His cheek came off the back of my head. “Really?”
“Well, farting.” I turned my head to talk to him over my shoulder. “There’s still farting to be embarrassed about.”
He kissed my hair.
“…but apart from that, and possibly peeing in the middle of an orgasm—that would be terrible—I can’t imagine anything I’d be embarrassed about with you. And I’ve never felt that way with a man before.”
He made a soft huffing sound. “Not even with Doug. After ten years?”
I could have hassled him for bringing Doug into our conversation, but I could hear insecurity in his voice, so I said, “I was always embarrassed about peeing too loudly with Doug. For ten years I squirmed on the seat to get in the right position, trying to make myself pee slowly so it wouldn’t make such a splash in the ensuite toilet, in case he heard it from the bed.”
Finn seemed to consider that. “So you never peed in front of him.”
My stomach turned over. “No.” I pulled out of his arms and stood up, facing him. “And I’m not peeing in front of you either. Ever.”
“Okay!” He held up a hand in surrender. “And I won’t pee in front of you—”
“No you won’t!” I shuddered for good measure. “Some things should be private. Toilet things should be private. That’s all I’m saying.” I crossed my arms.
“Okay. I’m picking up what you’re putting down.”
He was teasing me but I was too disgruntled to acknowledge it. “I’m serious. No peeing with the door open.”
“I’ve got it. But anal sex, spanking and adult toys are okay?”
“Perfectly.”
He cracked an angelic smile. “I love you,” he said, and God help me I could see it shining in his eyes.
I wanted more of it. Forever. But…
He stood and uncrossed my arms, then he started stroking them, and I didn’t want him to stop.
“I know you love me,” he said, and his fingers slid across to caress my breasts. “Can I lick you again?”
Were those two statements related? He might be trying to confuse me, or perhaps he was just free-associating. Most of my thoughts led back to sex, particularly when he was standing in front of me naked.
“Jill?”
I struggled to concentrate. “I could be tender there. Tenderized, in fact.”
This time he smiled sheepishly instead of being embarrassed. “I’ll be gentle.”
“Really?”
He frowned, and I realized I wasn’t making sense.
“I mean, Really? You want to lick me again?”
“I loved it.” He shook his head. “Are you putting me off because you didn’t like it?”
“No. I loved it too.” In fact, I’d made so much noise it was a wonder management hadn’t complained. “I want to text Ange and thank her for talking me into this.” I gestured between the two of us. “Into having sex with you.”
His frown deepened. “Who’s Ange?”
“Another of my girlfriends. The one who said I needed to see if you fit me. Metaphorically.” I glanced down at his penis and saw it was taking an interest in the conversation.
“I’d like to text and thank her too,” he said, and smiled that delicious lopsided smile of his.
And just so he was one hundred percent sure, I added, “I loved everything about it. The licking, the fucking, the fierce fucking…” I raised an eyebrow to mock him, “…and the cuddling afterward. You’re my favorite lover. When I’m with you I don’t want to do it with anyone else.”
His restless hands stilled on my shoulders. “Is that true?”
Okay. That was a mistake. “I don’t want to doesn’t mean that I won’t,” I said gently. “It’s my job, at the moment—”
“But the tea shop. Sieu said it would—”
“Finn.” I pressed my fingers to his lips. “I need to keep working so I can… save for a house. One day I might be able to stop. But not yet.”
He frowned so hard I was worried he’d have a permanent crease in his forehead. “There has to be another way.”
“There is. I shack up with you, and you pay my bills.”
His eyes widened in delight and surprise, as if he’d never imagined I’d suggest such a thing.
I hadn’t.
“That’s not going to happen. You’re fresh out of a marriage. We barely know each other.” I shrugged. “The situation is what it is. I fuck men for money. You’re either okay with it, or we say goodbye. Because I’m not going to be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself.”
“I’m okay with it.” A blatant lie. “And did you just say you’re going to ‘be with’ me? As in, a relationship?”
Damn Finn. He was always jumping ahead. “I didn’t say that.”
Did I? I wasn’t sure. Just how far was Angela’s Carpe Diem meant to stretch?
“I want to be with you,” he said, and took both my hands. “Let me be perfectly clear. I’m separated. I’ve filed for divorce. That will take some months to settle. But I want to date you. I want to marry you, and I want us to make children together, anywhere you want—I don’t care where we live.”
I stood blinking at him, wondering why this was happening to me now. Finn was the man I’d been waiting for all my life: honest, protective, funny and gentle—except for fierce fucking. And all I could offer him was Wait for me. Wait until I don’t need to earn money from fucking strangers. I can be with you then. But would he wait? And even if he did, would he respect me when I’d finished that job? Or maybe I shouldn’t worry about that. Maybe I should simply throw myself into his arms and have as much amazing sex as I wanted, without caring about the future.
When I didn’t respond to his declaration, he said, “Jill, do you love me?”
I nodded helplessly.
“Say it.” His face was dead-serious.
“I love you. I want to make love with you. I don’t know how long it will last.” I hiccupped a breath, willing myself to slow down, but the gush of emotion had been banked up too long. “I want to be with you,” I said in all honesty. “I don’t think you can be with me, but if you want to try—”
“I do…” he said reverently. Then he held my hands so lightly, I felt as if I’d float away.
You’re at the edge of the cliff, Jill. Jump off and fly…
“Alright then. Let’s do it.” An upsurge of buoyant emotions rose within me, as if my heart was a cork that had just been released from the icy depths and bobbed straight up to the warm surface of an ocean of love.
Finn kissed my fingertips. Then he held them at his lips, staring at me over the top of them, his eyes shiny and bright.
At last he lowered them, sucked in a breath and said, “I have to tell you something now, and this is where you don’t walk away. Remember you promised to offer me right of reply.”
The air between us instantly cooled, and my warm ocean fantasy burst like a soap bubble in the sun.
“Pardon?” I felt skin prickling on the back of my neck, and something about the way he let go of my hands, the watchful expression in his eyes, all screamed premeditation. “Oh God, did you plan this?” I pointed at the bed. “Soften me up with sex and then…” I shook my head. “What?”
“I have to tell you something,” he said again.
“Something I won’t like.”
Jesus, where was my armor? Why wasn’t it snapping back into place? I should be stepping back, crossing my arms, throwing on clothes. Something! But instead, I was standing with my arms at my sides, naked and vulnerable in front of a man who was about to kick me in the guts.
I could feel it coming, and I’d never been less prepared in my life.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The Bad Luck Lottery
I gritted my teeth. “Just get it over with.”
He took a step backward, putting space between us, and my guts churned harder. This was going to be bad. “You know I was married to Katinka and we never had children.”
“Yes.”
“Well…this is about someone else. Another woman,” he clarified.
“Another woman.” I was parroting and couldn’t stop myself. Part of me wanted the world to stop so I could catch up, but most of me wanted this over with.
“Fritha obviously hasn’t told you about this.”
There was no pang of jealousy this time. Just the cold realization that Fritha had already heard whatever was to come. And she hadn’t warned me. I was wondering what she could have been thinking, when a realization hit me. “Did she tell you to have sex with me first and unburden your shit second?”
I will kill her.
He stared at me, clearly not wanting to incriminate her, but silence could do that just as well.
“So fuck her and her tea house.” I was so angry I felt like my eyeballs might explode.
“I’m going to tell you now,” he said softly, as if his tone would calm me.
And I hated that. I hated being managed. So I raised my voice. “Just get it over with!”
“I’ve got a child coming.” He stared at me with no expression on his face, for ten seconds at least. “Not with Katinka.”
“What?” I shook my head. Inside that vast empty cavern a small voice said, Didn’t see that coming, but apart from that I had nothing but white-noise in my ears and white-hot fury in my veins. I couldn’t even say And you didn’t tell me that, because…?
I must have had some expression on my face, because he put up both hands. “I know it’s a shock. I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want you to wipe me before I had a chance with you.”
Something cold inside me closed over the molten anger, encapsulating it into the ugly box along with all the other disappointments of my life. My anger at Finn was a distant thing then, and I was back under control. My breathing slowed and I nodded.
“This is your right of reply. Go.”
He seemed hesitant then. “Are you going to listen?
I nodded. “I don’t know how you could expect me to be anything other than angry, but I promised to listen to your lame-ass excuse for keeping a deal-breaking secret. And I will.”
He nodded back, but the light had gone out in his eyes. He knew it was over. He’d fucked up. This definitely wasn’t my fault. I’d come more than halfway, making myself vulnerable, trusting that he was one of the good guys. I’d put my heart on a little platter and handed it to him.
He’d stabbed it.
“Sieu wanted children.”
“You slept with Sieu?” I knew it! From the moment I met that smarmy little—
“Sieu is gay. I donated sperm to impregnate her partner, Lizzie. So they could have a child.”
A flare of jealousy burned so deeply, it felt like my liver exploding. Another woman was having his baby. And not a stranger. This was someone he’d see regularly. Would they make him the honorary father? Would he be over at their house having play-dates with that child instead of spending time with me, with our children? And what did this Lizzie look like? Was she sexy?
I swallowed sickly, revolted by the whole situation. “And Katinka approved?”
He held my gaze for only a few seconds before he glanced away, and snap, my armor was back in place. I could feel it like Teflon. Nothing was going to stick to me now.
“So you went behind her back. Was it payback for her cheating?”
“I’d just found out for sure that her girlfriend was…her girlfriend. And after all I’d been through to—”
“So instead of divorcing her, you decided to have a baby with someone else? Charming.”
“I shouldn’t have gone behind her back. I know that now. You’re right. I should have divorced her. But it’s complicated—”
“Ah, yes. By all means, throw in the It’s complicated cliché,” I snapped. “That explains every bad thing.”
“I know this is hard to hear,” he said, and I just shook my head. He had no idea. “…but it’s also hard to say. I thought I was doing the right thing. For Sieu. For Lizzie.”
Good idea. Remind me about the woman who’s carrying your baby.
“Yeah, you’re a real knight in shining armor.” I shook my head. “All that crap about me being your first infidelity, and you acting so coy. That was all bullshit.”
“Sperm donation isn’t infidelity.”
“Tell that to Katinka. I’ll bet she felt betrayed.” Just like I do now. He said nothing so I rolled my eyes and turned away to find my clothes. “Thanks for the interesting bedtime story. Pity you didn’t see fit to tell me before you fucked me.” I snatched my dress up off the floor.
“Let me finish,” he said quietly.
I rounded on him. “Oh there’s more? Other children? Other wives? Other mistresses?”
He was very still, and there was a quiet dignity about him that wasn’t diminished by his lack of clothes or mussed hair. I could have thought he was gorgeous, but that revelation slipped off my Teflon armor like rain off a windscreen.
“I was a virgin when I met Katinka ten years ago.”
Okay. That stopped me cold. “You were in your mid-twenties. That’s bullshit.”
“We’d been pen pals for ten years. I’d been waiting for her to arrive in Australia. I thought I was in love with her.”
I wanted to say With a woman you’d never met? but when I considered all the online romances going on around the world, that wasn’t such a stretch. “She’s older than you.”
“Fifteen years, but I didn’t know that. She was thirty when she started writing to me, looking to become someone’s Russian bride. She sent me pictures of her cousin who was my age.”
“So when she arrived…”
“I’d saved up for her to have a holiday here, and the first night she arrived I lost my virginity.”
“But she wasn’t the same person in the photos.”
“She was the same person who’d been writing the letters. I’d thought I was in love with that person. She was all I knew. All I’d let myself know. I hadn’t dated anyone else. You are the only other woman I’ve ever had sex with. In my life.”
I’d like to say that my Teflon wavered, but it didn’t. These things he was telling me were facts. My emotions were too closed down to see how they related to me. “So you were a virgin when you met her.”
“She told me we’d have children, but she already knew she couldn’t conceive.”
“When did you find that out?”
“Six months ago.”
“So why did you stay?” That was the one thing I could never understand about dysfunctional relationships. My trapdoor exit was ready to swing open at the slightest hint of upset. Yet other people put up with diabolical shit.
“Loyalty,” he said, and then shrugged, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he’d done. “Friendship. She was funny and charming and I thought she genuinely loved me. Then I found out that she loved her girlfriend and I was just a meal ticket. Even then, I tried to make it work.”
I shook my head slowly. “It took you ten years—twenty if you count the pen pal time—to work out that she just wanted you for the lifestyle you could provide?”
He must have heard the skepticism in my voice. “I might be good at business, Jill, but I’m crap at relationships.” He looked defeated. “Surely you can work that out by now.”
I was crap at relationships too, but I knew that putting two wrongs together wasn’t the best way to make a right. “So after I’d heard this story and forgiven you—I assume that’s what you were expecting—”
“Hoping.”
“What did you think would happen? That I’d be fine with you having a baby with someone else?” I shook my head, willing my Teflon to hold, but it was slipping. I could feel my hands trembling. “I don’t want that. Any more than you want to be with someone who fucks husbands. So it’s just as well we’ll never see each other again.”
Before he could reply, I threw the dress over my head and stormed out. Of course, I couldn’t get into my room because I didn’t have the door
key, so I marched down to reception and made Melody produce a new key. Then I told her I was about to check out, and to make up a bill for me to pay—not Finn—me.
I don’t know whether my cold anger had her worried that I was going to complain about her, but she hurried to comply and by the time I was showered, packed and back at reception an hour later, she had my account ready for payment. I managed to find some civility as I was leaving, and then I was on the road, phoning Ange.
“Can I visit? I need a hug.”
“Of course. Come now.”
I can’t begin to describe how grateful I was for girlfriends, even as I was considering never speaking to Fritha again—or at least not for a month—and worrying that Missy Lou would scalp me for sleeping with Finn.
Dammit, she’d told me not to.
I hadn’t listened.
And now look at the situation I was in: even more hopelessly in love with a man who was a bigger fuck up than me. If that was possible. I didn’t need that. I needed a man who was steady and sensible. Sexy, sure, but reliable. And above all, honest. Not honest when it suited him, like after he’d gotten his end in. Honest up front. Hadn’t I been honest with Finn from the start? Hadn’t I blabbed about every sexual experience I was having? Not to mention that Fritha had probably also told him that my sex life with Doug had been less than inspiring.
A niggling part of my brain was saying You didn’t tell him about why you’re husband sitting, but I pushed that aside as not being pertinent.
Sunlight sparkled on the water to my left as I cruised alongside the Pacific Ocean, and it should have calmed me, but I couldn’t enjoy it. My thoughts kept drifting to how sexy Finn was, how aroused he’d made me, and how cruel it was for him to show me something fabulous and then make it impossible for me to continue on with it.
Bastard.
I mean, what woman would stay with a man like that? It would be stupider than him staying with Katinka once he knew she was cheating. Not that Finn was cheating now, or ever actually had, because he was right, sperm donation wasn’t sex. But, what if Sieu or this Lizzie—slut, I hated her already—what if they wanted another baby? Would Finn put his hand up for that? And where would that leave me—stuck with either refusing them the right to be parents of genetically matched children, or giving in and having jealousy eat me up from the inside while some other woman carried his child. Again.
Husband Sit (Husband #1) Page 24
