“Because that’s not the first time I’d ever heard that.”
“The boyfriend before Theo.”
“Brad.”
“Right, Brad.” She smiled, happy he’d remembered but she was brought back to reality when her smile wasn’t returned. “He thought we were having an affair.” She cleared her throat, snatched his glass, and took a sip of his beer. She’d always hated the bitter brew but hoped for the liquid courage she’d always heard about.
“If you were looking for something with a bit more kick, I could have ordered something.” He smiled at her, but then he must have remembered he was mad at her and the smile faded.
“He said I moaned your name in my sleep. I told him he must be imagining it, that I probably was murmuring something else. He bought a tape recorder and taped me so we both could hear it. Brad was furious, but I didn’t think much of it. We spend a lot of time together, so maybe I was dreaming of you.”
“Is that what you told him?”
“I told him that was what it could be. It’s possible, isn’t it?”
“Probably not.”
“What would you do if your girlfriend said another man’s name in her sleep?”
“I wouldn’t know. I don’t usually stay the night.”
She regretted bringing that up, as he looked like he was going to shut down or bolt or both. She started to talk quickly to get everything out she could.
“I was telling the truth about not being able to have an orgasm with anyone else, but I thought maybe if I was with you sexually, I could work you out of my system and then move on.”
“How’s that working for you?”
“Don’t be mean. I’ve learned a lot being with you these past couple of weeks. Like how you take the time to learn people and how you try to make them feel special. Even going against some things I know you don’t particularly like to do and doing them for me. I truly appreciate that.” She stopped to look at the effect her speech was having on Liam and found his face was again blank.
“I didn’t mean to tick you off by bringing your mother to your house for the breakfast. I didn’t know you wouldn’t be happy to see her. Probably because my mother died around the same time she left you, and I would have given anything to know my mother, to spend time with her. I just thought you would too. I didn’t mean it as a betrayal or me thinking I could control you. I just—”
“Your mother died. My mother just left.”
“I know, but she wanted to talk to you about that. You can still have something with her. I thought maybe if you cleared the air with her, you’d be ready to face whatever it is that has you not wanting to commit to anyone.”
“So you thought if you could fix me and my mommy problem, I’d be able to commit to you.”
“Well, it seems pretty selfish when you say it like that. I just thought about how you always said you didn’t want a commitment, and when I found out about your mother, I figured maybe that was the reason why.”
“That’s because you were only thinking about yourself.”
“That’s not true. I was thinking about both of us. We have so much in common. We like the same offbeat indie movies, we talk about any topic, we laugh and have fun doing really nothing at all. We enjoy each other’s company.”
He was just staring at her, and she didn’t think she was going to like what he said, but she pressed on. “We can just sit in the same room not talking and it’s more fun than I have with most people at their most festive.”
“I don’t want to be tied down. You said you understood that, but you really didn’t, did you? You say you know me, but you don’t. There was a reason I kept the relationship the way it was, and that was because I know you are a keeper, but I don’t want a keeper. I don’t want to be in a relationship at all. You are too kindhearted, and that’s why you get stepped on so often. You need to guard yourself. I should have told you no when you asked me to help you, but I wanted it to happen too.”
“I don’t want to guard myself. I know what I want, and I guess it’s always been what I wanted. I love you, Liam, I probably always have, but I knew if I let you know that, you would run from me like you do all the other women you love and leave. I thought I was different. It wasn’t just about sex. Well, at first I thought it was, but I was wrong. We have something meaningful. You know more about me than you do all the other girls combined, and here’s the truth. You don’t want to be in a committed relationship, but we’ve been in one for the last four years.”
“What?” That one clearly shocked him, but she was pleased to see something other than the dull, bored look he’d had on all night when in her presence.
“A friendship relationship.”
“Raina, don’t love me. I can’t love you. I can’t love anyone.” The blank expression cracked, and if asked, she didn’t know if she would have been able to describe her contentment when she witnessed that he cared about her at least to some extent. “Loving me will only cause you pain.” He moved closer to her. “This is why I didn’t want to do this. I never wanted to be one of the guys who hurt you. I’ve wanted you for a long time, but I made sure I didn’t take what you’ve been offering. But when you put it out there on full display like a present, I couldn’t turn it down.”
He placed his palm on her cheek, and she leaned into his hand.
“The friendship has to be over too.” His voice was deep and firm.
“What…why?” She snapped her head away from his hand and stared at him. This was not the way she’d wanted this to go.
“I’m the reason you can’t be with anyone else. I’ll take myself out of the equation, and you’ll forget about me.”
“Liam, you can’t believe that. Didn’t you just hear me tell you I love you? I love that you are trying to save me, that you want me to have the family I want, and I love that you at least look like you give a damn. But let’s be honest. I can’t be with someone else when it’s you I’ve always wanted.”
She watched him shake his head, but she’d seen him do that before and she’d been able to sway him her way.
“Let’s just try to work this out.”
“Good-bye, Raina.”
“Wait! You’re not even going to give this a chance?”
“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. This is all about you and what you want and need, but I don’t want any part of this.”
“Liam—”
“I’m going to ask that you respect my request of keeping your distance and leaving me alone.”
“But—”
“Don’t be like the other women who just hang on after it’s over. Don’t make me be mean to you. I don’t want to do that, but I will.” His expression was sad but unmovable. He got up and strolled back to the beautiful blonde.
She sat there for a few minutes feeling like she’d been in a fight. Her body felt sore, and it hurt to breathe. She just wanted to lie down where she sat.
Ethan came over and slid into the seat next to her.
“Everything is going to be all right. You sit here, and I’ll grab my things so I can walk you to your car.”
Elaine sashayed over from the bar. “You thought being his friend would make you special, and you thought you were better than the rest of us. I told you it wouldn’t take long for you to be just like everybody else. I know you think I was trying to be mean, but I didn’t want it to happen to you without you at least being warned that it could happen.” She gave Raina’s arm a comforting squeeze and then sauntered off into the crowd.
Raina attempted to focus on the last items she had to share about the Fire Ball, and when everyone was back, she started to speak but found herself looking for Liam.
He was there, looking as if nothing had happened. She could see the blonde on the other side of the glass wall, waiting with a drink like she had nothing but time. She was probably waiting to go home with Liam. When their eyes met, he had the good manners to look away.
The information was brief, and everyone was happy that they�
��d done their jobs well. They straightened up their mess, and all were released. She hung back because she didn’t want to see Liam and blondie go off together.
Ethan came back. “Ready to go?”
“I’m fine.”
“Well, I’m going to do it anyway, so let’s go.”
She walked out quickly without looking around. You couldn’t fret about what you didn’t see.
When she got to her car, Ethan pulled her in for a hug, and that was her undoing. She tried to hold it all in, but the sobs racked her body. He just stood there and held her.
“He’s a good guy. I know you may not think he is right now, and I know he doesn’t think he is, but I know the truth. Whatever it is you two have together is real, and it’s powerful. Anyone can see that.”
“Thanks, Ethan. I don’t know if I believe the last part, but thank you for trying.”
He gave her a kiss on the forehead and opened her car door. “You okay to drive?”
“Yes.”
“Should I follow you home?”
She laughed because now the footloose playboy sounded like someone’s guardian. “No, I’ll be fine.”
“All right. I’ll see you tomorrow for the last look over, and we’re done, right?”
“Right.” The door closed, and it hit her that this was it. She’d given it her best chance, and it hadn’t worked. She knew she’d have to pull herself together if she didn’t want to see Ethan later at her home. She sat up straight and did what she did best…dealt with it.
* * * *
He never should’ve followed them outside. Watching her cling to Ethan while she bawled her eyes out was a mental picture he could have done without. It was hard to believe that he’d done that to her. She’d have thought he’d be leaving with Ella because he’d made sure she’d think that, but only because he’d seen her when she thought she was on to something and they may be able to work this whole thing out between them. She thought she was on to him, but it couldn’t be. This was why he didn’t do attachments—they just left you vulnerable and broken inside. He’d much rather have a million throwaway Ellas than one true keeper like Raina.
“Never thought I’d see the day you turned out to be such a coward.” Ethan’s voice didn’t sound like the fun-loving, carefree guy he typically was.
“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand or know nothing about.”
“I know you have a woman who loves you. You. Not the decorated lieutenant of the fire department, but just you, the guy she waits for and is happy to see. The whole fire crew thought Theo was crazy for trying to get with her when she’s always only had eyes for you.”
“Mind your own business, Ethan. This isn’t anything I want to talk about or hear about again.”
“You just don’t want to be happy, is that it?”
“This is coming from the biggest player around.”
“It’s true, but I play because I haven’t found anyone who does it for me. You have. I won’t ask you to admit it. I don’t want to believe you’re a liar as well as a coward.”
Ethan walked off without saying another word, and the empty, hollow feeling he’d had since he was a child began to fill up. He tried to will it away, force it down into the box like he normally did and cover it with nothingness. It should work. It had always worked before.
He’d go to…that was the rub. He didn’t have anywhere to go. His safe haven was gone, his quiet place was gone, but that was okay. He’d been fine without her before; he’d do it again.
Chapter Eleven
Raina crawled into bed and decided she’d worry about it all tomorrow. She couldn’t believe she’d laid it all on the line, told him everything, and the blonde beauty still won. She wasn’t going to think about all the things he was probably doing to and with her. The tears that came from her eyes couldn’t be blinked away. It was times like this she really missed her mom—although a big hug and a sugar cookie might not fix the problems she was having at this moment, being in her calming presence had always helped.
Looking back, she should have known what this was all about. When she’d first met him, she’d been in awe that he would even speak to someone like her. She’d had a friend who loved uniformed men and had heard about the bar because it was a well-known hangout for firemen and police officers. She was sure Beth had taken her because she was the least likely to draw notice of all their mutual friends.
She was medium height and slight of build; she’d been told that she had a boyish shape until she took off her clothes, and then she had a little something to speak of. Her B-cup breasts were really perky, but they seemed to get lost in her clothes.
They’d seen Liam when he walked in the door.
* * * *
Women followed him all around the bar. She could tell he came to this place often. She watched him talk to people, grab a beer, and then meander over to the table next to theirs. He never let on that he even saw them until he was upon their table.
“Hello, ladies.” He sat at the large table, and they watched as hot guy after hot guy sat with him. She could hear them talking and laughing.
Her friend Beth had started talking with some of the guys at their table and trying to buddy up with the first guy who’d sat down.
Raina felt so lame sitting there. She was good with women and even couples but not with big, gorgeous guys. She drank her cola and spoke to a few of the people at the table, but she really wanted to go home.
“Bars not really your scene?” The beautiful one sat down in the chair next to her. With everyone getting up and moving and talking to people from other tables, it was hard for her to concentrate on who was where.
“Not really. I’m more of a ‘stay at home’ girl.”
“What’s your name, ‘stay at home girl’?”
“Raina.”
“Raina. That’s a pretty name. My name is Liam.”
“Sounds like you all are from Fire Station 9.”
“We are. And what do you do?”
“She’s an event planner.” Beth barged into the conversation, and although it was a loud place, she seemed to be screaming.
Beth was annoyed; Raina could tell that from the overly bright smile and dagger eyes she was being given. She must be talking to the guy Beth had picked out for herself. No problem; she was getting tired anyway, so she’d catch a cab home. Something had told her to bring her car, but she hadn’t listened to her gut.
Liam looked over at both of them, and Raina wondered what he thought of them. Beth was stacked and knew how to show off what she had without looking like she was showing her wares. Raina didn’t have that talent or that body. Beth pulled over a chair from another table and situated it so they were all in a tight little triangle.
“So I hear you’re the lieutenant. What does that job entail?”
“I am having a conversation with Raina here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that Raina doesn’t usually hang around a lot of guys. I didn’t want you to overwhelm her.”
Now Beth had her sounding like an antisocial loser—and then she remembered she’d told him she’d rather be at home.
“Right,” she said, standing up. “I have to get going.” She turned and looked at Liam. “It was nice meeting you.” She went to the bathroom to call a cab and use the facilities. Who knew how long it would take her to get home.
Thank goodness the bar wasn’t in a bad area, because there was no way she was going to stay inside and wait for the cab she’d called. It was bad enough she had to sit there with all those hunky guys, but if Beth was going to make her look and feel like some sort of weirdo she had to speak for, she’d rather wait outside. She was safe but freezing. One thing about being slim—she seemed to get cold quickly and often. Too bad she hadn’t drunk any alcohol while she was in there; it might have warmed her up.
She could hear the muffled sounds of people having fun in the bar even with the door closed. Suddenly the sounds were louder and then muffled again. Someone mu
st have come outside. A warm coat was placed around her shoulders, and she just knew that an angel must have heard her secret request for warmth, but she wasn’t prepared for the handsome devil who’d been the deliverer of said warmth.
“Your friend is kind of a jerk. How’d you end up coming here with her?” Liam asked.
“Just lucky, I guess.” That brought a smile out of him that made her heart fall down to a place she shouldn’t even be thinking about with a man she’d met less than forty-five minutes before.
“Need a ride home?”
A handsome guy, a needed ride home, and nobody knew she was with him. All right, yes, she watched too many episodes of Dateline and he looked safe enough, but she’d rather be safe than sorry.
“Cautious, huh? Good trait. Here are my phone and my driver’s license.”
“What am I supposed to do with those?”
“You can take my phone and call your phone and say that you are letting this man drive you home. Read my name, address, and license number into the phone, and tell the day and time. If anything happens to you, they’ll check your phone records, and there I’ll be.”
She did as he’d told her. “How do I know you won’t erase it?”
“I can’t erase it from your phone. I don’t know your code. Come on. I’m a lieutenant fireman, everyone saw you leave, and I followed soon after. There is a bar full of firemen and police personnel who were witnesses to the whole thing, and it’s just a ride home.”
She wasn’t really frightened of him—he gave off such a friendly aura—but she was glad he was helping her protect herself.
The ride home was so much fun. Liam was charming and funny, and although she didn’t know him well, it felt like he was going out of his way to make her comfortable. It was working very well.
They pulled up at her home, and she thought about the woman she would like to be. Invite him in for a cup of coffee or something. That probably would sound like she was trying to jump him, which wouldn’t be far from the truth. She’d seen enough women hit on him in the bar that she didn’t want to be one of the many who harassed him. Maybe he could just use a friend. That was a good idea—she might not have him for herself, but she could be close to him. She’d sat there for a while before she noticed he’d gotten out of the car and opened her door. A gentleman, who looks like that—be still my heart.
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