A.J.
Fighting back tears, Ryder made his way to the bed. A.J. lay in the middle of a pile of comforters, curled on his side. His black hair was a disheveled, greasy mess, his body odor pungent enough to make Ryder wrinkle his nose in distaste. He carefully pulled the covers away, revealing a rail-thin man wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his bare back to the room at large. As Ryder let the clump of material fall to the floor, A.J. turned and blinked up at him.
A slow, welcoming smile turned A.J.’s lips upward. “Hey, Ryder.”
Ryder paused, taken aback. A.J. was happy to see him? “Hey…A.J. You, uh, don’t seem surprised to see me.”
A.J. chuckled, turning to lie on his back, stretching like a cat before settling back again. “Why would I be? I have this dream all the time.”
“A…dream.” Ryder echoed.
A.J. nodded, but then his smile faded. “The dream always ends, though. Always. That’s why I sleep. I just want to sleep. So the dream won’t end. So you won’t go away again.”
Ryder glanced at Lyss, who was still standing in the doorway, one hand pressed against her mouth. Tears were streaming freely down her cheeks. She gave him a pleading look, begging him to do something.
A.J. let out a dreamy sigh. “I used to dream about you before, you know. I think…I think I always dreamed about you. In college, before we…” He let out a groan, tears brimming. “And then…after. When you were gone, and I was with…with her…” He paused for a hard swallow. “That’s why she hated me, you know. I dreamed about you. I still loved you. I couldn’t control the dreams. Didn’t want to, honestly. I was always happier, when I dreamed about you.
“She hated me for that…for loving you, and dreaming of you. She took my life away because I dreamed about you. I thought it was all over…my life, my dreams.
“But then…you were there. The real you. And…I got to meet Lyss. Beautiful, sexy, smart-ass Lyss. After that, I didn’t have to dream anymore. I had you…and I had her. I could love you both, you see. I thought…I thought I wouldn’t have to dream anymore. It was real. A real dream come true.”
“A.J…” Ryder whispered.
“But that dream ended, too,” A.J. sobbed. “The dream always ends. I want the dreams back. God, I want the real dreams back…”
Ryder ran his fingers through his hair, thinking hard. “A.J…if you wanted to be with us…why didn’t you come home?”
A.J. looked up at him, a freshet of tears brimming. “Because…you hate me. In real life, you hate me.”
“What the hell?” Ryder exclaimed. “What are you talking about? Why would we hate you?”
“Because of what happened,” A.J. said in a distant voice. “Ryder lost his badge. Lyss lost her nursing license. They both lost the most important things in their lives. Because of me. Because of the fallout after what happened t-to M-Marian and…” He trailed off with another sob.
“You really think our jobs were the most important things in our lives?” Ryder demanded, incredulous.
A.J. nodded, his eyes still unfocused. “They lost everything because of me. How could they not hate me? I ruined their lives, just like I ruined mine. I ruin everything I touch. They hate me now.” Those bleary eyes focused on Ryder, and A.J.’s tortured look turned into a watery smile. “Except here. In my dreams. I can be with you here. You don’t hate me here. That’s why…I don’t want to wake up…” Another gut-wrenching sob.
“Enough,” Ryder spat. He reached down and hauled A.J. to his feet, ignoring the stench of unwashed flesh. “Come on, buddy.” Ryder looked toward Lyss, and gestured toward the bathroom with his chin. She nodded, wiping tears from her cheeks as she disappeared down the hallway. Ryder dragged a stumbling, uncoordinated A.J. out of the dark cave of a room, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Lyss had the shower on full-blast, the curtain drawn back, and was standing beside the sink when Ryder finally managed to get A.J. inside.
“Sorry,” he told the weeping, pathetic man in his arms, “but you need this.”
And with one great big shove, he pushed A.J. into the stream of ice-cold water, clothes and all.
Chapter 26
The blast of cold water hit A.J. like a freight train, ripping the fog from his brain as the breath exploded from his lungs. He sputtered, gasping in cold water that made him start hacking and coughing uncontrollably. A.J. tried to get away from the water, but lost his balance on the slippery ceramic, sliding to his knees in the bottom of the tub.
“What…the fuck…” he gasped, hacking again.
“Serves you right,” said a voice that chilled him far, far more deeply than the water.
A.J. tried to stand, tried to see through the bedraggled fringe of hair blocking his vision, and slipped again. Sitting down hard, he wind-milled his arms, trying to find a handhold.
“Goddamn it, stop…”
The water blessedly stopped, leaving A.J. sliding around in his soaking-wet, freezing cold jeans. He whipped the hair from his eyes and looked up—
And there stood Ryder and Lyss, both watching him with pitying expressions.
A.J. stared. He’d thought he’d been dreaming. Again. They came to him in his dreams every single night. But this wasn’t a dream. Couldn’t be a dream.
Which meant that the two people who hated him most in the world were standing right here, in the same room with him.
“What…are you doing here?” he grated, voice gravelly from coughing.
Ryder crossed his arms over his chest, his massive, tattooed biceps bulging enticingly. “Saving your ass, apparently. Your mother is worried sick about you. Said you needed help. She called me.” Those amber eyes flashed, filled with near-murderous rage. “Something you should have done a long damn time ago, A.J.”
A.J. coughed again, using the moment to try and catch his bearings. What the fuck was happening? He looked around blearily. “H-how did you get here? Why…”
“Are you soaking wet in the shower?” Ryder finished for him, snorting out a laugh. “Maybe because you seem to have forgotten how to take care of yourself. Dumping water over your head probably would have been just as effective, but hey, your mom probably wouldn’t appreciate a wet mattress. So, we did you both a favor and dumped you in here. Worked, didn’t it?”
A.J. stared at the man. “That’s not…I mean, why...” He coughed again, trying to clear the raspy gravel from his voice. “Why are you here? Why would you bother?”
Lyss took a few steps closer, her beautiful hazel eyes filled with so much pity, it made A.J. want to hang his head in shame. “A.J., honey, how can you say such a thing? Do you really think we wanted this? Do you really think we wanted to lose you?”
No. No, she couldn’t be saying such things. No the hell way. A.J. flipped his sopping hair back again, wincing as icy droplets smattered across his bare back, and looked away from both of them. “Well, you can go now. Thanks, I guess. But you can just leave.”
“Not gonna happen,” Ryder said flatly.
A.J. turned on him with a scowl. “I said get out!”
“You know,” Ryder began conversationally, “we fell for that once before. At the hospital. That time, you had a bevy of nurses around you, ready and willing to kick us out. But here, it’s just us, A.J. And we’re not going anywhere.”
“Well, I don’t want you here!” A.J. yelled, fighting to get to his knees. His wet jeans were starting to chill the rest of him, and his teeth started chattering. “I told you, it’s over! God, why are you doing this to me, huh? I don’t need your help, I don’t need your pity, and I damn sure don’t need your…your…” The last words strangled in his throat, refusing to come out.
“Our love?” Lyss finished for him, making A.J. look over at her sharply. She had tears in her eyes. Why would Lyss—strong, beautiful, confident Lyss—have tears in her eyes? “A.J., baby, we never stopped loving you. We let you go because that’s what you wanted. Because we thought that’s what you needed. But it wasn’t, was it? I’m sorry for that, bab
y. Truly sorry we let you down. But, we’re here now. And, like Ryder said, we’re not going anywhere. Not without you.”
“How the fuck can you say that?” A.J. roared, trying to get to his feet but slipping again so that he ended up sitting back on his heels. “How the fuck can you stand there and say you still love me? After everything that happened to you? After everything I did to you?”
“You didn’t do anything,” Ryder said calmly. His expression was bland, but his eyes still smoldered. “You didn’t do a damn thing to us, A.J. The media frenzy caused a lot of people to make stupid decisions. You didn’t have a damn thing to do with it.”
“It happened because of me!” A.J. screamed. “Everything happened because of me! God, don’t you get it? I caused it! I ruin everything I touch! It’s not safe to love me, don’t you understand? Marian loved me! She loved me and she died for it! And T-T-T…” He couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say that name. Pain closed around his heart, threatening to burst it right out of his chest. A.J. doubled over in the tub, hugging himself in hopes of keeping his ribcage intact.
Suddenly, Ryder and Lyss were both there, wrapping their arms around his icy-cold body. A.J. shivered, and not from the cold. He’d dreamed about their touch so many nights, finally having the real thing felt surreal. He craved it, even as he shunned it. He tried twisting out of their hands, but the damn slippery tub wouldn’t let him get good traction. He ended up putting himself even deeper into their embrace, despite his efforts to get away.
And then suddenly…he wasn’t trying to get away anymore. He was sobbing, the pain nearly ripping him apart, while the two people he loved more than life itself held him close. Loud, rib-cracking sobs wrenched from his chest, as a river of molten-hot tears drenched his cheeks. The pain just kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until it felt like the whole damn world was about to explode from it.
Until finally, at long last, it started to ebb. The tears kept running, but the pain started quieting down. Not gone. Never gone. But bearable again. A.J. shook between the two of them, holding onto them desperately, until the pain finally receded enough for him to speak again.
“I can’t,” he gasped. “I can’t do it, okay? I can’t. I shouldn’t even be here. I shouldn’t have missed. I should have died…”
Ryder’s big, hot hand was suddenly wrapped around A.J.’s neck, forcing his head up. A.J. blinked in surprise at the level of rage in Ryder’s eyes, and tried to swallow past the uncertainty and, yes, fear clogging his restricted throat.
“Do not ever say those words again,” Ryder growled, sounding for all the world like a lion warning a potential enemy away from his territory. “Your body belongs to us, remember? You have no say in what happens to it. You’ve been neglecting my property these past few months, A.J., and you will pay for that, I promise you. But for now, you will promise me never to say those words, ever again. Are we clear?”
“I’m not your property anymore,” A.J. whispered, hating the tears that dripped from his eyes the moment he said the words.
“No?” Ryder queried, cocking his head. “You don’t think so? And what about Lyss? Are you no longer her property, either?”
A.J. glanced at her, hating himself even more. “No,” he whispered. “No, not anymore.”
Ryder and Lyss regarded him in total, utter silence for a long time.
And then Ryder simply shook his head. “No, I’m afraid we don’t accept. You still belong to us. You’ll always belong to us. You’re stuck with us, A.J. You belong to us, no matter what.”
“What?” A.J. sputtered. “But…but…”
“We don’t accept,” Lyss confirmed, sounding perfectly serious. “It’s as simple as that.”
“Why the hell would you still want me?” A.J. whispered, staring in utter confusion. “Why the hell…after everything I did to you…after everything that happened…”
“We already went over that,” Ryder said.
A.J. licked his lips. “But…You lost your job…you both did…”
“And I find it highly insulting that you’d ever think our jobs were the most important things in our lives,” Lyss scolded, eyes flashing. “How could you ever think we’d be so shallow, A.J.? We love you. You, not some job. How could you ever, even for one moment, think that meant more to us than you did?”
A.J. just stared at her, completely at a loss.
Ryder’s grip at his throat turned into a caress. A.J. looked back at him, surprised to find lust in those amber eyes. “We still want you, A.J. We never stopped. We never will stop. You are ours. It’s as simple as that, as far as we’re concerned.”
“I can’t,” A.J. whispered, yet more tears brimming. “I can’t…let you love me…I can’t…you’re not safe around me…”
“That’s a chance we’re willing to take,” Ryder said simply. “The question now is, are you willing to take a chance on us? Are you willing to let us back into your life?”
“You can’t do this alone, baby,” Lyss said, reaching out to cup A.J.’s cheek. She wiped fresh tears away with her thumb. “No one can go through what you went through completely on their own. We’re here to help. We’ll always be here to help. But you have to let us in, first.”
A.J. started shaking, shaking even harder than before. He looked back and forth between his lovers, desperate for them to understand. “You can’t…I can’t…Don’t you understand? I k–k–killed m–my s–s–son…” The last came out as a desperate wail.
Lyss moved in close, forcing him to rest his head against her voluptuous chest and wrapping both arms around him. “No, baby. No, you didn’t. Tyler’s death was a tragic accident, but you didn’t do it.”
“I did!” A.J. shrieked, finally pulling away from both of them. He managed to push himself out of the tub, falling to his knees on the tile floor next to the bathmat. He fell forward onto his hands, letting his head hang down as tears dripped onto the floor. “I killed him! I killed him! I’m responsible!”
But they wouldn’t leave him be. Both Ryder and Lyss drew him up until he was balanced on his knees, his face buried against Lyss’s midriff while Ryder covered his back. Unable to help himself, A.J. wrapped his arms around Lyss’s waist, holding on for dear life.
“A.J., baby, I know you feel responsible,” she said in a tear-filled voice. “But you aren’t. You weren’t. You can’t take responsibility for other people’s insanity. You can’t control what other people do. There was nothing you could have done…”
“I could have saved him!” A.J. yelled, holding her tighter though he wanted to push her away. “I should have saved him! God, I should have saved him…”
And the pain ripped through him again, making him double over until he was retching up bile. Ryder held him up, kept him from doing a face-plant into the floor, as wracking sobs shook his entire frame. It took longer this time, much, much longer, but eventually the pain quieted again, leaving him with a major case of the shakes. When he finally stopped heaving, Ryder helped A.J. sit back on his heels, still holding him up while Lyss pressed in close again.
They weren’t leaving. Weren’t leaving him alone. Why? How could they possibly still want to be here? They could obviously see what a mess A.J. had turned into. Why on earth would they still be here with him? Why?
“Why are you still here?” he sobbed against Lyss’s stomach. “Why won’t you just…leave me to die, like I should have after Tyler died?”
“Because we love you, A.J.,” Ryder said softly.
“And because we don’t want to lose you,” Lyss whispered.
A.J. shook his head. “I’m just…so tired,” he rasped, pausing to suck in a deep, shuddering breath. “God, I’m just so…tired. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
“We can help,” Ryder rumbled. “If you let us.”
Between one blink and the next, A.J.’s pain turned into blinding red rage. He shoved Lyss back, crawling away from both of them until he fetched up against the edge of the tub. He flipped over until he
was facing them, glaring for all he was worth.
“What the fuck do you know about it?” A.J. screamed, totally incensed. “You’ve never lost a child! You’ve never been responsible for a little boy’s death! You’ve never had his blood on your hands, or seen his little eyes staring at nothing, or the look of surprise on his face when he saw…when he saw…” Another damn sob strangled the words.
Ryder approached calmly, settling into a squat less than five feet away. “No, A.J.,” he said sadly. “We don’t know what it’s like to lose a child like that. We don’t know what you went through that day, or how it affected you afterward. We weren’t there for you, and for that, we both deeply apologize. We’ll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you. But you have to let us help.”
“You can’t help! No one can help, don’t you understand!” A.J. covered his face with both hands, grinding his elbows into his bent knees, screaming with frustration. “You can’t help! I don’t want your help! You can’t help because you can’t know what it’s like! You can’t know anything about how I feel right now!”
“I do know one thing,” Ryder said softly. He waited until A.J. couldn’t resist looking at him, couldn’t resist meeting those liquid amber eyes. Ryder winced, looking aside briefly, and then said, “I know Tyler wouldn’t want to see his father this way.”
A.J. stared.
And stared.
And finally whispered, “You bastard.”
Ryder winced again, but didn’t back off. “So be it. But it’s true, and you know it.”
Lyss approached, kneeling beside him and resting one palm on his knee. “Look at what’s happened to you, A.J. Look at what you’ve done to yourself. Would Tyler really want to see his Daddy like this? Would he really want you to wasting yourself away? You’ve lost weight, that much is obvious. You’ve lost your way, too. Do you really, truly believe that Tyler would want to see you like this? Do you think he likes seeing you like this, right here, right now?”
Saints United [For Love of Authority 3] (Siren Publishing Ménage Amour) Page 32
