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by Amanda Berriman

ME AND TOBY and Mummy have been awake for ages and we’ve had breakfast and brushed our teeth and I’m looking out the window and all the shutters on the shops are still down.

  I say, ‘Is it Sunday?’ cos that’s the day when all the shops are shut, cept for Nandini’s washing machine shop that’s always open.

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, don’t touch the window.’

  I say, ‘I’m not touching it, I’m looking,’ cos I know the window’s dangerous and I’m not allowed to touch.

  Mummy says, ‘Come over and play here anyway, where I can see you.’

  I come back over to the little table where my colouring book is and I pick up the brown pencil and finish colouring the horse in the field and I say, ‘But is it Sunday?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes.’

  I say, ‘When is it preschool?’

  Mummy says, ‘Monday.’

  I say, ‘When is Monday?’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s when it was the last ten times you asked me,’ and I think Mummy sounds sad and I look where she’s lying on the sofa and her eyes are closed and I say, ‘Are you sad, Mummy?’

  Mummy blows out a breath and she says, ‘Just lots to think about, poppet.’

  I say, ‘Like when preschool is?’

  Mummy’s mouth makes a teeny-tiny smile and she says, ‘Yes, like when preschool is.’

  I say, ‘Is it yesterday?’

  Mummy’s smile goes bigger and she says, ‘You mean tomorrow?’

  I say, ‘Is that when preschool is?’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s one more sleep, Jesika. One more sleep and then it’s preschool. That’s tomorrow.’

  One more sleep! One more sleep! I’ve not been to preschool for ages!

  I jump up and dance around the table singing, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,’ and Toby claps his hands and giggles.

  I say, ‘What are we doing today?’ and I know it won’t be the park cos outside it’s rainy.

  Mummy says, ‘You and Toby are going to play really nicely together and I’m going to lie here and do lots of thinking.’

  Mummy lies on the sofa for a long-a-long time. Me and Toby play cars in the bath and we play towers and Toby walks Baby Annabelle and Zebra and Para-Ted around in the pram and I pretend I’m a tiger roaring and I keep jumping out from ahind bushes and trees and Toby giggles and giggles and I think he’s forgotted all about telling me to go away cos he must like all the games we’re playing today.

  Mummy gets up to make lunch and she brings two plates through with sandwiches and crisps and apple slices and she puts them on the little table not the big table and I say, ‘Why are you putting them there, Mummy?’ but Mummy’s gone back into the kitchen and then she comes back with two drinks, one for me and one for Toby, and she turns the telly on and puts it on CBeebies and she says, ‘You two have been so good playing together this morning. You can watch some telly while you eat your lunch,’ and then she lies back down on the sofa and closes her eyes again.

  I say, ‘We can watch telly and eat our lunch?’ cos Mummy never lets us do that and I think maybe she’s made a mistake and she meaned we could watch telly after we’ve eaten our lunch.

  Mummy says, ‘That’s what I said.’

  I say, ‘We can watch telly and eat our lunch?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes! You can watch telly and eat your lunch.’

  She does mean it. This is the best day ever!

  When me and Toby are finished eating, I think Mummy will tell us that telly time is finished but she doesn’t so we keep watching and watching and watching and I didn’t know you could watch so much telly all at once!

  Tap-tap-tap.

  Is someone knocking on the door? I don’t think it’s the Money Man cos he bangs loud.

  Tap-tap-tap.

  I push Mummy’s arm and say, ‘Mummy, is someone knocking on the door?’

  Mummy’s eyes open and her arm goes hard.

  The letterbox flaps open and then, ‘Tina? Are you in there?’

  I shout, ‘Emma!’ and dance over to the door and I can see a bit of Emma’s face smiling in the letterhole and she says, ‘Hey, Jesika, are you OK?’

  I say, ‘We’re watching lots of telly!’

  Emma says, ‘Is your Mummy there, Jesika?’

  I look round and Mummy’s still lying on the sofa and her eyes are closed again and I say, ‘Yes, she’s over there,’ and I point.

  Emma says, ‘I can’t see her. What’s she doing?’

  I say, ‘She’s lying on the sofa.’

  Emma says, ‘Is she asleep?’

  I say, ‘No, she’s just got her eyes closed.’

  Emma says, ‘Is she …?’ and then Mummy says, ‘I’m fine, Emma,’ and I look round again and Mummy’s eyes are open but she’s still lying down.

  Emma says, ‘You’ve not been answering any texts today, Tina. We were worried.’

  Mummy sits up and rubs her hands on her face and says, ‘Nothing to be worried about. I’m tired, that’s all.’

  I say, ‘And Mummy’s been doing lots of thinking. That’s why we have to play quietly and watch telly.’

  Emma says, ‘Tina? Has something happened?’

  Mummy presses her hands to her face and shakes her head.

  Emma says, ‘Tina?’

  I say, ‘She’s shaking her head.’

  Emma says, ‘Tina, open the door,’ and her voice is saying Do It Now, and Mummy gets up slow as slow and she walks to the door and her feet swish-swish-swish on the carpet and she opens the door and Emma says, ‘Leon should bill that landlord of yours for doing his job for him,’ and Mummy says, ‘Yeah, well, not much point now,’ and she walks back over to the sofa and sits down and she’s bent over looking at the floor.

  Emma says, ‘Is that what this is about?’

  Mummy nods her head and then shakes her head and she says, ‘I’ve done a really stupid thing. Actually, I’ve done two really stupid things and …’ and then she’s breathing in fast and fast and fast and I think she can’t breathe. Mummy can’t breathe! And Emma is kneeling in front of her and I’m trying to push past her and I’m shouting, ‘Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!’

  Emma says, ‘Jesika, stop!’ and her hand is on my chest, strong and hard, and she keeps it there and her other hand is on Mummy’s shoulder and she says, ‘Breathe. Like this, Tina,’ and she’s breathing in big and blowing out slow and she does it lots and lots of times and Mummy’s breathing gets more slow and more slow til it’s the same as Emma’s and she whispers, ‘Sorry, I’m fine now, sorry.’

  Emma says, ‘You’re not fine,’ and she drops her hand from my chest and she says, ‘Jesika, put your shoes on,’ and I say, ‘Is Mummy going back to hopsipal?’ and my heart is thumping and thumping and the Big Hurty is pushing and squeezing inside me and I don’t want Mummy to go away again. I want her to stay here.

  Emma says, ‘No one’s going to hospital. You’re all coming downstairs because your Mum needs a cup of tea and a chat with some friends,’ and then Emma is telling Mummy what to do and she’s telling Toby what to do and she’s telling me what to do and we all do it all straight away cos Emma’s voice says Do It Now, and Toby even lets Emma carry him down the stairs cos she says, ‘Stop fussing. Your Mummy’s too tired to carry you.’

  It’s busy inside the washing machine shop and we have to squeeze past a lot of people to go through and through to the kitchen. When we get there, Nandini says, ‘Here they are!’ and she jumps up and pulls a chair out for Mummy to sit on and Ade’s sitting at the table too on the other side and he smiles big so I can see all his teeth and his whole face is happy and he says, ‘Hey, Jesika!’ and he holds his hand up and I run over and give him the biggest high five ever cos I’ve not seen him for ages and ages cept when I was with Lorna and Lorna didn’t let me talk to him.

  Emma puts Toby down and he runs over to Ade too and points to his ear and says, ‘In deh, in deh,’ and Ade says, ‘Are you showing me your ear?’ and Toby points faster and says, ‘In deh, in deh!’ and Ade laughs and says, ‘I k
now you want something, Toby, but you got me stumped,’ and I laugh cos I know exactly what Toby wants and I say, ‘He wants a magic strawberry in his ear, Ade,’ and Toby pulls on Ade’s trousers like he’s trying to climb up and Ade says, ‘You want up?’ and he bends down a bit and stops and makes a hurty face and says, ‘Nope, not happening,’ but it doesn’t matter cos Toby puts his foot on the wooden bar atween the chair legs and then pulls on Ade’s trousers and wriggles his belly til he’s all the way on and turns round and sits on Ade’s knee and slaps his hands on the table with a big smile on his face.

  Mummy says, ‘How did you get up there?’ and Toby says, ‘Me up!’ and smiles and claps his hands and no one knows how he got on Ade’s knee cept me.

  Toby turns to Ade again and points to his ear and says, ‘In deh, in deh,’ and Ade laughs and says, ‘My magic only works in the shop,’ and Toby frowns like he doesn’t understand and I say, ‘No magic here, Toby,’ and he frowns more and I think he might shout and then Ade laughs big and it makes his hair bounce and Toby grabs Ade’s springy hair in his hand and pulls and lets go and it bounces back up and Ade says, ‘Ping!’ and Toby giggles and he pulls another handful and Ade says, ‘Ping!’ and Toby giggles and giggles and he keeps doing it again and again and I think he’s forgotted about the magic now.

  Emma gives all the grown-ups a cup of tea and gives me and Toby a drink of juice and she puts a plate on the table that’s full up with biscuits that have chocolate on them. My mouth fills up with water. Am I allowed one?

  I say, ‘What are the biscuits for, Emma?’

  Emma says, ‘Eating,’ and she sits down on one of the chairs.

  Does that mean I can have one?

  I look at the plate and I look at Mummy and I look at the plate and I look at Mummy and Mummy’s looking at Nandini and Mummy says, ‘I told him he could stuff his rent and stuff his flat because we’d be gone by Thursday.’

  Nandini says, ‘Can you tell him you’ve changed your mind?’

  Mummy shakes her head fast and says, ‘Already tried. He told me he took that as my notice and he’s got a new tenant moving in on Friday.’

  Ade says, ‘Can he do that?’

  Nandini says, ‘He makes up his own rules,’ and she takes a biscuit and nibbles round the edges. Can I have one?

  Emma says, ‘He can’t make up his own rules. Phone the housing people tomorrow. Get them on your side. Whatever he says, you’ve got a piece of paper saying you have two weeks.’

  Ade points his finger at Emma and says, ‘She has a point.’

  I look at Emma but she’s not got anything pointy and I say, ‘Who has a point?’

  Nandini says, ‘OK, that’s a plan to start with.’

  Mummy says, ‘I’m fighting to stay in the dump. Who would have believed it?’ and she smiles a wobbly smile.

  Nandini says, ‘And if it doesn’t work, surely whatever it is that Lorna’s angry about can be sorted before Thursday? She wouldn’t want to see you without a home, would she?’

  I say, ‘Why is Lorna angry, Mummy?’

  Mummy looks at me and looks at Nandini and she says, ‘Oh, just … it’s grown-up stuff, poppet,’ and she looks at Emma and she says, ‘You said to trust my gut, and I did and we had that chat with no distractions, and I think … I don’t know, but I think … hang on, I’ll show you,’ and she presses her fingers on her phone and slides it to Nandini and she says, ‘I phoned first but it didn’t go well. She hung up. Then we had this conversation by text …’ She points at the phone.

  Why is Mummy’s face sad? I say, ‘What’s on your phone, Mummy?’

  Mummy smiles and the sad goes away and she says, ‘Nothing for you to worry about, poppet,’ and she pushes the plate of chocolate biscuits towards me and says, ‘Go on, have one,’ and I say, ‘Can I have two?’ and Mummy says, ‘Go on, then,’ and I say, ‘Can I have three?’ and Mummy laughs and says, ‘No!’

  I take two and then I give two to Toby cos he’s reaching for them but his arms can’t stretch that far and he holds one in each hand and bites one and the other and I do the same and we’re both giggling cos we’re eating two biscuits at the same time …

  ‘Bloody hell!’

  Nandini’s eyes are scary-wide and her mouth is a big open circle. She says, ‘Sorry, sorry, not in front of … but, Tina! They looked after … he looked after … are you sure?’ and she passes the phone to Emma.

  Mummy stares at her hands and says, ‘No, I’m not sure, I’ve gone back and forth on it all night. I know something’s not right and I know he threatened …’ Mummy stops and her mouth is wobbly and she says, ‘He threatened …’ and her voice is all squeaky and she blows out a breath fast and her mouth stops being wobbly and she says, ‘Whatever’s going on, I really thought Lorna should at least have the conversation with her, and make sure, you know?’ and I say, ‘What is Lorna doing?’ and Nandini says, ‘Do you think he …?’ And she nods her head sideways and Mummy says, ‘No. No, I asked and … no. I am sure about that.’

  Emma stands up and passes the phone to Ade and she walks over to the sink and I can’t see her face and Toby is trying to grab the phone off Ade and Ade holds it out a long way from himself so Toby can’t reach it and I say, ‘Let me see! I want to see!’ and Mummy says, ‘It’s grown-up stuff, Jesika. Really boring,’ but I still want to see so I squeeze under Ade’s arm and look and I can see lots of numbers and words and I say, ‘Is it a story?’ but Ade doesn’t answer. He shakes his head and air whistles out of his mouth and the lumpy bit on his neck wobbles up and down and up and down and I say, ‘Ade, what does the story say?’

  Ade says, ‘It’s a story about a brave girl and brave lady who chase away a baddie.’

  I say, ‘Is the baddie a monster?’

  Nandini shakes her head and says, ‘That’s one word you could use.’

  Mummy says, ‘But I’m not sure …’

  Ade says, ‘Tina, if you even suspect … There’s another person in this. You have to tell someone else.’

  I say, ‘Tell someone what?’

  Emma turns round quick and says, ‘This is ridiculous. We can’t have this conversation in code.’

  She walks into the sofa room and comes back and she’s holding out some flat boxes in her hand and they have pictures on them and I know some of those pictures and there’s …

  ‘Thom-thom!’

  Toby claps his hands and grabs the box and Emma says, ‘Thomas OK for you too, Jesika?’

  I say, ‘What’s it for?’

  Emma says, ‘To watch on TV.’

  I say, ‘More telly time?’ cos we’ve already had lots and lots and I look at Mummy and she smiles and nods and says, ‘Just today, Jesika. Don’t get used to it,’ and then Emma takes me and Toby through to the sofa room and she puts the deeveedee on the telly and me and Toby sit on the sofa and watch Thomas and Toby shouts all the names of the engines and I don’t think he’s really listening to the story but I’m trying to and I say, ‘Shhh, Toby, I’m listening,’ and I have to keep saying it all through the first story and then in the second story Toby doesn’t shout at all and that’s cos he’s lied down on the sofa and gone to sleep.

  Oh. He’s gone to sleep. Will Mummy mind?

  I skip through the door to tell Mummy but no one sees me cos they’re all talking and talking and then Mummy says, ‘… he told her it was naughty to say it and she believed him,’ and Nandini says, ‘Well, she would. She’s only a child!’

  Ryan’s inside my head and he’s cross and scary. I don’t want to look at him.

  I say, ‘Why is it naughty to say it, Mummy?’ cos I still don’t know.

  Mummy and Nandini and Emma and Ade all look at me and Mummy says, ‘Oh!’ and Emma says, ‘We have a ninja amongst us,’ and I don’t know what that means but everyone’s smiling.

  Mummy holds her arms out and I go to her and she lifts me up onto her knee and she says, ‘Is Toby OK?’ and I say, ‘He’s asleep. Is that perfect?’ and Mummy laughs and says, ‘Today, tha
t is perfect,’ and I say, ‘Good,’ and I say, ‘Why is it naughty to say it, Mummy?’

  Mummy says, ‘It isn’t naughty to say it. Ryan lied to you. He’s naughty, not you.’

  ‘And he lied to me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does that mean he told me something that’s not true?’

  ‘Yes.’

  I say, ‘What did he tell me that’s not true?’ cos Ryan told me lots of things.

  Mummy says, ‘He told you that it was naughty to tell another grown-up about Paige being hurt. It’s never naughty to tell another grown-up if you’re worried about something. No one should ever make you keep things secret.’

  I think about this and I think about the chips secret that Ryan already told Mummy and the squished pasta secret and the breakfast secret and I think about Lorna saying some secrets are good secrets and I say, ‘Are secrets good or bad?’

  Mummy blows out a breath and says, ‘Some secrets are good – like a surprise for someone’s birthday – but there are also bad secrets.’

  I tell Mummy about the other secrets and I say, ‘Are they bad secrets?’

  Mummy says, ‘They’re not really secrets at all. You didn’t need to keep them a secret.’

  I don’t understand cos Ryan said they were secrets.

  Mummy says, ‘Maybe if someone tells you to keep a secret, and you’re not sure if it’s good or bad, you could tell me. I can be your secret-checker, and if it’s a good one I’ll help you keep it. Do you think that’s a good idea?’

  I nod and then I say, ‘Cos I can tell you anything, Mummy.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, you can,’ and her voice is squeaky like a mouse and she turns her head away from me and Nandini puts her hand on top of Mummy’s hand.

  Ade says, ‘That’s where you put your trust, Tina. You can’t know everything about everyone. You build trust with your family so they are never afraid to say when something is wrong.’

  Mummy says, ‘I know,’ and her voice is still squeaky and her face is still turned away and she says, ‘But I still wish I’d never met him. Even if he didn’t … I can’t forgive him for what he said to Jesika.’

  Mummy means Ryan cos he’s bad and he tells lies.