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by Amanda Berriman

  Mummy and Toby are slow and slow but I want to keep going fast cos I can’t wait to be back in our house, so I pull and pull on Nandini’s hand and she says, ‘Slow down, Jesika, there’s no rush.’

  I say, ‘I want to play with my toys. I’ve not played with them for ages!’

  Mummy says, ‘You’ve only been away for two and a half days!’

  I say, ‘Well, that’s a long-a-long time and Baby Annabelle might have forgotted me!’

  We go up and up and round and round and up and up and when we’re nearly up to our house I let go of Nandini’s hand and run up the last stairs and Mummy shouts, ‘Jesika, wait!’

  I whizz round the corner and there’s our front door and I shout, ‘Come on, Mummy! Come on, Toby!’

  Nandini gets there first. Mummy and Toby take for ages to catch up and when they get to the door Mummy’s huffing and puffing and she says, ‘Don’t run away from me, Jesika. You know you’re supposed to stay near.’ And my feet are bouncing and bouncing and I say, ‘Sorry, Mummy, can we go in now?’ and Mummy puts Toby down and leans over and pushes the key into the lock and twists it and pushes the door hard with her shoulder and the door zooms open and Mummy almost falls over and she says, ‘Oh!’

  Nandini says, ‘Sorry, I should have said, Leon fixed your door.’

  Mummy stands in the doorway and says, ‘But … how?’

  Nandini says, ‘When you gave me your keys to check if you’d left your lights on. I couldn’t get the door to shut after and Emma was at work so I asked Leon to help.’ Nandini lifts her shoulders up and down. ‘It didn’t take him long.’

  Mummy says, ‘But I can’t … how am I going to pay him?’

  Nandini says, ‘Tina, he doesn’t want paying. He was happy to help.’

  Mummy says, ‘But …’ then Toby pulls at Mummy’s trousers and shouts, ‘Up! UP!’ and Mummy picks him up and walks through the door and now I can run inside too and I run round the living room and there’s Baby Annabelle in the pram and my colouring book is on the little table with my bag of pens and the building blocks are in the box in the corner and everything looks exactly right like it’s apposed to be. I run into the bedroom and there’s our bed and the stripy bars on Toby’s cot and I run back out and into the bathroom and I lean over the bath and check the crack is still there and it is and then I run out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and it’s all the same in there too, cept Nandini’s in there putting things inside our fridge and Nandini’s not ever been in our kitchen afore.

  I run back into the living room and Toby’s hugging Mummy’s leg tight and his face is hided in her trousers and Mummy’s still got the door open and Next-Door Lady is there and Mummy says, ‘Thank you. We’re all fine now.’

  I run over and I say, ‘Mummy and Toby had to sleep at the hopsipal and I had to sleep in two different beds and we’ve been away for …’ I look at Mummy. ‘Was it two years?’

  Mummy smiles and Next-Door Lady laughs and laughs and I can see all her rotten teeth and she says, ‘They are funny. My little boy – just the same.’

  I stare at Next-Door Lady. I didn’t know she has a little boy.

  I say, ‘Where is your little boy?’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika!’ so I think I wasn’t apposed to ask that but Next-Door Lady opens her mouth wide and laughs just like a witch and when she’s finished laughing she says, ‘Time flies, boys grow up. They forget all about their poor old Mums.’

  I think that’s so strange and I say, ‘I won’t grow up and forget my Mummy.’

  Next-Door Lady laughs and pats me on the head and says, ‘I’m sure you won’t.’ And she laughs even more and then waves her hand and walks back to her house.

  I say, ‘She’s nice, but I think she should go to the dentist.’

  Mummy says, ‘Don’t you ever say that to her!’ but she’s smiling big so I smile too and then Mummy says, ‘I don’t even know her name.’

  I say, ‘You can ask her next time you see her.’

  Mummy smiles and says, ‘Yes, I can.’

  I say, ‘Cos if we know her name, that means we can make friends with her and it’s nice making friends, isn’t it?’

  Mummy shuts the door and she doesn’t even have to bang it. It goes click and it’s shut.

  I say, ‘Leon did good fixing on the door,’ and Mummy smiles and smiles.

  Nandini comes out of the kitchen and she’s holding two mugs that are steamy hot and she puts one of them on the little table and she says, ‘I’ve put a couple of sugars in yours, Tina. You look like you need it.’

  Mummy says, ‘Thanks, Nandini,’ and she picks Toby up and sits down on the sofa and cuddles him and Nandini sits down on the chair and I run over and sit next to Mummy and Toby. Mummy reaches over and strokes my hair and Toby’s eyes are doing slow blinking and I think he’ll be asleep soon. I cuddle up to them and I can hear the busy-ness outside of cars and lorries and people and a door bangs and the thump-da-thump-da-thump music is playing and inside me I’m all warm.

  I say, ‘I like being here again.’

  Someone shouts in another room and another door goes BANG!

  Toby lifts his head and looks at me and pushes me hard and says, ‘Go ’way!’

  I smile and say, ‘Don’t be silly, Toby, we’re doing cuddles.’

  He pushes me again and shouts, ‘NO! GO ’WAY!’ and his face is cross and mean and my eyes sting and I blink and blink and I look at Mummy cos she needs to tell Toby to stop being mean and then we can all cuddle again but she says, ‘He’s very tired, Jesika, and he doesn’t really understand what’s been happening the last few days,’ and she cuddles Toby close but I can’t cuddle too cos Toby keeps pushing his hand at me. He blinks his eyes slow, slow and then closes them.

  Nandini puts her mug down and says, ‘Tina, let me take Jesika downstairs for a bit. She can help me for a couple of hours and you and Toby can both have a good sleep.’

  Mummy frowns and closes her eyes.

  Nandini says, ‘Tina? Trust me, let me help.’

  Mummy says quiet as quiet, ‘Leave the door open and trust will come to you.’

  Nandini says, ‘What’s that?’

  Mummy opens her eyes and smiles a tiny smile and says, ‘Life lessons with Magda.’

  Nandini leans forward and puts her hand on Mummy’s knee and says, ‘It’s hard to trust when you’ve been through tough times, when someone undermines your trust, and then losing someone so important and, on top of all that, not having your Mum and Dad around to support you. You’ve really been through it.’

  I look at Mummy and frown and say, ‘Do you have a Mummy and a Daddy?’ cos I don’t think I know about them.

  Mummy says, ‘My Mummy and Daddy died a long, long time ago, remember? Long before you were born.’

  I know who Mummy means now and I say, ‘Are they the ones that had a crash in a car?’ and that’s a sad thing cos they died like Bab-bab and I didn’t even get to ever see them.

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, poppet,’ and then she turns her head to Nandini and says, ‘Magda was more support to me than my parents ever were. I miss her so much. My parents drank and shouted and played me off against each other …’ Mummy looks at me, and then at Nandini. ‘Anyway, it’s all in the past.’

  Nandini says, ‘These things stay with you.’

  Mummy squeezes her lips tight, then she says, ‘Yes.’

  Nandini says, quiet as quiet, ‘And you still miss them.’

  Mummy squashes her lips up small and small and shuts her eyes tight and then she whispers, ‘Every day,’ and then her mouth is open and she says, ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh,’ and her shoulders are shaking up and down and Nandini kneels in front of her and holds her in a great big hug and Mummy’s crying and she’s crying and crying and crying cos it’s sad when people go away and never come back.

  There isn’t space for me to cuddle Mummy so I fetch Baby Annabelle from her pram cos she needs a cuddle too cos she missed me lots and lots when I wasn’t sleeping here. I go ahind the
sofa and I whisper in her ear all about the ambulance and the hopsipal and Duncan and Jane and Paige and Lorna and Ryan and when I’m finished Mummy’s not crying any more, she’s just sniffing lots and lots.

  Nandini says, ‘You really do need to rest, Tina.’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika? Where are you?’ and I come back round to the front of the sofa and Mummy says, ‘Jesika, do you mind going to help Nandini, just while me and Toby get some rest?’

  I do mind. I want to stay here and play with all my toys and cuddle Mummy and Toby but I can’t make the words in my mouth and Mummy says, ‘It would be really helpful, poppet.’ And I do want to be helpful but I can also be helpful here, at home, with Mummy and Toby. I’m always helpful.

  Nandini stands up and holds out her hand to me and her bracelets jingle and she says, ‘Come on, Boss, you can help me keep everyone in order downstairs.’ And Mummy says, ‘Go on, poppet. I can play with you later when I don’t feel so tired.’

  I put Baby Annabelle down and stand up and walk over and hold Nandini’s hand and Nandini says, ‘Just text if you need anything.’

  Mummy whispers, ‘Thanks,’ and then we’re at the door and Nandini is opening it and I’m looking over my shoulder at Mummy and Toby cuddling on the sofa and even though Toby’s eyes are shut I can hear his voice is shouting GO’WAYGO’WAYGO’WAY inside my head and the Big Hurty squeezes and squashes and I blink and blink and blink and then we’re outside on the landing and the door’s shut.

  Mummy doesn’t want me to stay and be helpful.

  Mummy only wants to cuddle Toby.

  21

  NANDINI’S HAND IS smooth and warm and her bracelets jingle against my arm each time we step down and sometimes she squeezes my hand but not one, two, three for ‘I love you’ cos she doesn’t know the secret code, and the Big Hurty is squeezing and squashing so hard.

  Nandini stops at the bottom of the stairs and she crouches down and now she’s holding both my hands and she says, ‘Are you OK, Boss? You’ve hardly said a word on the way down,’ and I’m thinking that maybe Toby shouted at me cos he’s forgotted who I am and maybe he’s always going to shout GO ’WAY at me now and then Mummy will have to tell me to go away too cos she only wants to cuddle Toby and I’ll have to find a new house to live in and a new Mummy and I don’t want to and Nandini is watching me and her eyes are kind and her face is crinkly and I say, ‘Toby shouted at me,’ and my lips are all wobbly and my voice sounds funny.

  Nandini says, ‘He didn’t mean it, Jesika. He’s just tired and grumpy and needs a good sleep.’

  I nod my head and my eyes are stingy and I blink and blink and Nandini says, ‘Come here, Boss,’ and she lifts me up and then I’m sitting on her knee on the bottom step and she’s cuddling me and she smells like lemons and biscuits and she says, ‘You are being such a helpful girl coming with me. Your Mummy and Toby can have a really good sleep and I get your help with all that washing I have to do. We’re all so lucky that you like helping people so much.’

  I do like helping. I am a helpful girl.

  Nandini says, ‘What does Toby really like to play with?’

  I think and I say, ‘He likes the bricks and he likes building things and then knocking them down.’

  Nandini says, ‘I think if you play with the bricks when you get home later, Toby might come and join in. Is that a good idea?’

  That is a good idea. My mouth feels smiley and wobbly and the Big Hurty still squeezes but only a little bit.

  Nandini stands up and holds my hand again and she says, ‘Let’s go, Boss, there’s work to do,’ and we walk to the big front door and Nandini opens it and all the busy-rushy sounds zoom into my ears and Nandini says something else but I can’t hear the words proply.

  There’s two men on the seats inside the washing machine shop. One’s a man I don’t know and the other I can’t see proply cos he’s holding up a big paper in front of his face but I can see his shiny head over the top and it’s Leon and Nandini says, ‘Thanks for that, Leon,’ and he folds the paper up and nods at Nandini and he says, ‘No probs. Everything OK?’ and Nandini says, ‘OK, considering.’

  I say, ‘You did good fixing on our door. Mummy doesn’t even have to bang it now,’ and Leon smiles and rubs his head and says, ‘My pleasure,’ and then Nandini says, ‘Jesika’s come to help me out for a couple of hours.’

  Leon says, ‘Don’t let her work you too hard,’ and then he winks and unfolds his paper again.

  It’s not hard work at all but Nandini says I’m being so helpful. All I have to do is sit at the table in the kitchen and draw lots and lots of pictures and eat lots of yummy jam sandwiches and tell Nandini every time I hear a machine beeping in the other room cos that means we have to pull all the clothes out, and if they are wet they go in a drier and if they are dry they go somewhere else. Nandini pushes an iron onto clothes to make them flat and her bracelets jingle-jingle-jingle and the iron makes noisy steam and I think the noises go right in her ears and stop her hearing things cos every time I shout, ‘BEEPING!’ she looks so surprised like she didn’t hear the beep too.

  After a long-a-long time, when there’s no jam sandwiches left and I’ve drawn pictures for everyone, there’s a different beeping noise and I shout, ‘BEEPING!’ but Nandini doesn’t go to the machines in the other room. She’s holding her phone and looking at it and she smiles and she says, ‘Time to go home, Jesika,’ and I jump off my chair and I say, ‘I can go home now?’ and Nandini laughs and she walks over to the table and helps me to tidy the pens back into the bag and I give her the picture of me helping with the washing machines and she says, ‘Oh, that’s lovely, Jesika,’ and she stands it up ahind the kettle so it can’t fall down and she says, ‘I’ll stick that on the wall later,’ and then I give her another one that’s got Leon doing fixing on our door with his hammer and I say, ‘Can I give this to Leon?’ and Nandini puts it back on the table and says, ‘He’s gone home, but I can keep it safe for him,’ and then I give her one more with lots of rainbows and an ambulance and I say, ‘This one’s for Emma,’ and Nandini says, ‘Oh, she’ll like that.’

  I say, ‘The rainbows are cos everyone likes rainbows and the ambulance is cos I saw her in an ambulance the other day in the middle of the night.’

  Nandini smiles and says, ‘That’s right, you did! And that’s how we found out your Mummy and Toby were in hospital.’

  I smile and smile and say, ‘I know. My Mummy told me. And she said you and Emma and Ade and Leon are our friends now,’ and I think Nandini likes this cos she’s smiley all the way back home.

  Mummy and me are having a race to see who can build the biggest tower with the bricks. Mine’s more bigger than Mummy’s cos Toby is resting on Mummy’s knee and that means she can’t build fast like me. I put one more brick on but everything wobbles and then my tower falls down and I shout, ‘KABOOM!’ and Mummy laughs and Toby reaches out to Mummy’s tower and takes two bricks out of the middle and Mummy’s tower falls over too and I look at Toby and he’s smiling at me! Toby’s smiling! Quick as quick I build my tower again and this time I knock it over on purpose and shout, ‘KABOOM!’ again and Toby does a tiny giggle and I say, ‘Do you want to knock my tower over this time, Toby?’ but Toby shouts, ‘GO ’WAY!’ and presses his face into Mummy’s jumper so I can’t see him now.

  Mummy says, ‘Keep building them, Jesika, he’ll join in when he’s ready,’ so me and Mummy start building new towers and I’m going to make this one more higher than ever, afore I knock it down, and I’m making a pattern that goes green, yellow, blue, red, green, yellow, blue …

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  The red brick jumps out of my hand and bounces on the carpet and Mummy’s mouth makes an ‘Oh!’ but she’s not getting up to answer the door.

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  I say, ‘Mummy, why …?’

  ‘SHHHH!’ Mummy’s eyes are scary-wide.

  I think it’s a baddie at the door.

  Toby bangs his two bricks togethe
r and says, ‘Bangbangbang!’

  Mummy grabs his hands to stop him banging them again. Toby’s face squashes together like he always does just afore he cries loud and loud and I don’t think Mummy wants Toby to do that so I make a silly face quick but he presses his face into Mummy’s jumper again.

  SNAP!

  What was that?

  Mummy lifts Toby off her knee and Toby rolls onto his back and bangs the two bricks together bang-bang-bang, bang-bang-bang. Mummy stands up and walks slow to the door. She bends down and picks something up. Oh! It’s a letter. It was the postman snapping the letterhole, cept he usually comes when it’s breakfast time. Mummy rips the letter open and looks at it and then she’s shaking her head and her mouth and her eyes go wide and she pulls the door open and she runs out and she shouts, ‘You can’t do that! We haven’t done anything wrong!’

  A different voice is speaking. It’s grumbly like a bear but quiet so I can’t hear the words. Is it the postman? What has he done?

  Mummy shouts, ‘That wasn’t us! I complained to you about those things!’

  The grumbly bear voice says something else. I slide off my chair and tiptoe to the door so I can see the postman but all I can see is Mummy standing at the top of the stairs and she shouts, ‘How am I going to find somewhere else in fourteen days? Where do you expect us to go? I’ve got two small kids!’

  The grumbly bear says, ‘I don’t deal with troublemakers.’

  I know that voice! That’s not a grumbly bear and it’s not the postman. It’s the Money Man!

  Mummy shouts, ‘You BASTARD!’ and her voice fills up all the space around me and I didn’t know her voice could be that loud.