‘I was not,’ I protested.
‘You did,’ George mocked.
‘When?’ Amy asked.
‘Tonight, just before I rang you.’
Amy looked puzzled. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She reached for her own glass and took a drink. ‘Tell me exactly what happened,’ she said.
‘Do you mind?’ Marc asked, eyeing up the bottle of wine. Amy nodded her approval. Marc filled his glass and carefully put the bottle back. He looked at the glass in his hand.
‘Just tell me,’ Amy urged.
Marc took a deep breath and kept his eyes on his wine as he spoke. His words came slowly. ‘I was wrapping Naomi’s present. The tape wasn’t playing the game, it kept wrapping itself around my fingers.’ He took a drink and I exchanged a look with George. ‘I heard her laughing.’
‘I wasn’t laughing at you,’ I said, inching closer to him.
‘She wasn’t laughing at me, though.’
I was shocked when Marc repeated what I had said. A noise escaped as I gasped but apparently only George heard it.
Marc set his glass on the table. ‘It wasn’t like she was laughing at me … she was just laughing. She thought it was funny that I was struggling with the sellotape.’
Marc and Amy looked at each other. Amy was the first to look away.
It took me a second or two to realise that I had moved towards Amy, as if I were giving her my support.
‘He’ll explain himself in a minute,’ I told her. ‘Just give him a minute,’ I urged. ‘It’s not what you’re thinking.’ I looked towards Marc and willed him to speak.
‘How did you feel?’ Amy’s voice was hoarse.
‘What do you mean?’
‘When you heard Ellen … laugh.’
Marc’s head tilted. ‘I did hear her,’ he said.
‘I know you did.’
Marc seemed agitated. ‘I heard it like I’ve heard it a thousand times before.’
‘I believe you,’ Amy said, reaching her hand out.
‘I didn’t imagine it,’ he insisted.
‘I didn’t say you did,’ now Amy was agitated too.
‘Oh, for God’s sake!’ I exclaimed. ‘Will the pair of you just grow up?’ I turned to Marc. ‘She’s asked you a perfectly good question,’ I said. ‘Tell her how it made you feel.’
Marc shook his head, ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
‘It’s OK,’ Amy answered for both of us.
‘No, it’s not,’ he said. ‘I haven’t explained myself very well.’ He reached for his wine. ‘At first I thought I was imagining it,’ he said, looking deep into his glass. ‘You know, like it was something I wanted to hear. But I wasn’t, it was real.’ He looked up from the glass. ‘It is something I wanted to hear, but I didn’t imagine it.’
‘I believe you,’ Amy said, but I wondered if she did.
‘I never got the chance to say goodbye.’ Marc was looking in Amy’s direction but his eyes had a glazed, vacant look. ‘I kissed her goodbye when I left for work and promised I wouldn’t be late because we were going out with her friend.’ He paused while he pushed his hair back. ‘I never saw her alive again.’ I noticed that Amy was plucking at a fingernail. It broke. She ripped it off and threw it to the side. She started on the next nail as she listened. ‘When I got home there was a police car outside. By the time I found out, Ellen had been dead for two hours.’
I saw a tear falling down Amy’s cheek as she reached for the wine bottle and refilled her glass.
‘Naomi has said right from the start she could see her mother, but I didn’t believe her.’ Marc’s words came slow after careful choosing. ‘Ellen’s mum wanted me to take her to a doctor but I thought it was Naomi’s way of coping and I was just glad she had found a way to do that. I mean, if anyone could see Ellen it would be me … surely.’
‘You would think.’
‘And then tonight, I heard her laugh.’ I felt Amy’s pain. Marc’s words must have felt like a knife in her back … until he added, ‘And the one person I wanted to tell was you.’
Marc smiled that smile that used to melt my heart and I sensed Amy’s relief.
It was just after that that Marc told Amy he thought he was falling in love with her. I was pleased for them. Marc didn’t go home that night.
‘You all right?’ George asked after we had seen the light go out in the bedroom.
‘Yeah.’
That night I felt truly at peace
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I knew my time in this place, wherever it was, was coming to an end. It had taken me a while but I had finally come to terms with my issues.
Naomi, my beautiful child, would know that I was always going to watch over her, no matter where I was.
My mother had realised she wasn’t to blame for my death and she was making up for what she didn’t give me as a child by doing it for my daughter. I just prayed that Naomi would be able to withstand all the attention.
And Marc, my darling Marc was moving on with his life.
Of all my issues, this was the one I found most difficult. I had to go beyond my feelings of jealousy at the thought of him with another woman in his arms, in his life. I should have been that woman. It wasn’t fair that I was dead.
I had discovered that neither life nor death was fair.
George. What can I say about George? He started out as an annoyance and turned into a companion and then a friend. In recent weeks, he had become more. I had come to need him and had been horrified at the thought of moving on without him. Who would have thought being dead could be so complicated.
‘What are you thinking about?’ George asked.
‘You,’ I answered.
He gave that familiar shrug. ‘What about me?’
I contemplated my fingernails. ‘Who are you?’ I asked. ‘Why are you here?’
He kicked an imaginary stone as he walked along. ‘You asked me those questions once.’
‘A long time ago,’ I said as I fell into step.
‘So you’ve had your answers.’
‘No.’ I pulled at his arm to stop him. ‘That’s not enough. Who are you? Why did you come to me? Why didn’t I get the other person I was supposed to get?’
‘Would you rather have had them?’
‘No.’
‘Then why question it?’
‘Because I need to know.’
‘You can’t.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you can’t.’
It sounded like a conversation I used to have with Naomi. George laughed.
‘If you ever get into the Big Bloke’s office you can ask him yourself. I don’t know why you got me, you just did.’
‘I’m glad I did.’ The words came out without any effort. ‘This Big Bloke you mentioned,’ I said, ‘do you mean God?’
‘He’s got lots of names.’
‘So he really exists?’ The disbelief in my voice surprised me.
‘Yeah.’ George had a similar amount in his voice.
‘What?’ I said. ‘There’s one person up there who decides what’s going to happen to us?’
‘You don’t think all this happens by accident, do you?’
I had to think about that one. ‘Suppose not.’
Being one of life’s eternal doubters, however, I knew I would probably have to see him before I believed it.
We had walked a while when I said. ‘It’s nearly over, isn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘When?’
‘Soon.’
‘How long?’
‘I asked them to let you have Christmas Day.’
‘Are you coming to my concert?’ Naomi asked as we sat on her bed together. George was looking out of the window.
‘Of course. When is it?’ I felt bad that I didn’t already know the answer. But why would I? I didn’t read the letters she brought home from school any more.
‘Tomorrow night.’
‘Can I come?’ George asked.
‘Yes,’ she smiled. She looked at me and her face became serious. ‘Daddy said he’s bringing a friend.’
‘Really?’ I looked at George, who had turned to look at me.
‘Yes. I think her name was Amy.’
‘Oh.’
Naomi looked at me. ‘Who is she?’
‘Daddy’s friend.’
‘Why’s she coming to my concert?’
‘For the same reason I am,’ George said. ‘Your daddy and mummy can’t go together so they’re each taking a friend. And everyone loves a Christmas concert. What are you going to be?’ he asked.
‘A snowflake.’
My parents would also be at the concert.
Marc and Naomi stood hand in hand in the corridor outside the classroom where children were getting changed. Amy was with them. Apparently they were waiting for my mother, who had been putting the final touches to Naomi’s costume. George and I stood a short distance away and watched Naomi eye Amy with suspicion. Marc had introduced the two of them and Naomi stood quietly while the adults chatted. Marc’s hand moved towards Amy’s, which didn’t go unnoticed by Naomi. Amy pulled her hand away but Marc reached further and took hold of it. He bent down to talk to Naomi but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
The doors at the end of the corridor opened and my dad appeared. He held the door open and my mother followed, carrying what I assumed was Naomi’s costume. Her eyes were on the cargo she was carrying. My dad said, ‘Sorry we’re a bit late, Marc. The traffic was terrible.’
When she looked up, Mum’s step faltered just a little as she saw Amy and Marc holding hands. I could see that Amy was trying to pull away but Marc just held on tighter. Eventually, Amy gave up trying.
‘Hello, Marc,’ Mum said before turning her attention to Naomi. ‘Hello, my darling.’
Naomi smiled. ‘Did you finish it, Gran?’ she asked.
‘Just like you wanted it,’ she said with obvious pride.
‘I need to get dressed,’ Naomi announced, ‘come and help me, Gran?’
The two of them disappeared and I pulled George’s arm to follow them. ‘How much do you want to bet, the first thing Mum asks is who’s that woman with your daddy?’
‘Nothing, because there’s never been a bigger certainty.’
We arrived just in time.
‘Who’s that lady with your daddy?’ Mum asked.
George and I laughed.
‘Amy.’ Naomi was more interested in getting her shoes off.
‘Who’s Amy?’
‘Daddy’s friend.’
To my surprise, Mum left it at that.
I realise I am biased but without a doubt Naomi was the best snowflake on the stage.
Marc and Amy stood in the corridor with my parents and waited for Naomi to change out of her outfit. There was a conversation going on but my mother wasn’t really participating. She was watching Amy.
‘I need to see Naomi,’ I said.
I held my finger to my mouth to tell Naomi that she must be quiet. It was one thing to talk to your dead mother in the privacy of your own bedroom, but a class full of six year olds was a different thing altogether. She understood and started to get dressed.
‘Naomi,’ I said. ‘First of all, you are the best snowflake I ever saw.’ She looked like she was going to speak so I quickly put my finger to my lips. ‘When you go outside, I want you to hold hands with Amy.’
She questioned me with her look and I nodded to show she had heard me right. I thought of how to best explain it.
‘Daddy likes Amy a lot,’ I said. ‘And that’s all right because I like Amy too. Amy feels a bit awkward because your gran is here and she doesn’t know how your gran will feel about her being Daddy’s friend.’
Naomi leaned down and pretended to fasten a shoe that was already fastened. ‘Is she Daddy’s girlfriend?’ she whispered out of the corner of her mouth.
I smiled. ‘Yes, I think she is.’
‘Don’t you mind?’ Her face was going red and I motioned with my hand that she should sit up.
I tried to smile. ‘No, darling,’ I said. ‘I don’t mind. Like I said, I like Amy and she makes your daddy happy and that’s the main thing.’
She nodded wisely and carried on with the business of getting dressed.
‘So,’ I continued. ‘When you go outside I want you to show that Amy is your friend too. If your gran knows you like Amy, she will like her as well.’
Naomi had finished dressing and gave me a smile before saying goodnight to her teacher and going to find her family.
‘Why’d you do that?’ George asked.
‘It’s not Amy’s fault I’m dead.’
We found them in the corridor, walking towards the exit. Marc and my father were walking ahead with the women following a few paces back. Naomi was between Amy and my mother. She was holding hands with both of them.
‘Clever girl,’ George said and I agreed with him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I still had to talk to Naomi about going away. Christmas was in only a week so it would have to be soon.
‘Don’t leave it too long.’ George advised. ‘Don’t leave it until the last minute.’
I knew he was right.
‘Naomi, darling,’ I started. ‘I have to talk to you and I need you to listen carefully.’
She looked at me with those eyes that were so precious to me and I couldn’t speak.
‘It’s time for you to go, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ was all I could say.
She reached over and plucked Jasper from where he lay on her pillow. She put him on her knee and started to stroke him. ‘When?’ she asked with a break in her voice.
‘Soon.’
‘Why?’
Naomi’s head was down and she continued to stroke Jasper in silence. I didn’t know what to say. I looked over to George for support. He nodded slowly. He reached into his pocket but came out empty handed. He looked at his hand and wiped it over his mouth.
‘OK, Naomi,’ he said. ‘I’m going to try and explain this to you because I understand it a bit better than your mummy does.’ He crouched down and looked up at Naomi. Her eyes were still settled on Jaspar but eventually George managed to secure her gaze.
‘Just tell me why,’ she murmured.
‘Because it’s time,’ George said. ‘It’s as simple as that, it’s time for your mummy to go to a different place.’
‘What place?’
‘It’s got a really long name that I can’t say but people call it the Other Side.’
‘The other side of where?’
George laughed. ‘That’s a really good question,’ he said.
‘And what’s the answer?’
‘It’s not really the other side of anywhere, it’s just a name.’
‘So Mummy’s not really going anywhere?’ Naomi looked at me for the first time since I told her I had to go away.
‘Let me put it this way. It’ll be like you’re on television.’ Naomi appeared confused. ‘Mummy will be able to see you and check on how you’re doing. She won’t leave you completely. It’s just that she won’t be able to come and visit you.’
‘Not ever?’
‘Not often,’ he said sadly.
‘But there have been times,’ I told her, finally finding my voice. ‘When I’ve been watching you and you’ve not known I was there. It’ll be just like that.’
Naomi looked at George and then me. ‘Will I ever see you again?’
I found it hard to hold her gaze. ‘I’m going to see you on Christmas Day.’ I forced myself to look at her. ‘That will be my present to you. I wish I could give you something else but I can’t. This is all I have to give you.’
There was another short period of silence before Naomi asked, ‘Is Amy going to be my new mummy?’
I thought for a moment. ‘I will always be your mummy,’ I said.
‘But what if she marries Daddy?’
‘I wouldn’t worry about that yet,’ I sai
d. ‘But if one day your daddy does get married again, his new wife will be very lucky, because she’ll get to look after you.’
‘But will she be my mummy?’
The idea of Naomi having another mummy was even worse than that of Marc having another wife. I found it a struggle to control my breathing.
‘You can only have one real mummy.’ George came to my rescue. ‘So if your daddy does get married again, his new wife would be like a mummy to you. She would look after you and help you with things.’
‘But she wouldn’t be my mummy?’ I realised how confusing this must be for her.
‘Not your real one,’ George said.
‘But you can call her Mummy if you like.’ I took a deep breath and reached out to my child. She wasn’t looking at me and I wished she would. ‘I know this is really hard for you to understand,’ I said. ‘But there are some things that happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. I would give anything, anything, for things not to be the way they are. I want nothing more than to be alive and taking care of you.’
I looked at my hands and they were trembling. I looked at Naomi and saw her also looking at my hands.
‘But it can’t be that way and no matter how much you and I both want it, it will never be that way again.’ I tried to sound upbeat. ‘But we’ve had this time together. We’ve been able to talk. You’ve been able to help Granny Peg …’ I took a deep breath. ‘But now, the time has come when that’s got to change. I have to go away, so I won’t be able to come and visit you. But I’ll still be able to see what’s happening to you.’
‘Will you watch me on the television?’ I thought for a second she was going to look at me.
‘Yes.’ I tried to sound excited. ‘I’ll tune in to Channel Naomi every day.’ She almost smiled. ‘Please look at me, Naomi.’
Eventually, she did.
‘I will always love you.’ I spoke slowly. ‘No matter where you are and where I am, I will never stop loving you.’
A tear formed in the corner of Naomi’s eye. It grew and grew until it could no longer be contained. It rolled down her cheek. She and I went to wipe it away at the same time and for a second our fingers touched.
‘I’ll always love you too, Mummy,’ she said through a sniff.
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