by Eva Luxe
I think back to all the times I tried, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant. And then, when I thought it was all for the best and I didn’t even think I wanted a baby, this miracle happens, and causes me to re-think everything.
In case it makes a difference, I add, “I had tried before, for quite a while, but they finally told me I was unable to have children.”
“You’ve never had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss?” the doctors asks.
“No. Never. Just… infertility, I guess.”
“Well, it’s good that we caught this early on then. You had good motherly instincts, coming in as soon as you experienced symptoms.”
I smile, proud of myself and feeling as if I deserve a Mother of the Year trophy already. But then I remember that I was in pain and very fearful; what else would I have done except come to the hospital?
“Often an incompetent cervix doesn’t show signs until later in the first pregnancy, and by that time it can be too late,” the doctor continues. “It can result in miscarriage or premature birth. Then we know to take preventative measures during the subsequent pregnancy. But in your case, I’m going to go ahead and recommend we get started with these measures now.”
“Okay,” I tell her, still a bit fearful because she mentioned miscarriage. “Whatever is best for the baby.”
“It’s still possible that you’ll give birth prematurely, but hopefully we can make sure it’s late enough in the pregnancy to be viable,” she says.
My heart speeds up, worried and fearful.
“We’ll put you on medication called progesterone supplementation,” she continued. “We’ll give you a cervical cerclage, which is a surgery where we’ll stitch your cervix closed with strong sutures. They’ll need to be removed during your last month of pregnancy, or during labor.”
“Okay,” I tell her.
“And you’ll have extra monitoring via ultrasounds to make sure the cervix stays closed and the baby is still doing well. Does all of that make sense?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“I’d also advise you to limit your activities. You don’t need to go on complete bed rest, but you’ll want to make sure to avoid strenuous exercise, or prolonged walking or even standing. Are you currently working?”
“No,” I tell her.
“Okay, that’s good,” she says, and I’ve never been so glad to not be active Air Force, which is ironically the one thing that used to define me.
“You should really try to avoid vigorous activity,” the doctor says. “It wouldn’t hurt to stay in bed as much as possible. Do you have a…?”
She asks, and then looks at Susan, seated quietly in the chair by the wall. I know she was going to ask if I had a partner, but thought better of it.
“I’m her sister-in-law and I live with her,” Susan volunteers, eagerly. “I have two children of my own so I’m used to pregnancy issues. I can help her, and do whatever she needs.”
“Great,” the doctor says, looking relieved. “You should really take this time to just relax. Take Susan here up on her offer to help you out. Try to focus on getting rest and staying horizontal or at least just seated as much as possible, rather than running around being up on your feet all day every day. Okay?”
“Yes,” I tell her.
It will be hard for me. I’m used to staying active. But I know I have to do what’s best for my baby, and at least I don’t have to be on strict bed rest. Perhaps some time to relax will do me good.
“Do you have any questions?” the doctor asks.
“Just… when will I get that surgery you mentioned?”
I’m anxious to get my cervix stitched up, so that the baby will sit tight.
“We can do it right now, or as soon as they’re ready to wheel you up to surgery,” the doctor says, making a note in my chart. “I’ll go check on the status, but it shouldn’t be too long. It will be a short surgery, so if Susan lives close by she can come pick you up afterwards, maybe?”
“Sure,” Susan says, getting up and walking over to the bed.
“Okay, well it was nice meeting you and I wish you all the best with this pregnancy,” the doctor says.
I smile at her as she leaves the room, then I tell Susan, “You can go ahead and go. I know you have to pick up Mason and Becky soon, and it doesn’t sound like you’re needed or even allowed in the surgical area.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, holding my hand in hers. “I’m so glad to hear that everything should be okay. I told you…”
“Yes, you did,” I say, grinning. “I’m glad they can do this surgery right away. I’ll call you when I’m done so you can just swing by with the kids and hopefully they can wheel me outside to meet you or something.”
Susan uses a 24-hour drop-off daycare when she needs it, because I’m her only relative that lives here, and until recently I worked a lot. It’s not exactly cheap, and I’m grateful she could bring me to the hospital and be here with me, but I also don’t want to hold her up any more than I have to.
“Okay, love you,” she says, bending down to give me a kiss on the forehead.
“Love you too. Thanks for everything!”
I put on my headphones and start playing the Just For One Weekend soundtrack I’d made for Ramsey. “Motorcycle Drive-By” is on, which is fitting but doesn’t bode well for the future.
As I reflect on the lyrics, I know I’ve almost never felt so alone, but I do have my baby boy to keep me company. As for never feeling so in love… well, I’m definitely in love with the baby. I’ll just keep it at that.
I’m still a bit afraid for the baby, but I’m glad to have answers and hopefully a solution. Everything is falling into place, and I’m excited for the future. I wish that Ramsey could be here with me and be a part of this but I know that’s not how life works. No one can get everything they want.
Chapter 29 – Ramsey
One Week Later
My unit finally moves to a more stable base camp, and Harlow and I mention calling home to let the family know we’re okay and where they can reach us via mail, at least.
As we set up our tents, one of the guys— Chad— says, “Is it alright with you guys if I use the phone room first, privately? My sister is undergoing cancer treatment, and I might just get a little…”
Emotional.
“Of course,” we say. “Go ahead and call her now. The rest of us can wait.”
“It’s so weird to think of everything going on back at home, while we’re out here,” says another of my buddies. “I know it’s only been about four months, but it feels like forever, since we were all back at Kirtland, doing our final training, and then pissing around during R&R.”
I try not to think about Monica, during the last visit I spent with her, when we walked on the beach and made fantastic love. I think I kind of screwed it up at the end, by laughing when she suggested Skyping with my family.
In my defense, I’d honestly thought it was a joke. But she’s been distant since then, more reserved. I plan to call her soon, but I don’t have high hopes for her reception of such a phone call.
Most of the time I’ve been here, I’ve felt okay, although we’ve been doing some risky operations. I listen to Monica’s soundtrack and keep plenty busy, just with work. I think of her often, but I feel it’s something in the past; just as she wanted and we both promised from the beginning. It must help me, though, because I haven’t had too many night terrors. When I do, I listen to the songs to help calm me down, and remember how Monica used to rub my back.
It usually works. The most dangerous part of our trip is over, and miraculously no one was injured. Now we’re training some Afghans with the rest of our time left here.
“Speaking of training at Kirtland,” another guy says. “You remember that chick fighter pilot with the F-35? Who did the close combat support training?”
Most of the other guys nod or mumble— a few aren’t even paying attention and others make jokes alluding to the tampons in the pink plane— but I try not to look like I�
�m paying too much attention, although of course I’m all ears. Why’s he talking about Monica?
“I heard she’s out on disability, or retiring or something,” he continues.
What? I think. Disability? Is she okay?
“Whoa,” says another guy. “That’s kind of weird. She seemed super into her job. She liked to act tough and brag about being a chick in a guy’s world, that kind of thing.”
“I know, right?” the first guy says. “That’s why I found it so surprising. I guess it must be a health issue, or I can’t imagine why else she would suddenly want to be done.”
“Maybe a mental health issue,” someone else jokes. “I bet she’s a real basket case.”
Harlow glances at me, and I shoot him a defensive glare in return. He’s been worried about my night terrors and what he calls my “depression” lately, but I keep reassuring him that I’m just fine.
“You talking about Carrington?” asks Tim, another guy in our unit, as he walks over from the supply truck with some rope and tarps.
“Yeah, just speculating on why she’s out on leave,” someone says.
Tim wipes sand out of his eyes and says, “I heard she got knocked up.”
“Whoa,” says a chorus of guys, in unison, and one says, “I didn’t even know she was married or anything. Who knocked her up?”
Yeah, I want to ask. Who knocked her up?
I suddenly feel dizzy, and I take a drink of water from my canteen. Harlow’s still looking at me kind of funny, so I try to act as normal as I possibly can. But I have to admit this news has thrown me for a loop.
“No idea,” says Tim, with a shrug. “And it’s all just speculation I heard through the grapevine. Apparently some commanders were talking shit when they got drunk while planning joint mission training. The funniest part was that some of them supposedly said they’re sad to lose her and how she’s a great pilot who was very helpful during trainings, blah blah blah.”
There are jokes about how a guy in a skirt could do a better job, and how maybe she could bring her baby on the airplane and breastfeed it while she flies. Womens’ lib, and all of that.
Some guys even said that this is why women shouldn’t be allowed into the military; they just leave as soon as they get knocked up. I’m feeling a little less wobbly, so I bend down to pound a stake into the ground, hoping I look inconspicuous, even to Harlow.
“I don’t know that she’s announced a pregnancy or retirement or anything like that,” Tim continues, “But I think the speculation was started because the timing of it is fishy. She’s using her sick leave, and someone said something about maternity leave, and someone else said word on the street is that she’s putting in her resignation papers. All signs point to pregnancy, but who knows. There’s no official word yet.”
He shrugs as if to say, “Oh well,” but I’m still rather incredulous.
Monica can’t really be pregnant, can she? I think. I’m sure she would tell me. But what if it isn’t mine? Or what if it is mine, but it was all part of some ploy that Monica had, as a way to have a baby and leave the Air Force?
That doesn’t really make sense, and I wouldn’t suspect it of Monica, but I feel foolish and confused. I suppose I don’t really know her that well, even though I thought I did.
I’m determined to sneak off to the phone room as soon as Chad is back, before Harlow or any of the other guys take their turns. I’m not sure how I should go about it, but I know I need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.
Chapter 30 – Monica
I’m setting up the nursery when my cell phone rings and an unknown number— just a string of a bunch of random numbers, really— appears across the screen. My heart skips a beat. This is the same way it looked the other couple of times that Ramsey called me.
I had just framed the one picture I have of Ramsey and me— a selfie on the beach, which we took with my cell phone— and had decided where to hang it. I imagined myself telling the baby about his dad one day. Except that I haven’t exactly thought that far ahead yet, to figure out what I should say, or when, or how the baby-turned-child might react.
“Hello?” I say, my palm feeling sweaty on the phone.
“Monica,” Ramsey says. “It’s Ramsey.”
“Hi!”
“Hello.”
It feels so nice to hear from him, but he sounds distant. Not just physically—geographically, which of course he is— but also emotionally. Maybe he’s just bummed. Or maybe he’s not as happy to be talking with me as I am to be talking with him.
“Are you okay?” I ask him.
“Yes,” he snaps. “Of course I’m okay.”
His tone suggests that he wants to add, “I’m calling you, aren’t I?,” but he doesn’t. And I want to say, “You are at war, you know?,” but I don’t.
It’s strange that so many things remain unsaid between us, after those times we spent talking so late into the night, or over dinner, or while walking on the beach. I’m beginning to wonder if any of it was even real, and if it even meant anything… other than the creation of the baby, of course, which certainly wasn’t planned, and which Ramsey doesn’t even know about.
I think about telling him right now, but it sure sounds as if he’s depressed or something. I don’t want to burden him if it would make things worse instead of better.
“I’m glad to hear from you,” I tell him. “How are things?”
“They’re fine. We just arrived at a stable base where we will probably stay throughout the end of our deployment. Just doing local training, at this point.”
“Oh good.”
I feel relieved, knowing that it means the dangerous part of their mission is over.
“Of course there’s no phone number that rings through here, but I have an address for you, if you want it.”
“Sure,” I say, taking out the first writing utensil I can find— a marker that’s part of a kids’ toy that Becky wanted to share with the baby. I also pull out some labels I’ve been using to organize the bins of clothes by month.
He tells me the address, and I write it down, excited that he’s giving it to me. I figure that has to mean something. Maybe he’s in a better mood than I thought he was. Maybe he is calling because he misses me. Maybe I should tell him about the baby.
“I’m sure that being over there is kind of hard sometimes,” I say, trying to test the waters. “But I just worry that your…”
I hesitate, knowing I shouldn’t say “PTSD” on the phone.
“…that you might be depressed,” I finished.
“I’m not depressed,” he snaps.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean depressed. More like, stressed, or anxious…”
“Of course I’m stressed,” he says. “I worry about my mom. I worry about the safety of my unit, including Harlow. But you tell me not to worry about other people, and only worry about myself. So I’m sure you don’t want to hear about why I might be stressed.”
“Yes I do,” I tell him. “I didn’t mean…”
I trail off. There’s no use. I should not have started down this trail.
“Well, how are you?” He asks. “What have you been up to?”
“Uhhhh. Nothing.”
I squirm in the rocking chair, looking at the framed picture of us that I had just hung in our baby’s room. The baby he doesn’t know about. He doesn’t know about anything that’s going on with me, and I’m not sure if I should tell him, or how. It doesn’t leave me much to talk about.
“Are you seeing someone?” he asks suddenly, his tone sounding angry, or annoyed.
“What?”
“I’m just wondering. If you’ve been seeing someone else.”
“No,” I tell him, even though now I’m annoyed.
“I know it’s none of my business,” he says.
“You’re right.”
How dare he want to know if I’m seeing someone, after he told me he didn’t want a relationship? After he laughed at the thought of letting hi
s family know we had anything to do with each other? The nerve!
“Why are you being so weird?” I ask him. Realizing that could sound really bad, I clarify. “So… cranky?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” he says, as if I should know. “No reason, I guess.”
“Okay.”
There’s an awkward silence and then he says, “Well, others are waiting to use the phone…”
“Of course,” I say. “Thank you for calling.”
I want to ask when he can call again, but I don’t think the question will make him too happy. And if the next call is like this one, I’m not sure there’s any point.
“You’re welcome. Goodbye.”
“Stay safe. Goodbye.”
After I hang up, I think of all the things I wish I could have said.
I miss you.
I’m thinking about you.
I’m having your baby.
I love you.
But that call didn’t go the way I thought it would. Nothing between Ramsey and me has gone well since that last day at my house, right before he left.
I look down at my stomach, which is finally starting to protrude a little bit. I rub my just appearing baby bump and say, “I love you, baby boy.”
Perhaps it’s time to give up on the fantasy, and concentrate on the reality.
Chapter 31 – Ramsey
I hang up the phone, angry at myself for how the call went, or maybe angry at myself for calling Monica at all. That was not at all how I wanted the phone call to go, but then again, what had I expected? That she would tell me I was going to be a father?
Before the guys started talking about possible pregnancy rumors, I had been excited to call her. I had wanted to tell her that I missed her, or at least that I often listened to the soundtrack of our visits together.
But then everything about the pregnancy gossip threw me off. Of course she isn’t pregnant, I think. Or if she is, it certainly isn’t my baby. I’m sure she would tell me. Right?
My head's a mess, but as I start to walk out of the phone room, I see Harlow walking in.
