“That, or you’d been kidnapped!”
“Well, I sort of was, wasn’t I?” she asked Taury.
He grinned.
“Devils, it’s easy to see what you’ve been doing! But I’m not angry. I’m thrilled! I knew you two belonged together.”
Fawn shrugged like a shy teenager. Taury slid his arm around her waist and sighed, rooster proud.
“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m hungry!” he announced. “You got any breakfast food in your house?”
“Not really, if you mean eggs and bacon and such; I’m more of a nibbler in the morning.”
“You got that right!”
Stephanie laughed out loud as Fawn cringed.
“I didn’t mean…”
“We know, Fawn; he was only joking. Taury, I hope you can lighten this girl up. She’s been way too serious for most of her life.”
“I’m going to try. My kitchen is totally gutted. I guess I could run over to the market and get a bunch of stuff to cook here. Be right back!”
He kissed Fawn so hard he took her breath with him. Then he flew down the pathway. They soon heard the roar of his truck, watched him fly through the gates of the beach house drive and disappear.
“Quite a boy!” Stephanie said, smiling. “Was he any good? No, don’t answer that. I can see it in your face. I’m so happy for you, Fawn! He seems like he’s truly crazy about you.”
“God, I hope so, Steph! I don’t think I could bear it if he was playing me.”
“It’s that deep, so fast?”
“Yes, just like Connie and Beau. I think I could forget everything I’ve ever dreamed about, as long as I could spend the rest of my days and nights with Taury. He makes me feel beautiful, and loved. I’ve never had that, not as a child, or a wife.”
“I know the feeling. It’s the way I am with Tom. I’ve done some real soul-searching since I met him, Fawn.” She paused, her gaze drifted out to the brilliantly blue ocean. “I’ve realized I only became a lawyer to please my dad. He wanted me to do something important with my life. But babysitting petulant celebrities while they go through divorces and DUIs and God knows what else isn’t very important, not to me. I’m at a crossroads in my life. I want to be with Tom. He asked me to fly over for the French Open, and I can’t find any reason not to go.”
“Then go! You’re always telling me to follow my heart. Follow yours!”
Stephanie stared at her a moment then hugged her tightly.
“I will! God Damn it! Denise can handle all my cases. She’s been wanting to take on another partner. I think she knew before I did that I needed to get out of this game. Tell Taury I’ll take a rain check on that breakfast. I’ve got a plane to catch!”
She hugged Fawn again then sped off in her car.
Fawn took a deep breath. So much was happening so quickly. The last year had passed creakingly, achingly slow. Sometimes she had wondered if her divorce would ever be final. And the dream of living free in Connie’s house had seemed just that. But here she was, suddenly, in the midst of that dream, with the added excitement of a new love, and watching her cousin take off into a dream of her own. Could life get any better?
EIGHT
The next few weeks Fawn felt like she’d died a sweet death and gone to Heaven. Taury was so accepting of her; it amazed and thrilled her that anyone could be so gentle and kind and understanding. He encouraged her to talk about her life; her childhood sorrows and tribulations, her stolid marriage and hopeless attempts to revive it by going through numerous in vitro pregnancies and miscarriages.
He honestly listened to her, and gave her subtle hints about his own miseries, though he never actually came out and described them. She wondered why, asked him outright. He merely sighed and said nothing he had experienced could compare to her troubles, and then swiftly changed the subject.
Taury’s cell phone rang often; mostly assistants lining up meetings for him in San Francisco or Los Angeles. Meetings he would reluctantly fly or drive off to, promising to return before dawn, which he always did. Unlike Richard, Taury never broke a promise to her.
One night he said, “I can’t promise I won’t leave you, but I can promise that I’ll always come back!”
“You can’t swear to that, either, darling,” she had reasoned. “Only Fate knows if you will come back. Every time you go out that door I worry. Connie thought Beau would be hers forever and she lost him. But she was a strong woman. She could accept a life without him. I’m not sure I could exist now without you.”
He had swallowed her worries for the moment in a devouring kiss. Yet the old Fawn still lurked within her, frightened of unknown horrors and writhing in the throes of threatening nightmares. But this time when she woke in a fit of despair, clutching at the covers and crying out, Taury was there to surround her in warmth and certainty, kissing and coercing the pain away.
She and Taury spent their days renovating the beach house. It was becoming a beauty again, under their careful guidance. They replaced water-damaged walls and sanded and re-stained the pine floors. Then they replaced all the kitchen cabinets with vintage white ones, quite similar to the ones in her bungalow, and they found antique but working appliances to match. Taury installed white marble countertops over the kitchen cabinets, and ripped out the broken tiles in Fawn’s kitchen, and added marble there as well.
Once that was done, Taury rebuilt a crumbling fireplace in the beach house living room, and Fawn decorated it with some original Malibu tiles with white, blue and yellow flowers that they had found at a flea market.
They had a blast traveling all over Southern California in his truck, buying up quaint shabby chic furniture as well as some classier antiques, and filling the house with them. It was a big place. You entered a giant carved wood front door with an arched top. On the left there was a guest room, on the right a bath, then another guest room with its own bath that had been her mother’s room as a child. Down a long, wide hallway you came to an open living room where the fireplace stood, a small study full of bookshelves, and the large kitchen. To its right were the laundry and garage, and to the left of the living room were the main bedroom and its bath. Fawn loved this room; it had its own little fireplace and sitting area. She could imagine her grandparents hanging out there on a chilly winter’s night, curled up by the fire, reading their beloved mystery novels, several of which Fawn still had, in a narrow bookcase in her own living room. Rebecca was her favorite; had been Connie’s, too.
Frank and Jimmy De Paolo came over often, helping them out with design ideas and elbow grease. And the Finches, George, a retired stage director, and Molly, a seamstress for the studio prop departments back in the day – who had lived in their own hill-top bungalow for thirty years – brought trays of cookies and scones as well as offering their services as cat sitters whenever necessary. The cats seemed to love them as much as they had Connie and Emmy. Fawn had to admit things weren’t working out between her and the cats, though they had their moments of affection. But she was so wound up in Taury there was no room for anyone else. She finally let the Finches talk her into giving the cats to them.
Life became full and sure and happy. Stephanie called her every few days or so, expounding on the joys of being free and in love. And Fawn could match her word for word – life could not have been sweeter.
Of course, her parents tried, unsuccessfully, to shame her once they learned she was seeing a man so soon after her divorce. She wouldn’t have told them at all, knowing exactly how they would act, but during a rare phone exchange June had mentioned that Richard was back in San Diego, hoping to get in touch with her.
“Why would I want to talk to him, Mom?” she asked.
“Because he was your husband for four years, Fawn. You have an obligation.”
“I have no obligations to that jerk! He’s the one who walked out, remember? And God I am so glad he did!”
“How can you say that? His leaving made you out a failure.”
“I am not a fail
ure!”
“You couldn’t hold a man, Fawn. I wouldn’t call that being a success as a woman.”
“I couldn’t hold him because I didn’t truly love him. But I have a real love now, and I’m holding him just fine, thank you!”
She flicked her head back in anguish as soon as the words flew out of her mouth. There was silence at the other end of the phone.
“Who is this man?” her mother finally questioned in a low, disturbing voice.
“He’s a businessman,” Fawn said. “His family owns a candy company upstate.”
“Really? Where you ever going to tell us about him? Or bring him around for a visit?”
“We’ve been terribly busy, Mom. He owns Connie’s old beach house, and I’ve been helping him restore it.”
Again, the silence; Fawn thought her mother had hung up then she heard a stifled sigh.
“You mean that Trahern boy? We know all about him. I keep careful tabs on what happens to my childhood home.”
“Yes, his name is Trahern. But I don’t get why you’d care about that house. You were so unhappy there.”
“I had always dreamed of living in that house myself, and raising my children there after Connie was gone. I was devastated when she sold it to the Traherns!”
“I had no idea. And I’m sure Connie didn’t either.”
“Well, never mind that. This boy, so you’re sleeping with him already? Are you a gold digger now, Fawn?”
“I can’t sit here and listen to this. You have no idea what is going on between us, but I can tell you one thing … Taury Trahern is no boy, he’s more of a real man than Richard will ever be!”
“I’m sorry to hear you talk like that. But I’m sure it’s from that boy’s bad influence. He’s probably a rich thug.”
“I cannot believe you! For once I thought we could have a civil conversation, but God was I wrong!”
Fawn began to cry.
Taury had been sitting beside her, fidgeting as he listened to her side of the call. He had stood it as long as he could, but once the tears fell, he made his move. He took the phone from her.
“Hello, Mrs. Brennan. This is Taury Trahern. I would like to meet you someday, when you are capable of enjoying Fawn’s happiness. But right now, you’re upsetting her, and I won’t let that continue. I’m having her phone disconnected. If you want to keep in touch, you can talk to me. My number is 555-4576549.”
Fawn felt the old familiar urge to wallow in grief. She realized it was jealousy that drove her mother to strike, but she was conditioned to obey, and surrender. That kind of brainwashing was very hard to fight.
“Then surrender to me,” Taury told her after she explained her feelings. “Let me fight it for you.”
“No, this is something I have to do on my own. But I’ll let them stew a bit. I say them, because Dad always listens in on the extension, though he rarely speaks. Since the divorce I’ve been a pariah to him. They’ll apologize eventually, if they want to see me badly enough. And if they don’t, well, then I guess I’ll know just how little they love me.”
“I’ll make it up to you. I’ll love you so much that no one else could ever compare their feelings to mine!”
“But I’m not sure I want that, Taury.”
They were lying on the daybed, resting after a long hot day of painting and a cool, light supper on the patio. Now the sun was settling into a blanket of melon-colored clouds, banked underneath by a dark blue sky full of squinting stars.
“What do you mean? Are you tired of me already?”
“Oh, no! Of course not! I’m just fearful of having that sort of all-encompassing passion. Like my grandmother and grandfather had. It excluded everyone else from their lives, including my poor mother. And she still is damaged from it. Her damage spilled over into my life. I don’t want that for my kids!”
“Do you want kids?”
“I always thought I did. But of course I can’t have any. I tried so hard for such a long time. All I got were miscarriages and sadness. I don’t think I could go through all that again.”
“No one said you had to. I’m satisfied with the way things are. If we’re meant to have kids, we will, eventually.”
“You really believe in destiny?”
“Sure, it’s never failed me yet.”
She snuggled into his arms, kissed him gently; admired his shadowy features close up.
“You’re a wonder, Taury. An enigma, I guess I could say. How’d you get so wise, so young in life?”
“I’m not wise; most of the time I’m scared too death on the inside. But I figure if I put on an act of knowing who I am and what I’m doing then people will believe it’s true.”
“Is all this with me just an act, too?”
“You know it isn’t.”
“Yeah, I do.”
They kissed for a long while. The sun drifted below the clouds; their colors deepened, faded to black in the new night sky.
“Let’s sleep out here tonight,” Taury whispered. “I’ve been wanting to since I first saw you lying here that day.”
“Are you sure you mean sleep?”
He laughed. “Well, we can sleep, afterwards.”
He began the ritual eagerly, tossed off his shoes and jeans and began to strip her of her purple tank top and denim shorts. Underneath he was surprised to find the leopard print teddy she’d bought at the mall. It was the first time she’d worn it, and she made sure he hadn’t seen her put it on.
“Beautiful!” he hissed sweetly as his mouth slid over the silky fabric from her breasts to her crotch.
A rectangle of light from the guest room window framed them as they moved over each other. It cast an amber glow on their skin, gave them the surreal look of a painting in motion.
The teddy came off quickly, losing a button along the way. Then they were bare to the cool sea breezes; their skin rippling in goose bumps. But they were oblivious to it, swept up in the passion once more.
Fawn opened herself up to him so easily now. She couldn’t believe how every time seemed better than the last. She savored the taste of his skin, salty and sweet, too. It was thrilling to watch him move over her in the shadows, like the blond snake in her fantasy. Her breaths came short and fast; the wonderful tightening began within her.
“Ready?” he whispered hoarsely.
“Yes. Oh, yes!”
He was about to rise up over her when she flinched in a fit of sudden, excruciating pain.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, bending down towards her face.
“It’s fine, just a cramp; I’ve had them before.”
“Oh, it’s that time? Should we stop?”
“Well, maybe we should, if you don’t mind.”
“It’s okay. I’m here for you as more than a lover. I hope you realize that.”
“I do. But let me take care of your … um … situation, should I say? I’m more than willing.”
He smiled, nodded his head. Fawn moved her mouth quickly to the dark silhouette between his thighs. She forgot any sense of pain or discomfort, lost in the sweetness of him.
He slid his hand downward, began to slowly move his fingers inside her in just the right way. Fawn gasped, started quivering – in moments she was up, and easing her body over his. They shook together then collapsed onto the daybed. Something cracked; the mattress fell to the porch floor. Fawn screamed.
They realized what had happened and laughed till tears ran down their cheeks.
“Oh, my bed! It’s ruined!”
“Don’t worry, it was just the slats. I can get new ones. Did the pain go away?”
“Yeah, I think it was frightened out of me!”
Fawn laughed again, but deep down she was worried. The pain she had felt was nothing new. She’d been experiencing it on and off for a week. And it wasn’t cramps – she hadn’t had a period in months. But she wasn’t - couldn’t – be pregnant. Sure, she reasoned with herself that she should go to a doctor but the thought of dealing with all that again unn
erved her. She’d been in too many waiting rooms, had too many pills and tests and prickings and pokings. Still, she realized it couldn’t go on. For her sake, and Taury’s, she had to find the courage to make an appointment, soon.
NINE
The next day Taury and Fawn decided to take a break from renovating and just lounge around the bungalow. They rented a bunch of old horror classics and locked themselves in to watch them. By afternoon they were blurry-eyed and needing a bit of fresh air so they headed out to the side yard for a tanning session.
Taury was wearing his black Tai Chi shorts and nothing else. Fawn had on the magenta-pink bikini she’d bought at the mall.
He finally admitted he had seen Fawn that first day when she had bravely stepped out nude in the sun. He hadn’t meant to – he’d been on his way up to see the Finches and spied her from a gap in the hedges.
“I have to tell you I needed a cold shower after that!” he laughed.
“I’m glad you waited until now to tell me. I can imagine how mortified I would have been if I’d known then.”
“Well, how do you feel about it now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would it bother you if we stripped down for a sunbath?”
“Now?”
“No better time!”
“What about the gap in the hedges?”
“I’ll cover it up.”
He walked over, took a tall, white Adirondack chair and placed it in front of the gap.
“How’s that?”
“Well, if someone really wanted to look they could still see.”
“And who would? George and Molly are in Los Angeles at a luncheon for British ex-pats.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“So, are you game?”
“Well…”
“I’ll go first.”
He yanked off the black shorts, laid down on a large blue and white striped beach towel. Fawn felt a rush of tingles go up and down her body.
“I forgot the baby oil!”
She hurried into the bungalow, grabbed a bottle of organic almond-scented baby oil from the kitchen counter. She always used it to moisturize her skin when she was sunbathing.
Losing Control Page 5
