Ajit did not speak. He only nodded his head in compliance. Kamal made a namaskar to Nilima and said, ‘Perhaps we won’t meet again soon. I’m leaving this place.’
No one dared to ask where she was going and why. Nilima only took her hand in her own and pressed it a little. The next moment, Kamal did a namaskar to Harendra and followed Ajit out of the room.
15
SITTING IN THE CAR, KAMAL REMAINED SOMEWHAT ABSENT-minded, staring at the sky. As the car stopped, she looked this way and that and said, ‘Where have you brought me, Ajit Babu? This isn’t the way to my house!’
‘No, it isn’t,’ said Ajit.
‘Not the way! Then shouldn’t we be going back?’
‘That’s up to you. If you order me, I’ll go back.’
Kamal was surprised. It was not so much the strange reply as the unnaturalness of his voice that perturbed her. She remained silent for some time; then stiffened herself and said with a smile, ‘I didn’t ask you to come the wrong way, so I don’t have to order you to set yourself right. It’s your responsibility to take me to the right place—my duty is only to trust you.’
‘But Kamal, what if my idea of responsibility is wrong?’
‘Ajit Babu, one can’t pass judgement on an “if”. First let me be convinced that you’re mistaken, and then I’ll judge.’
In a faint voice, Ajit said, ‘Take your time to judge; I’ll wait.’ He remained quiet for a few moments, then suddenly said, ‘Kamal, do you remember that other day? It was as dark then as it is now.’
‘So it was.’ Having said this, she opened the car door, got down and climbed into the front seat beside Ajit. It was a dark, lonely night, absolutely still. For some time no one spoke.
‘Ajit Babu!’
‘Yes?’
A storm was raging in Ajit’s heart. His response stuck in his throat.
Kamal asked again, ‘Tell me what you are thinking about.’
Ajit’s voice began to quiver. He said, ‘Do you remember how I behaved at Ashu Babu’s house the other day? Till then I had thought that your past made up the greatest part of your life; how could I compromise with it? I had stretched forward the shadow behind you till it covered your face, forgetting that the sun moves. Well, no more of that. But can’t you tell what I’m thinking now?’
Kamal said, ‘Am I such a fool that, in spite of being a woman, I won’t understand even after this? I understood it when you took this road.’
Ajit slowly put his left arm on her shoulder and kept silent. After some time he said, ‘Kamal, I fear I won’t be able to control myself any more today.’
Kamal did not draw away. There was no trace of surprise or bewilderment in her attitude. In a quiet, relaxed tone, she said, ‘There’s nothing to be surprised about, Ajit Babu. That’s how things are. But you are not simply a man. You are an upright gentleman. How will you get me off your shoulders afterwards? You won’t be able to do anything so mean.’
In a rapt voice Ajit said, ‘Why should I have to?’
Kamal smiled and said, ‘I’m not concerned about myself, Ajit Babu. I’m concerned only about you. I wouldn’t worry if you could do such a thing, I’m worried because you can’t. I’d be sorry to thrust such a heavy punishment on you for a single night’s mistake. That’s enough. Let’s go back.’
Ajit heard her words but did not heed them. In a flash, the blood in his veins turned furious. He drew her forcibly to his breast and said passionately, ‘Can’t you trust me, Kamal?’
Kamal stopped breathing for a moment. ‘I can,’ she said.
‘Then why do you want to go back? Come, Kamal, let’s go away.’
‘Let’s.’
Ajit was about to start the car, but suddenly stopped and said, ‘Isn’t there anything you want to take from your house?’
‘No, but what about you?’
Ajit had to think. He slid his hand into his pocket and said, ‘I have no money on me. That’s something we’ll need.’
Kamal said, ‘You can easily get money by selling the car.’
Ajit said in amazement, ‘Sell the car? But it’s not mine, it’s Ashu Babu’s.’
‘So what?’ said Kamal. ‘Ashu Babu will never bring up the matter out of shame and embarrassment. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.’
This left Ajit dumbfounded. His left arm had rested on Kamal’s shoulder all this while; it slackened and dropped. He remained silent for a long time. Then he said, ‘Are you joking?’
‘No, I’m serious.’
‘Do you seriously think I would steal something that belongs to someone else? Could you yourself do such a thing?’
Kamal said, ‘I would have answered your question had you been staking on my ability to do it. You don’t have the courage to steal someone else’s property. Now turn the car back and take me home.’
On the way back Ajit gently asked, ‘Do you think it’s something great to have the courage to steal someone else’s property?’
Kamal said, ‘I didn’t speak of it as something petty or great. I only said you didn’t have the courage.’
‘No, I don’t have the courage and I’m not ashamed of it either.’ He paused a little and added, ‘Rather, I would be ashamed if I did. And I’m sure all decent men will agree with me.’
‘It’s easy to agree,’ said Kamal. ‘It fetches you praise.’
‘Only praise? Nothing more? Haven’t you ever come across a decent, civilized person?’
‘Even if I have, I’ll talk about it some other day if the time comes, not now.’ She paused for a moment, then went on: ‘In reply to your argument, someone else might have sneered and said, “Didn’t it prick your well-bred conscience to try to steal away Kamal?” But I can’t say that, because Kamal is no man’s property. She belongs to herself and to no one else.’
‘And I presume she can’t ever become someone else’s property?’
‘That’s a matter for the future, Ajit Babu. How can I reply now?’
‘I don’t think you’ll ever be able to answer that. I think that’s why such cruelty from Shibnath didn’t hurt you. You have shaken it off very easily.’ He sighed as he spoke. A few bullock carts appeared in the headlights. There seemed to be a village nearby. The villagers had left the carts scattered on the road and driven the bullocks home. Ajit drove carefully past this spot and said, ‘Kamal, it’s hard to understand you.’
She smiled and said, ‘How is it hard? You rightly understood that if you took the wrong road, you could lead me into error.’
‘Maybe I got it wrong.’
She smiled again and said, ‘So you were mistaken about the road, you were mistaken in trying to deceive me, and on top of that you’re mistaken about yourself! When will you set right this great load of mistakes, Ajit Babu? Learn to have a little respect for yourself. Don’t demean yourself before yourself like this.’
‘But can you respect yourself merely by denying your mistakes?’
‘No, you can’t. But there are ways and ways of denying. You alone don’t make up this world—if you did, that would solve every problem. But there are others here too, and their likes and dislikes, their ways and conduct, also touch us. So if the final outcome is not to your liking, you will only demean yourself if you deplore it as a mistake. Could there be a greater lack of respect for yourself?’
Ajit was silent for a while, then said, ‘But what if you really have made a mistake? Didn’t you feel any remorse over your affair with Shibnath? Do you want me to believe you didn’t?’
Kamal seemed unable to make a proper reply to this. She said, ‘It’s up to you to believe it or not. I’ve never complained to anyone about him.’
‘You’re not the person to complain. But haven’t you ever reproached yourself for your own mistakes?’
‘No.’
‘Then I can only say that you’re very strange—you’re an extraordinary woman.’
Kamal did not reply to this; she held her peace. After about ten silent minutes Ajit suddenly asked, �
�If I were to repeat this mistake tomorrow, could I see you again?’
‘Ajit Babu, I can only reply to an “if” in terms of an “if”. You shouldn’t expect a definite response to an uncertain proposal.’
‘That means you believe my infatuation won’t last even till tomorrow?’
‘I feel that isn’t impossible.’
Ajit was hurt and said, ‘Whatever I might be, Kamal, I’m not Shibnath.’
‘I know that, Ajit Babu,’ answered Kamal. ‘I might even know it better than you do.’
Ajit said, ‘If you did, you wouldn’t think I tried to deceive you with falsehoods, that there was nothing true about it all.’
Kamal said, ‘We weren’t talking of falsehoods, Ajit Babu, we were talking of infatuation. They are not the same thing. And if you’d wanted to deceive anyone out of infatuation, it was yourself. I know you didn’t want to defraud me.’
‘But in the end you’re the one who’d have been defrauded. You didn’t refuse to go with me, although you were certain that my night’s infatuation would fade by daylight. Come, was it all a joke?’
Kamal smiled a little. ‘Why didn’t you try it out? The way was open; I never once stopped you.’
Ajit sighed and said, ‘If you didn’t, then I can only say you’re very difficult to understand. Let me tell you something, Kamal. Just as the love of a woman confounds the heart, so also her beauty benumbs the intellect. Yet the first is as great a truth as the other is a lie. You knew this was not my love but a moment’s infatuation. How could you bring yourself to encourage it? However proudly the mist might cover the sun, Kamal, it’s the mist that’s a lie. The sun is constant.’
Kamal looked at him steadily for a moment in the dark. Then she quietly said, ‘That’s only a poetic metaphor, Ajit Babu; it’s neither logic nor truth. The mist came into being in the very ancient past, and it exists to this day. It has covered the sun time and again and will keep on doing so. I don’t know whether the sun is constant, but the mist hasn’t been proved a lie. Either both are ephemeral or both are eternal. Likewise, even if desire is momentary, that moment is not unreal. It comes again and again with its momentary truth. The jasmine doesn’t live as long as the sunflower, but who would reject it as unreal? You accuse me of encouraging a single night’s infatuation. Is long life the greatest truth for you, Ajit Babu?’
Realizing that Ajit did not understand her words, she continued, ‘The time has not yet come for you to grasp what I’m saying. That’s why your anger against Shibnath knows no bounds; but I’ve forgiven him. I don’t complain at all for not having got more than I did.’
Ajit said, ‘That means you’ve trained your mind to be so indifferent. Tell me, don’t you have any complaint against anyone in the world?’
Kamal looked at him and said, ‘Yes, against one person.’
‘Won’t you tell me who it is, Kamal?’
‘What good would it do you to know about somebody else?’
‘About somebody else? Well then, I’ll at least be relieved to know that you’re not angry with me.’
Kamal said, ‘Will you be happy if assured of that? But there’s no time for all that. We’ve arrived. Stop the car and let me get down.’
The car stopped. Someone was standing beside the road in the darkness. Both of them were startled as he drew near.
Ajit asked nervously, ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Rajen. You saw me at Haren-da’s ashram today.’
‘Ah yes, Rajen, what brings you here at this hour of night?’
‘I’ve been waiting for you. Soon after you left, a man from Ashu Babu’s house came to the ashram to look for you.’ He turned to Kamal as he spoke.
‘Why was he looking for me?’ asked Kamal.
‘As perhaps you know, there’s a lot of influenza all around and many people are dying of it. The man said Shibnath Babu is very ill. He was brought to Ashu Babu’s house in a litter. Ashu Babu thought that you were at the ashram, so he sent for you.’
‘What’s the time now?’
‘I think it’s past three.’
Kamal reached out to open the car door and said, ‘Climb in, we’ll drop you at the ashram on our way.’
Ajit did not speak a single word. He drove the car like a puppet and stopped in front of Harendra’s house. When Rajen got down, Kamal said, ‘Thank you. You’ve taken a lot of trouble to give me the news.’
‘It was my duty. Let me know whenever there’s need.’ Having said this, he went away. There was no build-up, no ostentation: he simply let them know in simple words that this was part of his duty. She recalled what she had heard about this youth that evening from Harendra: on the one hand, his extraordinary ability to pass examinations, on the other the extreme indifference that let him relinquish success on the verge of achieving it. He was young, he had just entered his prime; even at this age he had kept nothing for himself, but given it all away for the sake of others.
Ajit had been silent throughout. He felt drained after hearing it was three at night. His mind, buffeted by the blows and counterblows of an incoherent catechism, grew dark at the unrelieved sordidness of their nocturnal adventure. Probably no one would ask him any questions; maybe no one would have the courage to do so; but they would all paint the unknown history from beginning to end in full colour, with brushes steeped according to their own propensity, fancy and malice. But what agitated him even more was this shameless woman’s undaunted truthfulness. She seemed to have no need in the world to tell a lie, as though she was flouting and showing up everybody in the world.
Furthermore, he did not know who might have arrived in the house because of Shibnath’s illness. As Ajit imagined them interrogating this woman, his blood seemed to freeze. Suddenly he felt that he despised Kamal, and cursed himself for having lost his senses even for a moment, led like a self-oblivious lunatic by her eager assurances.
As he entered the gate, he saw Ashu Babu himself at the open window. He seemed to be waiting eagerly for him. At the sound of the car he looked out and said, ‘Is it Ajit? Who’s that with you? Kamal?’
‘Yes.’
‘Jadu, take Kamal to Shibnath’s room. Perhaps you’ve heard that he’s ill?’ As he said this, he came downstairs himself. ‘This change of season is unhealthy in any case; and on top of that, all kinds of diseases are breaking out and a lot of people are dying. I myself haven’t been feeling well since morning. I’m rather feverish.’
Kamal anxiously said, ‘Then why are you awake? There’s no lack of people to look after things.’
‘Who is there? The doctor came to see the patient. Mani sent me off to bed and is keeping vigil herself, but I couldn’t sleep. You were late in coming. Kamal, should you remain angry with somebody if he’s ill? It’s not as if people don’t quarrel, but you didn’t even try to find out where he had been for the last three or four days, or where he might have been lying with this fever. That wasn’t right of you. Now you’ll have to bear the brunt.’
Kamal was surprised, but realized that this simple-hearted man knew nothing of what was going on. She kept quiet. In order to appease her supposed anger, Ashu Babu went on, ‘I learnt from Harendra that you were not at home; I immediately understood that Ajit hadn’t let you go. He likes to wander about, and he’d taken you along. But imagine what would have happened if you’d had an accident in the dark.’
It seemed to Ajit that the stone oppressing his being had rolled away. No evil possibility seemed to enter this man’s spotless heart. It always shone with impeccable purity. Inwardly, Ajit paid homage to him in love and reverence. But Kamal had not listened to everything he said—perhaps she had not felt the need. She asked, ‘Why did he come here instead of going to the hospital?’
‘Hospital!’ said Ashu Babu in amazement. ‘That means you aren’t yet reconciled?’
‘I’m not saying this out of anger, Ashu Babu. What I’m saying is only reasonable and natural.’
‘It’s neither reasonable nor natural. But I admit that Man
i should have sent him to you instead of bringing him here.’
‘No, she shouldn’t have,’ replied Kamal. ‘Mani knew that I didn’t have the money for his treatment.’
Her words reminded Ashu Babu of something else. He felt deeply embarrassed. Kamal went on: ‘Not only Manorama but Shibnath Babu himself knows that illness can’t be cured by nursing alone. One needs medicines and proper diet. Perhaps it was better that the news reached her instead of me. He seems destined to live long.’
Ashu Babu turned pale with embarrassment and shook his head repeatedly as he said, ‘Not at all, Kamal. Nursing is everything. Proper care is the best medicine; doctors are only a formality.’ Remembering his dead wife, he added, ‘I have suffered that way myself, Kamal. I have learnt this lesson from repeated brushes with illness. Go in. He’s yours: whatever you think best will be done. While I’m here, there’ll be no lack of medicines and proper food.’ He led her out as he said this. Ajit did not know what to do, but nonetheless accompanied them.
They entered the patient’s room on tiptoe so as not to disturb him. Manorama was worn out, having stayed awake through the night in a chair beside the bed. She seemed to have just dropped off to sleep, resting her tired head on the patient’s chest. Shibnath too lay in repose, his clasped hands resting on her neck. A dark screen suddenly seemed to descend on the father’s eyes at this undreamt-of scene; but it was only for a moment, and the next moment he fled from the room. Kamal and Ajit looked at each other. Then they too went out as silently as they had entered.
16
THERE WAS A COVERED VERANDA ALONG THE CORRIDOR. AJIT and Kamal came out of the sickroom and stood there. A squat lantern of smoked glass hung above them; even by its dim light, the pallor of Ajit’s face was plain to see, as though his blood had drained away at some sudden blow. There was no third person present; yet he asked with all the deference due to a lady not his kin, ‘Would you like to go home now? If so, I’ll arrange it.’
The Final Question Page 17
