by Leslie North
14
Carson was sure that he would be happy once he got back on the road. That had always been his way. He’d get to feeling restless, that he couldn’t get enough air where he was, but as soon as he got back on the road again, he would once again feel right as rain.
That should have been more true now that he was back on the circuit where he belonged. Hadn’t he been trying to get back to the rodeo from the moment he’d been forced to leave it? His involuntary exile had sometimes felt like years rather than months.
Except that this time, returning to where his passion lay wasn’t working. He found himself going through the motions, slapping backs with the guys who were pleased by his return and throwing himself into building strength and training with all the gusto he could muster. He never had liked doing things halfway, especially when it came to rodeo. “You’re just in a funk, Carson,” he told himself for the umpteenth time. “Some kind of leftover delayed depression. You gotta admit, things have been strange the last few months.”
“What was that?” Charlie, passing by, had heard the muttered words.
“Nothing,” Carson said shortly. “Just talking to myself.”
“Just so long as you don’t start answering yourself,” Charlie said with a chuckle, but he went on along his business, leaving Carson alone with his thoughts.
In daylight, surrounded by like-minded men who regarded rodeo life as the only life worth living, he was almost able to convince himself that if he just trained hard enough, if he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion and then took the effort one step further, he would start to feel the way he had before.
At night, though, lying in the dark without the welcome distraction of noise and constant activity, it wasn’t quite so easy to believe that line. He’d never had problems sleeping before his accident, but now he found himself staring up at the ceiling, his body pumping out adrenaline despite his all-too-real fatigue. Time seemed to work differently in the dark, and with the feeling of Karen beside him like a phantom just out of reach, each minute could have counted as a day. He wanted to get past her memory, but he was having a much harder time now than he had at eighteen, even with the lies he’d learned about.
“Because you’re old enough to know better,” he muttered, turning onto his side and pulling the covers up to his chin. “Old enough to know that it ain’t always as easy as startin’ fresh.”
He finally fell asleep with those words echoing in his mind, along with a promise to himself that he would call home the next day. He hadn’t always done a great job of keeping in touch after leaving home the first time around, something he had regretted since his parents’ deaths. Although he might not be able to mend the things that were broken between him and Karen, he could make sure he didn’t drift away from his brothers again.
“Brother!” Randy cried happily before Carson could say another word. “Will you look at that? I wasn’t expecting to hear from the conquering hero for at least six months. Thought you would be too busy showing your buddies who’s boss.”
“Yeah, well, I’m a great multitasker,” Carson said with a laugh, although in his own ears, it sounded more than a little forced.
He held his breath, waiting to see if Randy would pick up on anything being amiss. His brother was unusually perceptive, and though it might be because Randy worked with sick and injured animals, he had a particular knack for putting the skill to use when it came to Carson.
“What’s going on, brother?” Randy asked now, bringing a smile to Carson’s face in spite of himself. “You don’t sound like you’re doing too hot.”
“Gee, thanks,” Carson retorted, although part of him felt relief. “Just what every guy wants to hear.”
“Come on, man, I’m serious,” Randy said, sounding quizzical. “What gives? Are things not going as well as you hoped they would? Is it the injuries?”
“Nah, it’s nothing like that,” Carson said, running a hand over his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was get overly emotional, but he could feel his throat straining with the effort to keep himself in check. “I’m doing well. The doctors are surprised by how quickly I’m getting back into peak form.”
“Doesn’t surprise me,” Randy chuckled. “Leave it to you to be competitive about getting well. But if that’s not what’s troubling you, what is? And don’t say nothing—I know you too well for that.”
“Yeah,” Carson agreed, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he had when he’d felt nervous or afraid as a boy. “Yeah, you’re right about that.” He took a deep breath and plunged. “It’s—ever since I got back on the road, there’s been a part of me wondering if I made a giant mistake.”
“Tell me,” Randy said matter-of-factly. “I’m here to listen to whatever you need to say.”
At that, a dam broke, and somewhat to his own surprise, Carson spilled his guts in a way he couldn’t remember ever having done before, the words coming out so quickly, he could hardly get enough breath to keep going. When he was done, he felt as tired as he would have after a ten-mile run. On top of that, he was immediately afraid of Randy’s response. With every moment of silence that elapsed, his discomfort only grew.
“Okay,” Randy finally said, making Carson’s stomach lurch. “Did you just want a sympathetic ear, or do you want me to tell you what I think?”
“Tell me what you think,” Carson echoed with a heavy sigh, running an agitated hand through his hair. “Just give it to me straight because I don’t think I’m seeing straight with this anymore.”
“All right,” Randy answered. Carson could practically see him rub the back of his neck. “Here it is. I know you’ve been shooting for the rodeo since you were a kid.” He paused. “You know we’re going to support you, no matter what you choose.”
“But?” Carson asked. “Because I know there’s a but in there somewhere.”
“But,” Randy agreed. “You want to know what I really think? I love you, brother, but I think you’re being an idiot.”
“Oh?” Carson asked, stirred to laughter by the absurdity. “Is that all? Don’t sugarcoat it or anything.”
“I’m not going to,” Randy said, all humor gone from his voice. “You're a fighter, Carson, you always have been, so what I’m not understanding is why you wouldn’t want to fight to keep the woman you love.”
“You heard what she did, man,” Carson objected weakly. “Do you really think that’s a forgivable offense?”
“I don’t know, but if I recall, you’ve done your own share of questionable things in your lifetime,” Randy reminded him. “And it seems like she’s been willing to look past them. That’s what it means to be with somebody for the long term.” He put spaces between the words that followed, adding emphasis. “You forgive each other. You learn to live with each other’s mistakes, and how to do better.”
“But...” Carson objected, clenching and unclenching the hand not holding the phone. “The rodeo is what I’ve always been working toward. It’s been my dream.”
“Does it still make you happy?” Randy countered. “Are you really prepared to give up Karen—and the ranch? Because you’re fixing to lose both. You need to know that.”
“Yeah,” Carson said in a low voice, speaking more to himself now than to Randy. “Yeah, you may be right.”
The two continued to talk for another ten minutes or so, abandoning the topic of Karen for more benign topics. Still, when they hung up, Carson wasn’t sure whether he felt better or worse. Whether or not he wanted to, he was fairly certain he agreed with everything Randy had just said. The problem was, he wasn’t sure what he could do to make things right at this point. Truth was, he’d never been good at facing rejection.
In the end, a combination of his conversation with Randy and holiday spirit directed his decision. In only a few words, Randy had managed to get to the heart of the mess of confused thoughts Carson had been hauling around. Not only that, but he couldn’t imagine spending another Christmas on his own with nothing but other rodeo men f
or company. Truth be told, he couldn’t imagine spending the holidays with anybody—except Karen.
That thought, along with a bucketload of pep talk and copious amounts of coffee, got him home, pushing his truck well above the speed limit the whole way. He didn’t let himself think about his arrival, nor the distinct possibility that Karen would send him away again. He had no excuses. He had nothing but his open heart, a wish, and a prayer. He could only hope it would be enough.
When he finally guided his truck alongside the curb in front of Karen’s house, he got his first real dose of nerves. Her eaves were dressed with softly twinkling Christmas lights that made his heart ache for reasons he couldn’t quite name. Several cars were crammed into her driveway, doing nothing to improve his anxiety. The whole way up her front walk and even as he was knocking on the door, a part of him wanted to turn around and leave again, tail between his legs. Instead, he stood there, beat-up cowboy hat in hand, and took a deep breath.
“Oh,” Kelly said on opening the door, in the middle of laughing over something somebody inside had said. “Hi. It’s you.”
“It’s me,” Carson agreed, his mind going involuntarily back to the last time they had spoken. “I’m sorry, it looks like there’s a little party going on here. I can come back another time.”
“No,” she said quickly, glancing over her shoulder and coming outside, keeping the door open only a crack. “Just wait a minute, okay? I want to ask you something.”
He took a step backward, absurdly wondering if she might deck him. “Well, Kelly? The last time we talked, it didn’t go so well.”
“You’re right,” she nodded, her eyes wide and earnest in the twinkling lights. “And you deserve an apology.” He blinked in astonishment, and she smiled, adding, “I was just trying to protect her, you know? Because I love her.”
“I know you do,” he said. He smiled in spite of their recent bad blood. “You should never have to apologize for that. You’re a good sister, Kelly. Always have been.”
“Do you love her, too?” she asked out of nowhere, wrapping her arms around herself tightly and shivering in the cold. “Is that why you’re here?”
“I do,” he said, his voice breaking. He had to clear his throat to continue. “I love her more than just about anything, Kelly. I love her more than I love myself.”
“Well then, go on in,” she said softly, reaching for his arm with tears in her eyes. “Go and get her—she’s waiting for you. Sometimes I think she’s been waiting for you for all her life.”
Carson nodded, pushed the door open, and stepped inside, his heart pounding so loudly that he could hardly hear anything else. A sweetly simple Christmas tree graced the corner of the front room, but the room itself was empty. From the sound of it, all the action was going on in the back. He barely had time to ask himself how he would be able to take everyone’s curious stares before Karen came hurrying down the hall, one hand placed unconsciously over her belly.
“Kelly, are you going to shut the door? It’s freezing! What the—?”
She stopped, frozen to the spot, staring at Carson. She looked from him to Kelly, who remained silent, and then back in Carson’s direction. He held out his hands with the ridiculous feeling he might try to catch her if she decided to run away.
“I know,” he said, his heart in his throat. He took a hesitant step closer. “You weren’t expecting me. I’m thinking maybe I should have called.”
“But what are you doing here?” she asked in a small, confused voice. “I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again after that awful scene in the street.”
“I wasn’t sure that you would, either,” he said truthfully. He swallowed hard and closed the remaining distance between them, taking the risk of reaching for her hand. When she didn’t pull away, he felt the first flicker of hope. “But I’m here, and I’m wondering if I can have a moment of your time.”
“Of course,” she said, her fingers trembling in his. “If that’s what you want.”
He nodded and led her closer to the tree, giving Kelly a slight nod. She discreetly exited the room.
In the shelter of the tree, the scent of pine tickled the inside of his nose. He turned back to face her. She was heartbreakingly beautiful in the soft glow of the lights, her cheeks slightly pink, her hair like a halo of fire atop her cream-colored sweater.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, looking down at their clasped hands but making no move to end the connection. “Is your family all right?”
“Oh, yeah,” he said, smiling and squeezing her hand. “They’re great. Turns out, they like you even more than they like me, sometimes.”
“I’m sorry,” she said with a small shake of the head. “I don’t know what that means.”
“It means I was talking to Randy, and he helped me to see something,” Carson said, his eyes beginning to sting with unshed tears. “—to see a lot of things, but the most important one is what a moron I’ve been. I’m out there trying to chase a dream, and all along, my dream has been right here. You’re my dream, Karen. You and our unborn baby. There’s nothing I would like more than to spend the rest of my life showing you how true that is.”
He finally let her hand go, saying a silent prayer that his body would cooperate as he got down on one knee.
Karen gasped, her hands flying to her mouth, and then she moved as if to help him up. “Carson, please!” she cried. “You’re going to hurt yourself!”
“It’s okay,” he grinned, his hand going to the pocket of his jacket. “I’m a big boy. Besides, I want to ask you a very important question. I want to know if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife. The proposal is later than it should have been, but I mean it with my whole heart.” He gulped. “I love you, Karen.”
For a moment, she simply looked at him. His heart sank, making him feel vaguely sick and acutely foolish. He’d had no right to ask for something so big, not after the way he’d behaved, but he had allowed himself to hope for a miracle.
When she opened her mouth, he hung his head, fully expecting her to tell him to get out of her house. “Get up, McCall,” she said, her voice shaking and thick with tears. “You’re going to hurt yourself, and I’m not interested in my fiancé being an invalid all over again.”
He was halfway up before he realized what she’d said, and his eyes flew to her face. Laughing and crying at the same time, she threw her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck.
“Fiancé?” he gasped, pulling her in close, the ring box all but forgotten in his hand. “Did you just say fiancé?”
“Of course I did, you idiot,” she laughed. “What else could I say? There’s nobody in the world who’s better for me than you.”
Epilogue
“You all right there, darlin’?” Carson laughed, coming around the front of his truck and opening the passenger door. “You think you’re going to make it, or should I carry you?”
“Carry me?” Karen scoffed, breathing heavily as she pulled herself out of the truck’s cab. “Please, mister, you must have delusions of grandeur. If you think you’re going to carry me anywhere, you’re out of your ever-living mind. I’d crush you!”
“Uh-uh,” he said with a mischievous smile, holding his hands palm-out and taking an exaggerated step backward. “I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole. I’m no fool.”
Karen rolled her eyes and ran her hands over her belly, now so big that Carson sometimes had trouble believing she could walk at all. She was close to popping, so much so that Carson hadn’t been sure it was a good idea for them to attend the Fourth of July picnic at all. Karen had insisted, though. “I haven’t missed a McCall celebration yet,” she insisted, “and I’m not planning to start now!”
They walked hand in hand, Karen laughing and pointing out particularly unruly children and wondering aloud if their son would be the same. By the time they arrived at the McCall picnic blanket, though, she wiped her face and seemed grateful to finally take a seat.
&
nbsp; “Hi, you guys!” Trevor cried happily, bouncing a baby on his lap and pulling one hand free to wave. “We’re so glad you’re here!”
“We are, but you are seriously brave,” Randy said, wrangling a baby of his own. “You look like you could have your baby here and now.”
“Please,” Carson said, a flicker of real alarm blooming in his heart. “Don’t give the little goober any ideas. I’m already getting the feeling that our daughter is going to be a feisty one.”
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Karen said, her eyebrows raised and a sly smile on her face. “And it serves you right, too.”
Trevor and Randy exchanged glances, looked at Carson, and then started to laugh. Karen joined in. Soon the whole lot of them had a case of the giggles. The only ones who looked confused were the babies, who peered up at the adults with frank astonishment.
“Where are your better halves?” Carson asked, twining his fingers through Karen’s. “Did they decide that you’re more trouble than you’re worth?”
“Very funny,” Trevor said, rolling his eyes so dramatically that they started laughing again. “They took the twins to visit the swings. Very important business, you know.”
“Very important indeed,” Karen agreed, caressing Carson’s hand lightly with her thumb.
As the laughter died down and Randy started unpacking the picnic basket, Carson sat back, resting on his elbows and marveling at where his life had led him. Almost everyone he loved in the world was sitting on this blanket, and Devon and Kelly were sitting on their own blanket nearby. Looking at them all now, he could hardly believe how close he had come to losing it all. It was a terrifying thought: he didn’t like to imagine what life would be like if he had ignored Randy and stuck to his rodeoing guns.
Now, his life was simple and full of easy, uncomplicated peace. He and Karen had moved into the ranch house, taking on the job of restoration and working toward the place being a fully operational ranch once more. Inspired by his work with Devon, Carson was giving lessons to children who were eager to learn from a former rodeo star. Thankfully, some of these lessons were paid and helped to supplement the cost of building up the ranch to its former glory. While he enjoyed these, he relished the work he did with Karen and Kelly more. With her help, he was increasingly working with children with special needs; Devon acted as his creative advisor. He couldn’t remember a time when he had been so happy or so fulfilled, a feeling only magnified by having both brothers sitting with him now.
