“Hah,” he said, unconvinced. “Well, you’re young, you’ll manage.” He gave me a little push toward the stairs and let me go. “Food,” he said firmly. “Don’t argue. Boy like you can’t live on air, no matter how upset you’ve been.”
I did not argue. For the first time since I had decided I must come back, I felt that I could eat and not get sick.
-12-
We rode north and east all that day. Our company was smaller now. The inKera were gone, and Geras told me they had been sent north on the previous day, with three talons to escort them. We stayed to the road as we passed farms and villages, but Lord Aras rode into each village and spoke to people there. I wondered if he was looking for signs that might tell him the other sorcerer had enslaved the people there, made them his dogs by setting his leash on them, or his fools by putting falsehoods into their minds and making them believe lies. I wondered whether Lord Aras found signs of that. I also wondered whether he might be putting his own will on the villagers, his own leash. I tried not to wonder that, but I could not help it. I knew he would see those questions in my mind, and flinched from that, but whether because I feared his anger or feared to hurt him, I could not tell.
I rode lost in my own thoughts most of that day, ignoring the casual talk that went on around me, only answering now and then when Geras, or more often Suyet, spoke to me. Esau was more restful. He did not speak to me at all, and hardly to anyone else.
At last, as the dusk melted into an indigo twilight, we halted. It seemed a place like any other to me. We had not come to a village. Farms lay before us and behind us, pastures to the south, and to the north a rockier, sharper slope than we had mostly seen in this gentle country.
Smooth lines of tents went up in fields empty of everything but harvest stubble. I had nothing to do and stood to one side as Esau and his file put up their tent. Geras went off to see to other duties. Suyet stayed with me, but I had no heart to speak to him.
“It’ll be all right,” Suyet said to me, troubled. “Lord Gaur can’t be that angry. You did come back.” I nodded, but I made no answer.
I ate the evening meal in company with Esau and Suyet and some of the men of Esau’s file and some younger soldiers who were friends of Suyet’s. Lalani and two other young women brought the food. Lalani asked me, “Are you all right, Ryo?” as though she were a sister or cousin, someone who had a right to ask me that question. I could hardly be offended, but I could not answer her either. I smiled and thanked her for the food she gave me, and she touched my arm in sympathy before she moved away to serve the other men.
As the evening deepened into night, all the Lau faces blended into the darkness, except their eyes, and their teeth when they smiled. Suyet stood up and lit lanterns at the opening of the tent. Esau and another man began a game of sestaket. I knew soon Lord Aras must send for me. I was afraid again. I did not think he would have changed his mind about putting me to death, but I was not certain. No matter what he decided, I was still afraid of him.
One of the young men who ran errands for Lord Aras came almost as I thought this, nodding to me. Suyet jumped to his feet, and Esau tossed his remaining pegs to another man and stood up, dusting off his hands. I followed the young man without waiting for them.
Lord Aras was standing in his tent, talking to Harana and Ianan while soldiers took away the supper table and the empty dishes. Harana gave me a long look that I could not interpret, but he did not seem as angry now. He did not glance at Esau, and Esau did not look at him.
Without breaking off his conversation with his own people, Lord Aras nodded to me and gestured dismissal to my guards. Very soon after that, everyone had gone and we were alone. This time I stayed on my feet, keeping to Lau manners, though I could not bring myself to look him in the face. In so many ways, Ugaro manners are easier. Especially for a man who is afraid.
I thought then of all the times I had thought the Lau cowardly, and felt the heat rise up my face. Every time I had thought such things, he had known it.
Everything I did not want to think came into my mind; all my doubts of him and of myself. He must have seen all these things, but he said merely, “I’m not going to put you to death. Can you believe that yet?”
I had not realized how much I had feared he would change his mind until that moment. I did believe him. Nevertheless, I demanded, “How can you trust me? Do not say you know whom to trust!” My tone held far more anger than I had realized I felt. I looked away, striving for the self-control fitting to a warrior.
He said, “I don’t blame you for feeling angry or afraid. Anyone would.” He studied me for a time. Then he said, “I haven’t been doing anything to the villagers; as I said, I swore an oath not to do such things. I don’t blame you for suspecting that either. I’ve been looking for the sorts of traces that will let me make a more precise guess about what my enemy has been doing here and what he might intend. There are plenty of traces, unsurprisingly, but so far only what I already knew I’d find. I have some hope I might discover something more helpful from the people of Erem Sen, but only a few of the survivors took refuge here and none of them know the kinds of things I’d hoped to learn.” He sighed. “A clear treatise about the use of sorcery in seizing power would be helpful. Perhaps something along the lines of provoking Ugaro savagery in order to prompt a general uprising among the terrified people of the borderlands ... well. That isn’t my immediate concern. Tell me, Ryo, what is it you most fear I’ll do to you?”
Of course I had not expected him to ask such a thing. I stared at him, feeling naked and helpless.
“The only way to address fear is to address it. Tell me aloud. Take your time.”
I did not need time. I needed courage. I said stiffly, “I fear you will make me believe something that is not true. I am afraid you already have. You swore to me you will not. I should not fear it. Except—” I stopped. There was no way to say it that was not a deadly affront.
“Except if I’m the sort of man who would do such things, how could you trust my oath? Or what if I made you think I had sworn such an oath when I never had? How could you tell? It’s a reasonable fear. I don’t blame you for it. There are, in fact, ways to tell truth from falsehood. I’d like to teach you those ways, but it would require me to put a false memory into your mind. Will you permit me to do that?” He added at once, “I won’t do it without your permission, Ryo. I can’t, since I did swear that oath. Try not to be afraid. Think about whether you might be able to permit it, but if you’re not ready for that, how about this—I’d like to teach you how to prevent me from seeing your thoughts.” He smiled wryly, probably at my surprise. “When people near me know what I am, yet can’t guard their thoughts from me, it’s very upsetting for them. It’s not very pleasant for me either.”
I could see how this must be so. Nearly from the first, I had seen he did not like people to be afraid of him. How much worse if a man was horrified or filled with hatred every time he had to come near him?
“Exactly,” he said. “I understand very well why people fear and hate sorcerers. I can’t choose not to see into your mind, Ryo, but I can teach you to guard your thoughts. Unfortunately, there’s no painless way to do it.”
Whatever the pain, I wanted to learn this.
“It’s not that kind of pain. I would ask you questions you don’t want to answer, and you would try to stop me from seeing the answers in your mind. At the same time, you would try to tell me believable, coherent lies instead of the truth. I know that’s likely to be difficult for you, as your people are extraordinarily honest.”
I was struggling with this entire idea. “You want me to tell you lies?”
“Exactly so. If you tell me something plausible, I’ll stop looking for the truth because I’ll think I have it. Try to think of a lie I would want to believe. Every man is glad to stop looking for the truth when he’s handed a lie he likes better. Sorcerers are no different in that.”
He paused, looking at me closely. “I must warn yo
u, Ryo, if you try this, you’ll fail. I’ll see the truth in your mind, however you try to stop me. Tomorrow, you’ll fail again. The day after that, you’ll fail once more. All the methods I described this morning take practice. But eventually you will learn this. Unless you don’t want to try.”
I wanted to learn this skill. I wanted it as I had yearned to learn to fight when I was a tiny child and my father had put my first wooden sword into my hands. I wanted it more than that. I wanted it as I had longed for my brother’s good opinion and his invitation to join his warriors in raiding.
I wanted this even more than that.
“Good,” he said. “Think of it exactly like that: as a weapon and a shield. Now. I described several methods to you earlier. Does one or another method appeal to you? I will say, I don’t suggest anger or fear. I don’t believe you are naturally an angry or fearful young man, so that method is not well suited to you—”
I laughed. I had not meant to, and choked it off at once.
He smiled at me. “Yes, I know. Nevertheless, I stand by my judgment on this matter, Ryo.”
“I will think of songs, my lord,” I said. It seemed a safer choice. If his little daughters could do it, surely I could learn to.
“Good. Sit down. Tell me when you’re ready.”
I sat down cross-legged on the floor. Resting my hands on my knees, I thought of one of the songs I knew best, the song we sing to the Dawn Sisters. These stars are large and very bright, and they rise only a hand’s-breadth above the high mountains of the north before they sink back down, and only during the long cold. They could not be seen in the summer lands and I missed them sorely.
Girl babies born while the Dawn Sisters are in the sky will be lucky all their lives. My youngest sister carried that luck, so I have always admired the Dawn Sisters for her sake. I hoped the song might bring me luck now. Also, it is a beautiful song.
“Yes, that’s a good, strong melody,” Lord Aras said. “My wife would like it. Hold that in the front of your mind. Keep your other thoughts underneath. When I ask you a question, you’ll think first about the question, not about the answer. That gives you a little time. You’ll be angry at me for asking it; that will help too. Try to think mostly of the song. Sing it to yourself. Underneath that, think of an answer I might believe, that is not the truth. Try to hold that lie in your thoughts and forget the truth. Do you understand?”
This sounded complicated and difficult. But I nodded. “Very well,” I said. “I am ready.”
I was not ready. I discovered this at once. He asked me, “What is the one thing your little sister has done that made you the most ashamed of her?”
I had not guessed he might ask such a question. My mind went at once to the time when my sister had told our mother—I realized I was thinking about exactly what I wished to hold back, and began to speak the words of the song to the Dawn Sisters aloud.
“Better,” he said. His tone was utterly neutral. He was watching me closely, his expression intent. “This is something you’re ashamed of as well? What could it be? Think of a lie, Ryo. Tell me something harmless.”
I opened my mouth, but no words came. I could not think of a lie. All I could think of was the time when my sister—flinching from that, I thought hard of my eldest brother, of the time he had beaten me for lying to him. This was not a memory I wished anyone to see, but it was better than thinking of my sister—
“She lied to your mother?” Lord Aras asked me. He blinked. “You beat her for it?”
I could not let Etta learn to tell lies. She had been seven, more than old enough to know it was wrong. I could not tell our mother, far less our father, so I took Etta away from the camp and beat her myself, with a knotted cord because one cannot punish a girl-child with the kind of whip with which one corrects a young man. I had been deeply ashamed of us both, though even now I could not think of any better choice.
I could not believe I had shown all this to Lord Aras. I could not believe he had asked me such a question. I stared at the tent floor, angry and embarrassed and ashamed. At least he should find it hard to see through that rush of emotion.
“I’m sorry, Ryo,” he said gently. “You failed because the memory was important to you, and because you wanted so much not to show it to me. Your fear that I would see that memory led you back to it. But you did well, for a first attempt.”
I had failed completely.
“I did tell you that you would. You couldn’t think of a lie, but that may not be possible for you. You deflected me with that memory of your brother, but then you let the one memory lead back to the other. Next time, try to chain one memory to another in a way that leads away from what you wish to conceal. If you had continued to think of your brother, but in memories further removed in context, that might have worked better.”
This was obvious now that he had explained it. I nodded, not looking up.
“You would have failed anyway. I would have asked the same question again and again, until you were too tired and confused to stop yourself from thinking of that incident. You’re angry. That will help, but not enough. In a moment, I’ll ask you another question. Are you ready?”
It was an unpleasant evening, worse because I knew, or at least I believed, that he was not doing it to hurt me. I could not stop him from seeing anything he wished. Thinking of a song did not help me at all. Chaining one memory to another was better, but it was as he had warned me: he would only ask again, shaking me from whatever other thing I thought of, forcing me back to what I wished to conceal. I was trembling with weariness and misery by the time he stopped.
He asked me, his tone gentle, “What one thing has your little sister done that made you most proud of her?”
I had pressed my hands over my eyes, though that did not help. But I looked up at this.
He gave me a small nod. “Think of a good thing, Ryo. Keep it in your mind tonight. It will help with the nightmares.”
“Everyone has nightmares?” This made me feel a little better about my own distress.
“Everyone.” The set of his mouth told me how much he hated what he had done to me, even after I had told him to do it. That made me feel better too.
I began, “How many—” But then I was not certain I should ask.
“I’ve taught this to twenty people. Twenty-three, in fact. The easiest was my daughter Selili.”
“Because she taught herself not to do anything she would wish to conceal from you.”
He did smile at that. “She finds that simpler, but if you could deflect me as well as she does, you would feel much more secure. In fact, Talon Commander Ianan is the only person who declined to make any effort to learn what I’m teaching you. He simply never makes any attempt to conceal anything from me.”
That seemed unbelievably brave to me. I was immediately curious. “Why is Ianan different?”
He shrugged. “Oh, various reasons.”
As he would not answer that, I asked instead, “Who was the hardest?”
That took the smile from his face. “My king. For a long time, I thought he would decide to kill me instead of learning to guard himself against me. That would have been safer for him, and much, much easier.”
I had already realized how extraordinary it was that a king would tolerate a sorcerer anywhere near him. Even his own nephew. No matter how well he could conceal his thoughts, this king must trust Lord Aras completely.
“Well, yes,” Lord Aras agreed. “I suppose that by the time we all realized I was cursed with sorcery, he had grown fond of me. I was eleven—you would be forgiven for wondering how we could all have been so slow. I was almost relieved to understand myself at last.”
Almost relieved was nearly the same as absolutely horrified, I could well guess. But certainly a boy’s nature is clear by that age. No doubt the king had already seen in that boy the promise of the man he would become.
“That too, possibly,” he said. “But Soretes also had practical considerations in mind. As you know, sorcerer
s are not so very rare among us Lau. And then there are the Lakasha-erra. He thought it wise to train himself against me, as a precaution. But he still suffered from nightmares. Of course, a king may have more important secrets than most men. You, I hope, will have an easier time.”
I could not pretend I was anything but unhappy, but I nodded.
“Good. Ryo, you will learn this, more quickly than you now fear.” He hesitated. Then he added, “Before I let you go for the night . . .” He picked up the sheathed knife that rested on the table. “You left this behind.”
I had. I had meant that gesture as a deliberate repudiation of everything he had given me. I had wanted to hurt him. Now, unhappy as I was, I was ashamed of that.
“I don’t blame you,” he said gently. “You felt I had betrayed your trust. You were not wrong. But it’s important for certain people to see that I don’t feel you’ve betrayed mine. Will you take this knife again, even though I’m the one who gives it to you? Or would it be better if I ask Geras to find you a different knife?”
I had not expected that. I did not answer at once. He met my eyes steadily, waiting for my decision. After a moment, he said, “It’s not your responsibility to make me feel more comfortable about what I’m doing to you, Ryo.”
I realized he expected me to refuse. He was ready to forgive faults in everyone but himself. I held out my hand for the knife.
He looked at me. Then he said quietly, “Thank you, Ryo.” He handed me the knife, and I took it. Then he let me go.
-13-
We rode east again, and a little north, the next day and for six days after that. Lord Aras spoke to farmers and villagers, seeking refugees from destroyed Erem Sen or perhaps seeking to learn other things from other people. I did not know what he found out from them, if anything. I was too lost in my own misery to care.
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