by Seton, Cora
Mother. That was another thing. Luz Ibarra. Why hadn’t Brent ever said anything? Why had he lied about her? I meant, beyond the batshit crazy part. I wasn’t ready to think about her yet, though I figured that was coming up soon. I was still stuck in shock where she was concerned. I’d met the woman and then she was gone, arrested. How screwed up was my birth family?
Considering what I’d done, I’d expected my parents to yell and scream and tell me what a horrible person I was. But when I entered the house, no one said anything, and honestly, the silence was more crushing than yelling. They’d said all they wanted to say. They were done.
I glanced in the corner, where our Christmas tree stood. I’d forgotten in this mess that it was Christmas Eve. The tree stood in front of the living room’s bay window, on display for the whole neighborhood to see on a good night. The fireplace was draped with holly and lights.
I’d ruined Christmas. Guilt burned a hole deep into my chest. I’d broken my family. Mom was right. I needed to leave. I walked through the living room to the stairs and ran up them, but I stopped at the top, near Damien’s room, which was the first door on the left. It was open, since he was still downstairs with Mom and Dad. I pushed the door open and glanced around.
It still had his stinky pre-teen smell. His walls were painted a deep blue. He was quite the little painter. He had drawings and paintings he’d done that Mom had framed for him up on the walls around his room. I’d never met anyone who had his talent with a paintbrush. And we’d nearly lost it—and him—today.
I stepped past his room and went in mine. I’d give my family time on their own. In the meantime, I could at least start packing. I grabbed my duffel bag from the closet and tossed it on the bed. It was the same one I’d had when I came to this house. I supposed I had never truly thought that this place would ever remain my home. Otherwise, why would I have held on to this thing?
I opened the top dresser drawer and grabbed a stack of my underwear. That was what I’d always started packing with. Underwear. It was something Brent had taught me years ago. Never get caught without underwear. So, always pack that first. And it had stuck with me. It was such a small thing.
Brent. I dropped the stack inside the duffel bag and sunk to the bed. My legs felt weak at the thought of my birth father. Was he really dead? Or was that just Luz trying to unhinge me? If it was, it had worked. I’d spent half my life being angry with my birth father for not fighting for me. Now, I didn’t even have that. He’d given me up because he loved me.
Oh, my god, were my thoughts completely ramble-tastic. I had to focus. I stood back up, and grabbed more clothes. I had to pack, because my parents wanted me to leave after Christmas. I assumed that I wouldn’t have much time tomorrow. We were spending the day at the Richters, and honestly, I wanted to be selfish and maximize that time. Not only because I could spend that time with my family, but because I had to see Jesse one last time too.
*
Jesse
It was past nine on Christmas morning before I was able to detangle from the family. Sophie was up and loud at six in the morning, ready to open presents. After two hours of tearing through wrapping paper, and then an hour of breakfast, I was ready to go hide in the closet for some alone time.
But today, I had a certain task to perform, one that I hadn’t done in a long time in my fervor to forget.
I stopped by the grocery store and grabbed a bouquet of lavender-colored flowers—I wasn’t sure what kind they were, but they were the right color—and headed to the cemetery.
Sugar Falls Cemetery wasn’t one of those spooky ones. It was small enough that it was very well kept and maintained. There were several mausoleums in the place, one for each of the founding families in Sugar Falls. The Richters had one, and according to Mom, I had a place all set up for when I died. It was a bit morbid to think about.
I headed toward the Stephens’, each step getting harder to take the closer I came. I stepped inside, and glanced around. Four generations of Stephens were here, stacked neatly on top of each other. I swallowed, and stepped around the corner to the newer side, until I found Jane’s grave.
Jane Francine Stephens. Beloved daughter.
I remembered the funeral like a vivid dream. Everyone had worn black, which made the brightly-colored flowers that Jane would have loved stand out from the somber occasion. The entire town had come out for the funeral, or at least, it had felt like it. That’s what I loved about Sugar Falls. It was a small town without having to be a small town. It was also what I hated about it.
I swallowed hard and knelt down to the bottom row in front of it. What did you call these anyway? They weren’t graves if they weren’t in the ground, right? Resting places? I went with that. It sounded right.
The night of the crash was etched into my memory, seared as hotly as that car had burned. Mom was right. It wasn’t my fault. But I couldn’t help but feel that way. Jane had been troubled in so many ways. She drank a lot, she smoked pot and popped pills that she had no business having. She had done anything she could do to keep reality at bay.
“Do you know why I’m here?” I asked her. Silence greeted me back. Hell, I wasn’t completely sure why I was there either.
No one really understood why she’d done it. Why she’d killed herself. On the surface, she’d been a normal girl. In hindsight, I blamed myself for not seeing the signs when they started appearing, but what sixteen year old kid understood depression or suicidal tendencies? Mom had said it wasn’t fair that I blamed myself. Was she right?
I cleared my throat as it tightened. “Part of me doesn’t understand why you left. Why you felt like you had no other choice but death.”
The muscles in my shoulders were tight. I gripped the flowers tighter. “I thought… coming here… things would be clearer. But they’re really not. Not at all.”
I sighed. Was talking to a dead person the same as talking to myself? Was that what I was really doing? Trying to forgive myself for not being able to save Jane from herself?
I hadn’t spoken at Jane’s funeral. Dealing with grief wasn’t something I could do back then. I’d thrown myself into working out, and focusing on a career. I’d accepted that since Jane was gone, I would never find love again.
But here I was, talking to a dead girl while I was in love with another girl that would probably disappear on me too. I set the flowers down on the ground, resting against her headstone. Was I holding too tightly to Jane?
I stopped, and stood quickly. It wasn’t that I was holding too tightly to Jane. It was that I wasn’t holding tight enough to Charlie. I’d been sitting there saying how I loved her, but what if I wasn’t doing enough to make sure she would stay with me? I glanced at my watch. Almost ten in the morning. The Morgans were supposed to be coming over soon. I wondered if that meant Charlie too. I had no idea how her parents were after the church yesterday or what was going on there. I’d given them space, though last night, I’d wanted nothing more than to sneak over to her house and find out what happened.
I glanced back at where Jane lay and sighed. It was time to let Jane go.
*
Charlene
I sat on the Richters’ porch, listening to the peaceful wintry sounds. It wasn’t super cold, which meant no snow for Christmas, but it also meant I could sit out on the porch while two families enjoyed their holiday. I should have been inside, spending time with them all, but I didn’t feel like I existed there anymore. Obviously, I did, but I didn’t feel right in there. Plus, Jesse wasn’t there. His mother had said he’d gone to the cemetery.
Figured.
I could never compete against a ghost.
As if on cue, Vince’s truck rolled up into the driveway and Jesse stepped out of it. He looked particularly delicious today, wearing a long-sleeved white shirt with an Iron Man t-shirt over it and loose jeans and boots. Combat boots. That was hot.
He hesitated as he saw me, only for a split-second, but I saw it. I gripped the hot chocolate cup in my hand t
ighter. I hadn’t seen him since yesterday, since the church. I had no idea how he felt now.
He came around the truck and up the driveway. He paused at the bottom of the porch steps. “You’re here.”
Was that a good thing? I couldn’t tell. His face didn’t let a lot of emotion pass it. I supposed if he hated me, he’d have said so when he walked up.
“Yeah. My family’s inside.”
“You’re not,” he said, stepping up to the porch. The wood creaked beneath his weight. He sat down in the chair across from me. “Why is that?” Finally, he cracked a smile, and relief filled me.
“Not feeling very festive, I guess.” I shrugged.
“Damn,” he said. “I was hoping you were waiting for me.”
“Not quite,” I said. I ran my tongue over my lower lip. “I wanted to apologize to you.”
“For what?”
“For not listening to you. For dragging you into the middle of a big mess. For almost getting you killed. Pick something.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”
“Yeah, I do. I made mistakes. A lot of mistakes.”
His frown appeared slowly on his brow. “We all make mistakes.”
“I didn’t want you to be a mistake, too,” I blurted.
“Do you think of us as a mistake?” he asked. He didn’t seem upset, or angry. Just… there.
“No.” I answered quickly and added, “I guess… I’m having a hard time with—”
“Guilt.”
I blinked, surprised he was able to ascertain the exact word I’d been thinking of.
“How did you know that?”
“SEALs… we have a lot of time to worry about guilt. Our guilt, our friends’ guilt. We know the signs. A teammate feeling guilty for leaving his family behind all the time is a distracted one. We have to watch out for each other, know when we’re not focused. Because it can get us killed.”
“That seems very…” I paused, trying to think of the word. “It’s a lot more feelzy than I thought SEALs would get.”
“We don’t say it, but this is what is drilled into us. We have to watch out for each other.”
“Is that why you insisted on going to the church with me yesterday?”
He nodded. “Everyone needs someone to look out for them.”
“I don’t… I mean, I never really have had that.”
“Now you do,” he replied. He paused, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to speak again. “Charlie, I meant it when I said that I love you.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “You did?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t able to really show you, but it holds true.” I held my breath as he paused. He ran his hand through his tousled hair. He even had a couple days worth of stubble on his face. I’d never really seen him unkempt before. “I want to ask you something.”
“What?”
“Come with me.”
“What?”
“To San Diego. You were already leaving Sugar Falls before, remember? Leave with me.”
“And watch you leave to save the world all the time?”
“Something like that.” He chuckled. “I was at Jane’s grave today, just a few minutes ago, actually.” I tried not to feel that pang of jealousy over his dead girlfriend. “I realized that holding on to Jane so tightly meant I wasn’t holding tight enough to you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. I’m not ready to say goodbye, Chuckles,” he said.
My heart sped, the blood roaring in my ears. He loved me. He wanted me to leave with him. It was so much, and yet, not enough. I needed him so much, but I didn’t want to tie him down when I might be broken.
“Okay, I see those wheels turning, so don’t answer yet. Take your time.”
“You can’t save me, Jesse. I’m already broken.”
He shrugged. “Maybe you don’t really need me to save you.” He stood up and put a hand on the knob, but he didn’t open the door. He paused, looking at the door, and then to me. “Just think about it. Let me know.”
I nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
“And come in before Mom hunts you down.” He smiled, and pushed the door open. “Wait, come here.”
Numbly, I stood and walked over to the door. He pointed up. I glanced up and laughed. “Mistletoe.”
“You owe me a kiss.”
Smiling, I lifted on to my tiptoes, putting my hands on his shoulders as balance, and touched his lips with mine. God, he was just as warm as he’d been yesterday.
A rumbling laugh escaped him. “Your lips are freezing.”
“I’ve ben sitting out here for an hour.”
“Time to come join the family, Chuckles.” He took my hand. “Ready?”
I nodded. He pulled me into the warmth of home, and the door clicked shut behind us, trapping the cold of the Texas air outside of the house.
Chapter Nineteen
Jesse
‡
I stretched out on my bed, completely exhausted. Christmas with five brothers and sisters zapped every bit of energy I had. Add in the Morgan family as well, and it was such an incredibly busy day. Maybe it was because I wasn’t used it. Or maybe it was seeing Jane’s grave, or asking Charlie to come away with me. Or maybe it was everything combined.
A soft tap on the glass caught my attention, but I almost ignored it, since that big oak stood by my window. But it was definitely not a tree branch, so I stood up and pulled up the blinds.
Charlie smiled at me, crouched on my roof wearing a black hoodie and blue jeans. She’d changed her clothes to shimmy up the oak tree to my room?
I pushed up the window. “Charlie? What are you doing?”
“Hey,” she cleared her throat. “Can I come in?”
I helped her inside and shut the window behind her. “So…” When I turned around, she cupped my face and smashed her lips against mine. Her tongue touched my lips and I opened them, allowing her entry. Wet and hot, her tongue slid along mine, with beautiful, arousing friction. My dick strained against my jeans, and suddenly, I wished I’d taken them off when I’d come in the room.
When we separated, her lips were red and swollen by the kiss, her hair mussed. I didn’t remember tangling my fingers in her hair, but that’s where one hand was, the other had slipped into her back pocket, flush against her ass.
“I like that greeting,” I murmured against her forehead.
“We need to talk,” she said, pulling me to the bed.
“Chuckles, taking me to bed is pretty much guaranteeing that we’re not going to talk,” I warned her.
She laughed. “Just listen to me for a sec.”
She sat down, pulling me to her side. She didn’t let go of my hands. She rolled her bottom lip into her mouth, between her teeth.
“So, what’s up?” I hoped that wasn’t my voice that just cracked.
“I wanted to tell you… I’m leaving.” Dread filled my being. Leaving?
“What?”
“Relax, cowboy,” she said. “I’m leaving Sugar Falls. I want to go with you. To San Diego.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t even think of anything to say. I just wanted to push her to the mattress and have my way with her, but she was still in serious mode, so I thought maybe that wasn’t the best course of action.
She paused. “I mean, that is, if you still want me to go…”
I kissed her, holding her face in my hands, so she knew exactly where I stood on that issue.
“So… is that a yes?” she asked, smiling lightly. She seemed insecure, her eyes uncertain.
“Are you kidding me? I just asked you this morning. What makes you think I would change my mind?”
“Well,” she paused. “I’m not going to be able to afford living alone in San Diego. It’s expensive there, and I won’t have a job yet… I was hoping I could stay with you.”
I blinked. She thought I’d asked her to move to San Diego on her own? “I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I wanted you to come to San Diego, Chu
ckles.”
“Oh…” she stared at me, her expression confused. “Oh! You meant…”
“I meant, I wanted you with me. Like, in the same place. Together?”
“Like we could get an apartment together?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I can afford a place just fine if you want to just go to school and stuff. I mean, if you want. We can talk about all that financial stuff later. I just want you there.”
“Now I feel a little stupid,” she said, giggling nervously.
“Don’t,” I whispered against her lips, and silenced her with another kiss. “Just say yes.”
“Yes,” she whispered back. Her arms snaked around my neck, pressing her breasts against my chest. It couldn’t be comfortable the way she was sitting, her body turned so sharply. I pulled her into my lap, but she straddled me instead so she faced me. “I love you. I didn’t tell you that before, but I do.”
“I know,” I said. Our lips met in such a fiery burn, I lost my breath.
“Spent the night with me, Jesse,” she gasped when we came up for air. “Make me feel.”
“I feel too much when I’m with you.”
“Then share that with me, and we’ll feel too much together.”
“You shouldn’t tease a man, Chuckles,” I told her. “My resistance is non-existent where you’re concerned.”
“Who’s teasing?” Her face was utterly serious, and her voice took a low, sultry tone. She unzipped her hoodie and let it slide from her shoulders. The t-shirt underneath form fitted to her curves, and was just a little too short, flashing a hint of her smooth skin at her midriff.
I rested my hands on her hips, squeezing my thumbs against her inner thighs at the beautiful sight she made.
“You’re trouble, Chuckles,” I whispered, sliding my arms around her and pulling her close. I tilted my head, meeting her luscious lips. Warmth surrounded my tongue when I slipped it between her lips. I loved the feel of her tongue against mine. I slid my hands beneath her shirt and pushed it upward, brushing my palms over her breasts. I rested against them, cupping the warm globes. She sighed against my lips and the next moment, she ripped the shirt over her head.
