by Lori Ryan
“Have you talked to Sara about it?” Jonathan tried again.
Warrick shook his head. “No. She knows a little bit about Vicki, but she doesn’t know everything.”
“You know I’ve been waiting for you to get over this by yourself. I kept telling myself Warrick is a strong guy, a smart man. But here you are, three years later and still feeling sorry for yourself.”
Warrick laughed, letting the bitterness rising like bile in his throat mingle with the laughter and come out in its tone. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m watching out for Sara. How can I let somebody else in my life after I let down everyone around me? After what I did to Vicki? To our baby?”
“What is it that you think you’ve done?”
Now Warrick started to raise his voice, something he had never done with his uncle. With his dad? Oh yeah. There’s been a lot of screaming between the two of them. But his uncle had always listened to him. Had always had time for him.
“Don’t you get it? Vicki would never have gone back to drugs and drinking if it weren’t for me. She was clean. She was off that shit. And you know what she wanted? All she ever wanted? Was to be a mom. She wanted a family. Not only did I not give her that, when she asked if we could adopt, do you know what I said?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “I said no. What the hell kind of a husband says no when his wife asks if they can adopt a baby? I told her if the baby wasn’t my own I didn’t want it.”
“That was your father speaking, not you, Warrick.” Jonathan’s voice was quiet, but there was a firmness to it that wasn’t always present. “If you told her that, it was because your father had convinced you that you needed to give him an heir.”
Another burst of that bitter laugh. “On his deathbed. He told me on his deathbed that even my sperm couldn’t live up to his standards.”
Jonathan’s sigh was heavy. “Warrick, your father was a cruel man and an ass. He was one of those people who was never happy with himself, so he had to make sure the people around him felt as bad or worse than he did.”
Warrick didn’t answer. Jonathan wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. Jonathan continued anyway. “But what you don’t realize is that you’re the polar opposite. You’re not happy with yourself, so you think you don’t deserve anything good in this world. That you deserve to pay the price forever for some imagined failings. And they are imagined,” he said when Warrick opened his mouth to argue. “Vicki was an adult. She made the choice to use drugs again, to get in that car when she had no business driving. I know you loved her from the time you guys were just kids, but that’s all the more reason for you to know that her problems started long before you could take the blame for any of them. She was sick when she was younger and her dad didn’t do right by her. He didn’t get her the kind of help she needed. You know that. In your heart, you know it. You just need to find a way to get your head to believe that. To let yourself forgive.”
He stood, leaving Warrick to think about what he’d said. His uncle stopped when he got to the door. “Sara is a pretty incredible woman. You deserve to have someone like her in your life, and I know you don’t believe you’re good enough for her, but that’s just bumpkis, Warrick. Plain and simple.”
Warrick shook his head. “Bumpkis, huh?”
“It’s a technical term,” Jonathan said. “Look it up,” He turned and let himself out while Warrick shook his head.
Chapter 30
“You haven’t heard from him at all?” Samantha asked. She and Sara sat in Samantha’s living room. Samantha’s husband, Logan, had taken over baby duties and put baby Joey down to bed, then left Samantha and Sara to talk.
Sara shook her head no, then took a sip of her wine.
He’d made her feel so good, so wanted. So much like the woman she used to be. She wanted that to last. She wanted it back.
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”
Sara tried to smile, but it was weak. She wouldn’t let herself cry any more, but she was having a little trouble with the smiling thing. Samantha moved closer to her on the couch and pulled her in for a hug. Sara accepted the hug for a good long while. When they pulled apart, Samantha put her wine glass back in her hands, then refilled it from the bottle.
“He’ll come around, hon. He’s probably just scared or in a panic. From what I’ve heard, he mourned for his wife for a long time.”
“I don’t think he’s ever stopped.” Sara knew he hadn’t. He didn’t talk about Vicki all the time or anything like that. He was too careful to do that. Too in control. But she knew he wasn’t over her. It was in everything he did. She could see the sorrow and the self-blame written on his face at times.
“Oh, honey.” Samantha rubbed Sara’s arm.
Sara laughed a little. “You’ve said that a few times.”
Samantha laughed, too. “Sorry. I just wish I knew what to say. I can call him a pig and an ass if you want. That’s helpful, right? He’s a total ass!”
“Ha! Yes, that helps.” Her face crumpled again. “Except he’s not. He’s really not. I mean, I get it. He loved his wife. I know there’s more going on there that he hasn’t told me, but I think he feels guilty for her death. Like he should have been able to stop it. I think he blames himself for her addiction.” She’d always known there was more going on with Vicki’s death than he’d shared with her. Maybe with anyone. It wasn’t like the man was an open book. There was a part of him that was unreachable.
She guessed he would say the same about her, though. The irony wasn’t lost on her.
“Oh that poor man,” Samantha said, making Sara laugh again. Samantha couldn’t help it. She really did feel for everyone. It was what made her such a good friend.
Sara smirked. “You’re supposed to be feeling for me not him.”
Samantha raised her hands up. “What can I say? It’s like you’re two people who both totally deserve love and a happily ever after, but you’re both sort of floating and lost because you’ve been hurt so badly in the past.”
Sara pulled her knees up, resting her chin on them. “Yeah, love sucks.”
“Love?”
She sighed. “You know what I mean. Potential love is the right way to say it, I guess.” As she spoke, she brushed aside the feeling that this had somehow gone past potential for her. She didn’t how it happened and she didn’t know what to do about it, but she felt very much like she was lying to herself and to her friend. Potential love was a load of horse crap and she knew it.
Chapter 31
Warrick paced his living room floor. He’d showered and tried to sleep, but that had lasted all of five minutes. There was no denying it—he wanted Sara. He wanted to be with her, and not just tonight. He wanted more with her.
He just had to find out if she could accept him as he was. Could she handle it if he was honest? If he explained he could love her, be with her, but had to hold back a piece of his heart from her. That he couldn’t love her with all of himself, all his heart. That he had to protect himself on some level.
She would understand that. In fact, he reasoned, she might want the same thing herself. To build a life together, but not be wholly vulnerable to the kind of pain they’d both been through in the past. She’d been hurt, too, and he recognized she avoided commitment, avoided putting herself out there because of it. They could make this work.
He eyed the clock then paced the length of the floor again. It was after midnight. Could he really show up at her door? Screw it.
He threw on a pair of sneakers and grabbed his car keys.
Warrick left through the back door of the building, cutting directly across the lot to his car. He would lay it out for Sara. She would understand.
Ten minutes later, he took her front steps two at a time, relieved to see the lights on in the living room. He knocked softly.
She took his breath away when she answered. She looked freshly showered and she wore a long sweatshirt and socks. The sweatshirt came to her thighs and if he had to guess, she wasn’t we
aring anything under it. That wasn’t what took his breath. It was the kick to the gut when he saw that she’d been crying.
She didn’t say anything, but she lifted her chin a little as if to dare him to screw with her.
“Sara,” he breathed and reached for her. He pulled her to him and she came, for a moment. Her body melted against his and her arms came around his back. But then she pushed out of his hold.
“You left.” There was accusation and sadness in her voice.
“I’m sorry. I’d like to explain. If I can.”
She stepped back and let him in, and he took her hand and drew her to the couch, pulling her down next to him. She seemed to fit so perfectly, leaning against him like she was made to fit as she curled into him and he wrapped his arms around her.
“I missed you.”
“Where did you go?” She asked the question without judgment now as if she was willing to listen.
“To New Hampshire.”
“Trying out cabin life?”
He grinned and nodded. “It didn’t work out.”
“Tell me about it.” She took one of his hands in hers and he began to tell her about Vicki.
He told Sara about Vicki’s need to fill some emptiness inside of her that he could never understand. His failure to be there for her, to understand she needed more from him. “By the time I had decided it was silly not to adopt a child, she’d gone back to drinking and using drugs. I couldn’t bring a baby into that.”
He took a slow breath. “It took me so long to figure out that it didn’t matter if a baby was ours or not. We would have loved any child. It just took me too damned long.”
His voice sounded hollow when he spoke the next words. “I let her leave that night. There’d been so many nights of fighting. So many times I tried to get through to her. But I knew that night she’d been drinking. I was just so tired of trying to stop her. I let her down. I let our baby down.”
Sara turned to look at him and there was so much sorrow in her eyes. “Oh no. No, Warrick.”
He nodded.
She cupped his face with her hand. “I’m so sorry.” She was quiet a minute. “So you and Vicki didn’t know?”
“I honestly don’t know if she did. I’ve come to believe she couldn’t have. She wanted to be a mother so badly. I don’t think she would have done anything to harm our baby if she knew.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, though. The addiction seemed to have hold of her so tightly that last time. I just don’t know.”
Sara didn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault. Didn’t say he should have stopped her from getting in the car. Didn’t absolve him. And for that, he was glad. He didn’t want that. He’d started to come to terms with the way he let Vicki down. But he didn’t want forgiveness for it. That wasn’t something he deserved. He didn’t know if Sara somehow knew it would be empty words for him. He wasn’t ready to hear it yet. He probably wouldn’t ever get there.
“I really want to be with you. You make me feel things I haven’t felt in so long, Sara. You make me feel almost whole again.” He could see the wariness in her eyes. “I just can’t let myself love again. I can’t do that—can’t go through it again. It gutted me when I lost Vicki and the baby. I can’t be in that position again.”
She laid her head on his shoulder and he watched as her chest rose and fell softly. She was still for a few minutes before she laughed.
He found himself smiling. “You’re laughing?”
“I’m sorry,” she waived her hand. “It’s not funny. It’s just, I’m not ready to really let someone in either. I think I made that clear when I sort of freaked the other night and made you leave.”
“Ah, that. Yeah, that was something. You wanna tell me about that?”
She fidgeted, but answered. “I just guess I’m not ready to have anyone really close again.”
“Because they might leave if it gets too heavy?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“We’re a pair.” He brought her hand up and kissed the soft skin on the inside of her wrist.
She made a soft sound and he knew he didn’t want this to end. He had no idea where they were going and he knew they were both broken. That had to make this a bad idea. But he wasn’t ready to walk away.
“Do you want to try? Try being a couple, Sara?”
“It sounds like a horrible idea,” she looked up at him and leaned into him a bit, and he pulled her to straddle his lap, settling her in and lining them up just where he needed her to be.
He ran his hands up her back, pressing as he went until she slid closer. “Can you live with that?” He brushed his lips against hers as she wriggled closer still.
She nodded. “Can you live with going home at the end of the night? Until I’m ready for more than that?”
He had to admit, he wanted to say no. He wanted to make love then wrap her in his arms and hold her. He didn’t want to go home and spend the night alone. But he would take what she’d give him for now. “Yes. I can live with that.”
She leaned her head to the side as he trailed kisses down her neck, loving the sounds that came from her in response. She ground down into him. He’d been hard already, but now he needed to be inside of her. Needed to bury himself deep within her as she wrapped herself around him.
He pulled the sweatshirt she wore up over her head and she brought her arms up, letting him slip it off. The pair of lace panties he revealed did little to cover her from him and he groaned at the sight of her.
“You’re incredible.” He dropped the sweatshirt and ran his hands down her torso and over her thighs. Her skin was silky soft and the slightest touch of his hands to it made his erection scream for more. He wanted to lick and bite and tease every damned inch of her. He wanted her moaning his name and wrapping her legs around him as she came. He wanted to feel her as she came on his cock, milking him again and again.
Sara was lost in the sensation of Warrick’s hands and mouth on her. He had the ability to take her out of reality so easily, it sometimes shocked her. He could make her forget things and just feel.
Need and want spiraled in her. He closed his mouth around one nipple and the wet heat sent another flood of arousal through her. When he moved to the other breast, she let out a low moan and pulled at his shirt. She wanted to see him, touch him. She needed more from him. So much more.
He pulled his shirt over his head. She ran her right hand over his shoulder and chest, reveling in the heat, feeling the taught muscles underneath the skin. There was just enough hair on his chest to tickle and tease her hand. She moved her hand up to his head as his tongue did things to her nipples that had her body pulsing with need. He raised his face to hers and the look in his eyes told her he felt the same way she did.
She licked her lips and dropped her eyes, taking in the sight of him before her. She’d thought this would never happen again. That they’d never be together again like this.
He put his hand around the back of her head and pulled gently on her hair, directing her eyes to his. “Someday, I’m going to get you to forget all of it. Not to worry about what I think or if I might run.”
He sealed that promise with a kiss before standing and letting her slide down his body. Within minutes, he had his pants and boxers off and her panties somehow disappeared. Then he was kneeling in front of her doing things to her that made her grip his hair in her hands begging him not to stop.
He didn’t stop. Not until she came apart in his arms and he had to hold her up as her body went week from her orgasm.
When he took her to the bedroom and entered her, she felt full and whole and complete. He kissed her with long drugging kisses as he moved in her, deep and hard. Every part of her body responded, panting with the need to come again.
Her body felt so right in his arms, as though she belonged with him. As though he belonged with her. It was more than a physical sensation, and on some level, it scared her.
He whispered to her as they made love. Words like incredible and
beautiful. Words that made her believe he might never walk away from her. She shoved aside that belief. She couldn’t handle the weight of it, the risk. Couldn’t let herself put faith in it.
She moved her body with each thrust of his hips, twisting as he entered her again and again. Each plunge sent that sweet feeling within her spiraling higher and higher and she knew he was getting closer to coming. She could feel it, see it as their bodies moved together. She didn’t want this to end.
Warrick bent close to her ear, letting his teeth graze the lobe as he nipped at her. If she’d thought her body couldn’t take any more, she was wrong. He shifted and pressed deeper still, lifting her hips in his large hands as his penis pressed a spot that made her pant with need and claw at his back. It was too much and not enough all at once.
“Let me see you come again, Sara,” he whispered, then drew back to watch her face. She felt exposed, but somehow, she trusted him to see her in such a vulnerable way. Trusted that she could let herself go. That with Warrick, there didn’t have to be any holding back. “Show me, Sara.”
Her orgasm built slowly but when it hit her, she cried out as waves of sweet pleasure poured over her. She heard Warrick’s growl as he came with her and knew, she’d given a small piece of her heart to him. She hadn’t meant to. She’d meant to keep it locked down tight, but he’d somehow edged his way in and chipped away at her defenses. And she didn’t know how to stop him.
Chapter 32
A week of seeing Sara every night made it that much more difficult not to see her. So, when Warrick flew back home after a meeting in New York, he wasn’t eager to head to bed without seeing her. Never mind that it was past midnight.
He tried to stay away. He even changed into shorts and a tee-shirt, planning to watch TV in bed until he was tired enough to fall asleep. He stared at the bed and argued with himself.
