by Amy Tuso
Moldable Youth: A Collection of Poetry and Prose
Amy Tuso
Copyright 2011 Amy Tuso
Young Love
In fifteen minutes
Come fifteen gallons
Each tear
A great mistake
Each heartbreak
Cried over
Every love
A deeper shove
Into the pity
Every beat
Breaks the heart
Each eye
Red from tears
Shows the pain
All locked away
In twenty minutes
Oh, too long
The pain is gone
Reawakening
Woke this morning
Found the sun
Had been hiding
Hadn’t even noticed
Warm kisses smother my face
Bright love makes everything new
Eyelids flutter
Face shines bright
Erase the past
Make the world mine
Again
Life
Tired eyes
Human dies
People crying
Children lying
Crazy
Mazy
Mixed-up
Got to be fixed-up
Life
Life
Life
What a shame
Who’s to blame
Renewed Vision
When the day awoke
The shades were drawn
The life within
Began to shimmer and shine
Not a classic beauty
Nothing breathe taking
But many proclaim
Can make you think
Finally understand
Beauty can only be found
When all the past is forgotten
All previous interpretations ignored
When sight is found
Go further than the skin
The soul is open
To fill with love
Quandary
Six months
Thirty days
Seventeen hours
Thirty-three minutes
Nothing hurts more
I just can’t see
What went wrong
Why does this hurt
Love isn’t painful
Hard
Not life ending
Parts seem to be missing
I can’t find an end
Nothing has finished
A circle
More a spiral
Falling faster
Never ending
Only starting
Every dreams been crushed
Hopes drowned in the effort
Masquerade
It was a long time ago when I believed in fairy tales, but I still dream of Prince Charming arriving to sweep me off my feet. Like every well-written tale, he’s tall, dark and handsome and the love we find is instant and passionate. Yet, as every day comes anew every dream must end.
Then the day came when I was certain I had found him. Unlike my dreams he wasn’t tall, dark or handsome, but he did have charm. He entered my life like a cool breeze in autumn. From the first date, I was entranced. He told me of his life and he made me laugh. I told him things others would never know. He made me feel safe, secure and like a princess. I didn’t see that every story, every joke had a point - the direction, my heart; the objective my soul. Within weeks he was able to capture both.
I had fallen in love. He was what I needed, a goal, a purpose for my life. He was the one that I would live and die for, the one I would give all to. It’s amazing, when you wish hard enough, pray long enough; you can make anyone be your every desire. And that he was.
At that time there was only one thing sacred to me. It was my body. I have always loved strongly and cared deeply for everyone that passed through my life. However, never before my Prince had I loved with not only my heart and soul, but my body as well. Like a thief he stole my innocence. He took me to a place I had never been. With my every defense beaten, he was able to shape me, mold me, and make his thoughts mine. I was blind. I was willing.
He was the best of actors. He acted love. He acted caring. And most destroying, he acted understanding. I had felt alone for so long. I had felt lost in the wide, wide world. He glided in and showed me his truths. I accepted them. Within months he took my stable life and turned it upside down. Suddenly I was drowning and my dear sweet Prince was my savior. He not only shook up my life, but he saved me from the chaos. I was too deep, too far gone to realize that it was he who made my life go crazy. That he was the bitter enemy, not the sweet hero. But, oh, how I loved him. I savored every rescue. If only I would have seen, then maybe I could have saved myself.
My mother loved me, babied me, cared for me more than most mothers care for their children. She was my family, all that I had ever had. My Prince showed me the evil in my mother, showed me that it was jealousy and hate that she felt. He was so smart and had been through so much. I was weak and needing reassurance. I took every story, every lie, about my mother, inhaled them, and allowed them to be part of me. I hated her. Every unhappiness in my short life was because of her. My Prince showed me, taught me, that my mother, my only family, the only one that I felt truly loved me, was wicked. That she never loved me, nor deserved my love.
Mission accomplished. I floated free. I neither loved any one nor felt love for anyone but my Prince. This done my mind sealed with his, my power of emotion lost to him. I followed like a stray. He led me to a new home, a new existence. Now, all power forsaken, I welded myself to him. Every breath I breathed, every beat of my heart was for him. I had everything in him: I needed nothing more. My world was he and he took control.
Slowly a light began to shine. I tried to run and hide from the truth, oh dear god, how could it be true. My savior, my hero, my Prince was destroying me. No, no, it couldn’t be true. He couldn’t ruin me.
I knew I had to work harder, had to make it work. I knew it was I. It had to be, there were no flaws in my Prince. One night I closed my eyes tight, but the light was too strong. I prayed for darkness so I could see my dream, but this light, this damnable light, showed merely the truth. My Prince was a frog in disguise. That was it, one night of truth destroyed it all. Sure, I fought for a chance to again be blinded. Once again live in the world not of my making. It was futile. The light had won, and once again I found myself drowning, surrounded by chaos.
This time there was no Prince, no one to save me from the hell of his making. I ran as fast as I could back to the only thing that lightly lingered from my past. I ran to my mother, hoping to find sanctuary and peace. With her I found bitterness and a push for independence. She wanted me back to who I had once been, but that little girl of giggles and joy was gone. She tried to show me what the light had. Prove to me that my Prince was no Prince, but a nuance to my soul. It was still too fresh; the ache he left hadn’t been filled. I again started to feel the hatred for her that he had planted. She angered me, made me want him back.
It took me weeks, months, nearly a year to see it was her strength that guided me. I was allowed to hurt, allowed to cry, and best of all allowed to heal. My mothers little girl of giggles and smiles is gone. She will never return. In her place is a woman, who, with the power of love, has grown. This woman is I, and I have found my own place and it dwells deep within myself.
Dreams within Sleep
Stars in heaven
Falling to the sea
Tears in my eyes
Falling to t
he floor
Whispers if the wind
Cries of my pain
I dream and I see
All that’s went wrong
I sleep and I know
Why my pain isn’t gone
Dear One
She gave me life
And she’ll give me death
She says I lie
And even betray
Unlike her
I’m not perfect
Unlike her
I live for love
I try so hard
But it’s never enough
She loves him more
But he is worse
To her I am wrong
Never right
She says I am her death
I was never her life
I give her stress
Never relief
I break her beauties
I’m always doing it
Doing it wrong
Just once
I’d like to be right
And never wrong
Our World
Beauty beyond sight unseen
Endless freedom
Gods gift to man
Hand caressed
Made this land
Gift to us
Proud Beast
You son of a bitch
You bastard
You punk
Do you know what you have done
You’ve left me here
With no beginning
Just an end
You led me to believe
You showed me how
I thought it was special
Now I understand
I’ve seen the truth
You’re a fake
A coward
A man with no spine
If it was only for sex
I’d understand
You took my life
How could you do it
Why’d I allow it
You acted so strong
So sure
So right
But you are nothing
Merely a demon
Searching for souls
My soul is now guarded
And never again
Will a proud looking beast
Leave me alone
With no beginning
Just end
Home
She left yesterday and he watched her go. As she left, his heart sank. They have been together for a while, but he knows that it’s not long enough. She’s gone home, not to mommy and daddy, but to him. She loved him first, long before the other was known. The man, who’s here, the one who loves her, is feeling a great loss. The same type of loss she felt, after her first love left.
The first love, we’ll call him jack, and the second shall be Calvin. She met Jack, and they fell in love, just like every great romance novel. This love was true; she felt it inside and out, with and without him. They knew each other’s faults and loved each other anyway. Together they forgot the past and planned their future. But suddenly Jack had second thoughts and felt the need to say good-bye. She was lost; her future was only images of their plans.
Then came Calvin. He saw her and fell in love. What a shock to realize that her beauty was far more than skin deep. He now knew love and she felt the same, though it was not the same as the first time. How could it be? Calvin was so special, a boy, a man, someone never to forget. Yet Jack was what she knew of the future. And now she had gone to see him.
Calvin feels the loss. He wants to keep her and she wants to stay. There are choices to be made no strength to make them. The old bus to home is always so slow. She thinks of the old, and now the new. Who shall she choose? As the time passes and she is returning to her home. A few things have been learned. She loves the old and the past, which is where Jack is, and where he will stay. He was her future and all that was in it, but the tide has turned and he no longer sees what is within her. Their faults can no longer be hidden; their future was a dream and we all wake.
She thinks of Calvin now, he still loves her. She’s not sure. She wants to love and want only him. She needs time. He’ll understand, or so she hopes. She’ll explain that she loves him… and Jack. He’ll nod, as always, say that he knows, and tell her simply that the future is theirs… and it all begins again.
Fate to Trust
A simple day
A future changed
Life revised
Everything able
To be simply trusted
The eyes of a child
Opening to a fresh light
Many friendships bonded
True loves enforced
As the sun escapes
The moon appears
The day has ended
Memories of the past
Dreams of the future
One
I was amazed at the simplicity
Awed by the ease
I thought it would provoke
Serious guilt from within
It had happened before
But that time a mistake
This time planned
Decided long before it happened
I knew what I was doing
I did it with pleasure
Only one knows the truth
A wish fulfilled
I made it happen
And still live in joy
Unconditional
I explained to him one night
As we lay side by side
What he means to me
I nearly weep
At the pulling in my heart
He doesn’t understand
He’s never been shown
I try to guide
Try to teach
But slowly I begin to see
What I felt
All that I knew
Has never been
Part of his life
I do things
Try to express
Make my actions follow my words
As I think of him today
I know deep down
He will never see
Forever people
Pass through our lives
And the only thing that matters
Is how we love them
Pieces of a Smile
To hear the soft words of a friend.
Feel the comforting arms of a lover.
The warmth of the sun upon my face.
All are quite loved.
When a single is lost.
The tears that flow are soul dividing.
Combined it’s like a beautiful puzzle.
Each piece fitting perfectly and completely.
The puzzle called life. Stamped with a smile.
To be shown to the world.
Today
We make our own futures
Thus we make our own pasts
As children others choose
But now we are grown
Who we are
What we may become
Is up to the choices
We make in our lives
There is no room for guilt
Or even mere regret
We must act on our feelings
And live for today
Because tomorrow maybe
Too late for living
Houston
We all knew, though none of us would talk about it. There’s that stupid old saying; “It’s always the quiet ones.” Well, not this time.
There were six of us. We were all individuals, yet all the same. I classified us as the Abyss. Together we were unbeatable, unstoppable. Yet, apart, anything could take us down. That thought, united we stand, divided we fall, was proven tenfold.
We all had something missing from our lives; the majority of us missed love.
Except for her.
Her name was Houston, but was always called Hush. At times we joked that’s what people wanted to tell her, to hush. Lord, she was loud.
Together we w
ere all noisy. We’d laugh and run around like you see five-year-olds doing.
Hush was our mentor. She was the one who kept us going. When one of us was tired of the crap that was saw everyday and just wanted to give up. She pushed harder. She told us that we can be scared, but we can’t be a chicken shit.
That was her word. Chicken shit. If we’re too scared to do something, that’s what we were, chicken shits.
Yeah, she believed in fear. She lived her life scared.
That hadn’t stopped her.
So, she made sure that it never stopped any of us.
Love had nearly stopped us all. Yet, we kept pushing, bracing our backs when the rough water hit.
Still Hush was different. Love was her life.
She feared her father, the devil himself would have feared that man, but she still loved him. All of us would sit in utter amazement when she talked about him. There was love in her eyes even when she told about his yelling and the latest tirade.
Yep, Hush was love. That’s why none of us were surprised to meet Leif. What a surprise, she was in love. To her he was a guardian angel. He helped her with so much. That’s all we heard about from her. Always Leif, he did this, said that. Never had we thought that Hush was capable of getting happier than before Leif showed up, but we were wrong. Life after Leif was nothing but sparkling eyes and smiles for Hush. None of us worried. Hush was happy and that made us happy. Never did we think that what goes up, must come down. What a fall it was.
Leif left. He was gone with only a message on Hush’s door. A post-it note that read:
Hush
I must go.
Leif
No more smiles. Hush no longer had that skip in her step. She never cried. We talked about it, she was calm, and said she had no clue. Leif left with no warning and barely a goodbye.
Hush should have cried, for days she should have cried. She’d lost the man that she loved. Didn’t she care? She had to have cared. He had changed her, made her happier. Now you could tell that she was sad, her every move proved it, but her eyes stayed dry.
Once I tried to ask her why she never cried. She looked up at me with her head slightly tilted and simply said that she was afraid to cry.
When she said it I wanted to laugh at the irony, call her a chicken shit.
But I couldn’t.
I cried.
Child Within
A child’s life
Lost in all this trouble
A life still living
An adult in a child
The death within
Happiness forgotten
Dreams recreated
Never to see
What children should see
Age growing daily
Nothing left
Final death too soon
For Myself, Not Others
As I walk away
I hear your bitter words
You tell the others
How different I am
At those words
I smile
For you are right
I will never be like you
