Elaine and asked if she could come in for a session. She needed to talk to someone, and since she wasn’t ready to share her feelings with her mother or her best friend, Elaine was her only option.
“Confused,” she admitted. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy to see him, but I didn’t expect to have all these emotions”—Sarah gestured toward her chest—“building up.”
“Describe the emotions,” Elaine prompted.
“Anger, sorrow, anxiety.” She held Elaine’s stare. “I realized how much I missed him as soon as I saw him. I thought I was over him.”
“It’s okay that you missed him, Sarah. He played a significant role in your life.”
“But he walked out. He…”
“Abandoned you?” Elaine stated. “The way Paul did?”
“Not the same way, no.” Paul had killed himself. He had permanently removed himself from the world, leaving Sarah feeling completely helpless and alone. Dylan had simply walked away and never looked back.
“No, I agree. Not the same. But you still feel as though he abandoned you.”
“Yes, I do.”
“How do you feel about him? Seeing him for the first time, what were your immediate thoughts?”
“That he looked good,” Sarah admitted. “He doesn’t look quite so … sad.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
Sarah nodded. It was a good thing. No matter how much Dylan had hurt her, she still wanted him to heal from his pain.
“And are you thinking about Paul?”
“No.” Sarah dropped her eyes to her lap. “Yes. A little, I guess.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“About how he left me. About how he allowed his disease to win.”
“Today you’re angry with him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” Through the years, Sarah’s emotions had flip-flopped when it came to her husband. Some days she was sympathetic, wishing she could’ve helped him, hating the disease that had stolen his life. Other days she was angry that he hadn’t bothered to tell her what was going on. The fact that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder—something she had learned from his doctor after he had taken his own life—was something she felt he should’ve shared with her.
Of course, there were plenty of days she felt guilty. Guilty that she hadn’t known what was wrong with him or even how to help him.
“Do you wish you hadn’t seen Dylan at the party?”
Sarah shook her head. “In a way, I’m glad I did.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m hoping I can move on.”
“Do you want to move on?”
Sarah’s gaze snapped up to Elaine. “Of course I do.”
Elaine’s smile was soft. “I wasn’t stating otherwise, Sarah. In fact, I think you’ve made some rather significant changes in your life. Do you feel as though those changes helped you in seeing Dylan again?”
“Not really, no. I was instantly transported back to that night.”
“Are there things you want to say to him?”
Sarah considered that for a moment. “Nothing I’d want him to hear, no.”
Elaine placed her notepad on the small table beside her and sat up straight. “Let’s do an exercise. I want you to pretend that I’m Dylan. I want you to say the things that you don’t want to say to his face.”
Sarah was familiar with this method of Elaine’s. She’d done it numerous times over the years. Oddly enough, it usually did help.
“Okay.” She glanced around the room. “Do you mind if I stand up?”
Elaine gestured for her to do as she wanted.
Sarah forced herself to her feet and paced the floor, gathering her thoughts. When she stopped, she turned to Elaine and pretended she was Dylan.
“You hurt me.” She swallowed. “Although I don’t blame you for what happened between us, you still hurt me by leaving. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be there for you, but you wouldn’t let me. If I had known that I wouldn’t see you again, I would’ve done things differently.”
“Sarah?” Elaine’s tone was soft, comforting.
Sarah lifted an eyebrow.
“Are you talking to Dylan or Paul?”
She thought about what she’d said.
“I want you to do something,” Elaine began. “I want you to think about Dylan for a little while. Think about the things he has been through, the things he has done. You told me yourself that he’s an alcoholic.”
“He is.” Sarah took a seat once more.
“You’re a fixer, Sarah. But it isn’t your place to fix Dylan. If he wants help, he will ask for it. I want you to remember that he’s not Paul. You told me yourself that there wasn’t a commitment between the two of you.”
“There wasn’t. I was a willing participant.”
“Then don’t hold that against him. You need to focus on you.”
She knew that.
“You take so much on yourself, Sarah. But you need to remember that other people are responsible for their own actions. You are responsible for yourself.”
Sarah understood what Elaine was s
aying, but it was hard to agree.
“Do you feel responsible for your sister abandoning her son?”
Sarah swallowed hard. “No. She did that all on her own.”
“But you picked up the pieces because you didn’t want Jake to go without.”
Sarah nodded. That was true.
“And by doing that, you helped that little boy grow into a fine young man. And you learned early on that you couldn’t change Tara. You couldn’t make her want to be a mother. You couldn’t fix her, Sarah. The same way you couldn’t fix Paul and you can’t fix Dylan. But you can take care of yourself. You can do what makes you happy.”
“I know that.”
“Good. Then let’s work on that, shall we?”
Sarah nodded. It was the only thing she could do.
chapter FOUR
Four days later, Friday
“HI, MOM,” SARAH GREETED WHEN she saw her mother’s number on her phone screen.
“How are you?” Jillian’s chipper tone reflected the smile she likely had on her face.
“Good. You?” Sarah moved away from the large picture window she’d been staring out of, no longer lost in the inky darkness laid out before her.
“No complaints here,” her mother said. “Just checking on you.”
“Yeah?” Sarah loved that her mother still called every single night to see how she was. It wasn’t a new thing, either. Since the day Sarah had moved out of Jillian’s house, venturing out on her own her freshman year of college, Sarah had looked forward to talking to her mother. If someone asked who her true best friend was, Sarah would without a doubt say her mother. They were close. Always had been. Sure, there were times Jillian Davis could be overbearing and blunt, but that didn’t change the fact that Sarah loved her beyond words.
Growing up, Jillian had been Sarah’s, and her sister Tara’s, sole provider. Ever since Sarah’s father decided he needed more adventure in his life back when Sarah was in kindergarten and Tara was in second grade, Jillian had been a single mother. Oddly enough, Jillian didn’t seem to harbor any ill feelings toward Sarah’s father, but Sarah couldn’t say the same. She resented Geoff Davis for leaving them, even if she did look forward to what little time they spent together, usually at Thanksgiving, sometimes at Easter. Since he had quite the adventurous job traveling around the globe as a wildlife photographer, Sarah didn’t get to see him much. Even without her father, Sarah’s childhood had been a good one, and she knew that was all thanks to her mother. Jillian had doted on her two daughters, providing everything they needed, although she couldn’t afford much more than that.
“I figured since it’s Friday, maybe you had a date,” Jillian stated, a question in her voice. Her mother was nothing if not curious.
Sarah barked out a laugh. “Not tonight, no.”
“What happened to Bill?”
Sarah’s nose scrunched up at the mention of his name. She hadn’t seen Bill since Jake’s company party last weekend. After he’d driven her home, walked her to her door, and she’d rudely slammed it in his face… Sarah refused to think about how Bill had wanted to kiss her, about how he’d made her feel like a cheat and a fraud, because no matter what, she didn’t want his lips on hers ever again.
A shiver raced through her.
She needed to talk to Bill, to let him know that this wasn’t working between them. That she wasn’t in a place in her life for that kind of relationship. She knew he wanted more from her. What exactly he was looking for, she didn’t know. He was always trying to kiss her, to cop a feel, seeking intimacy although that was the last thing on Sarah’s mind.
He was a distraction, pure and simple.
Granted, they hadn’t been dating in the formal sense of the word, but they had gone out a few times when they’d first met. Their interaction had waned after about their third outing because she just wasn’t interested in him that way. However, she seemed to be tossing out mixed signals at every turn, and she knew she was the one making this harder on herself. Whatever they were doing, it was going nowhere fast. She felt absolutely zero attraction to the guy, and trying to convince herself she might one day was no longer working, either.
“I haven’t heard from him in a while.” It was a lie, but her mother didn’t know that.
“He went with you to Jake’s party, right?”
Okay, so maybe she did know. “Yes.”
But that wasn’t the last time. Sarah had heard from him this morning, actually. Bill had sent her a text message, asking if she wanted to spend the weekend with him. He told her that there was some sort of party—for the upper crust of the Dallas business world—and he’d received a highly coveted invitation and he was hoping she could attend as his plus one. His words.
Seriously. The guy was a car salesman. He wasn’t the owner, or even the general manager of the dealership, so she wasn’t sure where he came up with upper crust of the Dallas business world or how he factored into it at all. But what did she know… He had informed her he was salesman of the year two years running. At least three dozen times.
“Hmm.”
“What does that mean?” Sarah inquired, walking back to the window. The ripples in the pond behind her house were glittering in the moonlight. It was starting to rain again. With the temperatures dipping below freezing at night, it was possible they’d have ice to deal with tomorrow.
“Nothing,” Jillian offered with a chuckle. “Just sounds to me like you’re not telling the truth.”
Her mother had always been able to detect when Sarah was lying. Didn’t mean she was going to cop to it, though. “No lie,” she lied. “It’s not serious between us.”
And that was the truth. In the four months since she’d first gone out with Bill, Sarah had agreed to only five dates, one of which she’d invited him. Last weekend. But they’d shared dinner every time, nothing more. Well, except for the time he’d taken her to a movie. Not once had there been a single spark between them, so why she hadn’t simply broken it off with him, she couldn’t say.
“I hope you’ve given him a chance at least,” her mother said, her tone softer.
Ever since Paul had died, Jillian had been worried about her. Sarah understood that. It hadn’t been easy losing the man she’d thought she would spend the rest of her life with. In fact, before her mother had called tonight, Sarah’s thoughts of Paul had been making her feel the loneliness that had pretty much consumed her for the past six years.
“Sarah?”
“Sorry,” she replied. “Yes, I’ve given him a chance.”
“But?”
“But nothing. I just don’t … feel anything for him.”
“What about that New Year’s resolution you made? I thought you were going to see it through?”
Sarah chuckled at the memory. She’d been at her mother’s house on New Year’s, drinking sparkling apple juice while her mother and her mother’s friends played Cards Against Humanity in the kitchen and downed shots of whiskey. Sarah had opted for the alcohol-free night in an effort to keep an eye on the crazy ladies. When it got close to midnight, they’d all decided to make one resolution for the year and they had to say it aloud. Sarah’s had been a promise to go that extra step this year, to meander out into the world, to shake off the melancholy and get back to living life to its fullest. After all, what was the point of a complete physical overhaul if she was going to keep herself locked up in the house?
Well, she was nearly two weeks into the new year, and it felt as though time was quickly passing her by, and she still had no clue as to how she would fulfill that one simple resolution.
“I’m workin’ on it.” Another lie. The proof that she hadn’t followed through was the fact that, six years after her husband’s death, she was sitting at home on a Friday night. Alone.
“How’d that party go last weekend anyway? Jake hasn’t said much about it.”
“It was good,” she lied. Okay, so this conversation was going nowhere. One more lie and lightning might strike her where sh
e stood.
“Good? That sounds boring.” Jillian chuckled. “What are you hiding? Did you see Dylan?”
Oh, crap. Her mother would have to go and bring him up. The one man Sarah had been trying not to think about for the past three years. One of her biggest downfalls was that she’d spent too much time living in the past, and Dylan Thomas was definitely her past.
Unfortunately, it took little effort for her to vividly remember that heartbreaking night when Dylan had needed a shoulder to lean on, a night she desperately wished she could forget but secretly prayed she never did.
“Yeah,” she confirmed. “He was there.”
“How is he?” Jillian inquired.
At one point, she would’ve said sad and broken, but the Dylan she had seen didn’t look to be either. He actually looked … good. “Fine,” she said.
There was a brief pause, as though her mother was weighing her options on which direction to take the conversation. Thankfully, Jillian opted to change the subject.
“So, do you have any interviews lined up?”
“Not yet.” Although she’d been putting in applications at various places ever since she quit her teaching job and opted to change her life, Sarah hadn’t landed a permanent gig. Truth was, she didn’t even know what she wanted to do, so she’d been getting by with various temp jobs—waitress, receptionist, a week as a bookkeeper, a hotel clerk for two days and plenty of computer jobs in the interim. Nothing had held her interest, so she kept looking, kept waiting for the perfect opportunity to arise.
Her mother laughed. “You’re the only person I know who can sound happy when they say that.”
Sarah smiled. There were days when she worried that she wouldn’t be able to pay her bills if she didn’t figure it all out, but for the most part, she was enjoying herself. She traveled on a whim, if she had the urge, although never too far and never to anywhere exotic. Plus, she focused on learning new things and figuring out what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
The downside to all of that was her lack of a routine to keep her busy.
With nothing to occupy her time, Sarah was left with too much time to think. She had yet to completely move on with her life, despite her efforts. Her social life had flourished there for a while, but as her therapist repeatedly informed her, she continued to allow the past to hold her back.
Distraction (Club Destiny Book 8) Page 5
