by S. E. Lund
It was then I started to feel panic building inside of me, my breath faster, my heart rate increasing, my palms sweaty. I'd had occasional panic attacks after coming back from Mangaize, and had been in counseling to train myself not to respond to my body's cues.
"Excuse me," I said and stood, knocking my chair back abruptly. I left the table and made a beeline to the door.
"Are you all right, sweetie?" my father called out to me. I said nothing, walking to the bathroom off my bedroom, needing to be alone to regain control over myself.
I closed and locked the door behind me and stood at the vanity, looking at myself in the mirror. I took in a deep breath, using self-talk to calm my anxiety, and soon, I started to relax again. There was a soft knock at the door.
"Kate?" It was Drake.
"I'm OK," I said. "Just feeling a bit queasy."
"Let me in," he said, his voice soft.
"I'm OK, Drake," I said. "I'll be out in a minute."
He was silent for a moment. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'm fine."
"If you say so, but I am a doctor."
"I know you are. I'm fine."
I stood at the vanity looking in the mirror for a few moments, until I felt in control again. Then I ran the water and splashed it over my face. I let the cool water run over my hands for a few moments, the flow soothing. Then, I smoothed my hair, which was already smooth, and adjusted my clothes and took in a deep breath.
I opened the door and there Drake sat at the end of my bed, his legs spread, his elbows resting on each thigh, his hands clasped. His face was unreadable. Just calm. Patient.
He had to know.
"Why are you in here?" I said, my voice shaky. "You haven't finished lunch yet."
"I was concerned about you. You don't look well."
"I'm fine," I said, walking past him to the door. He grabbed my hand and stopped me, pulling me back so that I stood in front of him, between his legs.
"What is it, Katie?" he said, his voice so gentle, as if he was dealing with a child. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing," I said, forcing a smile, but I could feel tears bite at the corners of my eyes. "I'm just tired and stressed out over everything."
"As long as you're OK," he said. He brushed my hair back from my face, touched my cheek with the backs of his fingers, and the gesture was so sweet and loving, I felt my heart melt for him.
"Drake, we really need to talk," I said, feeling a desperate need to confess.
"Shh," he said, kissing me. "We'll talk later. I love you, Kate."
"I love you," I said and couldn't stop from slipping my arms around his neck, kissing him. His arms went around my waist and he pulled me tightly against his chest as he kissed me back, softly at first, then with more urgency. When the kiss ended, I rested my forehead against his and enjoyed the feel of his arms around me.
It was in each other's arms that my father found us when he popped his head into my room.
"Hey, you two lovebirds," he said, his gravelly voice filled with humor. "Your food's getting cold."
Drake looked up at me and smiled. "What do you say we go back and have lunch now that it's settled?"
"What's settled?" I asked, frowning a bit.
"That we love each other," he said, a grin starting on his lips, an impish look in his eyes.
I nodded and smiled back. "Sounds like a plan."
He rose and took my hand, pulling me along with him out of the bedroom and down the hall following my father. When we were seated again, Elaine brought Drake's and my plate back after heating the pasta up in the microwave.
"Feeling better?" she said as she sat back down.
I nodded. Drake took my hand under the table and squeezed. I turned to look at him, and his face was so calm and gentle. Did he know? Was he hurt that I hadn’t told him? Was he worried that I was somehow still attracted to Kurt?
I thought he'd be really angry. He said he was very jealous and so I expected that he'd get really mad and want to punish me.
Finally, he turned back to his pasta and took a forkful. I turned back to mine and together, we ate while holding hands.
I felt completely at ease the rest of the meal and afterwards as we had our tea and some cookies Elaine had made that morning. We chatted about my father's campaign and Drake's donation, Liam's prognosis and our trip to Africa. It was very nice and relaxed and I was so relieved. I still wasn't certain that Drake knew, but at least we'd had a nice time. I'd tell him once we were back home and were alone. I was hoping he wouldn't get too upset and would understand my reluctance to say anything about my encounter with Kurt.
I should have told Drake right away about the meeting, so that when the picture appeared in the paper, he'd be prepared and would see it for what it was.
Nothing.
If he had seen the picture, he'd be upset that I didn’t tell him sooner – as if I didn't trust him with the truth.
I'd deal with it when the time came. For the moment, all I wanted was to get through lunch without any scenes.
We drove back to the apartment, the atmosphere still relaxed and pleasant. Drake took my hand as we drove and we talked about the corporate work he had been attending to. As we drove up to the building, and parked in the parking garage, anxiety started to bite at the corners of my consciousness.
How would Drake react if he hadn't read the paper? Would he be angry? Would he brush it off?
I had no idea.
Butterflies filled my stomach as we took the elevator up to the penthouse. For his part, Drake confined me against the elevator wall, brushing hair off my face, his expression only one of warmth and affection.
"How are you feeling, Ms. Bennet? I'm a bit sleepy after that heavy meal. What do you say to a bit of a nap? You said you were tired."
I nodded. "Sounds good to me, but we really should talk first." I unbuttoned his coat, pulling his scarf away from his neck.
"We'll talk after we fuck," he said. "I have it all planned out."
"You do? I said, smiling despite my anxiety. "I have nothing else to do and so I'm all yours."
"All mine?" he said, humor in his voice.
"At your disposal," I added, getting into the spirit. "At your command." I grinned up at him, glad he seemed so happy, not wanting to spoil it with my confession about Kurt. "I seem to recall a promise about harem girls and massages…"
"Oh, that's right…" He grinned evilly. "I do remember something about you being my slave girl and giving me a really sensuous massage, but maybe we should wait until after the nap." He kissed me softly and it was then I decided to delay telling Drake until after the nap – and massage. He was tired, as he had every right to be, considering the donation and medication and his recent sickness. He didn't need any drama right then so I happily pushed telling him about Kurt into the back of my mind. Later, before dinner, I'd pour him a drink and tell him.
I told myself that the incident was so trivial and unimportant that he shouldn't be concerned about it.
We took off our good clothes and crept into bed, Drake in his boxer briefs and me in my little lace nightie. I snuggled into his arms as he lay on his side, my back to him – the usual position we took when we went to sleep at night, although he was usually naked. I sighed when he kissed my shoulder and I closed my eyes, glad to have a nap after all the stress of the morning. I planned my approach to telling Drake. I'd wait until after we had sex, and then, when we got out of bed and were getting ready for a very late supper, I'd pour him some wine and after he had a glass, I'd straight out confess.
I'd deal with whatever fallout came because I chose not to tell him sooner, but I was happy to delay telling him about Kurt. Just as I started drifting in a nice warm, slightly aroused state, Drake's cell chimed. He had a text.
"Crap," he said and struggled up, reaching past me to the night table where his cell lay.
"Ignore it, Drake," I said, yawning.
"Can't," he said. "That's someone from the foundation calling."<
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Drake took his phone and read the text, then, he slipped out of bed on the other side.
"I'll be right back," he said and left the bedroom.
I lay in the semi-darkness of the bedroom and listened to Drake. His voice was low, his words indecipherable from the office down the hall. I wondered what the discussion was about but couldn't tell. After a few moments of silence, when Drake didn't return to bed, I got up and tiptoed out of the bedroom only to find Drake sitting on the couch, his arms spread out over the back in that familiar position. He didn’t look at me when I entered, the phone in his hand, tossing it up and down lightly as if lost in thought.
"Drake?" I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I stepped closer to the couch and saw that the Weekly was open on the couch beside him.
A shock went through my body, my blood feeling like ice.
"Drake," I said, my voice faltering. "I—"
"Don't," he said, holding up his hand palm out to stop me. "Don't say anything."
"But I need to explain—"
"Not now," he said, his voice filled with emotion.
"Please Drake," I said, panic overtaking me, making my knees weak. "I was going to tell you…" I went to the couch and started to sit down, wanting to connect with him, let him know that the picture meant nothing.
"Stop," he said, glaring at me. "Leave me alone. I need some time to think."
"Why?" I said, my heart racing. "There's nothing to think about. I ran into Kurt at the fundraiser, he followed me out of the building and some photographer took that picture when I was telling him to leave me alone. That's it," I said, chopping my hand down emphatically. "End of story."
"You never said anything about Kurt being your," he said, his voice a harsh whisper. "Escort."
"He wasn't!" I sat closer to him. "The paper made that up. I wasn't with him. He followed me out and they took that picture. That's it."
"What time did you get home that night? When I woke up, it was almost 8:30. Dave said you left the fundraiser at 6:00 – with Kurt."
I exhaled in frustration and fear that he'd never understand.
"I did leave at 6:00. I didn't want to stay because Kurt was there. He followed me out. I didn't leave with him. He cornered me, I told him I was with you and was happy, and then I left. I took a cab because the limo driver was away and I wanted to escape Kurt. I got home around 6:15 and you were asleep so I didn't wake you up."
"So you have no proof that you were home that early? Dave said you left with Kurt."
"I didn't," I said, trying to think of who saw me come in to the building. "There's the concierge in the entry. You could ask him."
"God, Kate, do I really have to check with the doorman to know if you're telling me the truth?"
"Why would you doubt me?"
He turned away, as if he couldn't stand to even look at me, his chest heaving. Finally, he turned back, his face pale. "Why would I doubt you? Because you didn't fucking tell me the truth right away, that's why. Dave had to tell me."
"It meant nothing. I didn't want to upset you over nothing. You've been through so much with Liam and the transplant and being sick. You were so tired…"
He shook his head, not meeting my eyes. "Is every fucking woman going to cheat on me?" he muttered, loud enough for me to hear him. "Didn't I pay enough attention to you? Couldn’t you wait until I recovered?"
"Couldn't I wait?" I said. "What do you mean?"
I couldn't stand it any longer. I crawled onto his lap, my arms around his neck, tears in my eyes. He remained stiff, not responding to me.
"Drake, don't do this," I said, my voice breaking. "Kurt means nothing to me. Nothing."
"Did he touch you?"
"What do you mean, did he touch me? He grabbed my arm, he touched my cheek. I didn’t touch him. We spoke for five minutes and I left. Alone."
He said nothing, shaking his head slowly, his gaze moving over my face.
"Did you fuck him? Just for old time's sake?" His face was blank, but I could see something like fear in his eyes. Or pain. Mostly fury, his face blanched, his lips pressed thin.
"What?" I said, pulling back in horror.
"Tell me the truth, Katherine. At least tell me the goddamned truth."
"Do you really, seriously think I'd just fuck some man?"
"Kurt isn’t just some man. He was your lover. I know how these things go."
"No, stop for a moment and think," I said, panic rising in me. "Do you really think I could fuck Kurt? I need to know."
He shrugged, his face blanched. "I don't know. The paper said he was your escort. You left with him. You were home late. You have needs…"
"Drake, that’s insane. If you can even think that might happen, you don’t know me at all. I would never do that."
"How would I know? We've only been together for four months. You're still so young. Who knows what hidden kinks you might have."
I felt like pulling my hair out. "It's the truth," I said, stroking my hands through his hair, my eyes brimming. "I left at 6:00 and was back here at 6:15. I was so happy to get away from Kurt and back to you."
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
"You were sick!"
I finally caught his eyes with mine, and he was so upset, his eyes wet.
"Oh, God, Drake," I said, almost sobbing. "Nothing happened."
"You have to always tell me the truth, Katherine," he said, his voice low, as if he was starting to regain control over himself. But something changed in him at that moment. "You have to tell me right away. I have to know you're being completely honest with me, completely open. I can't have any doubt ever," he said, slicing his hand sideways like a blade. "I can't."
"You don't have to doubt me," I said, my voice breaking once more. "I love you. More than anything. More than I ever thought possible." I kissed him, my hands on either side of his face, but his mouth was unyielding, his lips pressed firmly together, his body tense beneath mine. I pulled away, desperate for him to understand. "Drake, I love only you." I kissed him again. "Only you."
"Why, Kate? I let you in," he said as he stared at me. "I let you in."
His eyes, usually so clear blue were now bloodshot. They burned into mine, his brow furrowed as if he still didn't know whether to believe me. I had to look away because his expression was so pained.
He tilted my chin up so that I was forced to either close my eyes like a child or look in his. I finally relented. Then he pulled me against him, burying his face in my neck and pressed me down on the couch. We lay there in silence for long moments, his hands confining mine, his face in the crook of my neck.
Finally, I heard him sigh heavily. "Why didn't you tell me right away?"
"I knew you were jealous. You told me you were jealous. I was afraid you'd misunderstand."
He exhaled. "Kate, I can't stop men from hitting on you. But you have to trust me completely and tell me when they do. No secrets. It's absolutely necessary for this to work. I've been lied to. I've been cheated on. I can't have it. I won't take it."
"You have to trust me, too."
"How can I when you didn't tell me right away? Were you hoping it would never come up?"
"Every time I tried to tell you, you'd do something to stop me. I wanted to find the right time, and well, you read the paper…"
"It upsets me that it was Dave who told me. It hurts that he had to phone me to ask if I'd seen the picture."
I sighed. "I was wrong not to tell you right away. I didn't think it was important. It meant nothing to me. If anything, it reinforced why Kurt and I broke up. You have no reason to be jealous."
"You have to understand," he said, touching my cheek. "Your father tried to fix you up with Kurt first, before me. He thought Kurt was just your type. He thought Kurt was perfect for you. I was around, listening to him talk about Kurt and how he wanted you to get together."
"What?"
He nodded. "You know, Kurt's a Marine like he was and like my father. A veteran. A pilot. Strong. Intelli
gent. A bit older than you, but still, closer to your age. He's really good looking, on top of everything. You have to understand back then, I was forced to listen to your father's campaign to get you together with Kurt. He told me all about how he thought Kurt was perfect for you and that you'd love him…"
I shook my head. "He's not. I don't – he's nothing to me. You're everything."
"I was like second best to your father," Drake said, a rueful smile on his face. "If Kurt didn't work out, there was always me."
"You're better. A million times better. And I can't believe my father talked to you about setting me up with Kurt. Why?"
"I asked about you. Frequently. He seemed to want to talk about you to someone. He was busy trying to get you together with Kurt when we started to become friends. I figured he didn't consider me because I'm so much older than you."
"I like that you're older than me. I've told you that."
"Still," he said, his voice hesitant. "You might not always like it."
I shook my head. "I can't imagine not being with you. Not loving you."
He sighed and played with a lock of my hair. "People stop loving you, Kate. I know."
"Not always."
He looked so sad, so hurt, I felt terrible and tears came once more to my eyes.
"Drake, I'm so sorry," I said, my voice breaking. "This is all my fault. I should have told you right away, as soon as you woke up."
He nodded and touched my cheek with his fingers. "You should have."
"Please forgive me."
He forced a smile. "I do." His gaze moved over my face, before finally coming to rest on my lip. "But I'm going to have to punish you."
"What?" I pulled back in shock.
He nodded. "You broke the rules about truth. You know you're supposed to always tell me the truth. You are not allowed to hide things from me. I have to punish you or what kind of Dom would I be?"
"I don't want you to spank me."
"Kate. You intentionally didn't tell me about Kurt. You intentionally deceived me. I asked you if you saw anyone I'd know at the function. You saw Kurt. A lie of omission is as bad as one of commission."
"I don't want you to punish me," I said again, shaking my head, trying to get away from him. "I don’t want you to spank me again."
