Home

by Amanda Berriman

  I run over to Mummy and I want to ask about Leon and the stickers and the hole and Next-Door Lady but it’s all jumbled in my head and so instead I say, ‘Mummy, is it bedtime?’

  Mummy’s head moves and Emma says, ‘Keep still. Almost done.’

  Mummy says, ‘Not yet, poppet.’

  I run back into the bedroom and I say, ‘Not yet, that’s what Mummy says,’ but Toby’s already asleep on Mummy’s side of the bed and I say, ‘We have to wake him up,’ but Nandini says, ‘No, leave him to sleep. Little darling.’

  I run back out of the bedroom and Emma is packing things into her green bag and Mummy is getting up and Next-Door Lady is pulling out a chair for Mummy to sit on and Ade is still sitting on a different chair and Leon is still fixing the window.

  I run over to Mummy and I say, ‘Toby’s asleep on your side of the bed!’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s OK, Jesika. I’ve got bigger problems to worry about right now.’

  I say, ‘What problems?’

  But Mummy doesn’t say cos Next-Door Lady puts a cup of tea down on the table in front of Mummy and Mummy wraps her hands around it and says, ‘Thanks, Sarah,’ and I say, ‘How do you know Next-Door Lady’s name?’ and Mummy says, ‘I asked her.’

  I smile and lean into Mummy’s side and I say, ‘I told you to do that.’

  Mummy puts her arm around me and squeezes and says, ‘I know you did.’

  Next-Door Lady Sarah smiles too so I can see all her rotten teeth and it remembers me that Mummy said not to tell her about going to a dentist and I whisper in Mummy’s ear, ‘Is it a good secret to not say about the dentist?’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika!’ and she sounds cross but Next-Door Lady Sarah laughs and laughs and then Mummy’s laughing too and she keeps trying to speak but then she’s laughing again and I don’t know what the joke is.

  Then Mummy breathes in big and big and makes her laughs go away and she says, ‘Sarah, grab a chair and a brew for yourself,’ but then Next-Door Lady Sarah says, ‘I’ve done my bit. Time to go,’ and she does go, right out the front door.

  Mummy bites her lip and she says, ‘Did we upset her?’

  Ade says, ‘No, Sarah never sticks around for long. She can’t cope with too much company.’

  Nandini comes through from the bedroom and pulls the door closed and says, ‘Fast asleep, Tina. I even managed to change his nappy, put his babygrow on and put him in his cot and he didn’t even stir. Reminded me of when Dharesh was little.’

  Mummy says, ‘Thanks, Nandini, and thank you everyone. We’re so lucky.’

  Emma comes out of the kitchen and she says, ‘I’ve got to dash or I’ll be late. Tina, I’ve tried to get the boiler going again but I can’t work out the controls. It’s nothing like ours.’

  Leon says, ‘I’ll take a look in a sec when I’ve fixed this.’

  Mummy says, ‘Leon, I don’t know if I’ve got enough to pay for all this.’

  Leon says, ‘I’ll send Darren the bill. It’s a disgrace renting out a place in this state, and to a single mum with wee bairns. The man’s an unethical shitebag.’

  I say, ‘What’s a nunny thickle shitebag?’

  Emma bends down to Nandini and makes a snorting sound and Ade puts his hand up to his mouth.

  Leon says, ‘It’s someone more interested in money than safety,’ and Mummy says, ‘And not a word I want you repeating!’ and her eyes are wide and her voice is loud but she’s smiling so I don’t think she’s actually cross.

  Leon stands back from the window and says, ‘Right, that’ll stay put for now but you can’t open it. Forget asking Darren to fix it, I’d report it straight to the housing people in the morning if I was you and get them to inspect this place. Fucking disgrace,’ and he walks away into the kitchen.

  I say, ‘What’s a—’

  Mummy says, ‘NOT a word I want you saying, Jesika!’ and then she smiles and then covers her smile up with her hand and makes her eyes go cross but I can still see her smile peeping out of the corner of her hand so I think she’s just pretending.

  Emma says, ‘Tina, I’ve got to go, but Nandini’s staying.’

  Mummy turns to Emma and says, ‘She doesn’t need …’

  Emma makes cross eyes and says, ‘You’d rather be in hospital?’

  I look at Mummy and my belly squeezes. Is she going to hopsipal?

  Mummy looks at me and says, ‘I’m not going to hospital, Jesika.’

  Emma says, ‘As long as Nandini stays.’

  Nandini lifts her hands and her bracelets jingle and she says, ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got my orders.’

  I think it’s going to be squashy in our bed tonight if there’s Mummy and me and Nandini, but afore I can ask, Emma says bye to everyone and then Ade says he should go too and Emma says she can help him down the stairs and then everyone’s hugging and kissing and me and Ade do a high five and then they’re gone.

  I say, ‘Where did Emma and Ade go?’

  Nandini says, ‘Ade’s gone home to sleep and Emma’s gone to drive ambulances.’

  Me and Mummy and Toby went in an ambulance at night-time but it wasn’t Emma driving it, it was the Green Man and the Green Lady. My belly squeezes hard. I didn’t like Mummy and Toby going away and leaving me.

  I say, ‘If Mummy goes to hopsipal, will Emma drive Mummy’s ambulance?’

  Mummy says, ‘I’m not going to hospital, Jesika. I’m staying right here, OK?’

  Leon comes out of the kitchen and says, ‘Tina, there’s a smell of gas in the kitchen.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yeah, that’s normal. Darren says it’s because I don’t open the window enough but …’

  Leon scratches his cheek and says, ‘Is it always that strong?’

  Mummy says, ‘I don’t know. I’ve got used to it.’

  Leon says, ‘Did Darren give you a copy of the gas safety certificate?’

  Mummy says, ‘He showed me something about gas safety when we moved in but he said he had to keep it for his records.’

  Leon says, ‘I’ll take that as a “no”.’ He breathes. ‘It’s a legal requirement, for fuck’s sake!’

  That’s another bad word! I think Mummy has to tell Leon to stop saying bad words. But she isn’t cross, her face is wrinkled up and she says, ‘Is there a problem?’

  Leon scratches his head and it makes a scrape-scrape-scrape sound and he says, ‘Tina, I’m not an expert, but I know that when the pilot light goes out, gas leaks out until the cut-out thing shuts it off. If there’s anything wrong with the boiler, and that one through there’s a relic and we’re talking about Darren here so that’s a high probability, the gas might not shut off properly and it can build up and …’ He looks at me.

  Mummy says, ‘And what?’

  Leon looks at Mummy and looks at me again and he squashes his face up like something is hurting and he turns away from me and says something quiet as quiet and I think he doesn’t want me to hear and I go to Mummy and hug her arm and he’s saying, ‘some kind of spark and …’ He sees me and stops talking again, then he flicks his hands open in the air.

  Mummy says, ‘Oh!’ and Nandini stands up, slapping her hand against her chest, and says, ‘Oh my God, Tina! You can’t stay here!’

  Mummy’s mouth and eyes are wide and wide and I say, ‘Mummy, what is it?’ and she says, ‘But … I don’t …’

  Leon pulls a phone out of his pocket and taps it with his fingers and he says, ‘I’m calling my plumber mate. You and the bairns should go somewhere else until she’s looked at it.’

  Mummy says, ‘But where? I don’t …’

  I say, ‘Mummy, what’s Leon saying?’

  But Mummy doesn’t tell me and Nandini says, ‘Come on. We’ve got a travel cot that Dharesh used to use. You and Jesika can go in our bed and I’ll go on the sofa. Emma’s on nights until Thursday so she can sleep in the bed during the day. Just grab some clothes and let’s get out of here. Leave it to Leon.’

  Leon’s talking on the phone and Mummy ru
ns into the bedroom and Nandini says, ‘Jesika, shoes and coat on so you’re all ready to go when your Mummy comes back,’ and then everything is rushy and loud and I don’t know why we have to go and sleep in Nandini’s bed but Mummy gives Toby to Nandini and her door keys to Leon and she’s picking up washing bags stuffed with our clothes and Nandini’s cuddling Toby, asleep in her arms, and Mummy says, ‘What if we can’t come back? Where will we go?’ and Nandini says, ‘They can’t leave you homeless, Tina. They’ll sort you with something,’ and we’re rushing out the door and I look back at our house and our sofa and our table and our toys and I can see Baby Annabelle and Para-Ted and Zebra on the floor and Mummy said what if we don’t come back and I can’t leave them there and I wriggle under Mummy’s arm and she shouts, ‘Jesika! Come back here!’ and I whizz over to the sofa and pick up Baby Annabelle and Para-Ted and Zebra and I cuddle them tight and tight and Leon points at the door and says, ‘Get out of here!’ but he’s smiling and I wave at him and he waves at me and he goes back into the kitchen and I run back to Mummy and she holds my hand and we walk down and down and down the stairs and out the big, front door into the busy-ness. A lorry roars in my ears and we walk fast and fast down the steps to the street and run and run to the washing machine shop and Nandini pushes the door open and …

  WHUMFF! BOOM!

  28

  I LIKED THE bumpy bus the first time I ever went on it, but I like it even more now cos we get to go upstairs every time. Sabia gave Mummy a sling for Toby and a sling is like a bag you put on your back and Toby goes inside it so his legs and arms dangle and he can fall asleep on Mummy’s back if he gets tired. Sabia said Dharesh used to fall asleep in it too but I don’t think she’s right cos Dharesh is too big to go in the sling.

  Today there’s space on the front seats and I go in first and then Toby and then Mummy and we all squash up and I can see everything all around us like the shops and the roads and the gardens and the planes in the sky and the tall towers far away.

  Mummy says, ‘What did you do at preschool this morning? Did you play with Dharesh?’

  I say, ‘Yes, we played on the scooters cept Dharesh fell over and his knee bleeded.’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, poor Dharesh.’

  ‘And I drawed a picture of Leon. Kali sticked it into my special book.’

  Mummy puts her arm around me and squeezes me tight.

  I say, ‘Leon died.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, he did.’

  ‘And he was helping us.’

  ‘Yes, he was.’

  ‘No one lives in our house any more. Not in any of the houses.’

  ‘That’s right. Everyone had to go and live somewhere else.’

  ‘That’s cos our boiler exploded and maked a big hole in the front of the house.’

  ‘That’s right.’

  I think about the last time I ever saw Leon and inside my head I can see him waving at me and walking into our kitchen and I say, ‘And I didn’t know light switches could make boilers explode.’

  Mummy says, ‘We don’t know that’s definitely what happened, poppet. And remember, it was the boiler that was dangerous, not the light switch. You don’t need to worry about light switches.’

  I say, ‘The boiler was dangerous cos Darren didn’t fix it proply.’

  Mummy says, ‘He didn’t check it was safe.’

  ‘And the policeman put him in prison.’

  ‘He’s been arrested but he’s not in prison at the moment. It takes a while to decide if someone has to go to prison.’

  ‘He should go to prison cos he made Leon die and some of the people in our house went to hopsipal.’

  ‘Yes, they did.’

  ‘But they didn’t die.’

  ‘No, they didn’t.’

  I say, ‘And Sarah wasn’t even in the house, she was in the shop, but she had to go to hopsipal too.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, but she wasn’t hurt, she was scared and sad about not having a home to live in and that made her poorly.’

  I say, ‘Will she get better?’

  Mummy says, ‘I hope so.’

  ‘We didn’t go to hopsipal.’

  ‘No, we were incredibly lucky.’

  ‘And now we live far away in the new house but it’s just for a mergency.’

  Mummy says, ‘Sort of. It’s temporary, for now.’

  ‘And I go to morning preschool now and we have lunch at Nandini’s every day.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, sort of. It just made a lot of things easier. Remember, it’s only until they find us a new place to live.’

  ‘Will we go back to our other house?’

  ‘No, that’s not going to happen.’

  ‘Will we live in a different house?’

  ‘I hope so.’

  I say, ‘What’s the different house like?’ and I’m thinking about all the different houses I know, like Nandini and Emma’s, Lorna and Paige’s, Duncan and Jane’s … Maybe the house will have a garden and a trampoline.

  Mummy says, ‘I don’t know the answer to that yet, darling.’

  ‘Does it have a green door?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Does it have lots of windows?’

  ‘I can’t answer that, poppet.’

  ‘Does it have a garden and a trampoline and a—’

  ‘Jesika, I don’t know. I won’t know until they tell me that there is a house for us and we go and look at it.’

  ‘But does it have a roof?’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘Yes, I think that’s one thing I can say for certain. If they find us a house, it will definitely have a roof!’

  I think about our house that we’re never going back to. It’s got a roof too but there’s a big hole in the wall, cept you can’t see it now cos it’s all covered up with a giantnormous sheet that Mummy says is made of plastic and it crackles and snaps when it’s windy and there’s people ahind the plastic doing fixing to mend the big hole.

  I think about the scary bang and I say, ‘I was scared when our house went bang.’

  Mummy says, ‘I was too.’

  I say, ‘It’s sad that Leon died.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes. Yes, it is. It’s very sad.’

  We sit on the bumpy bus for a long-a-long time and then I see the yellow house that means we’re almost back and I say, ‘Press the button, Mummy!’ and Mummy reaches over and presses the button that’s red and says S-T-O-P, and I know those letters cos I’ve been learning them at preschool and Mummy says they go together to say STOP.

  Mummy puts Toby back in his sling and she stands up and lifts him onto her back and I stand up too and the bus does stop and it makes me wobble and we walk down the windy stairs and Mummy says, ‘Hold the rail, Jesika,’ and we step off the bus and Mummy holds my hand tight cos there’s so many people rushing about and we walk and walk for ages til we get to our street that’s got the little wall all along it. I jump up on the little wall and Mummy holds my hand so I don’t fall off and I can see our brown door getting more and more nearer and there’s a lady sitting on the wall just afore our door and that means I have to jump down.

  The lady turns round and Mummy says, ‘Oh!’ and I say, ‘Oh!’ too cos I know that lady! It’s Lorna! But I can’t see Paige. Lorna stands up and she pushes her hands into her pockets and now we’re standing right in front of her and I say, ‘Where’s Paige?’ cos I’ve not seen Paige for ages.

  Lorna looks at me and says, ‘She’s with her Granny,’ and then she says, ‘Hi, Tina. How are you doing?’

  Mummy says, ‘How did you find us?’

  Lorna looks down at her feet and back up and she says, ‘I … I saw a piece of paper in the preschool office. I was waiting there for Stella and I saw … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have looked, but I really wanted to see you and I didn’t think you’d answer a text.’

  Mummy says, ‘Well, here we are.’

  Lorna looks at Mummy and Mummy looks at Lorna and I don’t know why they’re not speaking, then Toby shouts, ‘Do
wn! Down!’ and Lorna says, ‘Can I come in for a chat?’

  Mummy lifts her shoulders up and down and walks past Lorna to our brown door and opens it with her key and we all go inside and Mummy gets her other key to open the next door that’s only our room.

  I run inside in front of Mummy and take my coat and shoes off and I put my shoes under the table and I hang my coat on the back of the chair. Mummy’s sitting on the bed so she can undo the clips on the sling and Toby falls back onto the bed giggling like he always does when Mummy makes him fall out of his sling. Lorna stands in the doorway not smiling, like she’s sad, maybe cos she misses Paige, and she’s looking all around our room at the bed and Toby’s new cot that has bendy sides not stripy bars and the sink and the cupboard and the wardrobe and the table and the two chairs.

  I say, ‘This is our new house but we’re only living here for a small time cos we’re going to find a different house.’

  Mummy stands up from the bed and says, ‘Do you want a tea, or a coffee?’

  Lorna says, ‘I … uh … tea, please.’

  Mummy walks over to the table and pulls one of the chairs out til it touches the wardrobe and says, ‘Have a seat. Sorry, it’s a bit of a squash.’

  Lorna pushes our door shut and walks over to the chair and sits down. Toby bounces and bounces on the bed and giggles and giggles and Lorna smiles too so maybe she’s not all sad.

  Mummy’s not smiling and she says, ‘No, Toby! You’re not starting that again!’ She gets her phone out and presses it with her fingers and says, ‘Toby play Pop?’ and Toby grabs the phone from Mummy and shouts, ‘Me Pop! Me Pop!’ and then he lays down on his tummy and stops being bouncy cos you can’t be bouncy and play the Pop game.

  I say, ‘Can I have a turn after Toby?’ and I go and lay next to Toby to see what he’s doing but he pushes me away and says, ‘No! Me Pop!’ and Mummy says, ‘Jesika, you know he doesn’t like that. Do some colouring or something and you can have a turn soon.’

  I bounce off the bed and go and sit on the other chair at the table cos that’s where all my colouring pens and paper is and I’ve got a picture of a castle and a princess that I’ve not finished. Mummy squeezes past me so she can go to the sink and put water in the kettle.