by Robert Bevan
“I’ve got a cure for that,” said Tim. “Let’s hurry before they close the bar.”
The End.
The Land Before Tim
(Original Publication Date: February 23, 2015)
“Where the fuck are we?” said Tim. It was not an unusual question for him to ask upon waking up in the morning, but the potential answers were usually limited to piss-filled gutters outside taverns in the city of Cardinia. He couldn’t recall ever waking up on a bed of giant ferns.
The air smelled of sea-salt and… “Eggs?”
Tim stood and oriented himself toward the scent and sizzle of frying eggs. Even jumping, he wouldn’t be able to see over the ferns. Being a halfling sucked. He struggled for a few meters through the dense vegetation until he emerged onto a white, sandy beach.
“Hey!” said Dave. “You’re up.” He was bare-chested, pale, and hairy. His dwarven man-tits poked out from either side of his beard like fish eyes, jiggling in the tropical sunlight.
Tim averted his eyes. “Jesus, dude. Where the hell is your armor?”
“Cooper and Julian are using my breastplate to cook with.”
Tim looked past Dave. Halfway between the jungle and the sea, Cooper and Julian were tending a homemade stove. Rocks and sticks held Dave’s breastplate above a small fire. Where Dave’s tits would normally reside, a gooey yellow substance bubbled. Julian stirred it with a stick.
“Where are we?” Tim repeated now that there were people around to answer. “How did we get here?”
“Fuck,” said Cooper. “He’s still drunk.” He pulled his finger out of his snout. “Listen, buddy. We’ve been magically transported into the Caverns and Creatures world. Don’t freak out, dude, but you’re a halfling.”
“I know that, shithead,” said Tim. “I’m not talking about this world. I’m talking about this goddamn beach.”
“Oh right,” said Cooper. “Fuck if I know.”
“Go wash your hands.”
Cooper stomped toward the water, leaving giant half-orc footprints, and a turd, in his wake.
Tim clapped his hands over his face, trying to contain his massive headache. Julian was still tending the eggs. “Do you know anything about this?”
“I’ve been trying to figure it out,” said Julian. “What do you remember from last night?”
Tim thought hard. “We went out to that new tavern.”
“I keep telling you guys we need to stop doing that,” said Dave.
Tim looked back at him and winced. “Could you maybe spread your beard out to cover your nipples? I’m feeling kinda rough this morning.”
Julian poked some of the cooked egg on the edge into the still-liquid center. “I don’t remember that much. I was already pretty trashed when we left the Whore’s Head.”
“Which we absolutely shouldn’t have done,” said Dave.
“Dude,” said Tim. “You’re not helping.” Memories teased his brain, like they were apprehensive about returning. “Why did we leave the Whore’s Head anyway?”
Dave rolled his eyes. “You and Cooper kept going on about A Quest for Big Titties.”
Tim laughed. “Oh yeah. I remember that. Did we see any?”
“I don’t think so. The new place was a total sausage fest.”
“We should try to introduce the concept of Ladies’ Night to this world,” said Julian.
Tim focused on Dave’s forehead to avoid looking at his hairy man-boobs. “You’ve got a high Constitution score. Do you remember anything else?”
“You spent most of the night making out with a dwarf in the corner.”
“Oh Jesus,” said Tim. He pulled a blonde hair out of his mouth as a vague recollection started to form in his mind. “She had a fucking beard, didn’t she?”
“Most dwarven women do.”
Tim tried to shake the memory out of his head. It only became clearer. “Was she at least hot by dwarf standards?”
“Nah,” said Dave. “She was pretty dumpy. I wouldn’t have touched her with Cooper’s dick.”
“How could you let me do that? Where the fuck were you guys?”
“Cooper and I got caught up in a drinking contest with a table of wizards.”
“That sounds bad.”
“It was fucking epic!” said Cooper, returning from the sea.
“Cooper,” said Tim. “I want you to think real hard. Did you say anything to piss off those wizards? Anything, for instance, that might make one of them want to teleport you and your friends to an uncharted island?”
“No way,” said Cooper. “Those dudes thought I was hilarious.”
“Come on, Cooper,” said Tim. “We didn’t get lost on the way home and wind up on a fucking beach. I need you to put all seven points of your Intelligence score to work here. Are you absolutely sure you didn’t say anything to offend any of them?”
“Well that one guy with the forked beard got a little bent out of shape when I made a crack about him bringing his grandma out to the bar.”
“You said what?” Dave was actually a shade paler. “To Boswell the Grand?”
“I don’t know,” said Julian. “As far as Cooper jokes go, that sounds pretty tame.”
“I know, right?” said Cooper. “I was on fire last night. And of course everyone’s going to laugh the hardest at some lame, throwaway joke. Fucking Philistines.”
“Dude,” said Dave. “That wasn’t his grandma. That was his wife.”
“Oh,” said Cooper. “I can see now how that was unintentionally hilarious.”
“Jesus Christ, Cooper,” said Tim. “What the fuck were you thinking?”
“I don’t know. You’d think a guy named Boswell the Grand might be able to do a little better for himself.”
“He’s an elf,” said Julian. He smacked himself on the forehead as realization dawned on him. “She’s human. That’s why she’s aging so much faster than he is. No wonder he took it so hard. That’s like making bald jokes in a cancer ward.”
“You need to keep your big stupid mouth shut, Cooper!” Tim shook his head. “Man, you really fucked us over good this time.”
“Well maybe you should have told me that last night,” said Cooper. “But you were wrist deep in dwarf snatch.”
“Wha?” said Tim. “Did I…?”
Dave gave him a sympathetic nod.
Tim sniffed the fingers on his right hand. He wasn’t certain what they were supposed to smell like, given the standard of hygiene in this world, but he was pretty sure they were a little off. “I’ve got to… I’ll be right back.”
“Hurry up,” said Julian. “The egg’s almost done.”
Tim ran as fast as his tiny legs would take him toward the sea. He deftly leaped over Cooper’s turd and dove headfirst into the salty water. He grabbed a handful of wet sand and scrubbed the shame and dried vag-juice from his right hand. He gargled salt water a little too eagerly and wound up swallowing some. His body was quick to reject the seawater, sending it, along with whatever he had eaten and drunk the night before, exploding out of his mouth.
When he was done vomiting, he rested on his hands and knees, tears in his eyes and salty snot dripping from his nose, thankful that he was a million miles away from the scene of his indiscretion. There were no camera phones in this world. All he needed was some good booze, and he could forget he ever… he wasn’t quite sure just how far he’d gone last night. He scooped up another handful of wet sand, reached into his pants, and scrubbed his crotch clean as well. Can’t be too safe.
After his genitals were scrubbed raw, Tim began to feel better about the events of the night before. So he’d hooked up with an ugly dwarf. He’d probably had lower points in his life. He knew for a certainty that Cooper had. The guys wouldn’t be able to bust his balls too bad over this. And as for her, she would soon be a distant memory. Just lay low at the Whore’s Head for a few weeks, and he’d never have to see her hairy face– Why were there four people standing around the fire? Cooper was easy to pick out. Julian was stil
l tending the eggs. Dave was still shirtless. The fourth one looked like Dave in stature and girth, but had blonde hair and slightly bigger tits.
Dave pointed at Tim. Tim stopped in his tracks. With nothing but sparkling blue sea and sandy white shore, there was nowhere to hide. He wished Cooper’s turd was bigger so that he might cower behind it. He was stuck, defenseless, trapped. The she-dwarf looked at him and smiled, a gap between her two front teeth wide enough for Ravenus to fly through. Tim wanted to throw up again, but he had nothing left to give.
He looked down at his right hand and whispered, “You’ve been in that creature’s cavern.”
“Hi, Tim!” Her enthusiasm made Tim’s testicles shrivel. What the hell was she doing here?
“Um… Hi,…”
Her smile faltered. “Gilda.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Still a little drunk is all.” He had no choice but to keep walking toward her. He felt like the Millennium Falcon being pulled toward the Death Star. He glanced at each of his friends, looking for a snicker. To his surprise, everyone’s face was blank. They were all either too curious or hungry to care about Tim’s involvement with this she-beast. “What are you doing here?”
“I challenged that wizard to a duel for sending you away from me,” said Gilda. “He laughed and sent me after you.”
Tim buried his face in his hands. This was so much worse.
“What’s wrong with your arm?” asked Gilda.
“Huh?” said Tim, looking at his right arm. It was scraped pink and raw almost up to his elbow. He’d been pretty aggressive with the sand. “Oh, that’s nothing. Just a rash.”
Gilda swallowed hard. “Nothing contagious, I hope.”
Tim panicked. “Wait! What? No! It’s not… um… It’s nothing, really.”
It became obvious that Dave, Julian, and Cooper had been holding their laughter and ridicule back in an effort to be decent human beings, or whatever. The walls started to crumble as snorts of laughter burst through the cracks.
Gilda’s face turned red.
Julian covered his laugh with a fake cough. “Who wants eggs?”
“Me!” cried Tim. Food and an exit from that conversation were just what he needed.
“I made some spoons out of bamboo,” said Dave. “They’re nothing special, but they should work.” He held up four five-inch lengths of bamboo, the end of each cut diagonally.
Julian nodded. “Well done, Dave.” He kneeled on the ground and smothered the fire with sand.
Dave passed spoons to Julian, Cooper, and Tim before frowning at Gilda. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting company.” He fumbled with the spoon in his hands for a bit, then offered it to her. “Here, take mine.”
“I’ll just share with Tim, thanks.” She waddled into Tim’s comfort zone while Cooper kept his lips shut as tight as a frog’s asshole. He looked like he was about to explode. Fortunately, his release came from the other end.
“Jesus, Cooper!” said Dave. “We’re about to eat, man!”
Tim had never been so relieved to bask in a cloud of Cooper’s ass vapor. “Here,” he said to Gilda, offering her his spoon. “You have your fill first.”
“I couldn’t.”
“Okay then.” Tim had been as gentlemanly as he was prepared to be. He scooped up a spoonful of egg and shoved it into his mouth. It was warm and wonderful. “This is fantastic,” he said to Julian through his full mouth. “Where did you get the eggs?”
“Egg,” Julian corrected him. “Ravenus found it and Cooper climbed up the tree to get it.”
Tim swallowed the egg in his mouth. “What do you mean, it? There have got to be more than a dozen eggs in here.”
“No,” said Julian. “Just the one. We would have had more, but Cooper broke all the others when he fell through the nest.”
“Birds are shitty builders,” said Cooper. “I almost broke my ass.”
“How big was this egg?” asked Tim.
Julian picked something up off the ground. It looked like a deflated basketball. “This is the shell.”
“Holy shit, man!” said Tim. “That’s big enough to fit over Cooper’s head.”
“Sweet!” said Cooper. “Hand it over.”
Julian shrugged and gave Cooper the empty leathery eggshell.
“I’ll cut some eyeholes in it, draw some flames on the side. This will be my alter ego. El Cupo.”
Tim shook his head. “Come on, guys. Think about this. Can you imagine a bird passing Cooper’s head through its vagina?”
“I guess I could,” said Julian. “But ew.”
“Do birds have vaginas?” asked Gilda.
“Good question. Ravenus?”
“Yes sir?”
“Oh right, sorry. Do birds have a vagina?”
“This isn’t important right now,” said Tim.
“It’s important if you want Cooper to put his head in one.”
“What’s a vagina, sir?”
“Hmm…” said Julian. “How to explain. It’s the female reproductive… orifice? I don’t like that word.”
“Tell him it looks like Dave’s face when he yawns,” suggested Cooper.
“The vagina is the whole organ,” said Gilda. “Not just the orifice.”
“Sorry,” said Julian. “My sex-ed teacher was a nervous gym coach.”
“It’s like a cloaca then, is it?” asked Ravenus.
“I guess?”
“Fine!” said Tim. “Then imagine a bird that could pass Cooper’s head through its cloaca. How big –”
“What the fuck is a cloaca?” asked Cooper.
“It’s like a vagina,” said Julian. “But for birds.”
“Then why don’t they just call it a vagina?”
“I tried to explain,” said Gilda. “The vagina is the whole organ. It extends from the uterus to –”
“Yeah, yeah, to Tim’s elbow,” said Cooper. “We’ve got it.”
Everyone stopped eating. Gilda stood, horrorstruck and open-mouthed, staring at Cooper.
Tim had suffered through some awkward silences before, but this one seemed to last forever. He looked at Julian and mouthed the word Diplomacy.
Julian raised his eyebrows as if to say How the fuck is Diplomacy going to fix that?
Julian’s eyebrows had a point. Diplomacy was just about as likely to help as murdering a horse would, but Tim would still reserve the latter option as a backup plan. Tim raised his own eyebrows back at Julian to convey the message, Come on, man. At least give it a try.
Julian pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. The message was clearly Goddammit! But instead of turning to Gilda, he turned to Cooper.
“Also,” Julian squeaked. He cleared his throat. “Both male and female birds have a cloaca, so it’s not really synonymous with vagina at all.”
Brilliant. If all parties agreed to pretend Cooper hadn’t spoken, the slate could be wiped clean. Or at least covered over with a tarp or something.
Tim followed Julian’s lead. “Let me just make my point. I shouldn’t have beaten around the bush.”
Cooper snorted. “I don’t think anyone would accuse you of doing that after –”
“I will fucking end you!”
“Sorry.”
Tim took a deep breath. “Here it is. Something pretty fucking big must have laid those eggs, right? What if it comes looking for vengeance?”
Dave hurriedly shoved another spoonful of egg into his mouth, like he might not have much more time.
Julian’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, you’re right!”
Cooper licked his lips. “We’d eat like fucking kings!”
Tim pulled at his hair and sighed. “Yeah, we would… or it would.”
Dave licked the tip of his finger and touched his breastplate. Judging it cool enough, he tossed his spoon aside and started shoveling egg into his mouth with his bare hands. Tim suspected he was less concerned with eating at this point, and more concerned with getting his armor back on.
“Dude, relax,”
said Cooper. “I don’t care how big it is. We can handle a fucking bird.”
“But what if it’s not a bird?” said Tim. “This is C&C. What if it’s a dragon?”
“Whoa!” said Julian, taking a step back.
Dave paused from his frenzy to glance up at the sky.
Even Cooper seemed to finally pick up on the gravity of what Tim was saying. He frowned for a second, and then joined Dave in a race to gobble up the most egg.
“Wait a minute,” said Julian. “Do dragons live in nests?”
It was a good question. A nest seemed like kind of a humble abode for one of the most prominent creatures in the game. “I don’t know.”
Dave and Cooper stopped eating. Everyone turned to Gilda.
Gilda nervously wiped at her beard like she thought she might have had a piece of food stuck in it. “What? Why are you all looking at me?”
“We thought maybe you knew something about dragons,” said Julian.
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, because you’re from here.”
Gilda looked at Julian as if he’d just yodeled his last sentence. “I don’t even know where here is! I’m from the Griffon Valley.”
“I’m sorry. I should have been clearer. What I meant was –”
A sound erupted, like a thousand screaming Ravenuses, from above the jungle trees. It might have been avian. It might have been reptilian. It was certainly pissed off.
“Ravenus?” said Julian. “Can you translate that?”
“It’s a dialect I’m unfamiliar with, sir. It almost sounds like –”
“I’ll translate for you,” said Tim. “It said ‘What the fuck happened to my eggs?’ Head for the trees now!”
Tim led by example, racing up the beach toward the treeline, his feet pounding into the hot white sand. He’d only run about five yards when a shadow passed over him. He had to know. He stopped running and looked up.
“HO,” said Julian.
“LEE,” said Dave.
“FUCKBALLS,” said Cooper.
Everyone but Gilda, who kept running toward the trees, stood mesmerized by the creature gliding out over the water. Its head was narrow, crested at the top, and at least as long as the rest of its body. As it banked over the water, sunlight shone through its translucent, pink, bat-like wings, which had a span of at least thirty feet.
