She drew a deep breath. “So if anyone calls, I’d appreciate you giving me a good reference despite all that’s gone on between us personally.”
At the thought of losing her, fear shot through him. “The hell I will,” he said, rising from his seat so he could tower over her.
“Look, Colin, you may not like what I write, but you can’t deny I’ve done a good job at this paper. And you can’t possibly deny me a good reference and the chance to get another job.” She clenched and unclenched her fists at her sides.
“Yes I can.” As he’d done once before, he grabbed her hand, ignored the stares and pulled her out to the hall and into the darkened stairwell.
“You’re being unreasonable,” she said, backing up against the wall.
He knew better than to press for an advantage or to attempt to get close to her the way he’d done last time. But damn, he wanted to. She wore an oversize white sweater and a pair of jeans that enhanced her curves, making him itch to pull her closer and push their differences aside. If only it was that easy.
“You don’t think packing up and sending out résumés is being a bit unreasonable yourself?”
“Did you or did you not plan to get rid of Corinne’s columnists?” She bit down on her glossed lips.
He liked the slight insecurity he sensed because it backed up his hunch, that she wasn’t as hardened to him as she wanted him to believe. “That was my plan.”
“So why would you think me preparing for my future is unreasonable?”
“Because between Corinne, Joe and myself, we are going to bring the paper back to life by returning to news, but I still hope to save both columns in the process.” He had an afternoon appointment with the accountants and Fortune’s together.
The number crunchers didn’t like being hassled during the week between Christmas and New Year’s, but they’d agreed to meet with him anyway.
She shrugged. “There are no guarantees. So can I have your word that you’ll give me a good recommendation?”
Not the reaction he’d have hoped for and, grabbing a minute to think, he drew a long breath. The dank smell in the hallway assaulted him, waking him up to the bleak reality confronting him. “Rina, I’m truly sorry. You’re the last person on earth I’d ever want to hurt. And I’ll do everything I can to save your job.”
He reached out to graze her cheek but she turned her head, avoiding his touch. His gut clenched hard.
“You don’t get it, do you?” She stared at him wide-eyed. “I’m not hurt or angry because you planned to cut my job. Hard as it is for me to believe, I can understand your need to save the paper, even if it was at my expense.” She trembled, wrapping her arms around herself tight. “What I can’t understand is how you could lie to me.” She pointed to her chest. “After you slept with me, got to know my hopes and dreams, my fears and mistakes, after all that, how could you keep something so important from me?” Her eyes welled up with tears.
Knowing he’d caused them, he wanted to give himself a swift kick. “There was no good way to tell you. I admit, I tried to broach the subject and gauge your reaction a few times.”
“At Emma’s Christmas party.”
He nodded. “We got interrupted by Emma’s champagne spill. And by the time I thought I could level with you again, I knew what the column meant to you and why. I realized how devastating the news would be.” He wanted to touch her. Instead, he shoved his hands into his back pockets. “If you understand why I did it, can’t you forgive me for not telling you?”
She shook her head, and the long ponytail that had grazed his body so lovingly the other night fell over her shoulder.
“I can forgive you but I can’t go back to what we had.” Her voice cracked on her words. “First, you’ll leave anyway, and a break is better off clean. Secondly, when I opened up to you, I trusted my instincts and you proved me wrong.”
She let out a laugh that didn’t sound funny and his stomach lurched.
“I accept your apology, Colin. But I’m going home to New York.” From the look in her eyes, she wasn’t joking, nor would she be changing her mind. She ducked beneath his arm and headed for the door.
“Rina,” he called out.
She turned. For a brief moment, her heart was in her eyes and everything he felt for her, the love, desire and caring, was obviously reciprocated. Then she schooled her features into a blank mask. One he didn’t buy into because he’d seen the feelings beneath.
“What is it?” she asked.
“If I save your job, will you stay? I know you love it here.”
She didn’t answer.
“Corinne and I will take that as a yes,” he said. And then he tossed out his final words. The ones that would be the most difficult for him to live by. “If you do stay, I’ll be right beside you. Because my days of running are over.” With or without her, Colin knew the time had come to put down roots, accept his family and live again.
“No, you won’t. You’ll get bored or feel closed in by some difficult situation. You’ll take off like you always do.” But she didn’t meet his gaze, giving him the hope that she didn’t really believe her words.
He had a hunch that deep down she trusted him more than she was letting on. He met her gaze and smiled. “The only way to find out is to stick around yourself.”
“Just give me a good recommendation, Colin. Please.” Then she walked out the door.
He shook his head and leaned back against the cool wall. What a mess he’d created. Why had he thought he could get involved with Rina and easily walk away?
Because he always had before. Ever since he’d lost both his mother and father, he’d kept his distance from everyone and everything, hoping that he’d never again experience that cavernous feeling of loss. Faced with Rina’s withdrawal and threatened departure, he was experiencing it again. And he didn’t like it worth a damn. Because this was a loss he didn’t think he’d bounce back from. One no amount of running would help.
So he’d better start fighting for what he wanted.
CHAPTER TWELVE
FLOWERS ARRIVED at Rina’s home. A thick, red, luxurious and obviously expensive bouquet of roses. The card had only two words: Please stay.
Next, she checked her e-mail and discovered a card sent from the office server. Lovers’ quarrels are meant to be forgotten, it said.
And then there was the small box she’d found in her desk drawer. An empty velvet jewelry box. The best gifts are meant to be given in person. Forgive me.
The gifts were lovely, all sentimental, all intended to wrap around her heart. But the last one, the empty jewelry box that could only hold a ring, was almost her undoing. Until she reminded herself that none of the presents, the ring box included, could possibly be from Colin. The man had a direct style, and this anonymous note-sending wasn’t an approach he’d choose. She couldn’t help suspecting somebody else was trying to get her and Colin back together.
The phone rang, distracting her. She picked up the receiver. “Hello?”
“Hi, Rina? It’s Cat.”
“Cat!” Rina said, glad to hear from the other woman. She loved her outgoing personality and wanted to get to know her better. Then she remembered she wasn’t staying in town. A lump rose to her throat.
“I hope you survived the holiday?” Cat asked. “I know that after a party at my place, I want to crawl into bed and stay there for days. It’s amazing how I can cater at other people’s homes without any problems, but bring the festivities to my house, and I’m a wreck.”
Rina laughed. “I know what you mean. But it was so special having everyone share the holiday with me.”
“Even if you did look like you’d lost your best friend?”
Rina blinked. “Emma always said you were perceptive.”
“And nosy.” A tinkling laughter followed Cat’s pronouncement. “Is everything better with you and Colin?”
Rina twirled the phone cord around her finger and leaned back into her comfortable couch. “It’s set
tled,” she said. But was it? an inner voice asked.
“Forgive me for prying, but it didn’t seem that way to me. Colin came for dinner last night and he was miserable.”
Rina’s heart pounded in her chest. She didn’t want him unhappy, yet she couldn’t help the lift in her heart that came with knowing he hadn’t gotten over her quickly. Because she was nowhere near over him. “It’s not something I caused, Cat.”
“Well, I didn’t cause my problems with Logan before we got married, but it was up to me to decide I could live with who and what he was.” Cat cleared her throat. “Actually, I had to decide I could accept who and what I was,” she admitted. “But that was me. We’re talking about you.”
Rina sighed. “Somehow I’m sensing there’s not much difference.” Colin accepted her for who and what she was. Despite the lies, in her heart, Rina understood that.
She understood that there’d been no honest, graceful way for him to tap her on the shoulder and say, “Hey, Rina, you should know, the paper’s in deep financial trouble and the only way out is for me to cut the column you love so much.”
Yes, she wished he’d told her. But she understood why he hadn’t. She hadn’t written an advice column for women without learning a few things herself. And in the days since discovering the truth, she’d put herself in Colin’s position and knew the words couldn’t possibly come easily for him. Especially after he’d learned how important her work and newly asserted independence were to her, both missing in her past marriage.
Like Robert, Colin wanted to give her what she desired. Unlike Robert, Colin listened to her needs, accepted them, and didn’t want to be the man to destroy her dreams. She sighed.
“Hello?” Catherine called into the phone. “You’re breathing but not speaking. What’s going on?”
Rina smiled and glanced at the flowers and notes strewn on the table. She didn’t want to put Catherine in the middle of her messed-up love life. “Does Colin strike you as a guy who’d send flowers and anonymous notes?”
Cat laughed. “No. Are you receiving them?”
“Yes.” Rina paused in thought.
“Emma,” they said at the same time.
“That’s my guess,” Cat said. “You can’t imagine the lengths she went to in order to get Logan and I back together. She actually sent me fairy dust!”
Rina rolled her eyes. “That sounds like Emma, all right. Which just goes to show you, even her own social life doesn’t keep her busy enough to keep her from meddling.”
“Nothing could,” Cat said. “Listen, before I forget, the reason I called is that I left my favorite serving dish at your house the other night.”
“It’s all cleaned for you.” Rina drew a deep breath. “How about we meet for lunch sometime next week and I’ll return it then?”
Because in her heart she realized that Ashford was home and she couldn’t bear to leave it or the friends she’d begun to make here, regardless of whether Colin decided to stay or go.
“Sounds good.”
After agreeing on an exact day and time, Rina hung up the phone and stared around her small apartment. If she closed her eyes, she could see Colin everywhere. He’d made such a big impact in the weekend he’d spent here.
And she missed him now. But how much worse would the ache be if she let things get even more serious and then he took off? She’d lost Robert in an unexpected, devastating tragedy and she’d promised herself from the beginning that she wouldn’t get emotionally involved with Colin because he’d never said he was staying. She didn’t want her heart broken again. But control was an illusion and she’d fallen in love despite it all. With a man who would probably leave at the first opportunity, whether he knew it yet or not. His history spoke louder than his words.
She rubbed her aching temples. She didn’t know what, if anything, Colin wanted out of their relationship. There was no denying he understood and accepted Rina for who and what she was. The question was, did she accept him?
COLIN HAD SPENT a long week gathering information. From the accountants, he’d learned that things were on a slow upswing. From old and loyal advertisers who’d slowly begun to pull out or take less space, he’d discovered that they liked the new offerings but not in place of hard news. The old format or some semblance thereof would entice them to advertise more in the hopes of reaching more people again. Especially if Colin promised to stay in town and run things along with Corinne.
And the head guys at Fortune’s had latched on to the financial upswing, too. Because of their loyalty to Joe, they’d agreed to ride out the problems for a while longer. The conservative advertiser could live with the risqué quality of the columns, as long as it wasn’t shoved in people’s faces over breakfast.
From the bank, Colin found out that he qualified for a line of credit, one that would enable him to pay back the lender, and leave the fate of the paper solely within Colin’s hands. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it sooner. The line of credit was the only means to convince Rina he had faith in her column, her vision, and in her. It was the only thing he could think of to secure their future. If she bailed on him after that, he couldn’t say he hadn’t tried.
When his doorbell rang late New Year’s Eve, he was surprised, since he had no plans and wasn’t expecting company. He zipped his jeans, skipping the button. Whoever wanted to talk to him would just have to deal with his couch-potato casual dress.
He pulled open the door, shocked when he came face-to-face with Rina. He hadn’t expected to see her until after the new year and had resigned himself to leaving her alone since that’s what she seemed to want. At least until he had his proof compiled and groveling speech ready, of course.
“This is a surprise.” He stepped back to let her inside, hoping he wouldn’t do something to scare her off before he had a chance to find out what she wanted.
“I had to talk to you and it wasn’t something I could do at work.” She bit down on her lower lip. “Can I take off my coat and stay awhile?”
She could stay forever, but he doubted she was ready to hear that. “Sure thing.” He helped her off with her jacket and hung it on the rack in the entryway, then gestured for her to head up the stairs.
Following behind, he couldn’t keep his eyes off her jean-clad behind, swaying as she walked, and he was hard in an instant. He needed to make her his once more. Not just in a primal male way, but in a completely permanent one.
She stood by the couch and turned toward him, a file folder clutched against her chest.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Something that I think will simplify your life.” She reached inside the manila folder and pulled out a single sheet of white paper. “I know that our relationship complicated your goals for the paper, and with Joe sick, you need to do what’s right for the Times, not for me. So here.”
His stomach in knots, he accepted the paper and skimmed the contents of the letter, his gut cramping more with each word. “You’re resigning?”
She nodded, her eyes sad and huge. “You don’t need to tiptoe around my feelings anymore or worry about what I’ll think of you.” She let out a laugh. “Not that I’m saying you worry at all about what I think of you, but I was hoping this would make any decisions easier on you.”
“Are you finished?” he asked when she’d stopped rambling.
“Yes.”
He held up the paper and ripped it in half. “Don’t want it, don’t need it. But I do want to know what the hell would possess you to quit a job you obviously love so much?”
“All good things must come to an end. And you said yourself, the paper’s in financial trouble and getting rid of the newer columnists is the solution.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I also remember saying I hoped to save both your job and Emma’s.”
“Hope isn’t definite. And you need to concentrate on what’s best for the paper, not what’s best for me.”
“But you believe I want to save your job?”
&nb
sp; One side of her mouth lifted. He’d take the first half smile in over a week as a positive sign.
“Yeah, I do,” she said at last.
“And if I said I had saved your column, that you still had a job, would you stay?”
“Is that a hypothetical question? Because I don’t think I can play games anymore.”
For the first time he noticed the stress in her taut expression and the darker circles under her eyes. Well, at least she wasn’t getting any more sleep than he was. Reaching out, he grasped her hand. “I’m not looking to play games, either. It’s an honest question.”
She glanced down at their intertwined hands, his darker skin, her softer, whiter flesh. “I’m staying whether or not there’s a place for me at the Times,” she admitted. “Ashford is home now.”
He released a harsh breath. Now that, he hadn’t expected to hear. “Rina?”
She glanced up to meet his gaze.
“I’m glad.”
She blinked, moisture filling her eyes. “You are? Why? Will you stay long enough for it to matter?”
“I told you the other day, I’m not going anywhere. My family is here, my new job is here, and most importantly, you’re here.”
“Your family’s always been here.”
He laughed. “Leave it to you to point out the obvious. Yes, my family’s always been here, but my heart hasn’t been.”
She searched his expression, obviously looking deeper inside him. “And now it is?”
He paused, wondering how to explain something he’d only just come to terms with himself. “I needed to face my past in order to have a future. Or at least a stable one, anyway. I’ve done that now.” He squeezed her hand tighter. “Thanks to you. From the day I met you, I recognized you were special. That you had the ability to change me.”
Rina’s heart felt full. She didn’t know whether to laugh because she seemed on the verge of getting everything she wanted, or cry because she was so afraid he was saying the words he wanted to believe but wasn’t ready to act on. She was still afraid she’d lose him to his emotional fear.
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