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by Amanda Berriman

  Mummy says, ‘Poppet, he was only pretending. It was just a game.’

  But it wasn’t a game, and he wasn’t pretending. I press my mouth right up against Mummy’s ear and I say, ‘It’s cos I said the naughty thing.’

  Mummy pushes me away again and her face is frowny this time and she says, ‘You said the naughty thing?’

  Ryan says, ‘Oh, this is all my fault too. Tina, this is about something that happened at Lorna’s house and I feel like a complete idiot about it and I’ve probably handled it all wrong.’

  Mummy’s still frowning and she says, ‘Oh?’

  Ryan rubs his hand on the back of his neck and says, ‘The other day, Paige got hurt when we were playing a rough and tumble game, she banged her head, and Paige … well, as you know, she doesn’t handle things very well at the moment and she gets very angry when something goes wrong, even when it’s an accident. She told Jesika I hurt her on purpose and I didn’t say sorry, so Jesika told me I had to stop hurting Paige and I had to say sorry and I told her it was all sorted out but she kept saying it and … I didn’t get cross but I did get a bit impatient with her and she got upset and then I felt like a complete idiot because she was only trying to help Paige, weren’t you, Jesika?’

  Ryan looks at me and his face isn’t mean at all now and he’s right cos I was trying to help Paige and he did hurt Paige and he didn’t say sorry. But it was her belly he hurt, not her head. Why is he saying it wrong?

  Mummy says, ‘Is that what happened, Jesika?’

  I say, ‘He hurted Paige’s belly, not her head.’

  Ryan says, ‘No, she banged her head on the door frame.’

  I frown and shake my head and I say, ‘You poked her and hurted her belly.’

  Ryan rubs a hand across his face and he looks at Mummy and holds out his hands and says, ‘We were playing the tickle monster game, maybe a bit rough, and she fell over and hurt her head.’

  That’s not right! I say, ‘You hurted her belly.’ I look at Mummy and I say, ‘Belly and tummy are the same thing, aren’t they?’ Cos Paige says tummy but that means belly.

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, they are, but Jesika,’ and she blows out a breath, ‘it was an accident. It doesn’t really matter if it was her belly or her head. Ryan knows he hurt Paige and he’s said sorry.’

  My chest feels hot and spiky and my foot stamps and I say, ‘But—’

  Mummy says, ‘Enough, Jesika!’ And her voice is snappy like a crocodile and I don’t want Mummy to be cross. She says, ‘Ryan’s here to help. He brought you presents. He’s our friend!’ Then she strokes my hair and she says, ‘Come on, poppet, let’s eat these chips before they get cold,’ and she kisses my head and stands up and walks into the kitchen.

  Ryan looks at me and shakes his head and his eyes are sad and he bends down close to my ear and he says, ‘I told you not to say it, didn’t I? I said you’d be in trouble,’ and then he goes into the kitchen too and I can hear Ryan and Mummy talking and laughing in quiet voices.

  My breathing hurts and hurts.

  My head and my legs and my arms and everything feels wobbly.

  HOOT! HOOT! Chuffa-chuffa-chuffa …

  Oh! I turn round fast and my foot slips and something cracks and Toby screams and then he cries and cries and Mummy rushes out of the kitchen and says, ‘Jesika!’ and I look down and Toby’s train is on its side and the funnel is broken off and I think it’s cos I standed on it by accident and Mummy’s crouching down and Ryan comes over and crouches down too and Toby’s crying and crying and I didn’t mean to break it and Mummy’s face is so cross and she says, ‘That was so naughty, Jesika! What do you say to Toby?’

  My mouth opens and closes. I didn’t mean to break it. It was an accident!

  Ryan says, ‘It’s OK, it’s not actually broken. Look, this bit just slots back in here,’ and he fixes it as quick as quick.

  Mummy looks at me hard and says, ‘If you feel cross, you can shout and stamp your feet but you may not break your brother’s toys. Understand?’

  But I wasn’t cross and I didn’t mean to and it’s not even broken now. It’s not fair!

  Ryan gives Toby the train and I say, ‘See, Toby, it’s not even broken.’

  Toby hits me hard on my leg and shouts, ‘GO ’WAY!’ and Ryan looks at me and he smiles like it’s a funny thing and Mummy lifts Toby up for a cuddle and she says, ‘Poor Toby, it’s OK now, it’s fixed, look!’ and nobody is looking at me and nobody is telling Toby off even though he hitted me and it hurt and Mummy thinks I’m naughty and she might tell me to live in a different place and inside my head she’s shouting, ‘FIND YOURSELF A NEW MUMMY!’ And I don’t want to. I want to stay with my Mummy.

  I run fast as fast into the bedroom and slam the door and get into bed under the covers. Mummy can’t make me live somewhere else if I don’t ever never get out of bed ever again!

  I breathe and breathe and my breath is loud in my ears.

  The bedroom door opens.

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, don’t be silly. Come and eat your chips.’

  My face gets hot and hot with all my breathing.

  Mummy says, ‘Come on, poppet, you can’t go to bed without any tea.’

  It’s hot cos I’m trapped in a cave and there’s a dragon guarding the way out and breathing fire at me. I swish my pirate sword at the dragon and roar, ‘GO AWAY!’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, Ryan brought the chips specially for you. You told him you loved the chips he got you for lunch yesterday.’

  The covers tickle my nose and the dragon disappears. Why did Ryan tell Mummy about the chips? I was going to tell Mummy. He told me it was a secret not to tell. I don’t like Ryan, I don’t like chips and I’m not getting out of bed til Ryan’s gone away for ever and ever and Mummy promises I can always live with her.

  I hear Mummy blowing out a breath and then I hear the bedroom door swishing shut.

  I hear Ryan say something and Mummy say something and Toby giggling.

  I pull back the covers and slide out of bed and creep over to the door and push Mummy’s dressing gown out of the way so I can peep through the hole in the door. Toby is in his high chair and I can see Ryan’s back and Mummy’s next to Toby and everyone’s eating chips cept me, and Toby’s giggling and Mummy’s smiling and everyone’s happy, cept me.

  I creep back to bed.

  Eyes open.

  Dark and noisy.

  Music and veekles and shouting.

  Something’s pressing hard on my belly.

  Need a wee.

  Really need a wee.

  I roll over and dangle my legs til I feel the scratch of the carpet on my feet. I creep past Toby’s cot. I can see his lumpy shape and I put my ear close to the stripy bars and he’s breathing and breathing, slow and slow. I whisper, ‘I love you, Toby,’ and then the hard thing presses on my belly again and it remembers me I really have to go.

  The living room is all in night-orange. Where’s Mummy? Why isn’t she here?

  I say, ‘Mummy?’ cos maybe she’s hiding ahind the sofa, but she doesn’t jump out. And she’s not in the kitchen and the bathroom is dark.

  Where is she?

  My belly does scary jumps.

  I really need to go.

  It’s too dark in the bathroom.

  Where’s Mummy?

  I run back into the bedroom and up the other side of the bed that’s Mummy’s side and a giggle pops out of my mouth. Silly Jesika. Mummy’s hilly bump is right there under the covers. I shake her shoulder and I can see Mummy’s eyes shining and she says, ‘Jesika? What’s the matter?’

  I say, ‘I need a wee.’

  Mummy’s shiny eyes disappear again and she says, ‘Go on then, poppet.’

  I shake Mummy’s shoulder again and put my mouth close to her ear and I say, ‘It’s dark in the bathroom. There might be monsters.’

  Mummy opens her eyes and sits up and the covers fall down and she says, ‘Come on, then.’

  In the bathroom, I sit on the to
ilet and Mummy sits on the side of the bath and it remembers me about the night when Lorna took Paige for a wee in the dark. Did she sit on the side of the bath too? Paige didn’t like weeing cos it hurted her.

  I say, ‘Did Toby’s wee hurt when he had his chesty fecshun?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, why would his wee hurt?’

  I say, ‘Cos Paige said her wee hurted and Lorna said it was a fecshun and she had to go to the doctors.’

  Mummy says, ‘That’s a different kind of infection.’

  I say, ‘I think it’s the same cos Lorna says Paige is always getting them and you said Toby always gets his too.’

  Mummy says, ‘No, it’s not the same.’

  I say, ‘What makes it?’

  Mummy says, ‘What makes what?’

  I say, ‘The fecshun that Paige got.’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, all sorts of reasons. Poor Paige. Urine infections aren’t nice.’

  I say, ‘She was crying.’

  Mummy says, ‘I bet she was. Have you finished, poppet?’ and she yawns a big, big yawn and if the light was on I bet I could see right to the back of her mouth where the dangly bits are.

  We creep back through the night-orange and I see something I didn’t see afore. It’s Toby’s Thomas train on the table and next to it is my pirate costume. I stop and my belly whizzes round fast.

  Ryan.

  Mummy says, ‘Come on, poppet, let’s get back to bed.’

  I forgotted about Ryan being here. And I forgotted about going to bed and not having my chips and Mummy being cross. She’s not cross now. Is she?

  I look down. I’ve got my pyjamas on.

  I say, ‘I didn’t put my pyjamas on.’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘No, I changed you into them when I came to bed and you didn’t even wake up.’

  She holds out her hand and I take it and it’s warm and soft and we go back into the bedroom and I’m thinking about the chips and Ryan and everyone being cross and my belly’s still whizzing and then it growls and I say, ‘I’m hungry.’

  Mummy tucks me up and slides into bed on the other side and she says, ‘It’s a bit late for that now.’ She wriggles about and pulls the covers up high and then I wriggle too and squash up against her and I say, ‘I like being in the bed with you again.’

  Mummy says, ‘Me too. Night-night, Jesika.’

  My belly growls. I say, ‘I can’t get to sleep. I’m hungry.’

  Mummy says, ‘You haven’t tried yet.’

  I say, ‘What time is it?’

  Mummy says, ‘Half past nine.’

  I say, ‘Is that past my bedtime?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes.’

  I say, ‘Is it past your bedtime?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, but I need the sleep. So let’s go to sleep.’

  I say, ‘I’m hungry.’

  Mummy says, ‘You can have a big breakfast in the morning.’ And then she says, ‘Maybe next time you’ll eat your chips.’

  I say, ‘Everyone was cross and I didn’t like it.’

  Mummy blows out a breath and wraps her arms around me in a cuddle and she says, ‘No one was cross, really. We all just need time to settle back to normal.’

  I think about this and I want to ask Mummy if I can stay with her but it’s scary cos she might say no, so I say, ‘Will Toby stop shouting at me?’

  Mummy squeezes her arms and says, ‘Of course he will.’

  I say, ‘And can I go to preschool again?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, but you’ll have to wait until Monday because it’s the weekend tomorrow. But if the weather’s dry, how about we see if Paige can come with Lorna or Ryan for a play at the park? That’ll be nice, won’t it?’

  I say, ‘Not Ryan.’

  Mummy says, ‘Why not Ryan?’

  I say, ‘I don’t like Ryan. He’s not nice.’

  Mummy says, ‘Why do you think he’s not nice?’ She pushes up in the bed and leans over me so I can see her face in the dark and it’s frowny and she says, ‘Is it because he made a scary face at you?’

  I nod my head and then I shake my head cos it’s lots of things and I don’t know which one to tell Mummy cos she got cross when I told her afore and Ryan said it’s cos I said the naughty thing.

  Mummy blows out a breath and her face stops frowning and she strokes my cheek with her hand and says, ‘Poppet, I know you two had a little clash but he didn’t mean to upset you. He’s our friend and he’s been so helpful. Give him another chance, OK?’

  I say, ‘What’s a chance?’

  Mummy says, ‘It means you don’t decide you don’t like someone because of one thing that you don’t like. You wait and see, because they might actually be nice and that one thing might have been a mistake.’

  Ryan hurted me and he hurted Paige and it was on her belly, not on her head, and he wasn’t playing tickle monster cos Paige said he hurted her outside the bathroom and I was inside the bathroom and tickle monster is a noisy game and I didn’t hear him playing tickle monster. That’s one, two, three … lots of mistakes! But I don’t say it cos Mummy might be cross and if she’s cross she might want me to live with someone else.

  Mummy kisses my head and says, ‘Back to sleep now, or you’ll be so tired in the morning.’ She undoes her arms around me and wriggles about a bit more and I think her eyes are closed cos I can’t see them shining and her breathing goes slow and slow and slow.

  I close my eyes but I don’t go to sleep.

  Ryan’s inside my head. He’s mean and scary and he says everything wrong.

  I don’t like him.

  23

  MUMMY’S BENDING OVER Toby’s buggy and she’s coughing and coughing. Each time she coughs my belly squeezes hard. She stops and stands up straight and she breathes big and slow and wipes her hands across her eyes and she sees me looking and she says, ‘What’s wrong, poppet?’

  I say, ‘Have you got another chesty fecshun?’

  Mummy strokes my hair and says, ‘No, it’s the same one, but I’m much, much better. Coughs just take a long time to go away. Did you hear me and Toby coughing in the night too?’

  I shake my head. I didn’t hear anything in the night. I was asleep.

  Mummy says, ‘At least it’s not raining now and we can get outside for a bit. Fresh air helps.’

  That remembers me about waiting at our house for a long-a-long time for the rain to stop and seeing the big rainbow in the sky. I look up but the rainbow isn’t there now. The sky is blue and hurty-bright. My nose tickles …

  Atchoo!

  Atchoo!

  Atchoo!

  Mummy says, ‘Sun-sneeze!’ She laughs and then coughs but only two times.

  I say, ‘Why does the sun make us sneeze?’

  Mummy says, ‘I have absolutely no idea.’

  There’s a noise like a faraway car beeper in the sky and I look up again and … oh! There’s lots of wobbly dots in the sky and they’re making a shape like an arrow and they’re moving fast across the sky. Birds!

  Mummy says, ‘Keep walking, Jesika.’

  I say, ‘Look up there, Mummy,’ and I’m pointing at the birds. Mummy says, ‘Oh, yes, the geese. Well spotted!’

  The birds are flying across a fluffy white cloud and they are teeny-tiny and making lots of car beeping noises. I say, ‘They’re not geese! They’re too small!’

  Mummy says, ‘They’re a long way away so they look smaller than they are, but they are geese. Can you hear that honking sound?’

  I say, ‘Like the car beeper?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes. That’s the sound geese make.’

  We wait for the green man and then we cross over the road. I can’t see the birds now.

  I say, ‘Why do they fly like an arrow?’

  Mummy says, ‘The bird at the front is showing the rest of them where to go.’

  ‘Where are they going?’

  ‘To their summer home.’

  ‘Their summer home?’

  ‘The geese fly south to warmer winter homes w
hen it gets too cold here and then they fly back north to cooler summer homes when it gets too hot there.’

  ‘So they have to keep moving houses?’ I wrinkle up my face. I heard Mummy talking in the phone when me and Toby were eating breakfast and she said moving houses is hard work.

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, but they don’t mind. They do it to stay alive.’

  ‘Is that why we have to move to a different house?’

  Mummy blows out a breath and says, ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Why do we have to move to Ryan’s house?’

  ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘What does complicated mean?’

  ‘It means it’s difficult to explain.’

  We walk through the park gates and I let go of the buggy cos I only have to hold it along the roads and I say, ‘Why is it difficult to explain?’

  Mummy says, ‘Because it is. See if you can spot Paige.’

  I look and look but there’s lots of people and I can’t see her and every time I look Mummy says, ‘Come back, Jesika,’ and ‘Wait, Jesika,’ and ‘Slow down, Jesika,’ but I’m not going fast, I’m just skipping and that’s not fast like running. It’s cos Mummy’s walking too slow.

  Now I can see the playground and I think we must’ve beated Paige and Lorna cos I still can’t see them and then Mummy says, ‘I can see a pirate!’ and I look at the pirate ship and there’s Paige looking through the round looking-out hole and I run and run all the way to Paige on the pirate ship and there’s a shark chasing me and it almost bites my leg off but I jump on the pirate ship just in time and I run up to Paige and I say, ‘Pretend everything that’s not on the ship is the sea and there’s lots and lots of sharks and if you go into the sea they chase you and you have to not be catched or they eat you up!’

  Paige turns away from me and she doesn’t say anything.

  I say, ‘Paige, did you hear me?’

  Paige looks over her shoulder and says, ‘I don’t want to play,’ and then she climbs down the hatch to the hidey-hole that goes to the bottom tunnel. I climb down too. Paige is crouched in the corner and her face is sad. I crawl over and say, ‘What’s the matter, Paige?’