“Why are you still up?” I asked. It was the first thing I could think of to ask to break the uncomfortable silence crashing around us.
“I was restless,” – she looked down, and folded her arms around herself – “I was just reading.”
Her teeth started to chatter, and I stepped forward with every intention of rubbing her arms to stave off the cold, but stopped myself when her head shot up.
“You’re not dressed warm enough,” I chided, taking notice of the bags under her brown eyes. Wasn’t she sleeping? Was she troubled?
“I’m fine, Reid,” she sighed. “You said you wanted to talk?”
Her impatience snapped me out of my inner monologue about her wellbeing, and I stood taller. I couldn’t afford to allow that part of me to override what I’d come here to do, and that was to talk, to clear the air, and figure out where we went from here.
“Yeah, I uh....” I scraped my hands though my hair, once against struggling to separate what I had to do with how I felt about the woman standing in front of me. “I need to know what happened with you and Stella.”
Jade’s eyes pierced mine, and the urge to pull away was strong. I didn’t want her to see the choices I’d made, or the regret colliding with indecision. She could read me like an open book, when the rest of the world didn’t even fucking bother looking past the surface. It was one of many reasons she’d been my best friend since, well, forever.
She walked past me, into the living room, and I followed, slipping my jacket off and placing it on the arm of the sofa. She took a seat, and looked up at me as if waiting for me, like she had an idea of what was going to be said.
“Might as well say it,” I twisted to face her, “You think whatever happened to Stella’s face is my doing.”
I frowned. “You know what happened, then?”
“Kennedy and Grady filled me in, yes, and I’m struggling to understand why you believe I did it.”
“I’m not sure what to believe,” I replied honestly. “But it was hard not to take her side when I saw her face, Jade.”
Jade looked away, hurt, and fiddled with her fingers. We’d never been so fidgety around each other, and it was a sad testament to how far apart we’d grown. She’d never been uncomfortable around me, and now it looked like she was ready to bolt.
“You know,” she swallowed, lifting her head to look at me, “I was hoping that knowing me all our lives would have entitled me to getting the benefit of the doubt, at least, but obviously I was expecting too much.”
“I saw her face Jade, what was I supposed to do? You’d already left by the time I wanted to talk to you.”
“You’d already made up your mind,” she snapped.
“Jesus,” I groaned. “I’m not accusing you of anything.”
“Then what are you doing here, if not to accuse me?”
“To talk, dammit, and to figure out what the problem is.”
Jade huffed. “Stella is the problem, but I guess you just don’t see it. Everyone else can see her for what she is, why can’t you?”
“She’s only a problem because you don’t like her, and she knows it!”
Jade reared back as if I’d physically slapped her. “I’m not the one who told you we can’t be friends, Reid.”
A bitter laugh stumbled from my mouth, and the words followed before I could stop them. “I can see why blaming it all on Stella for that would be convenient for you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you are somewhat responsible for what happened between us. You decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, way before I started seeing Stella.”
Nothing was going as planned, but the only way we were going to work it out was to verbalize everything we kept to ourselves. She had to know, once and for all, that she’d done some irreparable damage to me too. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. It was starting to gnaw away at me.
“We made a mistake,” she said angrily. “But if I recall correctly you were there too, and now there’s no going back.”
“This is where I disagree,” I replied, fighting the natural inclination to shout. Jade got me riled up in every way, and fighting with her, however wrong, was always my first reaction. Knowing that she regretted us stung. “You decided for both of us we couldn’t be more. You ran scared, and now you want to blame my girlfriend because you’re jealous.”
Jade’s face remained hard, but her eyes had glazed over at some point, and the guilt pulled at me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but once I opened the door to our now screwed up friendship I couldn’t close it. It was too late, and I was afraid we were really and truly done for.
“I think you should leave now,” she said, standing quickly. I jumped up and took hold of her arm. She spun to face me, hitting me with the force of those boundless brown eyes that I’d spent all my life drowning in.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, pulling her closer. “Not until you’ve heard everything I have to say.”
“What more is there, Reid? You’ve moved on, and I’m trying my best to stay away because it’s what Stella wants - ”
“Moved on?” I asked incredulously. “You think I’ve moved on? I’m trying to fill the fucking hole you left with someone who will never compare. Don’t you get it?”
Jade bit her lip but I still saw the slight quiver. She was emotional, more so than usual, and I wondered if the end of our friendship had taken a bigger toll on her than I’d initially assumed. Maybe she was just as bruised on the inside as I was, trying to figure how to continue living even though we had to do it without each other.
“Then why are you with her?” Her voice was husky, and thick and unlike I’d ever heard it before. Jade had always been so strong, so willful, and she never showed weakness. But she was showing it all now, allowing me to see that she’d been suffering.
“You did this,” I whispered harshly, ignoring her question. “You made me move forward without you, and God I’m fucking trying but you’re making it impossible!” My voice had risen, and Jade whimpered when I lowered my face to hers.
“Being with Stella is better than being alone and pining for the woman who fucking destroyed me two months ago. She’s not perfect, and I don’t think I love her, but if it means I won’t hurt anymore, I’ll fucking try.”
Jade’s hot breath fanned my face as she squeezed her eyes closed. Her mouth was so close, and I was so tempted to kiss her, crush her body up against mine and never let her go - but I had to. She didn’t want me, and there was only so much a man could take.
“I miss you,” I murmured, pressing my forehead against hers and holding her forearms. “But I can’t do this, Jade. You’ve broken me baby,” I swallowed, struggling to speak calmly without cracking in front of her, “and I have to put myself back together the best way I know how. You walked away first, and I’m just doing what you want.”
Her eyes opened, and I thought I saw her pleading with me not to give up. I wanted to keep fighting, but how could I when she’d given up on us first? I couldn’t do it alone. I needed her at my side.
She delivered her final blow with “I’m sorry,” and I delivered mine with “Te quiero.” I love you.
I let go of her arms, and she cupped her mouth to silence her cries. As much as I wanted to blame her for all of this, I couldn’t. I never planned any of this, but if I’d known this would be the outcome I might have found the strength to stop it before we lost everything.
I stepped away, and grabbed my jacket from the sofa to leave. Jade leaned against the wall, and slid down until she was crouching on the floor. I wanted to comfort her, tell her it would all be okay, but I wasn’t going to lie just to appease her. She made a choice, and without thinking about what would happen afterwards, she made us both pay the ultimate price.
Losing each other.
Chapter 8
Reid
Catch My Breath
I shut the door to my truck, and punched the steering wheel with my fist until I thought my han
d was bruised. Walking away from Jade had been the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I needed a minute to catch my breath. The cold air jolted my lungs into working again, but the dull agony in my chest still burned through my body.
It would have been so easy to walk back into her house, and tell her I’d been lying when I said I could try to love Stella, and tell her the truth, that I would never love another woman the way I loved her, but that would only leave me back at square one. Either way I was without Jade and I had to accept that, no matter how difficult.
I started my car, and turned onto the dimly lit road, not quite ready to head back to the apartment I shared with Dane. He was probably next-door with Kennedy, and going to an empty home wasn’t at all appealing. So I drove around, taking a slightly longer detour back to the University campus. ‘Breath’ by Breaking Benjamin started playing through the stereo, so I reached over and turned the volume up until the windows rattled with the heavy beat of the drum. I thrummed my fingers in time with every pounding of the drumstick, and stared out at the dark road ahead.
Memories of Jade and me flicked through my mind, and one in particular had me tightening my grip on the steering wheel until it twisted, and creaked in protest.
We were ten years old, and I was spending the night at Jade’s house while my parents were away. It was way past our bedtime, but I’d snuck into Jade’s room after I’d heard her soft cries coming from next door. Her room was dark, bathed in soft moonlight that was coming through her bedroom window, and I could barely make out her silhouette on the gigantic bed. She was curled into herself, sniffling, and hugging her pillow tightly to her chest. I climbed up, and slid under the covers until I felt the warmth of her body against mine.
Her eyes opened, and when she peered up at me, her brown eyes glistening, I knew I wanted to make her feel better. Even at that tender age, I knew she meant more to me than anyone else.
“Why are you crying?” I asked. I pried her hand from her pillow and took it mine, pressing it tightly to my chest.
“I had a nightmare,” she replied. “I got scared.”
I rolled onto my side, bringing us face-to-face, and wiped her tear-stained cheeks with my free hand. I didn’t know what her nightmare was about, but I couldn’t ask. I just wanted whatever had upset her to disappear from her mind. “You don’t have to be scared. I would never let anything happen to you.”
Jade stayed quiet, and after a while I started humming. It was no song in particular, but it seemed to have calmed her down so I didn’t stop. I didn’t care if I sounded off-key, or like a total dipshit. If it helped her, I would do it.
“Reid?”
I stopped humming. “Yeah?”
“You’ll never leave me will you?”
I frowned at her question. Was that what her nightmare had been about? Me leaving her?
“No, I won’t. You’re my best friend.”
Her mouth lifted up at the side, and something strange happened inside my chest. I felt hot, and my body tingled.
“Promise?”
I replied without hesitation. “I promise.”
I was too young, and naïve to realize how hard it was to keep such a promise, and I didn’t understand that breaking it would have devastating consequences our friendship wouldn’t survive.
I watched Jade sleep until the early hours of the morning, and snuck back into the guest bedroom before Jade woke up.
That was the first time I realized my feelings for Jade were changing. I might not have understood it then, but looking back on it now I see it for what it was – the defining moment, the moment my young heart fell in love with the girl next door before knowing what it meant.
THE LIGHTS were off in our apartment when I walked in, and Dane’s bedroom door was open, but he wasn’t there. I expelled a heavy breath, and trudged into my own room feeling exhausted and strung out. I switched on the bedroom light, and stopped in my tracks when I saw Stella sitting on my bed wearing one of my shirts and nothing else.
“Stella,” I greeted. “What are you doing here?”
Her eyes were red, and I could see she’d been crying. It was time for me to end things with her, but I was hoping I’d at least have until morning before I got into it. I didn’t have the energy to fight, especially not with her.
“What,” she sniffled, “Am I not allowed to come see my boyfriend?”
I removed my jacket, chucked it over my desk chair, and started taking off my shoes. “I thought we agreed we were going to stay apart tonight?”
“I thought so too,” she replied, “until I realized that the only reason you wanted to do that was so you could go see Jade.”
Feeling suspicion unfurling in my stomach, I tilted my head to the side, and pursed my lips. “How do you know that’s where I went?”
I wouldn’t have put it past her to have someone follow me. She was possessive by nature, and her dislike of Jade seemed to exacerbate her jealous streak.
“You’ve been gone for almost three hours,” replied Stella. “And I can smell her perfume on you. It’s not hard to connect the dots.”
I sighed, and pinched my eyes closed, before turning to face her. Her blonde hair was a little untidy, and unkempt, and that in itself should have been a warning. Stella never went anywhere without having her hair done, not even to bed.
“I needed to talk to her,” I said, agitated that I felt the need to explain my whereabouts. “I still care about her.”
That was obviously the wrong thing to say because in a flash Stella flew off my bed, and came to stand in front of me. She glared up at me with hateful, narrowed eyes.
“It’s more than that,” she snapped. “I had a feeling something was wrong with you after she left Cabo early and then it clicked. You’re in love with her.”
“How I feel about her has nothing to with us,” I said, brushing past her to walk into the bathroom. I had to get away from her before she saw the truth written across my face. I wouldn’t be able to hide it, in spite of my desperation to do just that.
“So she isn’t the reason you’re going to break up with me?”
With a frown, I replied, “No she isn’t, but how’d you -”
“Please,” she interrupted, her voice sharp and venomous. “I knew the moment we landed you were going to end things, and I knew it was because of her. I’m not stupid.”
“Look, Stella, you and I both know this hasn’t been working for a while. We haven’t even had sex yet, for God’s sake. I’ve tried to make it work, but it’s not, and I think it would be so better for us to go back to being friends.”
‘Friends’ was a term I used loosely when it came to Stella. We only knew each other because she was on the dance team, and I was on the football team. We’d hung out a couple of times, and when I asked her out I thought it was because I could like her. For the first two weeks things were actually pleasant, and easy, and it managed to numb the aftereffects of my fallout with Jade, but then small things started to show through the cracks, like the way Stella would scowl when Jade and I had even the most arbitrary conversation.
It wasn’t until I hesitated at the thought of sleeping with Stella or touching her in a remotely intimate way that being with her wasn’t the right thing. And yet, I’d stuck it out.
“B-but I love you,” she cried, stepping closer until she could wrap her arms around my waist. “Please, you can’t leave me. Jade doesn’t love you, but I do, and I know you could love me too, if you’d just try.” Her words came out in a mumbled rush, and while I knew it was a shitty thing to do to have led her on, it was over. I had to make Stella realize that.
“”I’m sorry,” I said, taking ahold of her arms and gently pushing her away. “This isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t be with you anymore.”
Stella’s expression remained blank for all of five seconds before it twisted into something resembling vengeance. It had always amazed me how she could flip so easily, and it had been too easy to ignore it when I’d rather not have been al
one. Now it only troubled me.
“You’re a fool,” she spat, her voice shrill and irate. “She doesn’t love you, Reid,” - I looked away, hating that her words stung – “and you’re too infatuated with her to give me a chance. You’re going to regret this.”
She turned on her bare feet, and snatched her thick jumper, and tights before slipping on a pair of black boots and storming her way out. The front door opened, and slammed closed, the loud crack echoing through every space of the apartment.
I stared at the floor for a few minutes, and eventually sunk on to my bed in defeat. I felt completely sucked dry of everything – my fight, my emotion – and the way I saw it I only had two options. I could wallow in self-pity, or I could focus on the two things that I could count on – football, and school.
As easy as it would have been to choose the first option, wallowing just wasn’t my style.
** ** ** ** **
The days that followed were long, cold, and almost unbearable. I’d become irritable, and intolerable, and ended up snapping at anyone I came into contact with, including my friends. I avoided the cafeteria because I didn’t want to see Jade, but also because I wasn’t in the mood for company. April meant no football training due to the wet, freezing weather, but I still found myself on the field and in the gym when I wasn’t attending my law classes.
It was only mid-afternoon, and I had my next class in two hours, so I headed down towards the empty football field intent on getting a run in. I might have been considered crazy for running in sixty-degree weather, but being out in the open, and on the field was the only thing that had brought me some kind of peace in the last week.
I zipped up my black U of B hoodie, stuck my earphones in and started running on the track. Lorde’s ‘Team’ started playing, and my feet started pounding the Tartan in perfect rhythm with the song. I did a few laps, and then increased my pace until my lungs burned, and all thoughts of Jade were silenced. When I reached the finish line, I slowed down, and stopped, resting my hands on my head while taking in large gulps of icy air.
I turned around, and scowled when I saw Dane leaning against the tunnel wall waiting for me. He had a grey beanie on, a grey U of B hoodie, and dark jeans with black combat boots. His arms were crossed over his chest, but when he saw me looking at him, he straightened and slowly started approaching me.
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