by Erin Lee
“Are you kidding me? I’m just supposed to be okay with this? You meet some girl, spend two weeks with her, call it a fling, and that’s the end of it? Just a mistake? Be serious! Do you have any idea what it was like when that woman showed up and dropped him off? I couldn’t even get ahold of you!”
Finally, he tells me everything I need to know: That he knew all along and had no plans on ever telling me. Escaping to the army and getting me out of Endings was the only plan he’d ever really had, hoping Hannah and their son would just disappear.
He says, simply, “I know, Cal. I’m sorry.”
“And why didn’t you tell me? Do you think that you could possibly mention something like a kid to your fiancé? Was I just supposed to find out when Tristan turned eighteen?”
“I didn’t believe her. I didn’t think he could be mine. I had no idea I was even on the birth certificate. I still don’t know how she did that without a signature. And we only did it once, well, twice.”
“I’m going to be sick.”
“I’m so sorry, Callie. I don’t know what to say or how to fix this.”
“You can’t fix this! It’s too late!”
Austin sighs and I swear he’s about to cry. I refuse to feel sorry for him—he caused this situation.
“And don’t look all sad like a puppy! I don’t feel sorry for you. No one will! You did this, not me! You ruined everything. Do you know how long I waited for you to come home? Spent the last two months planning a stupid wedding that isn’t happening now.”
Austin’s head snaps up. “The wedding is off?”
“Um, yes! Duh. You think I’m marrying a liar? Hell no! I waited how long and was faithful to you? I’d be crazy to marry you now.”
Now, he does cry. Finally, he says, “I’m so sorry, Cal. You have to understand. I was a kid. It happened with one girl over a two-week period. She was, I don’t know, pushy. And I was dumb. It was a mistake. I even told her that. I never expected to hear from her again. And, I didn’t, for a long time. It’s not like it was love. She was just a girl who—”
“No! I’m not listening to this! We were supposed to be each other’s one and only. You ruined that too. How fucking long were we together? I’ll never be able to trust you. Just, just get out!”
“Get out?”
“Yes. I’m done. D-o-n-e done. Got it? So get the fuck out of the car. I’m done with you. I’m staying with Stixx and Cyber until I figure out what to do. Maybe Cyber’s got some friends I could hang with. You know, just a quick, two-week mistake. Luckily, I take my pills!”
“Cal, we can work this out. I need you.”
“No. I’m done. Get the hell out and call someone else to give you a ride. In fact, why don’t you call baby Momma. Oh, wait, she’s in jail! Good pick, there, Austin. I don’t even know you! You hate drugs!”
“But—”
“Our wedding was a week away! A week! This should be the happiest time of our lives. You ruined everything! Get out. Get out of my life. I am done with you, Austin Rivers! Oh, and by the way, not that you care, but your kid is at Julie’s.”
***
“Ya know, he was just a kid. And Bess says it was a one-time thing,” Stixx says, snapping her gum. “Maybe ya’ll can still work this out. Ya’ll been together since you was kids. It’d be a shame…”
“So I’m supposed to just get over it?”
“Nah. You have every right to be mad at him. If my old man did that, well, hell. I’d be hankering to do something about it, too. I’m just saying, long-term. Maybe there’s a way ya’ll could work it out.”
“I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t sign up for this. And every time I look at that kid, all I’m going to see is her—whoever she is.”
“Old men are hard to come by. Ya’ll have history. Besides, Bess says she looks like him and who knows how long the homewrecker will be locked up. Cyber’s ex has been in for years. No chance of her getting out any time soon. Good riddance. I don’t let it bother me. Everyone has a past, ya know?”
“Austin’s past is supposed to be with me.”
“I hear ya, girl. Maybe you should go see Es. It’s the future you’re worried about, right? And the wedding is so close.”
“The wedding is off!” I frown, sorry to have snapped at Stixx, who doesn’t seem to have noticed or even care.
“For good?”
“I think so. I mean, be serious. Would you marry him after this?”
She shakes her head from side to side, picking at her lip ring. “But I was never much for legal bullshit anyway. I don’t think love needs a contract. But that’s just me. Girls like you, well, you are more …traditional.”
I laugh, eyeing Cyber’s name tattooed on her ring finger. “You’re probably right. I was just so excited. I’ve spent months planning that wedding. Trying to make sure everything was just right. Then this.”
I push away a tear, threatening to morph into a puddle of them, with the back of my hand. I stand, determined not to cry all over again. “You know what? You’re right. I’m going to go see Es. I need some kind of plan—something.”
“Good! That’s right girl, take matters into your own hands. You’re better off doing something about this than stewing. Try to stay busy. Time will help fix this,” she says, looking down the narrow hallway of her tiny trailer. She whispers, “Don’t think Austin’s any different than any other man. You think Cyber’s perfect? Oh, hell no! But, in the end, he’s worth it.”
Stunned, I try to picture Stixx and Cyber—as odd as they can appear—ever having problems. But they are perfect for each other. What kind of problems could they possibly have? I can almost hear Grandma laughing, telling me not to be naive, from the sky. Has he cheated on her, too?
“Bess said the kid’s super cute.”
I shrug. “He’s okay. Messy though. I have no idea how Austin’s possibly handling him alone. I don’t think Austin’s ever been around kids. Not like I have either, but still.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall over at Maggie’s! When’s she home?”
I shrug, swallowing the lump of guilt in my stomach for not checking on Austin’s grandmother. “It’ll be awhile.”
“Oh no! Is she going to be okay?”
“I hope so. I haven’t checked on her. I feel horrible about that, too. Ever since they dropped Tristan off, I’ve been sort of out of it. I have no idea what’s really going on. I mean, she had another stroke—her fourth—but she’s out of intensive care. She’s Maggie. She’s pretty strong.”
“I’ve always liked her.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“She was so excited about your wedding. Ran into Willow at the Lodge. All she could talk about was how happy Maggie was.”
“This isn’t exactly making me feel better.”
Stixx bites her top lip. “Oh. Yeah. You’re right. Sorry. I think everyone was just so excited for ya’ll. Look, I support you no matter what you do and I don’t blame you for calling the wedding off. You’re welcome to stay with Cyber and me as long as you like.”
“Thank you. Really. It helps a lot. I’m thinking of talking to Rory and seeing about renting a cabin of my own. I need to wait for my financial aid to come in for school. Then, I’m going to need a part-time job. Do you know anyone looking for a caregiver?”
“I’ll ask around. I heard Willow’s sister’s moving in. Just lost her old man. Maybe her? I’ll check.”
“Thanks, Stixx, for everything.”
***
“You can’t stay with Stixx and Cyber forever, love. I really think you need to go back to Maggie’s and work it out with Austin.”
I want to ask Es where her crystal ball is. I want to tell her that her tarot cards suck and that I’m pretty sure she’s faking it. I press my lips together and fold my arms over my chest.
“You know, when my daddy got bad, it sort of helped me.”
“Helped you?”
“Well, staying distracted and all. When Maggie gets bac
k she’s going to need you. And the child—what’s his name again?”
Some psychic. Doesn’t even know the kid’s name. “Tristan.”
“Yeah. Tristan—pretty name—is going to need you, too. His momma’s out of the picture.”
“For good?”
Es nods. “Well, you know I believe in free will. I don’t want to sway your decisions. But, yes, the tarots tell me she won’t be seeking rights to him. Too young. Too all over the place.”
“Too young? But she’s my age. It’s not like she’s a teen mother.”
“Age isn’t always in numbers, dear. She’s just not there. And some women just aren’t meant to be mothers.”
Like me. I didn’t sign up for this.
“You are meant to be a momma.”
What the fuck. She’s reading my mind?
I can’t stop myself from scowling at her. I know she’s trying to help. Still, she’s telling me everything I don’t want to hear.
“Blood doesn’t define motherhood, dear. Tristan’s still really young. You could do a lot to help that young man. He’s going to need stability.”
If she’s such a great psychic, why didn’t she see this coming? “I’m not his momma. And what am I supposed to do? Just get over it? Austin cheated on me! Everyone is forgetting that part!”
“Once. He cheated once.”
“Twice. Isn’t that in your cards?”
It’s her turn to glare. “I meant, with one girl.” She shuffles the cards, laying them in precise lines across her coffee table. She doesn’t look up again, rubbing her forehead and squinting, like she’s concentrating to be sure she has it right. For a moment, I feel bad.
“Callie, I have no other way to read this. No matter how I do it, it boils down to the same thing. It’s always the lover’s card. It represents a deep connection; one only soulmates share. I know you don’t want to hear it. I get that you doubt me—everyone does—but I’m telling you, Austin is the one for you, and I’d advise you to go back to Maggie’s and try to work it out. I’m not saying it will be easy, love. But, like I always say, it’s an uphill battle fighting destiny. Have you thought about forgiveness?”
I’m tempted to use one arm to push all her cards onto the floor. Instead, I stand. “Fine. I’ll go talk to him. But no promises.”
Es smiles, for the first time since I got here. “Good! You won’t regret it.”
I won’t regret shutting everyone up. Maybe Austin’s right. I need to get out of Endings.
***
Two months later
Tristan is down for his nap. Austin and I are doing our best to make use of the quiet time to get the house ready for Maggie’s return. Having a toddler in the house has made a mess of things, to say the least. I’m busy with laundry when Austin rushes in the room.
“Cal, look at this!” He shoves a three-page letter in my face.
I put the fabric softener down, rubbing my ring-free, bare hands on my jeans, and take it from him. From what I can surmise, Hannah has voluntarily agreed to terminate her parental rights. Who does that? “She’s just going to throw him away? Like, not even fight for her own kid? I don’t get it?” I lean up against the washing machine, waiting for Austin to update me.
“Apparently, she’s looking at least ten years. I don’t exactly know the details, Cal. My lawyer said she doesn’t think it would be fair to try to hang on to him. She doesn’t want him visiting her at a jail. I mean, I don’t either, so that’s good.”
“Well, no. That would be horrible. But he has to miss her. She doesn’t even want to see him?”
Austin shakes his head. “Probably thinks it’s too hard.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So what happens now?”
Austin shrugs. “More court. Always more court. But if she signs her rights away, I’m the only legal parent. I reckon that means it’s all me. Well, us, I mean, I don’t know.”
So, basically, a full-time package deal. “Oh.”
“Look, Cal. I know it’s a lot. I’m not trying to pressure you. It’s not like I planned on this, and I won’t blame you if you decide to leave.”
I turn back to the washing machine, turning Tristan’s favorite blue T-shirt, the one he wore the day Sally dropped him off, right side out. I toss it in with the rest of the clothes, turning back to my former fiancé, the man I’d planned to spend my life with. Austin—father of Tristan. Austin—what, exactly, to me?
“I can’t think about this right now. We need this house ready for Maggie. And she’s going to kill us about the dog.” I can’t imagine what Austin’s grandmother will say about Rocky, the German Shepard and Pitbull mix rescue puppy Austin brought home last week as a friend for Tristan and cancelled wedding consolation token for me. We are so dead. “Where is he? Has he been out?”
“Yeah, that Drake kid came over again. He’s walking him right now.”
“I love Drake.”
“I don’t.”
“What is your issue with him? I’ve known him since he was knee high to a grasshopper. He’s just a kid!”
“I don’t know. He’s too fucking helpful or something. I’d like to smack him upside the head. Why can’t Paige walk the dog?”
Makes you look bad. “Austin! He’s just a kid. And Paige sucked anyway. Plus, she moved to Maine.”
“Yeah, I guess. But still…”
“Look, if he wants to walk the dog for five bucks, let him. That kid has problems. But who, exactly, are we to judge? We have enough of our own.”
“True.”
“Here,” I say, handing him a laundry basket. “Fold these. Tristan will be up soon, and he needs a bath before Maggie gets home.”
Austin salutes, his dimples making their first appearance of the day. “Yes, ma’am!”
I melt. How am I ever going to leave?
***
Months of hospitalization and rehab have taken a toll on Maggie. Her once-plump cheeks have sunken in and her eyelids hang like old curtains. It’s hard to look at her. At the same time, I can’t look away. All I can see is Grandma, right before the end. Back then, Maggie would visit us every day. She and Willow took turns making meals and bringing in the mail. This would be so much different, I thought, wondering how it would work with a three-year-old in the mix. Everything will be so much different than it was supposed to be. I should be used to this. Or, get used to it.
Finally settled on the couch, Maggie uses the clicker to flip on her afternoon game shows. Muting the sound, she turns to me.
“How are you, dear? I mean, are you okay with things?” I know she’s asking about Austin, and more specifically Tristan. They need to get back in here. It’s a conversation I’m not ready to have. I still don’t know how to feel about Maggie knowing, all this time, about Tristan and keeping Austin’s secret. I cannot picture my own grandmother doing that.
“I’m fine. We’re trying to work things out. More importantly, how are you feeling?”
Maggie raises her eyebrows, wincing and hoisting herself against a pillow. She presses her lips tight, like she’s considering her words, before she finally speaks.
“I’m fine, too. But you do know that Austin was just a kid. Just a dumb boy when it happened, right?”
“Austin is older than me.” I want to add that I never cheated on him, never even considered it, and that I’d had my fair share of chances. I don’t say it because I don’t want to hurt her.
“I know, but boys mature more slowly than girls. And, well, they become men. And trust me, that’s not much different. You think I have been alone all these years for no reason, dear? Don’t make the same mistakes I did. You have to understand, Callie. It was a mistake, and he didn’t know how to handle it. Ran away to the army to escape the whole thing. Total coward move. Still, he didn’t have a pot to piss in. Just lost his folks. Barked up the wrong tree, that’s all. Wasn’t even sure the baby was his. He just wanted to run away from it.”
Run away. All I can
think of is my own momma, likely following the graying Grateful Dead—How old are they now?—Dead around on tour again. Tristan has no momma either. All he has is Austin and, for now, Maggie.
Just as I’m about to ask Maggie what she means about not repeating her mistakes, Tristan comes flying through the screen door. Behind him is Austin, barking at the little boy to slow down. Tristan stops and turns 360 degrees around. Then, he sticks his tongue out—directly at Austin. When Austin’s jaw drops, Maggie and I burst out laughing.
“Wow.”
“Like father, like son?”
“Get back here!” Austin yells, his dimples dancing. He chases Tristan down the hall, finally reaching him at the end, where he captures him and ruffles his hair. “Oh, what am I going to do with you? I’m fixin’ to…”
Tristan laughs, sticking his tongue out again. “Catch me!”
Austin runs back down the hall, directly toward me. He grabs my arm, pulling on it to use me as a human shield. “Catch Mommy Callie!”
There’s no time to process what Tristan’s just called me. In seconds, he’s off, back down the hall. This time, he’s matched by Rocky.
“Oh, no. No way,” Maggie says.
“But Tristan loves him. Look at them,” I say, ready for a fight. “And he’s only a puppy. Look how cute! Rocky, come! Come say hello.”
“Callalily, I said no!”
Rocky comes bounding toward me, just like Tristan. When he spots Maggie, he jumps up beside her and licks her face.
“Austin! Tell her no!”
I’m amazed how firm her voice is. I’d expected her to be much weaker. Glad to see her strong will is still there, I try not to be disappointed in the inevitability that she may make us get rid of the dog.
“Aww, Grams, why not? Tristan loves him and he’s just a puppy; he’ll settle down.”
“I didn’t sign up for this young man.”
My eyes widen. “I know exactly how you feel. But look, he’s so cute!”
Maggie glares at me, at first, the way Pappy used to. Then, she laughs. “Fine. I’ll give it a chance. But he better be on his best behavior.”
