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by Amanda Berriman

  Paige says, ‘My tummy hurts.’

  My eyes go wide and wide and I say, ‘Did Ryan poke you again?’

  Paige holds her hand up like STOP and says, ‘I’m not telling you.’

  I say, ‘Why not?’

  Paige doesn’t say, she just crawls out through the bottom tunnel. I crawl after her. She runs to the slide and climbs up and slides down and I run to catch her at the bottom of the slide but she jumps off the bottom and runs to the roundabout and I think she’s going to jump on it but there’s lots of children spinning fast so she just runs all the way round it and back to the pirate ship and up the ramp and I chase after her and she’s climbing up the little ladder to where the steering wheel is so I climb up too and I shout, ‘Why aren’t you telling me, Paige?’ and Paige turns round afore I can climb off the ladder and she stands right at the top so I can’t go up and she says, ‘Uncle Ryan says it’s none of your business! I’m his special-good-girl and NOT YOU!’

  I say, ‘But he’s not apposed to hurt you. That’s not nice.’

  Paige says, ‘I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU! GO AWAY!’

  I wobble on the step. Why is she being mean? My cheeks are spiky-hot. I say, ‘But you’re my best friend, Paige.’

  Paige says, ‘I’m not your friend.’ Her eyes go small like black lines. ‘You made Uncle Ryan be sad and cross and he didn’t give me sweeties and it’s all your fault. He said so.’

  Why is it my fault?

  Is it cos I said the naughty thing?

  Did Ryan tell Paige I said it?

  Did he tell Lorna too?

  Is everyone cross?

  I jump off the ladder and I run off the ship and everything feels wobbly and I’m crying and crying and I want Mummy but I can’t find her and then Lorna’s there and she says, ‘What’s the matter, Jesika? Have you hurt yourself?’ and then Mummy’s there too and she says, ‘Point to where it hurts, poppet,’ and it hurts all over me and I don’t know where to point and Mummy cuddles me and cuddles me til I’m not crying and she says, ‘Did you hurt yourself?’ and I shake my head and I want to tell Mummy that I didn’t mean to say the naughty thing and I don’t like everyone being cross but I don’t want Mummy to be cross again cos she might tell me to live somewhere else and I don’t want to, so I say, ‘Paige said she’s not my friend,’ and my lips wobble and then I’m crying again and Lorna says, ‘Oh, she doesn’t mean it, Jesika. I’ll go and have a chat with her.’

  Mummy cuddles me again and I stop crying and I say, ‘Everyone tells me to go away,’ and then I’m crying again and Mummy says, ‘Oh, poppet, not everyone. Toby won’t be so grumpy when he’s feeling well again. And Paige is a bit unwell too, remember, with her infection. It’s not your fault.’

  But it is my fault. It’s cos I said the naughty thing.

  Toby shouts, ‘Mu-mu-mu-mu!’ and I look round and he’s on the swing and he’s not swinging, he’s shouting and his face is all crumpled up like he’s about to cry.

  Mummy says, ‘Oops, better go and rescue Toby!’ and then she stands up and holds out her hand and says, ‘Come on, he likes you pushing him.’

  We go to the swings and Mummy pushes Toby first and he’s giggling and giggling and then I push but he stops giggling and shouts, ‘NO! Mu-mu oosh,’ and my eyes sting and sting and Mummy whispers in my ear, ‘Tickle his feet,’ and that’s a good idea cos he really likes that so Mummy pushes and every time he comes near me his face is frowny and then I tickle his feet and he giggles and he keeps doing it, frowning and giggling and frowning and giggling, and me and Mummy can’t stop laughing.

  Lorna brings Paige over and Paige is looking at her feet and Lorna says, ‘What do you say, Paige?’ and Paige says, ‘Sorry, Jesika,’ but then when Mummy and Lorna start talking, Paige sticks her tongue out at me so I don’t think she really is sorry.

  Mummy says it’s lunchtime and she lifts Toby out of the swing. Lorna has a big blanket and she spreads it out on the grass next to the bench and it’s for me and Toby and Paige to sit on but Toby wants to sit with Mummy and Paige wants to sit with Lorna so Mummy and Lorna come and sit on the blanket too and it’s a bit squashy.

  There’s lots and lots of boxes on the blanket with teeny sausages and pizza and tomatoes and cucumber and carrots and pieces of cheese and grapes and apple slices and even crisps that look like teddy bears and there’s juice cartons for everyone too. Lorna says we can help ourselves to anything and we don’t have to ask first. We eat and eat and eat and it’s all YUMMY!

  Lorna says, ‘I’ve left Ryan moving all those boxes out of the spare room into the attic. His mate says he can borrow the van on Tuesday and he’ll move his stuff to ours in the morning and move your stuff while Jesika’s at preschool in the afternoon.’

  I don’t want to leave our house and I don’t want to move to Ryan’s house. I don’t like Ryan.

  Mummy says, ‘I feel so relieved to be leaving that flat. I don’t know how I’m ever going to repay you both.’

  Lorna says, ‘It’s what friends do, isn’t it?’

  Mummy says, ‘Lorna …’ then she looks down at her knees and presses her lips together and then she says, ‘I’ve never told you what it meant to me to have a place to escape to when my parents were going at each other. I know we never really talked about it, but you must have known that your house was like my safe place.’

  I say, ‘We have a Safe Place at preschool and that’s where you choose the Feelings Dollies.’

  Lorna says, ‘You don’t need to—’ but Mummy holds her hand up and says, ‘No, let me say this. You really helped me before and after they died – but when I moved away and met Alex and got pregnant with Jesika, I just let things drift, cut myself off from my old life, and so I wasn’t there for you when David died. After everything you did for me, I should have been and I wasn’t. I don’t deserve all this help you keep giving me.’

  Lorna says, ‘We both lost touch, not just you.’

  I say, ‘Mummy, what are you and Lorna talking about?’

  Lorna says, ‘Look, Tina, when David died, a whole bunch of people rallied round and helped to sort out the funeral, the legal stuff, me. I wouldn’t have managed without their help. And now I can help someone else. I can make space for Ryan in our house so you can leave that awful flat. It’s easy. And later, when you’re sorted, you can help someone else. It’s not about paying it back, it’s about paying it forward. Do you see?’

  Mummy smiles all wobbly.

  I say, ‘I don’t want to move to Ryan’s house,’ and Paige says, ‘I don’t WANT Uncle Ryan at our house.’

  Lorna and Mummy both blow out a breath and Lorna says, ‘We’ve talked about this, Paige,’ and Mummy says, ‘It’s complicated, Jesika,’ and Paige shouts, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ and then Lorna reaches into her bag and says, ‘Ah, look what I’ve got here! Who’s finished and ready for a treat?’ and she holds out a packet and it’s chocolate cake rolls like we had at preschool one time and they are even more YUMMIER!

  I say, ‘ME!’ and so does Toby. Paige makes a frowny face and I think that means she doesn’t want one but she takes one when Lorna holds it out.

  Mummy says, ‘I should have brought the treat, considering all you’re doing.’

  Lorna says, ‘You’re the invalid. Just sit back and enjoy!’

  Mummy shakes her head but she’s smiling too and she says, ‘Ade’s making our tea tonight, too!’

  I say, ‘Are we having tea at Ade’s rainbow shop?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, that’s not where Ade lives. He just works there. He’s cooking something in Nandini and Emma’s oven and—’

  I say, ‘We’re having tea at Nandini and Emma’s!’ I stand up and dance about, singing, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah!’ and Mummy says, ‘No, Jesika …’ and then, ‘Careful!’ but it’s too late cos I feel something squish under my foot and then Paige is standing up and crying and shouting and I look down and Paige’s chocolate cake roll is stuck to my shoe and I say, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’ and Lorna says, ‘It
’s OK, Paige. Look, I’ve got some more,’ but Paige shouts, ‘Jesika squashed it on PURPOSE!’

  Lorna says, ‘No, she didn’t, Paige, it was just an accident.’

  Paige shouts, ‘WAS NOT!’

  Mummy pulls the chocolate cake roll off my foot and she squeezes my hand and she kisses my cheek but Paige is still shouting and crying and she is so cross and my eyes sting and sting and then Lorna smiles and says, ‘I know! Why don’t we all go back to our house for a play? I bet Uncle Ryan’s finished moving those boxes now.’

  Paige stamps and stamps her foot and shouts, ‘NO! NO! NO!’ and she pushes her hand at me and shouts, ‘YOU’RE NOT COMING TO MY HOUSE EVER EVER EVER!’ and she stamps over and sits on the bench with her head down and her arms wrapped round herself.

  Lorna says, ‘Paige …’ and she closes her eyes and presses her hand to her head and Mummy cuddles me tight with one arm and whispers, ‘She doesn’t mean it, poppet. Remember she’s not feeling well,’ and then Lorna opens her eyes and looks at Mummy and says, ‘This isn’t really working today. I think we’d better just head home by ourselves and let Paige rest this afternoon.’

  Mummy puts her other hand on Lorna’s arm and says, ‘It’s fine, don’t worry,’ and then Mummy and Lorna get up and pack all the picnic stuff away and Lorna keeps saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ and Mummy says, ‘I understand,’ and ‘Don’t worry,’ and ‘Honestly, it’s fine,’ and then they have a cuddle and Lorna wipes her eyes and Lorna says quiet as quiet, ‘All these urine infections – the doctor said it’s probably stress, losing her Dad, and then moving away soon after. I feel like a failure,’ and Mummy puts both hands on her shoulders and says, ‘You’re not a failure. These things take time. It will get easier.’

  I say, ‘What will get easier?’ and Mummy and Lorna look at me all surprised and Lorna wipes her eyes and they both laugh but I don’t know why.

  Lorna says, ‘Thanks, Tina. Text you later, OK?’ and then she goes to the bench and takes Paige’s hand and they walk away and Mummy tells me to say bye-bye to Paige but there’s a big hurty lump in my neck cos I heard Lorna tell Paige to say goodbye and she didn’t even wave her hand at me. Mummy keeps saying Paige doesn’t mean it and it’s cos she’s not feeling well and she’ll feel better soon. But she won’t feel better soon cos Ryan keeps hurting her and I want to tell Mummy but I can’t tell Mummy or anyone cos it makes people cross.

  24

  IT’S A LONG-A-LONG walk home up the steep hill and Toby falls asleep so Mummy leaves me with Nandini outside the washing machine shop cos Nandini tells Mummy she has to have a sleep too. Mummy says she’ll try to if she can keep Toby asleep all the way up the stairs. Sometimes he stays asleep and sometimes all the bumping wakes him up.

  Nandini takes me inside and through and through to the kitchen and I think I’m going to help her with the washing machines again but she has a different job today. I have to play with a boy and his name is Dharesh and he’s four just like me and his Mummy is Nandini’s sister and she’s at the washing machine shop too but she’s too busy to play with Dharesh cos she’s talking to Nandini and feeding his baby sister with her boobies, like Mummy used to do with Toby.

  Dharesh is zooming cars around on the kitchen floor, cept not where Nandini’s standing at her iron board cos Nandini says he’s not allowed cos the iron is hot and dangerous. I sit on a chair and watch. I don’t want to play. I’m thinking about Mummy saying you have to wait and see if someone made a mistake and they might actually be nice. I don’t think Ryan is actually nice but if I tell Mummy she’ll be cross again and I don’t want to live somewhere else.

  Nandini slaps the iron forwards and backwards jingling her bracelets and she says, ‘You can play too, Jesika. Dharesh has lots of cars. Give her one of your cars, Dharesh.’

  Dharesh picks up a sparkly red car and gives it to me.

  His Mummy laughs and says, ‘Gosh, the special one. You are honoured, Jesika.’

  I don’t know what she means and I don’t know if I’m apposed to say something so I just hold the car in my hand and watch the floor where Dharesh is zooming the cars around. The cars go super-speedy on the floor and sometimes they crash into the table legs and flip right over and it does look really fun.

  Dharesh looks up at me and says, ‘Do you know how to play car crashes?’ and I know this game cos me and Toby play it all the time and I nod and he says, ‘Let’s play it!’ and Nandini says, ‘Go on, Jesika, get stuck in,’ so I get down on the floor and we whizz our cars together and it is a fun game and it’s even more fun cos on Nandini’s kitchen floor the cars zoom together so fast and when they crash they spin and spin far, far away from each other. We do it lots and lots of times and Dharesh shouts crashing noises and we giggle and giggle and I think Toby will like to play this after he’s had his sleep.

  Dharesh’s Mummy stops feeding the baby and she puts the baby in the pram and then she pushes it into the room with the sofa cos the baby needs quiet to sleep and Nandini says, ‘Maybe that game’s too noisy now. Why don’t you both go into the yard and play with the football for a little while?’

  I say, ‘Where’s the yard?’

  Nandini says, ‘Out here,’ and she opens the door that goes outside and me and Dharesh go through it and we’re standing on bumpy stones and I can hear the sounds of veekles and people but I can’t see anything cept the tall buildings cos there’s a high brick wall all the way round and a big wooden gate that’s brown and scratchy and has a big lock on it like a treasure chest.

  Dharesh kicks the football against one of the walls and he shouts, ‘SCORE!’ and then runs around in a big circle with his hands above his head. He says the wall is the goal and we both take turns kicking the ball at it and scoring lots of goals and shouting and running around with our hands above our heads and then we just run about kicking the football anywhere and it bounces all over the place and we have to keep chasing it.

  After ages, Dharesh says, ‘Let’s go back inside,’ and we run into the kitchen and, oh! Mummy is there and she’s holding Toby and she sees me and blows me a kiss and she’s talking to Dharesh’s Mummy and Dharesh’s Mummy is pushing the pram forwards and backwards and forwards and backwards and she says, ‘Five minutes, then we have to go, Dharesh,’ and Dharesh grabs my hand and says, ‘We have to hide!’ and he pulls me to the door that goes through to the sofa room and I’ve never been in there afore but then Dharesh’s hand is pulled out of mine and Dharesh swings up into the air and he’s yelling and giggling and I look round and Emma’s holding Dharesh high up in the air and she says, ‘There’s no escape!’ and she keeps putting Dharesh down so his feet touch the ground and then swinging him up high afore he can run away and it’s very funny.

  Then it really is time for Dharesh to go and everyone’s saying goodbye and Dharesh’s Mummy says, ‘Nice to meet you, Tina,’ and Mummy says, ‘You too, Sabia,’ and everyone’s smiling and I am too cos now I know what Dharesh’s Mummy is called.

  It’s quiet after Dharesh and his Mummy and baby sister have gone. Nandini and Emma and Mummy sit at the table drinking tea and Toby is snuggled up on Mummy’s knee. I’m on the floor whizzing a car around cos Dharesh forgotted to take one away with him and Nandini said I can play with it til it’s time to go home. I don’t know when it’s time to go home but it’s not yet. We have to wait til Nandini’s oven beeps cos our tea that Ade maked is cooking in there but I don’t know when he put it in cos I didn’t see him and I don’t know what it is cos Nandini says it’s a surprise but I think it’s going to be yummy cos it’s making the kitchen smell warm and cheesy and bakey and I can’t even smell all the washing machine smells now.

  Nandini says, ‘It would be lovely if Dharesh and Jesika end up at the same school. When do you find out?’

  Mummy says, ‘A couple of weeks, I think?’

  I say, ‘Is Dharesh coming to my preschool?’

  Mummy says, ‘He goes to your preschool now!’

  I say, ‘No, he doesn’t.’ Cos I kno
w all the children at preschool and I’ve never played with Dharesh afore today.

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘He goes before lunch and you go after lunch.’

  I say, ‘Oh,’ cos I didn’t know preschool did afore lunch too. Then I say, ‘Can I go to preschool afore lunch and play with Dharesh?’

  Mummy says, ‘I’m afraid not, poppet,’ and Nandini says, ‘But you can play with Dharesh here another time. You had fun today, Boss, didn’t you?’

  And I smile and nod and whizz Dharesh’s car fast under the table. It was lots of fun.

  Nandini says, ‘How about the house-move? Is it all sorted? Do you need any help?’

  I look up and Mummy’s smiling big and big and she says, ‘Tuesday. It’s going to be such a relief. Ryan’s borrowing a van off a mate.’

  I bang the car on the floor and I say, ‘I don’t want to live at Ryan’s house.’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika …’

  I frown at Mummy and say, ‘And Paige doesn’t want Ryan to live at her house too!’

  Mummy blows out a breath.

  Emma says, ‘What’s wrong with Ryan?’

  I say, ‘He’s not nice.’

  Emma says, ‘Why is he not nice?’

  Mummy says, ‘He gave Jesika a bit of a fright, not deliberately but—’

  I say, ‘It was deliberate!’ cos deliberate means on purpose.

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, do you remember we talked about people making mistakes and giving them a chance to not make mistakes again?’

  I say, ‘But he keeps—’ and then I stop cos if I say he keeps hurting Paige, that’s the naughty thing and Mummy will be so so cross.

  Mummy says, ‘He keeps what, Jesika?’ and her voice is snappy and she pushes her fingers into her hair and she looks cross and I’ve not even said the naughty thing.